One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the privates. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother. Q: Why did the Clintons name their dog Buddy? A: Because you can't yell, "Come Spot" in the White House anymore. A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet, and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?." "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion." The guy looks at the price tag, which says $200. He says. "I can't afford that much." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer." The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not", says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..." "What?" says the guy. "What?" "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asked the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over." reports the parrot. "My God!!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down..." The parrot pauses for a long time ... "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. "I don't know," says the Parrot, "I fell off my perch." Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Ernesto Zedillo are having drinks in Paris. The waiter asks "L'aperitif?" All of them answer "Oui!" The waiter looks at Zedillo "Le tequila?" Zedillo: "Oui!" The waiter looks at Yeltsin "Le vodka?" Yeltsin: "Oui!" Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton " Le whisky?" Clinton: "DON'T MENTION THAT BITCH!!!" A MAN'S VOCABULARY "I'm going fishing" Means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety" "It's a guy thing" Means..."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical". "Can I help with dinner?" Means..."Why isn't dinner already on the table?" "Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear". Means...Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response. "It would take too long to explain" Means..."I have no idea how it works". "We're going to be late" Means..."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac". "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind Means..."I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra". "Take a break honey, you're working too hard". Means..."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner". "That's interesting dear". Means..."Are you still talking?" "It's a really good movie". Means..."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women". "That's women's work". Means..."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless". "You know how bad my memory is". Means..."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday". "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses". Means..."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe". "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal". Means..."I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt". "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing". Means..."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon". "I can't find it". Means..."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless". "What did I do this time?" Means..."What did you catch me at?" "I heard you". Means..."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "You know I could never love anyone else". Means..."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse". "You look terrific". Means..."Oh God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving!" "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are". Means..."No one will ever see us alive again". "We share the housework". Means..."I make the messes, she cleans them up". A man will pay $2 for a 1$ item he needs. A women will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn t need. A women worries about the future untill she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future untill he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is ome who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her alot and not try to understand her at all. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any Married man should forget his mistakes; there is no use in two people remembering the same thing. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A women marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn t. A man marries a women expecting she won t change, and she does A women has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. and finaly There are two times when a man doesn t understand a a women- before marriage and after marriage. Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their professions. The one guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE ... ya know ...Young, Urban Professional. The second guy says, "I'm a DINK ... ya know ... Double Income No Kids." They asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied, "I'm a WIFE ... ya know ... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc." THE PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN VS. THE PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN Perfect Day for a Woman: 8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses. 8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday. 8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants. 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil. 10:00 Light workout at the club with handsome, funny personal trainer. 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out. 12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe. 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs. 13:00 Shopping with friends. 15:00 Nap. 16:00 A dozen roses delivered by a florist. Card is from a secret admirer. 16:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage. 17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before mirror. 19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing. 22:00 Hot shower. Alone. 22:30 Make love. 23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling. 23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms. Perfect Day for a Man. 6:00 Alarm. 6:15 Blowjob. 6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today. 7:00 Breakfast. Filet mignon, eggs, toast and coffee. 7:30 Limo arrives. 7:45 Bloody Mary enroute to airport. 8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club. 9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par. 11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens. 12:15 Blowjob. 