======================================================================= An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Is that one word or two words?" ======================================================================= Subject: The Goodbye Letter: Dear Dad A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. "Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, your son, John. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home. ======================================================================= Why we are proud Because we are European Champions in Football Because we are European Champions in Basketball Because Paparizou (singer) made us Eurovision Champions Because we buy whole watermelons and not in slices Because we buy whole lambs and not in pieces Because when we buy feta we buy at least a kilo and not 150 gr. Because nights in Greece finish in the morning Because we take our coffee slowly and not in 'shots" Because flirting is our national hobby Because we go out almost every night even if we are penniless Because we know how to spend better than we know how to save Because we never visit others empty-handed Because there is no way to explain to foreigners what "kapsoura" is... (burning desire for someone) Because to Greeks, family is still something valuable Because we do not share the cost of petrol with those we take in ourcars Because we always make it in the last moment Because for the sake of a woman we would wage war for 10 years (Trojan war) Because we are everywhere around the planet Because we love and hate with passion Because the word "filotimo" (a synonym of honor, helping someone because it is the right thing to do) doesn't exist in any otherlanguage Because whenever foreigners cannot find a word, they bloody stealone of ours Because we spend our bad and low times with our friends and family, not with therapists and counsellors Because Socrates, Pluto, Alexander the Great and Aristotle were Hellenic and we still quote from them Because we invented theatre Because we gave birth to Democracy Because we discovered logic Because we jumpstarted science Because we are proud of our culture, not of our wars Because when others were discovering meat, we already had cholesterol Because when we were building the Parthenon, the others were still sleeping under trees Because when others crea ted wars, we created the Olympic Games to stop wars Because we have a distinction between Eros (falling in love) & Agapi (innocent love), while we feel both passionately Because we don't use ketchup or mayonnaise with our food - it tastes damn good anyway Because we tossed our ancient alphabet to the Romans and our Medieval alphabet to the Slavs Because we get angry quickly but forget all about it even quicker Because we are not ashamed to cry Because we dance when we are sad and party when we are happy Because we work to live and we do not live to work Because 97% of the stars' names are Hellenic Because we always talk about getting in a diet after we had our meal Because although we know danger well, we dare Because when you shout "brother" in the streets, everyone turns around Because "Greeks do not fight like heroes, heroes fight like Greeks" (Winston Churchill, 1941) Because we speak loudly and laugh even louder!!! ======================================================================= Lies In ancient Greece(469-399 B.C.), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran upto him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment." Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three." "Three?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well",concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and left, ashamed This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife. ======================================================================= Pennis Requests a Raise I, the pennis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor I work at great depths I plunge head first into everything I do I do not get weekends off or public holidays I work in a damp environment I don't get paid overtime I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation I work in high temperatures My work exposes me to contagious diseases Dear Pennis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight You fall asleep on the job after brief work period You do not always follow the orders of the management team You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing You'll retire well before reaching 65 You're unable to work double shifts You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags. Sincerely, The Management ======================================================================= Subject: Polish Sausage A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some Polish Sausage. The clerk looks at him and asks, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would Ya?" The clerk says, "Well no." "And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?" "Well, I probably wouldn't." With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish... just because I asked for Polish Sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot." ======================================================================= I n dian Mating Season Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us." Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening. The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.... (Get ready, this will kill ya), NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN ======================================================================= The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life if you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. "Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness, Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend." ======================================================================= YEAR 1981 1. Prince Charles got married. 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe. 3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament. 4. Pope died. YEAR 2005 1. Prince Charles got married. 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe. 3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament. 