A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am??? The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" Persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years. There was this little boy about 10 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!" Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!" A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20, on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said...... "Clean my house." Once there was a prostitute who had three different rates based on the following three conditions: 1) $100.00 to do it on the grass. 2) $200.00 to do it on a couch. 3) $300.00 to do it in the bed. In the morning a British guy walks in and slaps a $100 note on the table. So they go out and did it on the grass. Soon, an American walks in and slaps a $200 note on the table. So they go for the couch and do it on there. At the end of the day, a Greek walks in and slaps $300 on the table. Happy from seeing the money the prostitute says, "Wow,...you've got some class" The Greek responds, "Class my ass mori... Three times on the grass TORA!." A Chinese man walked into a pub in New York with his pal. He says to his pal: Hey! That's Jurassic Park Director Steven Spielberg over there! God, I wish he'll come over to say hi. Spielberg suddenly walked over and gave the man a heavy punch on the nose. Hey!! What's that for?! You bloody Japanese killed my granddad when you bombed Pearl Harbour! I'm not Japanese! I'm Chinese! Chinese,Vietnamese, Japanese, you're all the same! Spielberg walks back. The Chinese man calmly walks over and gives Spielberg a really heavy punch on the face. What... !?! YOU BLOODY AMERICAN! YOU SANK THE TITANIC! No, no, an iceberg sank the Titanic! Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you're all the same! NEW YORK ... Year 2032. A man is walking down the streets of Manhattan with his kid. All of a sudden they stop in front of a park, and the man comments to his young son...... "Just think, not too long ago the Twin Towers used to stand here......". So the son asks him with an intrigued look in his face and says ...... "Dad, what were the Twin Towers?" The father looks down at his young son and sadly states: "They were two very tall buildings with lots of offices, but 31 years ago a bunch of terrorists from the Middle East crashed a plane into each one and they collapsed". The young boy looks up at his father and says, "Dad, what's the Middle East?" The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! -- it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again............ don't ya just love shopping for shoes Dirty things you can say on THANKSGIVING and get away with it: 1. Talk about a huge breast! 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. It's Cool Whip time! 4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst! 5. Whew, that's one terrific spread! 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10. Don't play with your meat. 11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in. 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you stick it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that! 18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen! 19. How long do I beat it before it's ready? 20. Wash your hands after handling the raw meat. 21. "can't wait to dig into your pie!" 22. Is it supposed to be that brown? 23. Tastes a little salty to me ADULT SEX QUIZ Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife,but you can't beat a blowjob. Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A.) So men can be open minded. Q.) What's the speed limit of sex? A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around. Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego... A.) "Is it in?" Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? A.) One of his fingers is clean. Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common? A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed. Inter-Cave Memo ============== From: Bin Laden, Osama Sent: Monday, October 22, 2001 8:17 AM To: Cavemates Subject: The Cave Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns. First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening. Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks. Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together. Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying. Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard. Love you lots. Osama Taliban Courage... A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One U. S. Army Special Forces soldier is better than ten Taliban." The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One U. S. Army Special Forces soldier is better than fifty Taliban." Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 50 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The American voice calls out again "One U. S. Special Forces soldier is better than one hundread Taliban." The enraged Taliban Commander musters one hundread of his best fighters and sends then across the dune. Gunfire, grenades, machine gun fire, rockets, etc ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence! Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his Taliban Commander, "Don't send anymore men, its a trap. There's two of them!" How to Explain Enron to Your Children: Feudalism - You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. Fascism - You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. Communism - You have two cows. Your neighbors help take care of them and you share the milk. Totalitarianism - You have two cows. The government takes them both and denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned. Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. Enron Venture Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general partner so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. All this time everyone around Bush has been worried about Osama bin Laden (news - web sites), said NBC's ``Tonight Show'' host Jay Leno (news - Y! TV), but ``it turns out he was almost done in by Mr. Salty.'' The White House said Bush fainted Sunday after a pretzel went down the wrong way. ``They ran to get Dick Cheney (news - web sites), and they realized nobody could remember the undisclosed location he was hiding in,'' Leno said. CBS ``Late Show'' host David Letterman (news - Y! TV) noted how the ``poor guy'' was out cold for four seconds. ``Fortunately, it was the same four seconds that Dick Cheney was conscious,'' Letterman said. Bush, who was traveling in the Midwest Monday, sent reporters following him a big bag of pretzels with the instructions to ``chew slowly.'' He sported a red scrape on his cheek from the incident. ``It's no laughing matter,'' Letterman said. ``He had a cut on his forehead, his cheek was bruised, and this president is not even married to Hillary.'' George Carlin Imponderables: 1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? 2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? 4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in... what happens to the other penny? 8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? 12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? 13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? 14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? 16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. 21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning. 26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. 