======================================================================= If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00. Worldcom leaves you with less than $5.00 If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) a year ago, consumed all of the beer, then turned in the cans for either the recycled aluminum fee, or the 10¢ deposit, (depending on your state of residence), you would have ( ± $214.00). Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This, new retirement program, is called the 401Keg program. ======================================================================= CORPORATE LESSONS Corporate Lesson 1 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next-door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Corporate Lesson 2 A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized: "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity. Corporate Lesson 3 A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Corporate Lesson 4 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Corporate Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullsh1t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Corporate Lesson 6 A little bird was flying South for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Moral of the story: Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy; Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend; and When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut. ======================================================================= Chili Cook-Off If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you! *Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have been to a Cook-Off, you know how true this is. These notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato, and amusing kick. Judge # 2 ? Nice smooth tomato flavor, and very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out, I hope that's the worst one, these Texans are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork, Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili#3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili, great kick, needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, and good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. Can I get a loaf of Wonder Bread? Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice, Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans, Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those red necks. Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili, good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet, aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic, superb. Judge #3 -- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought, can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid - unnoticed - out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili #8: Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? ======================================================================= A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, ..."May I ask what the turkey did?" ======================================================================= A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence... and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?" ======================================================================= Office Math From a strictly mathematical viewpoint, it goes like this: What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 - Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11= 98% and, K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14=15=23=12=5=4=7=5= 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1=20=20=9=20=21=4=5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 21+12+12+19+8+9+20= 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you: A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7= 118% So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that: While, hardwork and knowledge will get you close, and, attitude will get you there, BULLSHIT and ASS KISSING will put you over the top! ======================================================================= There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids." ======================================================================= Husbands need sex, and it's a wife's job to provide it - as much as he wants, whenever he wants it. So contends Laura Schlessinger (search) - better known as Dr. Laura, the ever-provocative radio-show shrink - in "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." In a galley of her book, coming out in January, Schlessinger describes what she calls "loving obligation" - that is, a spouse's duty to do something whether or not he or she feels like it. If husbands are expected to "go to work and earn money" and visit relatives they don't like, she argues, why can't their wives put out on demand? She also describes other ways a woman can make her marriage flourish: by making her husband her No. 1 priority; by not nagging, nitpicking or whining ("Be honest, girls, this is what we do") and by seeing her husband for what he is: "a gift from God," and respecting him accordingly. This may all be very well, coming as it does from a married, conservative, 56-year-old with a Ph.D in physiology, but some therapists aren't buying her major thesis: that it's men who are starved for sex. "In most marriages, it's the wife who wants sex, and the husband who doesn't," says Frederick Woolverton, a clinical psychologist and director of the Village Institute for Psychotherapy. "Dating and honeymoons are all about sex. Marriage is all about intimacy. Men have affairs because they're afraid of intimacy." It's true that sex is an essential part of marriage, Woolverton says, adding, "It's the women who are complaining." Marcella Bakur Wiener, a clinical psychologist who has counseled couples for 30 years, agrees that the notion of the sex-starved husband is a generalization. "Some men are insatiable, but so are some women," she says. But no matter who needs it, she says, sex should never be something that's supplied on demand. "There are so many things we already 'have to do' in life," Wiener sighs. "Why should there be a 'have to' in an intimate relationship?" Yet another therapist sees Schlessinger's point - sort of. Diana Adile Kirschner, a couples therapist, believes husbands and wives should meet each other's needs as long as it's not "a one-way deal." "In the couples I see, the women want foreplay, romance, communication, which tends to open them up to being sexual," she says. "When the man gets more sex, he feels more connected, and more like communicating. When a woman feels understood and romanced, she's more likely to feel more sexual." Memo to Dr. Laura: Can "The Proper Care and Courtship of Wives" be far behind? ======================================================================= Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. ======================================================================= A fellow was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lb. due to serious health risks. As he wondered how he would ever do it, he ran across an ad for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Yeah, right!" he thought. But, desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10-lb weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door. When he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-yr-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing & puffing, he finally catches her & has his way with her. After she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next 2 days & the same thing happens. On the 4th day, he weighs himself & is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs, as promised. He calls the company & orders their 5-day/20-lb. program. The next day there's a knock at the door & there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen, wearing nothing 'but Reebok running shoes & a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape & it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp & wheeze. For the next 4 days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the 5th day he weighs himself & found he has lost another 20 lbs! He decides to go for broke & calls the company to order the 7-day/50-lb program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine." And the race was on !!!! ======================================================================= When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, puts a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.The man took the cash from the e clerk and fled, leaving the$20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?) A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,MOTHER-STICKERS,THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun.He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a****-up!" Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze,and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head,knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. ======================================================================= A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box." ======================================================================= HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS? The first couple shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ~ Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. Coca-Cola was originally green. ~ It is impossible to lick your elbow. The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000 ~ Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. The youngest Pope was 11 years old. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. ~ "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. ~ Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. ~ Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception. ~ Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace ~ Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession ~ Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand ~ Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women. ~ Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey ~ Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? A. He was allergic to carrots. ~ Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet. ~ In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed more firm to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight". ~ It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon. ~ In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "mind their own pints and quarts and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" ~ Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled "Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden".... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. ~AND FINALLY At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow. ======================================================================= GROWING UP GREEK If you grew up in a Greek household, at least some of these should seem familiar to you..... All the old ladies in church wore a black dress every Sunday. You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for lunch was pronounced "samicha." Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents and extended family. The idea of eating fish head soup didn't seem strange to you. You were surprised to discover the FDA recommends you eat three meals a day, not seven. You ate avgolemono soup for dinner at least three times a week. You thought oil and vinegar were the only salad dressing. You grew up thinking no fruit or vegetable had a fixed price and that the price of everything was negotiable through haggling. You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven. You thought everyone's last name ended in s. You ate your salad with dinner. You thought Greek Orthodox was the only religion in the world. You eat half the loaf of French bread on the way home from the Grocery store. You can understand GREEK even if you can't speak it. You have at least one relative who came over on the boat. Your grandparents called the bathroom the "meros". You have at least six male relatives named Nick, John, or Gus. You have relatives who aren't really your relatives. You have relatives you don't speak to. You tasted wine with your parents before you were a teenager. You relate on some level, admit it, to the Godfather and the Sopranos. You thought that talking loud was normal. You thought Kourambiedes were common at all weddings. There was an eikona in every room of the house. Boys didn't do house work because it was women's work. You couldn't date a boy without getting approval from your parents or never dated at all!!!! You called pasta macaronia. Your parents made you help them pick weeds ("XORTA") from the back yard or roadside and boiled them to eat!! Those of you who get this...KNOW who to pass it on to!!!! ======================================================================= A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that." ======================================================================= An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women." The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian." ======================================================================= GREEK EASTER PICKUP LINES 1. Hi baby, can I buy you a candle? 2. So, do you come here often? Yeah, me neither. 3. You know, the scent of your perfume really compliments the smell of your burned hair. 4. Do you find the sensation of hot melted wax on your skin as stimulating as I do? 5. Would you like to meet me under the Epitaphio after church? I'll bring the wine, you bring the bread... 6. You know, your grip on that candle is really impressive... 7. You, me, some wine, hot wax and olive oil - need I say more? 8. The light of that candle really hides the fasting-induced black circles around your eyes. 9. Is that melted wax on your pants or are you just happy to see me? 10. Want to bump Easter eggs after church? 11. So do you come here often or just 2 nights a year? 12. So..... wanna grab some mayeritsa together after this and maybe a tourkiko with some tsoureki tomorrow? ======================================================================= Subject: Men! 1. He said....I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said... You wear pants don't you? 2. He said...since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you badly. She said...Well, you succeeded. 3. He said...Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said...That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart! 4. He said...What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror! 5. He said....Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would but you are never there. 6. On a wall in a ladies room...."My husband follows me everywhere" ritten just below it..."I do not" 7. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them. 8. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a prostitute. 9. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time. 10. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They don't stop and ask for directions 11. What do men and sperm have in common? They both have one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being 12. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer 13. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them 14. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it's never happened 15. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? They already have boyfriends. 16.Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. (This has got to be 'My' favorite!) 17 What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They are married. ======================================================================= Drinking Booze in Saudi Arabia An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do). The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honourable,handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. "And your second wish what is it to be?" the Sheik asked. The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back." ======================================================================= After the Turkish Parliament voted to disallow American troops in Turkey for an Iraq war, former Turkish prime minister Bulent Ecevit phoned President George W Bush: "I had a dream about the United States" he said. "I could see the whole country, and over every building and home was a banner," said Ecevit.. "What was on the banner?" asked Mr. Bush. "Long live Turkish-American friendship." answered the Turkish prime minister. "I'm so glad you called" said President Bush. "I, too, had a dream. In my dream, I saw Turkey and it was more beautiful than ever; totally rebuilt with many tall, gleaming office buildings, large residential subdivisions with swimming pools in every yard; and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner." "What did the banner say?" Asked Mr. Ecevit. "I don't know," answered the president, "I can't read Greek." ======================================================================= Quote of the Day: "You know the world is going crazy when: the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war." ======================================================================= In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher nd said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?" "Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my frientd, it might be a good idea to take a moment filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was f****** his wife. ======================================================================= One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush asks him; "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom "Tom," Dubya asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson advises. Bush isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I can do now, to help the country?" Bush asks. Abe replies; "Go see a play." ======================================================================= Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'4", hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God......"