4. Pope died. In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, please warn the Pope. Thank You, The Vatican ======================================================================= After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!" Keep Scrolling "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. Keep Scrolling "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!" " No Way!" Keep scrolling "Yes way!" "Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God. "Why" "Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was angry! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" said the Father. "I don't know," said Eve. "She started it!" Adam said "Did not!" "Did too!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in. ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day. AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: " TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!! ======================================================================= Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report: Titanic: Cost $29.99 Clinton: Cost $29.99 Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton: Over 3 hours to read Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist. Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Bill. Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica. Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Let's not go there. Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts. Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack. Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either. Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing. ======================================================================= Subject: The Redhead A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, and then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "Well, no" she says. "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says "Your finger is broken." ======================================================================= Three old mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are." The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools." One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age." Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!" How in the world did you guess?!?" The ornery old grandmas, snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "Because you told us yesterday." ======================================================================= IT WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS "Greek Style" 'Twas the night before Xristouyenna and all through the spiti, I could smell the fasolia, pasticho and ouzo through my miti. By the fire place, all the pandofles hung low, In hopes that Ayios Vasilis would soon bring some poto. Patera was in his krevati and snoring pretty hard, He was tired from stealing the tree from our malaka neighbours' yard. Mana was in the basement cooking like a nikokira, adding just enough vinegar to her fresh made horta, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, My patera yelled from his room "ela mesa re malaka". There was a knocking on the front door with such a loud barrage, I yelled through the window "It's a Greek house re malaka, come in through the garage!" Then, standing in the garage right next to my car, was my drunk thio Mitso coming home from the bar. "Aide kimisou methismene" I told him with might, Nobody was going to ruin my chances of seeing Ayios Vasilis tonight. About two hours later I heard a noise down the stairs, I jumped from my krevati to see who was there. Standing by the tree and eating leftover fakkes, Was good 'ol Ayios Vasilis reeking of tsiporo of course, He was all dressed in red and as big as an ox, he wore some brown "pandofles" along with black socks. Smelling like a katsiki with a touch of "Old Spice", he was drinking for days, & he wasn't very nice. He was putting the presents under the tree, And they were wrapped like sh1t, it was plain to see. Vrakyia & 6 kaltses from Dimmeys for me, and a pack of 12 for my brother, coz he's younger, he's 3. This Santa was so crooked...he was nothing like the fable, I should of known when he swiped my pack of smokes that I left on the table. I yelled out "E" Ayio Vasili , & he quickly turned like a car, Took off a "pandofla" and threw it at me like a ninja star. The look in his eyes was nothing but fright, He said "fiye upo tho, re malaka" and dashed out of sight. I heard "Ela kato re Mitso, Sotiri ke Nektario, Ahilea, Taki, Thanasi ke Yiorgo..." "And then he yelled, "Aide grigora, thelo na pao ya katourima", and with his red cheeks and big belly yelled "KALA XRISTOUYENNA ======================================================================= Phone rings. GREEK MOTHER (Greek accent) picks up the phone and answers: Greek Mother: Hello? Daughter: Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight? Greek Mother: You're going out? Daughter: Yes. Greek Mother: With whom? Daughter: With a friend. Greek Mother: I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man. Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me! Greek Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies. Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids? Greek Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody except your father. Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don't. Greek Mother: What are you hinting at? Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight. Greek Mother: You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out? Daughter: My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone! Greek Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place? Daughter: He's not a loser. Greek Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite. Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not? Greek Mother: Poor children with such a mother. Daughter: Such a what? Greek Mother: With no stability. No wonder your husband left you. Daughter: ENOUGH !!! Greek Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too! Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser? Greek Mother: Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately. Daughter: Goodbye mother. Greek Mother: Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over? Daughter: I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out! Greek Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone? ======================================================================= The Ding-a-ling Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up. Then all the other bells started to ring.... ======================================================================= Sex in the Dark There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device...a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids." ======================================================================= SO YESTERDAY I WENT WITH MY CLIENT YIANNI TO IMMIGRATION FOR HIS GREEN CARD APPLICATION: The officer said: "Yianni, you have passed all the tests so far but, there is one more test . Unless you pass it you cannot become U.S. citizen. Yanni said: Eme Etimos--"I am ready." The officer said: "Make a sentence using the words yellow, pink and green. Yianni thought for a few minutes mumbling gamo ti mana sou under his breath and said proudly like a peacock: " Mister Office, I am ready--Etimos." The officer said: "Go ahead Yianni." Yianni said : "To telephono goes green, green, green, and I pink it up and say Yellow, this is Yianni." Yianni now lives in Astoria. ======================================================================= SMART ITALIAN GIRL A young Italian girl was going on a date. Her nonna said: "Sita here ana leta me tella you about thosea young boys. He's agonna try ana kissa you, you are agonna likea dat; but don'ta let him do dat. He's agonna try ana kissa your breasts; you are agonna likea dat too, but don'ta let him do dat. But most important, he's agonna try ana lay ona topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do dat. Doing thata willa disgrace the family." With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!" Nonna fainted. ======================================================================= Subject: Husband & Ex-Wife Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. P.S If . you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your EX-Wife Dear Ex-Wife Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem. Signed Rich As Hell and Free! ======================================================================= How old is Grandma??? Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away. One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before: 'television 'penicillin 'polio shots 'frozen foods 'Xerox 'contact lenses 'Frisbees and 'the pill There was no: 'radar 'credit cards 'laser beams or 'ball-point pens Man had not invented: 'pantyhose 'air conditioners 'dishwashers 'clothes dryers 'and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and 'man hadn't yet walked on the moon  Your Grandfather and I got married first, . . . and then lived together Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir". And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir." We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.  We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon In my day: '"grass" was mowed, '"coke" was a cold drink, '"pot" was something your mother cooked in and '"rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. '"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, '" chip" meant a piece of wood, '"hardware" was found in a hardware store and '"software" wasn't even a word.  And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am? I bet you have this old lady in mind...you are in for a shock! Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time. This Woman would be only 58 years old! ======================================================================= A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um. . . no." " - or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, " " - or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?" ======================================================================= Pregnancy FAQ Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is more than enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. ======================================================================= LITTLE TONY ON MATH A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking." LITTLE TONY ON MATH (AGAIN) Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father? "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!" LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" TONY says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful." Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!" LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (AGAIN) One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'" LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son,you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business. ======================================================================= KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO Alabama Hell Yes, We Have Electricity. Alaska 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona But It's A Dry Heat. Arkansas Literacy Ain't Everything. California By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda. Colorado If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother. Connecticut Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet. Delaware We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water. Florida Ask Us About Our Grandkids. Georgia We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism. Hawaii Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money) Idaho More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois Please, Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign. Maine We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It Massachusetts Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's Michigan First Line Of Defense From The Canadians Minnesota 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes Mississippi Come And Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work Montana Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else. Nebraska Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada Hookers and Poker! New Hampshire Go Away And Leave Us Alone New Jersey You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here! New Mexico Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney... North Carolina Tobacco Is A Vegetable North Dakota We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio At Least We're Not Michigan Oklahoma Like The Play, But No Singing Oregon Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania Cook With Coal Rhode Island We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet South Dakota Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee The Edyoocashun State Texas Se Hablo Ingles