28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? 29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 30. Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is NAIVE. 31. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 32. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans? 33. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean the fifth one enjoys it? The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption. To test the theory, 100 men consumed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period.  It was then observed that 100% of the men:   * gained weight;   * talked excessively without making sense;   * became overly emotional;   * couldn't drive;   * failed to think rationally;   * argued over nothing;   * had to sit down while urinating;   * couldn't perform sexually; and   * refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned. A Woman's Dictionary 1. "Fine" This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.) 2. "Five minutes" This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade. 3. "Nothing" Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine." 4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)This is NOT permission; it's a dare!! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine." 5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows) This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. 6. "Loud Sigh" This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing!." 7. "Soft Sigh" Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft! ! Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet ! is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer. 8. "Oh" This word-followed by any statement - is trouble. Example; Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. ("Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow. "Go ahead," sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them. 9. "That's Oka! ! y" This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done! "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble. 10. "Please Do" This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay." 11. "Thanks" The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome." 12. "Thanks A Lot" "Thanks A Lot" is dramatically! ! different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing. A man played golf every Saturday and always got home around 2:00 in the afternoon. One Saturday, however, he rushed in at 7:30 pm and blurted to his wife, “I left the course at the normal time, but on the way home I stopped to change a flat tire for a young woman. She offered to buy me a drink, one thing led to another, and we spent the entire afternoon in a motel. I’m so sorry. I’ll never do it again.” “Don’t give me that crap,” his wife said. “You played 36, didn’t you?” Transplant In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, Where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in, looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky -- and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. Finally, one man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask: "Why does the male brain cost so much more?" The doctor smiled at his childish innocence, and so, to the Entire group he said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used." Josh invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, she couldn't help noticing how beautiful Josh's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between them than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Josh volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to Josh and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Josh said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll send her an email just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mom, I'm not saying you "did" take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you "did not" take a gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Josh. Several days later, Josh received an email back from his mother which read: Dear Josh, "I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Julie, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom. Lesson of the day... "Never Lie To Your Mother!" A wealthy couple planned to go to an evening ball. They advised Geoffrey, their Butler, that he was being given the evening off to do whatever he wanted. After an hour and a half at the ball the wife told her husband that she was dreadfully bored and in fact would prefer simply to go home and finish some work for the following day. The husband replied that he had to stay for a couple of more hours since he had to meet some potential business partners. So, the wife went home alone and found the butler Geoffrey spread out on the couch watching TV. Moving slowly towards him, she sat down in a very seductive manner. She whispered to him to come closer, then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear: "Take off my dress ..." she said And Geoffrey did so. "Now, will take off my bra ..." she asked To which Geoffrey obliged. "Next, please remove my shoes and stockings." she told him Geoffrey quickly followed her instructions again. "Now, remove my garter belt and panties." she ordered him. Again, without hesitation, Geoffrey complied. She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted: "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt." A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and let's have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again". ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES---------------------- 1) Run one lap around the office at top speed. 2) Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other non-player must be in the bathroom at the time). 3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you. 4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye". 5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. 6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!". 7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,"Sorry, I really prefer it this way". 8) Walk sideways to the photocopier. 9) While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. THREE-POINT DARES------------------ 1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers. 2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it". 3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice). 4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight). 5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting. FIVE POINT DARES---------------- 1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). 2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times. 3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob". 4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two". 5) After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. 6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator. 7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!". 8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again". 9) In a colleagues day planner, write in 10am:"See how I look in tights". 10)Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?". 11)Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?""Never mind, it's gone now". 12)Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it". 13) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call. 14)Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.