"An American, a Japanese and an Polish man were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm, and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. That was my pager,' he said. 'I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.' "A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained: 'That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.' "The Polish man felt decidedly low-tech, but, not to be out done, he decided to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Polish man finally said: 'Well, will you look at that! I'm getting fax.'" Ladies' night out Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, s o she took off her panties and used them to clean up and discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties". The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, 'We will never forget you'". Two Arabs boarded a flight out of New York after a hockey game. One sat in the window seat and the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American got on and took the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arabs in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer." "No problem," said the American, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it. When the American returned to his seat, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes, and peeing in beers?" A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms,son.... Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see." replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday,and TWO for Sunday." WOW!" exclaimed the boy; "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January,one for February, one for March........" Monica Lewinsky walked into her dry cleaning store and told the guy, I've got another dress for you to clean. "Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replied, "Come again?" "No" she said.... "Horseradish." Advanced Science ---------------- A British doctor says : "Science in my country is so advanced that we can take a brain out of one man, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says : "That's nothing, we can take a brain out of one person, put it in another and have him preparing for war in four weeks." The American doctor, not to be outdone, says : "You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work, and the other half preparing for war." The following ad was in The Atlanta Journal: SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, fishing trips, and cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy. Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an 8-week-old Labrador Retriever. (Men are so easy) A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things ..... 1 - The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal. 3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah...Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." TOTO One day Toto's sister brings home her beautiful friend. Toto is sitting in the den with his dad. Toto's dad turns to him and says, "son go to your sisters room and bring me my slippers" Toto goes to his sister's room and tells the girls, "dad said to fuck you both". "What the hell are you saying..." is the reaction. "We can't believe you, get the hell out of here." Toto replies "watch I'll prove it." He shouts out towards his dad: "Dad one of them or both?" Dad replies back "you idiot, both". Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now." Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?" Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice." "But how do you putt?" asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice." Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick a night." TIMING A cop is patrolling at night in a well-known makeout spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He gets closer to the car and sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and knocks at the window. The young man lowers his window. "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" "Well, isn't it obvious, sir? I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says, "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs, "I believe she's knitting a pullover, sir." The cop is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night, and nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?" "I'm 25, sir." "And her, what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and says, "In 20 minutes, she'll be 18." Aches, Pains, and Bodily Functions Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee." The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" ask the others. "I don't wake up until nine!" I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall: "Hi, how are you doing?" Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad." And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?" Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just like you I'm driving east." Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you." If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. Wife has the last say... A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark. A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken." The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually getting screwed. A few day's ago when I visited a gas station, a women (blonde, of course...!) came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten!? We all looked at each other and suddenly another customer? asked, what is a seven-hundred-ten????? She replied.....you know the little piece in the middle of the engine, I've lost it? and need a new one. The guy at the gas station asked: "what's it used? for?"....... she replied that she didn't know, but this piece has always been there. The guy gave her a paper and a pen and asked her to explain how the piece looked like. The women started to draw a 6 cm circle and in the middle she wrote 710.!!!!! OK give up? turn this email us side down and read what 710 stands for Irish Toast John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come. Johnny's Marriage Proposal Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance... Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks aweek. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..." "What is politics?" A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says: "Well, son, let me try to explain it to you this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if it doesn't all makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed, pondering over what his dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the_ door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The Father says "Good Son now in your own words tell me what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies with great conviction: "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit." Every morning, Bill Clinton would take a jog near his home in NY State. And on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. Apprehensive, he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly about to follow. "Fifty dollars! " she would shout from the curb. "No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton. This ritual between the ex-prez and the hooker continued for several days He'd run by. She'd holler, "Fifty dollars" He'd yell back, "Five dollars! " One day, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the now infamous street corner, Bill suddenly realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer for all to hear (including Hillary) and he would have to come up with a very good explanation for his wife, the junior Senator. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past her, Bill became overcome with anxiety on how to handle the situation. Sure enough there she was -- standing where she always did. Bill tried to evade the streetwalker's eyes as she looked up at the jogging couple. Then from the sidewalk, she yelled to Bill: "See what you get for five bucks?" Mid-term Exam The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year that "..... it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" - and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true; and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over. This student received the only "A" given. The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do." The Iraqi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek." President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future..." The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon". Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to ..." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my god!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture."She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh ... equipment?" "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work""Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. "Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!" Microsoft Vs. GM For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on: At a recent computer expo, COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating, "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1.For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2.Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3.Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 4.Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 5.Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall a new engine. 6.Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 7.The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light or a "You have performed an illegal operation." 8.The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying. 9.Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off." "In this world, a good time to laugh is any time you can." The Next Survivor Show 6 Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food. Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc. The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is no remote. The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 A. M; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas. The kids vote them off the island, based on performance. The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice. If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years - eventually earning the right to be called "Mother." -- Here is another game of survivor. Send it back to the woman who wrote the other version: 6 women will be dropped off on the corner of Wall Street and Broadway with a pen and a briefcase with some paper in it. There will be no other items with which they can use at their disposal. Each woman must get a job, and secure a salary large enough to support a spouse, 4 children, a mortgage, 2 cars, and groceries, as well as clothes and utilities, vacations, camp, and schooling and medical benefits, while simultaneously saving for retirement, and the security of their family beyond their death. They must awaken every day for work at 6:00 AM, get 30 minutes to shave, shower, crap, and dress, and commute in a long tin box filled to the gills with other workers and with a noise level close to 100 decibels in order to remain punctual. They must navigate the political climate of the company culture and pitfalls of the economy's sudden downturns while finding time to attend recitals, and soccer games, participate as a coach in at least one after school sport, and be supportive of a continuing education process or charity the spouse engages in. They must come home every day and help out with the bathing, and put the children to sleep. Then they must engage in at least an hour of meaningful dialogue, while their spouse recounts their day, so that they will not feel disenfranchised in the parental process, and further give the home care giver an opportunity to have adult conversation. They must be cheerful. They will eat a cold meal, or have to make due with takeout, and then proceed with the opening of the mail, paying the bills, and handling the paperwork, take out the garbage, walk the dog, and engage in any additional work that they brought home from the office. Each and every weekend, they must work on all home maintenance, including but not limited to the autos, plumbing, woodwork, landscaping, and shopping, while 4 adolescents compete for their attention, because their spouse disappears for 4 hrs to go shopping, get their hair highlighted, or their nails done. They only get to be intimate with their spouse for a moment once a week, if the other is not too tired, or complained that it is their time of the month, and the children are completely asleep. They can never be voted off. They are stuck with these responsibilities for 35 years. There are no winners. Only losers. If they are able to keep a smile on their face and make it retirement with their sanity, their hair, and some savings that the spouse has not blown on shoes and plastic surgery, they are survivors. They will have eventually earned the right to be retirees. They will probably die of a stroke or a heart attack within 2.4 yrs of that date. ITS GREAT TO BE A MAN Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. Your orgasms are real. Always. Your last name stays put. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack that doesn't go to your hips. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rats ass if someone notices your new haircut. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. You can open all your own jars. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Same work...more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress $5,000; Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood, ALL the damn time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95! for a three-pack. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me." You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. You! are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can do your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, December 24th in 45 minutes. The world is your urinal. The Rules -- This Time By Men We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. 1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. 1 . Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. 1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Check your oil! Please. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.) 1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz. 1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape. They Needed a Study for This? LONDON (Reuters) - Want to be more attractive? Make sure those around you are having a drink. British scientists have found even modest amounts of alcohol will make the opposite sex appear better-looking. "We have carried out experiments which show that what is known in the trade as the 'beer-goggle effect' does actually exist," Barry Jones, professor of psychology at Glasgow University, told Reuters Monday. The study of 120 male and female students found drinking up to four units of alcohol -- about two pints of beer or four glasses of wine -- increased the perceived attractiveness of members of the opposite sex by about 25 percent. Jones said alcohol apparently stimulates a part of the brain called the nucleus accumbens, which judges facial attractiveness. "There is a strong link between facial attractiveness and signals about the quality of a potential mate," Jones said. The professor said the study had been prompted by the causal link between risky sex and alcohol consumption. Its findings come at a time when young Britons are increasingly binge drinking, which has serious health risks. Chinese proverbs ----------------- Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.