Utah Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont Ay, Yep Virginia Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington We have more rain than you do West Virginia One Big Happy Family...Really! Wisconsin Come Cut The Cheese! Wyoming Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared ======================================================================= Subject: Learning Chinese Here is something to prepare you for the Chinese New Year. Learn Chinese in 5 minutes... (You MUST read them out loud) 1) That's not right Sum Ting Wong 2) Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding 3) See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao 4) Stupid Man Dum Fuk 5) Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni 6) Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan 7) I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin ni 8) I think you need a face lift Chin Tu Fat 9) It's very dark in here Wao So Dim 10) I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching 11) This is a tow away zone No Pah King 12) Our meeting is for next week Wai Yu Kum nao 13) Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo 14) He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka 15) Your body odor is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu 16) Great Fa Kin Su Pah rm ======================================================================= After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo and he doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave? "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleads the wor! ried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger" Chief: "Senator?" Cop: "Bigger" Chief: "Prime Minister?" Cop: "Bigger" "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's Jesus!" Chief: "What makes you think! it's Jesus?" Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!" ======================================================================= NEW YEAR FUN HAS YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND PUT ON A LITTLE WEIGHT OVER THE FESTIVE PERIOD? IF SO, ENCOURAGE HER TO WALK 3 MILES IN THE MORNING. AND THEN 3 MILES AGAIN IN THE EVENING. BY THE END OF THE WEEK THE FAT BITCH WILL BE 42 MILES AWAY! ======================================================================= Interesting... LOL Famous Sexy Quotes ... "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." Lynn Lavner "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia "Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams " It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers " Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin " You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips " Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde " It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield ======================================================================= Why Men Are Just Happier People What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress -- $5000. Tux rental -- $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood - all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier. ======================================================================= DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS: 40-ish.............................................49 Adventurous................. Slept with everyone Athletic...................................... No tits Average looking.................... Ugly Beautiful........................... Pathological liar Contagious Smile.................. Does a lot of pills Emotionally Secure...................... On medication Feminist.......................................... Fat Free spirit.................................... Junkie Friendship first.......................... Former slut Fun.......................................... Annoying New-Age............ Body hair in the wrong places Old-fashioned............................. No BJs Open-minded................................. Desperate Outgoing...................... Loud and Embarrassing Passionate............................... Sloppy drunk Professional.................................... Bitch Voluptuous................................... Very Fat Large frame................................. Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate............................... Stalker WOMEN'S ENGLISH: 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want.. 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = You better not 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH: 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay ======================================================================= Top 10 Reasons Not to be Upset Bush Won Again 10) The stock market is up! 9) Bush has to continue to deal with the mess in Iraq 8) The Democratic Party is forced to get its shit together 7) Continued tax cuts for everyone! 6) Eliminates Hilary Clinton as a candidate in 2008 (another liberal Democrat from the NE running for president again?) 5) Ben Affleck will probably not run for politics—or marry a Kerry daughter! 4) Less traffic on Beacon Hill 3) Osama bin Laden becomes the world’s second most hated man 2) Dick Cheney can go back into hiding And finally, the #1 reason not to be upset Bush won again…. 1) Teresa Heinz Kerry can finally say what she feels! ======================================================================= New Jersey is a peninsula. Highlands, New Jersey has the highest elevation along the entire Eastern Seaboard, from Maine to Florida. New Jersey is the only state where all of its counties are classified as metropolitan areas. New Jersey has more race horses than Kentucky. New Jersey has more Cubans in Union City (one square mile) than Havana, Cuba. New Jersey has the most dense system of highways and railroads in the U.S. New Jersey has the highest cost of living. New Jersey has the highest cost of auto insurance. New Jersey has the highest property taxes in the nation. New Jersey has the most diners in the world and is sometimes referred to as the Diner Capital of the World . New Jersey is home to the original mystery pork parts chub (no,not spam) Taylor Ham or Pork Roll. Home to the less mysterious, but the best, Italian hot dogs and Italian sausage w/peppers and onions. North Jersey has the most shopping malls in one area in the world, with seven major shopping malls in a 25 square mile radius. New Jersey is home