12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par. 14:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis. 14:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap. 15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless)crew. 16:30 Catch world record light tackle Marlin - 1249 lbs.. 17:00 Jet back home. Enroute get massage from naked Kathy Ireland. 19:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Clinton resigns. 19:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak. 21:00 Relax after dinner with a 1789 Auger Cognac and Cuban Partagas Lusitanias Natural wrapped cigar. 22:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs. 23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi. 23:45 Go to bed. 23:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room. 23:55 Giggle yourself to sleep. GREEK PANAFON HUMOR: Ta parakato exoun graftei apo tis tilefonitries tis PANAFON. Einai ola alithina. O, ti exoun akousei t' aftia tous. 1. Geia sas, mou exei mplokarei i karta SLIM. 2. PANAFON, prosopikos tilefonitis, legetai. -Geia sas kirie prosopike tilefoniti. 3. Patao ton frakti kai kounao tin mpataria pera-dothe gia na do an einai gemath. Lete epidi den kanei "gloukou-gloukou" na min einai gemati? 4. Otan pao sto benzinadiko i sto boulkanizater fisao me ton aera to akoustiko kai ksefrazei kai milao kalitera. Na to peite kai stous allous. 5. Thelo na pirodotiso ta tessera tessaria. 6. -Mou dinete to tilefono tou kiriou Papadopoulou Ioanni? -Autokinitistis einai o kirios? -Oxi Ioannis. 7. Den exo to Ericson to palio, tin karabana. Exo tin Motorolla tin mpanana. 8. -Exo to tilefono sto amaxi kai otan frenaro mou grafei SIMBLOCKED. -Ti marka einai? -BMW. 9. -Parte pio arga ta noumera. -Diladi kata ti ora? 10. -Ti siskeui exete? -Tin mauri me to kerato apo pano. -Ti siskeui den katalaba? -Tin germaniki pou milas anapoda. 11. To tilefono mou exei sfagi. 12. Me pairnoun alla den mporo na paro, eno ego pairno, pou prepei na paro? 13. -Ti siskeui exete? -To NOKIA me tis 7 tripes. 14. -Tha parete ston antiprosopo sas kai tha zitisete to PUK (pak). -Ti tha zitiso? -To kodiko apemplokis, to PUK. -To FUCK? -Pak, pi..., pi opos Panagiotis. -A, mprabo, Panagioti me lene. 15. -Exo tipseis giati pira to 111, tin nixta kai xipnisa tin tilefonitria sas kai mou eipe oti eimai sto basiko menou. 16. -Den exo kalipsi. -Se poio simeio eiste? -Sto spiti tou Thodora. 17. -To tilefono tou Apostoli, tou paidiatrou tha ithela. -Poio einai to epitheto tou? -Den to thimamai. 18. -".... pliktrologiste ton kodiko sas kai patiste to pliktro me tin diesi. -Mou leei na patiso to pliktro me piesi. -Den sas leei piesi, sas leei diesi. -Diladi na min to patiso me piesi, na to patiso me diesi? 19. -Tha patisete belaki menou 14 M+. Ti sas grafei? -Tipota. -Den mporei na min sas grafei tipota. Gia dokimaste xana. -Pali tipota. Mipos prepei na anoixo to tilefono mou prota? 20. -H ELPA ti tilefono exei? -H ELPA eipate? -Nai xereis, i EXPRESS SERVICE. 21. To tilefono mou grafei SLIP BLOCKED. Diladi exei mplokarei to slipaki mou? 22. -Sto tilefono pou exo parei tora xreonomai? -Malista, kirie, sto 122 xreoneste. -Oraia, peste mou despoinis, poso kanei na to pliroso, giati biazomai. 23. Anoigo to tilefono mou kai mou grafei massaz. (message). 24. -Ti siskeui exete kirie? -Den xero, auti pou moiazei me toublo. 25. -Ti marka einai to tilefono? -HEINEKEN. (HAGENUK). 26. -Exo patisei ton kodiko pou einai gia to kleisma tis siskeuis kai den mporo na paro tilefono. -Ti siskeui exete? -Motor-Oil. 27. Brika ti mplokarei to abs sto autokinito. O fortistis pou bazo ston anaptira. 28. Pelatissa: Exei erthei o logariasmos mou 66.000 drx kai den thelo na ton dei o antras mou giati tha me skotosei. Thelo na bgalete enan allo me ta noumera pou tha sas po ego. In Melbourne one of the radio stations pays money, ($100-500), for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This morning's one netted the proud owner $300. As the lady said: "...I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about thirty five minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth laying on the sink and gave myself a wash in "that area", taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said, "My... We have taken a little extra effort this morning haven't we?" but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went as normal, some shopping, cleaning, the evening meal etc. At 8:30 that evening my 18 year old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it". SURGERY A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vaginal lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!" Honesty before Marriage A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is quite flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. After she became conscious, the guy said, "I told you before we got married; why did you still faint? The girl said, You told me it was just like a baby. The guy replied, That's right, 8 pounds and 21 inches. One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, He called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter promptly replied, "Si senor! Sometimes the bull wins!" Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and one dead fish no one can find. Q: What is soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up. A: Vomit Q: What do you get when you cross a nun with a PC? A: A computer that will never go down on you. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her as an altar boy Q: What do you call two skunks having a 69? A: Odor Eaters Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A Golden Retriever Q: Whats the definition of Trust? A: Two cannibals 69'ing Q: What does a Gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common? A: They can both smell it but can't eat it. Q: What is the similarity between KFC and a woman? A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to pop your bone in. Q: Whats brown and often found in childrens underpants? A: Michael Jacksons hand Q: Whats the difference between love, true love and showing off? Q: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. Q: How do you make 5 pounds look good? A: Put a nipple on it. Q: How is pubic hair like parsley? A: You push it to the side before you start eating. (Oh yeah? People wouldn't have that problem if they'd keep it trimmed would they?!?! Q: Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." "Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no balls. I'd say you must be a lawyer." Q: What is 6.9? A: Good sex interrupted by a period. Q: What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toypen? A: Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face saying, "Lie to me! lie to me!" Q: What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? A: The refrigerator doesn't say OHHH, when you pull the meat out. Q: How are pubic hairs like parsley? A: You push them aside before you eat. Q: What is the ultimate definition of courage? A: Two cannibals having oral sex. Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count? A: Your date has to chew before she swallows Q: What is the difference between a paycheck and a penis? A: You can always find a girl to blow your paycheck for you. Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator? A: "I don't know why you're shaking...she's gonna EAT me!" Q: What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards? A: He keeps coming and coming and coming... Q: What is the speed for sex? A: 68 - because if you go 69 you turn over. Q: Why did God invent alcohol? A: So fat women can get laid too. Q. Why did Mickey Mouse divorce Minnie Mouse? A. Because she was fuckin' Goofy. Q: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex? A: During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken. Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? A. "Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be one heck of a blowjob!" Q: What does KFC and a woman have in common? A: Once you're done with the breasts and the thighs, there's still a greasy box to put your bone in. Q: What is the politically correct name for "Lesbian"? A: "Vagitarian" Q: Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant? A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car. Q: What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A: One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it rub-it! Q: What is the difference between a drug pusher and a prostitute? A: A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again Q: How is the card game Bridge and sex alike? A: If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand. Q: What is about six inches long has a big head and women love it? A: A one hundred dollar bill!! Q: How can you tell when dogs are kinky? A: They start doing it in the missionary position. Q: What is the difference between 69 and driving in the fog? A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you. Q: How can you tell if a witch is horny? A: Check out which end of the broomstick she's riding. Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf." Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now." "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie. "You play golf!?" asks Jack. Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years." "But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks. " I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie. "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice." Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?" "Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?" "I don't care - any night next week is OK with me." A girl walks into a supermarket and buys: 1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube of toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving of cereal 1 single frozen dinner The checkout guy looks at her and says, "Single, huh?" The girl sarcastically replies, "How'd you guess? He says, "You're ugly." And That's The Other Thing, Coach The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids to help them out a bit. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championships and are favored to win the national competition easily. Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest." "What?" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does the hair go?" She replies, "All the way down to my balls and that's the second thing I wanted to talk to you about." YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN THE NINETIES WHEN..... You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies. Your company welcome sign is attached with velcro. Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise. You learn about your layoff on the 9 o'clock news. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined. It's dark when you drive to and from work. Communication is something your group is having problems with. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital. You're already late on the assignment you just got. You work 200 hours for the 150 bonus and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!" Dilbert cartoons hang on every wall. Your boss' favourite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you." Holiday is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers". The only reason you recognize your kids is because you have their pictures on your desk. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting. You read this entire list and understood it!!!! FROM: Management Subject: New Software This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "Here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS." Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome. One leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other nun replies, "It's the cobblestones." Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before; in your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, " Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "let me try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" God asked Bill. Bill responded, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????! "Oh that,' replied God, "was the screen saver." One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, probably our son-in-law!"" The following is the transcript of a call made to a phone-in show on a local Liverpool radio station. The topic being debated at the time was the controversial outcome of the Evander Holyfield v Lennox Lewis fight. PRESENTER: OK, let's go to line 3. Line 3..... who's this? CALLER: Oh, yeah, hello... it's Brian here. PRESENTER: Hello Brian, and what have you got to say about last night's result? CALLER: Well, er, not a lot actually. PRESENTER: Oh... CALLER: Well, yer see, I know nothing at all about