to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. The Passaic River was the site of the first submarine ride by inventor John P. Holland. New Jersey has 50+ resort cities and towns, some of the nation's most famous: Asbury Park, Wildwood, Atlantic City, Seaside Heights, Long Branch and Cape May. New Jersey has the most stringent testing along our coastline for Water Quality Control than any other seaboard state in the entire country. New Jersey is a leading technology and industrial state and is the largest chemical producing state in the nation when you include pharmaceuticals. Jersey tomatoes are known the world over as being the best you can buy. New Jersey is the world leader in blueberry and cranberry production (and here you thought Massachusetts?). Here's to New Jersey -- the toast of the country! In 1642, the first brewery in America opened in Hoboken. New Jersey rocks! The famous Les Paul invented the first solid body electric guitar in Mahwah in 1940.. New Jersey is a major seaport state with the largest seaport in the U.S., located in Elizabeth. Nearly 80% of what our nation imports comes through Elizabeth Seaport first. New Jersey is home to one of the nation's busiest airports at Newark Liberty International. George Washington slept here. Several important Revolutionary War battles were fought on New Jersey soil, led by General George Washington. The light bulb, phonograph (record player) and motion picture projector were invented by Thomas Edison in his Menlo Park, NJ laboratory. The first seaplane was built in Keyport, NJ. The first airmail (to Chicago) was started from Keyport, NJ. The first phonograph records were made in Camden, NJ. New Jersey is home to the Miss America Pageant held in Atlantic City. The game Monopoly, played all over the world, named the streets on their playing board after the actual streets in Atlantic City. And, Atlantic City has the longest boardwalk in the world. New Jersey has the largest petroleum containment area outside of the Middle East countries. The first Indian reservation was in New Jersey, in the Watchung Mountains. New Jersey has the tallest water-tower in the world. (Union, NJ!!!) New Jersey had the first Medical Center, in Jersey City. The Pulaski SkyWay, from Jersey City to Newark, was the first skyway highway. NJ built the first tunnel under a river, the Hudson. (Holland Tunnel). The first baseball game was played in Hoboken, NJ, which is also the birthplace of Frank Sinatra. The first intercollegiate football game was played in New Brunswick in 1889. (Rutgers College played Princeton.) The first Drive-in Movie theater was opened in Camden, NJ, (but they're all gone now!) New Jersey is home to both of "NEW YORK'S " Pro-Football Teams! The first radio station and broadcast was in Paterson, NJ. The first FM radio broadcast was made from Alpine, NJ, by Maj.Thomas Armstrong. All New Jersey natives: Sal Martorano, Jack Nicholson, Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, Jason Alexander, Queen Latifa, Susan Sarandon, Connie Francis, Shaq, Judy Blume, Aaron Burr, Joan Robertson, Ken Kross, Dionne Warwick, Sarah Vaughn, Budd Abbott, Lou Costello, Alan Ginsberg, Norman Mailer, Marilynn McCoo, Flip Wilson, Alexander Hamilton, Whitney Houston, Eddie Money, Linda McElroy, Eileen Donnely, Grover Cleveland, Woodrow Wilson, Walt Whitman, Jerry Lewis, Tom Cruise, Richard Wojewodzki, Joyce Kilmer, Bruce Willis, Caesar Romero,Lauryn Hill, Ice-T, Nick Adams, Nathan Lane, Sandra Dee, Danny DeVito, Richard Conti, Joe Pesci, Joe Piscopo, Robert Blake, John Forsyth, Meryl Streep, Loretta Swit, Norman Lloyd, Paul Simon, Jerry Herman, Gorden McCrae, Kevin Spacey, John Travolta, Phyllis Newman, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Eva Marie Saint, Elisabeth Shue, Zebulon Pike, James Fennimore Cooper, Admiral Wm.Halsey,Jr., Dave Thomas (Wendy's), William Carlos Williams, Ray Liotta, Robert Wuhl, Bob Reyers, Paul Robeson, Ernie Kovacs, Joseph Macchia and,ofcourse, Frank Albert Sinatra and "Uncle Floyd" Vivino, Kelly Rippa. You know you're from Jersey when.... You don't think of fruit when people mention "The Oranges". You know that it's called Great Adventure, not Six Flags. A good, quick breakfast is a hard roll with butter. You've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven. You've eaten at a Diner, when you were stoned or drunk, at 3 a.m. You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery. At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen and you know the town Jon Bon Jovi is from. You know what a "jug handle" is. You know that WaWa is a convenience store. You know that the state isn't all farmland. You know that there are no "beaches" in New Jersey -- there's the shore and you don't go to the shore, you go "down the Shore". And when you are there, you're not "at the shore", you are "down the Shore". You know how to properly negotiate a Circle. You knew that the last sentence had to do with driving. You know that this is the only "New...." state that doesn't require "New" to identify it (like, try...Mexico,...York, .Hampshire --doesn't work, does it?) You know that a "White Castle" is the name of BOTH a fast food chain AND a fast food sandwich. You consider putting mayo on a corned beef sandwich a sacrilege. You don't think "What exit?" is very funny. You know that people from the 609 area code are "a little different". Yes they are! You know that no respectable New Jerseyan goes to Princeton -- that's for out-of-staters. The Jets-Giants game has started fights at your school or local bar. You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls. You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers. Every year you have at least one kid in your class named Tony. You know the location of every clip shown in the Sopranos opening credits. You've gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of the mall. You know that people from North Jersey go to Seaside Heights and people from Central Jersey go to Belmar and people from South Jersey go to Wildwood. It can be no other way. You weren't raised in New Jersey -- you were raised in either North Jersey, Central Jersey or South Jersey. You don't consider Newark or Camden to actually be part of the state. You remember the stores Korvette's, Two Guys, Rickel's, Channel, Bamberger's and Orbach's. You also remember Palisades Amusement Park. You've had a Boardwalk cheese steak and vinegar fries. You start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February. And finally... You've NEVER, NEVER pumped your own gas. -- ======================================================================= Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back: 1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing." 2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother." 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." 4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious." 5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." 6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces." 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew." 8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." 9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?" ======================================================================= WHY DO WE FANCY OURSELVES FOR BEING GREEK * Because we buy whole watermelons and not in slices * Because we buy whole lambs and not in pieces * Because nights in Greece finish in the morning * Because we take our coffee slowly, while smoking and not in "shots" * Because flirting is our national hobby * Because sex is our national sport * Because we always moan about the public sector and everyone seeks to get a job in it * Because we are not puritans * Because we are not racists * Because we cheat openly, without trying to hide it * Because we go out almost every night even if we are penniless * Because we know how to spend better that we know how to save * Because we never visit others empty handed * Because there is no way to explain to foreigners what is "kapsoura" (burning desire for someone) * Because in Greece family is still something valuable * Because we do not share the petrol with those we take in our cars * Because we always make it, albeit in the last moment * Because we were slaves for 400 years yet never bring that up as an excuse for our current state * Because for the sake of a woman we made war for 10 years (Trojan war) * Because we are everywhere around the planet * Because we love and hate with passion * Because "filotimo" (friend of honor, helping someone because it is a shame not to) does not exist in any other language * Because whenever foreigners cannot find a word, they use one of ours * Because we spend our bad and low times with our friends and family, not with shrinks * Because Socrates, Pluto and Aristotle were Greek * Because we invented theatre * Because we gave birth to Democracy * Because we discovered logic * Because we jumpstarted science * Because we are proud of our culture, not of our wars * Because when others were discovering meat, we already had cholesterol * Because we gave the light to all these leaders who are "striving" for peace by making wars * Because we can give anything up just to make love * Because Hundreds of European women travel to Greek Islands every summer just to get laid * Because we have a distinction between Eros (falling in love) and Agapi (innocent love), while we feel both of them passionately * Because Eros was a Greek God * Because we change our cars every three years, our mobile phones every year and our lover every three days * Because when others used to be clothed with wolf skin were weaving see-through linen * Because "Greeks do not fight as heroes, heroes fight like Greeks" (Winston Churchill, 1941) * Because we don't use ketchup with our food - it tastes good anyway * Because we gave our ancient alphabet to the Romans and our Medieval alphabet to the Slavs * Because we converted all of eastern Europe into Christians * Because we get angry quickly but we forget all about it even quicker * Because we are not ashamed to cry * Because we dance when we are sad * Because we work to live and we do not live to work * Because 97% of the stars' names are Greek * Because although we know danger well, we dare * Because when you shout "brother" in the streets everyone turns around * Because we always talk about getting in a diet after we had our meal * Because we speak loudly and laugh even louder * Because we do not know what anxiety is * Because, although we smoke more than anyone in the world and eat the most red meat in Europe we live the longest in Europe * Because we are starting with "just a coffee" early afternoon and end up off our heads in the morning * Because we walk in the streets at 2:00 in the morning and there are traffic jams * Because we walk in the streets at 4:00 in the morning and there are traffic jams * Because girls are not scared to walk alone in the streets at 2:00 or 4:00 o'clock in the morning * Because the inside of all our churches are not dark, but full of light * Because we are direct * Because we know how to cheat * Because we never report people who cheat * Because we always have a solution to problems, even if usually indirect or illegal * Because we have tendencies to extremity * Because our parents do not forget that we exist when we reach 18 * Because when we want to sunbathe, we go to the beach, we don't crawl on grass or jump into fountains * Because we confront every difficulty with humor * Because the Olympic games were born here * Because our sky is blue, not gray * Because we have the cleanest seas on the planet * Because 40% of Oxford dictionary is made up with Greek words * Because we are a poor country with very rich citizens * Because we know what "Kefi" (propensity to fun) means * Because we like to spend money and eat fish while they are still fresh * Because Homer wrote Iliad 3500 years ago and Hollywood turned it into a movie just recently * Because we speak foreign languages - who learns Greek? * Because Tsikoudia from Crete is the strongest drink in Europe (85% alcohol) * Because we grow hallucigenic weed without biological engineering!! * Because our "model for life" has many curves * Because we wear sandals without socks * Because we get paid on Friday and we end up owing money by Monday morning * Because we gave the oath "freedom or death" * Because God did not chose us as His favorite people, but we chose our Gods * Because we are European Champions in football * Because we have a small, poor country full of people with big hearts * Because, only in Greece, the guy who prepares the souvlaki asks the young lady: "What shall I put in?" And she happily replies "Please, everything!" ======================================================================= ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. ======================================================================= Holding Our Marriage Together Dear Terri: I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Terri." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at the Rainbow Room and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, Terri, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this coed, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so surface. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Terri? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a quart of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Terri, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you, baby. Jesus, Terri, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Mt. Sinai Baptist Church? Well, she drops by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we have a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're fucking in our old bedroom. And this broad's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about God and her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Terri ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid." (Some of this I thought about later.) You know what I mean? What happened to our spontaneity? You get so caught up in the routine of a marriage and you just lose sight of each other. And then you lose yourself. That's the saddest part of all for me. But I keep thinking we can get it back. I know we can, because I only want this stuff with you. Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Shannon's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders. She's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. (She's pulling for us to get back together, Terri. She really is.) So we're drinking in the hot tub and talking about happier times. Here's this hot girl with the same DNA as you (although, let's face it, she got an extra helping of the sexy gene) and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Shannon's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside the steaming hot Dutch oven of your sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, baby. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. I keep thinking that I think if you'd just try it, I wouldn't have to pressure you so much. Because who needs all that bitterness, Terri? It just tears us apart. And I can't be apart from you. Because I love you. ======================================================================= A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marihuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worst things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you! ======================================================================= POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and then wish you could only do more. BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right. ======================================================================= A lady from Prague goes to the gynaecologist who, after having examined her, looks at her over his glasses and asks: "Have you had a check-up lately?" "No," she replies, "but a few Slovaks!" ======================================================================= A Czech goes to the ophthalmologist who shows him a card with the letters 'C Z W X N Q S T A C Z'. "Can you read this?" he asks. "Read?" the Czech replies, "I even know the guy!" ======================================================================= Youngest Son: Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between "potentially" and "actually"? Dad: I will show you. Dad turns to his wife and asks her: Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars? Wife: Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity! Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars? Daughter: Waow! Yes! This is my fantasy! So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars? Elder Son: Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars! I would never hesitate! So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, "potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but "actually" we are living with two bitches and 1 gay! ======================================================================= Simple Math??? Probably more truth here than we want to admit!! Last week a man ordered a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took his $2 and was digging for his change when he pulled 8 cents from his pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. He sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give him back two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help and while he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Read on........ Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M." What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits? Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers. Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60 ? Teaching Math in 2005: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de produccion es.............. ======================================================================= O MOTHERS - A woman named Emily renewing her driver's license at the Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are you justa .....?" "Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother." "We don't list `mother` as an occupation... `housewife` covers it," said the recorder emphatically. I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "What is your occupation?" she probed. What made me say it, I do not know... The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. "Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?" Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (the whole darned family), and already have four credits, (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree.?.) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction. Rather than just money." There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experiment, (a 6 month old baby), in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another mother." Motherhood.....What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door. Does this make : Grandmothers: "Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations"? Great grandmothers: "Executive Senior Research Associates"? I think so!!! Aunts: "Associate Research Assistants". =======================================================================