boxing. PRESENTER: I see... Well, erm, tonight's debate is a discussion about..... CALLER: But I did have a girlfriend once who was really, really into boxing in a big way. Loved it she did. PRESENTER: Really? CALLER Oh, yeah. Do you know how into boxing she was? PRESENTER: Well, no.... CALLER: She was so much into boxing that when she took her clothes off she had a picture of Evander Holyfield tattooed on one thigh and Lennox Lewis on the other. PRESENTER: Really? CALLER: Yeah, really.... Course, I didn't know who they were coz I know nothing about boxing. PRESENTER: I see. So did your girlfriend explain who the two tattoos were of? CALLER: Yeah. PRESENTER: Oh, good. CALLER: Course, I recognised Don King right there in the middle of them without any help at all. PRESENTER: Let's go straight to line 2.... A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, they're assholes!" TECHNOLOGY FOR COUNTRY FOLK LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove. DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood RAM: That thing what splits the farwood HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season BYTE: What them dang flies do CHIP: Munchies fer the TV MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all" RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle An elderly French man was slowly walking down the countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedge he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah ze young love ..ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers. c'est magnifique !!", and continued to watch remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!!", and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief. He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Albert...Albert zere is zis man zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love". The police chief smiled and said; "Come come Henri you are not so old to remember ze young love ze spring time ze air ze flowers Ah,L'amour! Zis is okay." "Mais non! You do not understand ze woman she is dead!!" Hearing this Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the station, and the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back non-stop to call the doctor: "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Albert I was in Gaston's field zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex " To which Pierre replied, "Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring - ze air ze flowers Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural" Albert, still out of breath grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand ze woman, she iz dead!" Hearing this Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!", grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead . . . . she is British." A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice. The woman replies, "He's a midget." There's a pensioner couple on holiday, back in the place where they first met. They're sitting in the pub and he says to her, "Remember our first time together, almost fifty years ago? We went round the corner to the gas works. You leaned against the fence and I gave you one from behind". "Yes", she says, "I remember it well". "OK", he says, "how about taking a stroll round there and I'll give you one for old times sake". "Sounds like a good idea", she answers. There's a chap sitting at the next table listening to all this having a chuckle to himself, and he thinks, I've got to see this, two pensioners having sex against the gas works fence. So he follows them. They get to the gas works, she lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and leans against the fence. He takes her from behind and goes hell for leather like an eighteen year old. The other chap is peeping round the corner at this, thinking, f**k's sake, he can't half go for a pensioner. After about forty minutes the old couple finish and get their clothes back on. The guy watching thinks, that was amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple pass the chap says, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it, is there some sort of secret?" "No, there's no secret", the man says, "but fifty years ago that fence wasn't electrified". One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does *THIS* answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?" A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor. He yells down to him, but the man can't hear, so he uses signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I". Then at his knee, meaning, "need". Then moves his hand back and forth, meaning, handsaw. The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, "What the hell is wrong with you! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!" The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, "I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I'm coming." Real email addresses: 10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu 9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu 8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) blowmegd@dropdrawers.com 7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) dickinme@iup.edu 6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu 5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home decorating)- beeranbj@myplace.com 4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu 3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu 2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com 1. Isabelle Haydon Adcoc (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.co You Know You Are From Philly When... 20. You realize that your favorite desert is wooder ice. (It comes in churry, strawburry, and other assawrded flaverz.) 19. You find yourself using "Yo" and "Youse guys" when talking long distance to family members. 18. You know how to spell Schuylkill. 17. You think $2,500 a year for insurance on a 1977 Toyota Corolla is a bargain. 16. You find yourself at a nice restaurant thinking, "I wonder if they have cheese steaks?" 15. You can sleep soundly through gunfire and ambulance sirens. 14. You visit New York and are impressed by how clean it is. 13. You believe the car on your left, flashing its turn signal and the driver pointing at your lane, wants you to close the gap with the car in front of you. 12. You can't eat french fries without Cheeze Whiz. 11. Street people greet you by your first name. 10. You don't think Wawa sounds funny. 9. You snub a cheese steak that isn't on an Amoroso roll. 8. Your parents, brother, sisters, aunts, and uncles all live on the same block. 7. You know who Jim O'Brien is, and how he died. 6. You can't imagine breakfast without scrapple. 5. You're still not sure about Jerry Penacolli. 4. A vacation at the Jersey shore (pronounced "the shoore") is better than going to an island. (There's more stuff to do, plus you know everybody.) 3. You know where to find the Rocky statue. 2. You know only tourists go to Geno's, Pat's, and Jim's for authentic cheese steaks. You only go if you're drunk and it is 3:00 AM. AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM PHILLY: 1. You buy a soft pretzel at a traffic light, without wondering where the guy goes to wash his hands. And you don't really care. A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he's ever seen walking towards him. The man nearly dies when she takes the seat next to him. Anxious to begin a conversation, he asks her, "Where are you flying to today?" Much to his surprise, she responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He is crazed with excitement! Here is this gorgeous woman sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!! "And what do you do at this meeting?" he asks. "Well," she says, "we try to dispel some of the popular myths concerning sexuality." "And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately. She goes on to explain, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American male who possesses this trait. Also, it is widely believed that Frenchmen make the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers." "Very interesting, " the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and begins to blush. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know your name! "Let me introduce myself," says the man as he extends his hand, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein." Two old Irishmen were sitting at the local pub drinking a few beers. So Paddy says to George, "George me buddy ol' pal. When I die could you pour a couple of beers o'er me grave?" George says, "Why certainly, but could I pour it through me bladder fist?" Roberto Benigni is in the deepest Amazon and suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Eeh God, sis is not fair, you bringa me inta troubell." There is a sudden ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No Roberto, you are NOT in trouble. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So Benigni picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living $&*# out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by hundred natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Allora, Roberto, ... NOW you're in trouble!" To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get sunburn on his "tool of the trade." The young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!" Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents' room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" The dad answered, "Playing cards." Little Johnny asked, "Who's your Partner?" The dad answered, "Your mom." A little later, the dad got up and went to the bathroom (naturally). As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "What are you doing?" Little Johnny answered, "Playing cards." The dad asked, "Really? Who's your partner?" Little Johnny answered... "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!" A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food. She went home and brought in her dog. She then got the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like shit." The little old lady said, "It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?" The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman. Naturally I replied, "Big tits." He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship." So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits." "No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?" He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. "Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big." ALIEN SEX!!! The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears." A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines" FIVE SURGEONS Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered". The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded". The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order". The fourth surgeon chimes in " You know, I like construction workers..those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and then the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable". Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to: DAVID LETTERMAN SAYS...... Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to: 10 - Tommy Lee's----Camp Kickachickee 9 - Lorena Bobbit's---Camp Cutaweewee 8 - Tanya Harding's---Camp Whackaneenee 7 - Kenneth Starr's----Camp Catchacrookee 6 - Louis Farakahn's---Camp Killawhitey 5 - O.J. Simpson's ----Camp Killachickee 4 - Michael Jackson's---Camp Grabbakiddie 3 - President Clinton's---Camp Getahoochie 2 - Ellen Degeneras's--- Camp Lickacoochie And The number 1 camp not to send your kid to: 1 - Monica Lewinsky's ---- Camp Suckaweewee TECHNOLOGY FOR COUNTRY FOLK LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove. DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood RAM: That thing what splits the farwood HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season BYTE: What them dang flies do CHIP: Munchies fer the TV MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all" RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle An elderly French man was slowly walking down the countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedge he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah ze young love ..ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers. c'est magnifique !!", and continued to watch remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!!", and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief. He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Albert...Albert zere is zis man zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love". The police chief smiled and said; "Come come Henri you are not so old to remember ze young love ze spring time ze air ze flowers Ah,L'amour! Zis is okay." "Mais non! You do not understand ze woman she is dead!!" Hearing this Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the station, and the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back non-stop to call the doctor: "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Albert I was in Gaston's field zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex " To which Pierre replied, "Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring - ze air ze flowers Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural" Albert, still out of breath grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand ze woman, she iz dead!" Hearing this Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!", grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead . . . . she is British." A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice. The woman replies, "He's a midget." There's a pensioner couple on holiday, back in the place where they first met. They're sitting in the pub and he says to her, "Remember our first time together, almost fifty years ago? We went round the corner to the gas works. You leaned against the fence and I gave you one from behind". "Yes", she says, "I remember it well". "OK", he says, "how about taking a stroll round there and I'll give you one for old times sake". "Sounds like a good idea", she answers. There's a chap sitting at the next table listening to all this having a chuckle to himself, and he thinks, I've got to see this, two pensioners having sex against the gas works fence. So he follows them. They get to the gas works, she lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and leans against the fence. He takes her from behind and goes hell for leather like an eighteen year old. The other chap is peeping round the corner at this, thinking, f**k's sake, he can't half go for a pensioner. After about forty minutes the old couple finish and get their clothes back on. The guy watching thinks, that was amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple pass the chap says, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it, is there some sort of secret?" "No, there's no secret", the man says, "but fifty years ago that fence wasn't electrified". One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does *THIS* answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?" A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor. He yells down to him, but the man can't hear, so he uses signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I". Then at his knee, meaning, "need". Then moves his hand back and forth, meaning, handsaw. The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, "What the hell is wrong with you! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!" The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, "I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I'm coming." 10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu 9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu 8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) blowmegd@dropdrawers.com 7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) dickinme@iup.edu 6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu 5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home decorating)- beeranbj@myplace.com 4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu 3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu 2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com 1. Isabelle Haydon Adcoc (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.co You Know You Are From Philly When... 20. You realize that your favorite desert is wooder ice. (It comes in churry, strawburry, and other assawrded flaverz.) 19. You find yourself using "Yo" and "Youse guys" when talking long distance to family members. 18. You know how to spell Schuylkill. 17. You think $2,500 a year for insurance on a 1977 Toyota Corolla is a bargain. 16. You find yourself at a nice restaurant thinking, "I wonder if they have cheese steaks?" 15. You can sleep soundly through gunfire and ambulance sirens. 14. You visit New York and are impressed by how clean it is. 13. You believe the car on your left, flashing its turn signal and the driver pointing at your lane, wants you to close the gap with the car in front of you. 12. You can't eat french fries without Cheeze Whiz. 11. Street people greet you by your first name. 10. You don't think Wawa sounds funny. 9. You snub a cheese steak that isn't on an Amoroso roll. 8. Your parents, brother, sisters, aunts, and uncles all live on the same block. 7. You know who Jim O'Brien is, and how he died. 6. You can't imagine breakfast without scrapple. 5. You're still not sure about Jerry Penacolli. 4. A vacation at the Jersey shore (pronounced "the shoore") is better than going to an island. (There's more stuff to do, plus you know everybody.) 3. You know where to find the Rocky statue. 2. You know only tourists go to Geno's, Pat's, and Jim's for authentic cheese steaks. You only go if you're drunk and it is 3:00 AM. AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM PHILLY: 1. You buy a soft pretzel at a traffic light, without wondering where the guy goes to wash his hands. And you don't really care. NYMPHO A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he's ever seen walking towards him. The man nearly dies when she takes the seat next to him. Anxious to begin a conversation, he asks her, "Where are you flying to today?" Much to his surprise, she responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He is crazed with excitement! Here is this gorgeous woman sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!! "And what do you do at this meeting?" he asks. "Well," she says, "we try to dispel some of the popular myths concerning sexuality." "And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately. She goes on to explain, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American male who possesses this trait. Also, it is widely believed that Frenchmen make the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers." "Very interesting, " the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and begins to blush. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know your name! "Let me introduce myself," says the man as he extends his hand, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein." Two old Irishmen were sitting at the local pub drinking a few beers. So Paddy says to George, "George me buddy ol' pal. When I die could you pour a couple of beers o'er me grave?" George says, "Why certainly, but could I pour it through me bladder fist?" Roberto Benigni is in the deepest Amazon and suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Eeh God, sis is not fair, you bringa me inta troubell." There is a sudden ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No Roberto, you are NOT in trouble. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So Benigni picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living $&*# out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by hundred natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Allora, Roberto, ... NOW you're in trouble!" To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get sunburn on his "tool of the trade." The young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!" Playing Poker Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents' room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" The dad answered, "Playing cards." Little Johnny asked, "Who's your Partner?" The dad answered, "Your mom." A little later, the dad got up and went to the bathroom (naturally). As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "What are you doing?" Little Johnny answered, "Playing cards." The dad asked, "Really? Who's your partner?" Little Johnny answered... "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!" Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble... 10. Sometimes stays in bed til after 6am. 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets. 8. Shows up at barn raisings with an cordless screwdriver. 7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!" 6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy." 5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap." 4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks. 3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening." 2. Was recently pulled over for "driving his buggy without a license." 1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards. A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food. She went home and brought in her dog. She then got the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like shit." The little old lady said, "It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?" The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman. Naturally I replied, "Big tits." He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship." So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits." "No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?" He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. "Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big." ALIEN SEX!!! The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears." Since the State of the Union message, the Tresury Department has approved the sale of three new bonds: the Monica Bond that has no maturity, the Gore Bond that has no interest and the Clinton Bond that has no principle. A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines" FIVE SURGEONS Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered". The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded". The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order". The fourth surgeon chimes in " You know, I like contruction workers..those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and then the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable". Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to: DAVID LETTERMAN SAYS...... Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to: 10 - Tommy Lee's----Camp Kickachickee 9 - Lorena Bobbit's---Camp Cutaweewee 8 - Tanya Harding's---Camp Whackaneenee 7 - Kenneth Starr's----Camp Catchacrookee 6 - Louis Farakahn's---Camp Killawhitey 5 - O.J. Simpson's ----Camp Killachickee 4 - Michael Jackson's---Camp Grabbakiddie 3 - President Clinton's---Camp Getahoochie 2 - Ellen Degeneras's--- Camp Lickacoochie And The number 1 camp not to send your kid to: 1 - Monica Lewinsky's ---- Camp Suckaweewee A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, they're assholes!" The following is the transcript of a call made to a phone-in show on a local Liverpool radio station. The topic being debated at the time was the controversial outcome of the Evander Holyfield v Lennox Lewis fight. PRESENTER: OK, let's go to line 3. Line 3..... who's this? CALLER: Oh, yeah, hello... it's Brian here. PRESENTER: Hello Brian, and what have you got to say about last night's result? CALLER: Well, er, not a lot actually. PRESENTER: Oh... CALLER: Well, yer see, I know nothing at all about boxing. PRESENTER: I see... Well, erm, tonight's debate is a discussion about..... CALLER: But I did have a girlfriend once who was really, really into boxing in a big way. Loved it she did. PRESENTER: Really? CALLER Oh, yeah. Do you know how into boxing she was? PRESENTER: Well, no.... CALLER: She was so much into boxing that when she took her clothes off she had a picture of Evander Holyfield tattooed on one thigh and Lennox Lewis on the other. PRESENTER: Really? CALLER: Yeah, really.... Course, I didn't know who they were coz I know nothing about boxing. PRESENTER: I see. So did your girlfriend explain who the two tattoos were of? CALLER: Yeah. PRESENTER: Oh, good. CALLER: Course, I recognised Don King right there in the middle of them without any help at all. PRESENTER: Let's go straight to line 2.... A Peanut One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, probably our son-in-law!"" Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before; in your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, " Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "let me try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" God asked Bill. Bill responded, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????! "Oh that,' replied God, "was the screen saver." Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome. One leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other nun replies, "It's the cobblestones." Answer to the year 2000 problem. Subject: New Software This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "Here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."