I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft Chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor." "Yeah." "I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, John,'?" "Sure." I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. "Hi, John," he said. I replied, "Fuck off, Gates, I'm in a meeting." A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of pr%situation, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new Madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought about it "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith." The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he woke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was natural. She told him to see a Doctor because she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning she was preparing the turkey for dinner while he was upstairs sound asleep. She looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards, neck, gizzard, liver, and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sleeping and gently pulled back the covers. She pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts and parts into his underwear. Some time later, she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled around on the floor laughing with tears in her eyes. After years of torture, she reckoned she had gotten her husband back. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean," asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in." A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered he was dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, whereare we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked. I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets. The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there" The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is Heaven," was the answer. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind." TOP 9 SEX JOKES ******************************************************* # 9 A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221." ******************************************************* # 8 A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blow job." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will." ****************************************************** #7 A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you." ******************************************************* # 6 One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" ******************************************************* # 5 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." ******************************************************* # 4 A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked." ******************************************************* # 3 A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle". ******************************************************* # 2 A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in, he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said "Turn around". ******************************************************* # 1 There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!! ******************************************************* THE RABBIT AND BEAR Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now." The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell. Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" St. Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. St. Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, St. Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" St. Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. St. Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!" Then St. Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. St. Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who is Einstein and Picasso?" St. Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George." How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me." How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? "Dad: "That happens in every country, son." A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted.." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday: Forget it once. Women will never be equal to men until: They can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator. A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer." __________________________________________________________ After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen." ____________________________________________________________ A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us." _____________________________________________________________ A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?" _____________________________________________________________ A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" _____________________________________________________________ After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!" ______________________________________________________________ Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot. ______________________________________________________________ The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook." ______________________________________________________________ Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked." A woman is singing, humming, and just giggling all over herself in the kitchen one day. Her husband asked her why she was so happy. She told him, "I went to the doctor today and he said that I have the breasts of a twenty year old." The husband asked, "What did he say about your fifty year old ass?" She replied, "Your name didn't even come up. There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to the doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Ahhha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The Doctor then told the midget to pull up his pants to see if they still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee,Doc, what did you do?" he asked. The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots." Three guys were pulled out of detective training for special attention, because they were not very bright. The police chief was interrogating them to determine if they were smart enough to become detectives. If not, they couldn't continue with the training. Things had not gone well so far. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first detective a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The Chief says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture only shows his PROFILE." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second guy laughs, rolls his eyes and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The chief angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his PROFILE! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he show the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "..think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses." The chief is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well that is an interesting answer... wait here a few minutes while I check this file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes into his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow, I can't believe it..it's true! The suspect does in fact wear contacts. Good Work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear." On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent!"Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well,... that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!""To whom did you lend it, and for how long?" 2000's 10 Wackiest Employment Lawsuits Gerald D. Skoning The National Law Journal March 29, 2001 Depending on how you define "millennium," our annual survey of the Top 10 Wackiest Employment Law Cases of the Year starts the new decade, century or millennium with a flourish. Here goes: 10. ON THE HOT SEAT (Although not technically an employment case, this proved irresistible.) A lab technician employed by the University of California was sentenced to three months in jail for smearing radioactive material on a co-worker's chair. The technician reportedly blamed the other employee for a mishap that occurred during tests of radioactive material and placed the material on her chair "to get even." The woman sat in the chair for two days before discovering what had occurred and is believed to have been exposed to a year's dose of radiation during that time. The technician pleaded guilty to misdemeanor charges of assault and battery and a felony count of "unlawful disposal of radioactive material." (The Illinois Labor Letter March 2000) 9. FAMILY FARE The 7th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals reversed the dismissal of a sexual harassment case brought by a former employee of a national hamburger restaurant chain, reasoning as follows: "We have no doubt that the type of conduct at issue here falls on the actionable side of the line dividing abusive conduct from behavior that is merely vulgar or mildly offensive ... . Having a co-worker insert his tongue into one's mouth without invitation and having one's brassiere nearly removed is not conduct that would be anticipated in the workplace and certainly not in a family restaurant." For its forceful statement of the obvious, we salute the 7th Circuit. Ann M. Hostetler v. Quality Dining, Inc. 7th Circuit Docket No. 98-2386, decided 6/29/00. 8. COLD FUSION IS GOD The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission decided in July that an employee who was fired for his "obsessive" belief in the possibility of cold fusion -- which most physicists believe is impossible -- can sue his employer, the U.S. Patent Office, for religious discrimination. The agency reasoned that as long as an employee has a seriously held conviction that he regards as "religious," he is protected from discrimination by federal law. And so, the fierce debate over the dividing line between science and religion continues to puzzle the experts. Paul A. LaViolette v. U.S. Patent Office (Chicago Reader Nov. 17, 2000). 7. VIPER'S JUSTICE The 8th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that a hospital switchboard operator's fear of snakes does not entitle her to coverage under the Americans With Disabilities Act because her fear does not substantially limit her ability to work. In affirming summary judgment for the hospital, the court ruled that the employee's fear of snakes in her work area, where snakes had, in fact, been seen, was not a disability because it prevented her only from working in her current job, not from performing a broad range of jobs: "A comfort level with snakes is simply not a requirement for most jobs," the court said. Anderson v. North Dakota State Hospital, 11 AD Cases 304, 8th Circuit 2000. 6. TOO SMART FOR A COP In a landmark ruling, the 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals upheld a lower court's decision allowing the police department to reject a candidate whose scores on an intelligence test were too high. The plaintiff had scored 33 points on the test (the equivalent of an IQ of 125); the police department only interviewed candidates whose scores fell in the range of 20-27 points. The national average score for police officers is 21-22. The police department successfully argued that the higher score indicated a greater likelihood that the plaintiff would become bored with police work and leave the department after costly job training. Robert Jordan v. City of New London, 2nd Circuit September 2000. 5. SHAME-ANISM The United States' largest aerospace company has been sued for religious discrimination by a former employee who was fired for working in the nude at the office on Thanksgiving Day 1998 when he thought he was alone. A security guard turned him in for "violating the company's dress code." The plaintiff charged that his termination was illegal because the company should have provided "reasonable accommodation" for his religion, shamanism. Mark W. Bziga v. Boeing, as reported in the Orange County Register, December 2000. 4. BABES IN TOYLAND A Minneapolis woman who took a job at a sex-toy shop filed a lawsuit against the store. The plaintiff claimed hostile-environment sexual harassment because of all the lewd talk she had to listen to during the workday. (Chicago Sun-Times, Sept. 27, 2000) 3. BISEXUAL HARASSMENT The 7th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that a supervisor who sexually harassed both a male and a female employee is not liable under Title VII of the 1964 Civil Rights Act. Rejecting the arguments of a married couple employed by the state of Indiana -- as well as those of the EEOC, which supported their position -- the court ruled that because their supervisor solicited sex from each of them, the alleged harassment was not covered by federal civil rights law. The plaintiffs had alleged that their department foreman began seeking sexual favors from the husband in August 1995 and from his wife four months later, and he then retaliated against them after they rejected his advances. The court rejected the plaintiffs' argument that harassers will shield themselves and their employers from liability by harassing members of both sexes to disguise their real intent: "Surely attorneys will not advise their employer-clients to instruct their employees to harass still more people -- to commit, in most states, state law torts -- which could subject their clients to lawsuits and themselves to claims of malpractice and charges of professional misconduct." That should count as fair warning to all equal-opportunity harassers. Holman v. State of Indiana and Indiana Department of Transportation, 7th Circuit Docket No. 99-1355 (7th Cir. May 2000). 2. BITCH, BITCH, BITCH ... The 7th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals has upheld the dismissal of a saleswoman's sexual harassment claim. During the two years that the saleswoman worked for the general manager, he is alleged to have engaged in hostile behavior by distributing sexually explicit material at business meetings, threatening violence toward female staff members, referring to women as "bitches" and "f------ bitches" and telling derogatory jokes at meetings. In dismissing the plaintiff's sexual harassment claims, the court reasoned that the "mere use of the word 'bitch' without other evidence of sex discrimination, is not particularly probative of a general misogynist attitude." The court reasoned further that the saleswoman presented no additional evidence demonstrating that the manager's use of the word "bitch" connoted a misogynist attitude, adding that the term was not used as a "synonym for female-specific characteristics" of which the manager did not approve. Moreover, because the saleswoman who filed the complaint used offensive language herself, she failed to show that the manager's language was unwelcome. Hocevar v. Perdue Frederick Co., 8th Circuit Docket No. 98-4075, Aug. 9, 2000. 1. SANITY PROTECTED Ohio's 8th District Court of Appeals ruled that a clerical worker for a mental health agency who claimed he was fired after his employer determined that he had no history of mental health problems can proceed with a wrongful discharge claim. Characterizing the claim as one of reverse discrimination, the court ruled that the plaintiff, who was the only employee at the agency without a mental health disability (or a history of one), was entitled to a trial on his claim of reverse discrimination. Thus, for the first time in legal history, sanity has been identified as a protected class. Woods v. Phoenix Society of Cuyahoga County, 8th District Court of Appeals, 2000; BNA DLR No. 107, June 2, 2000 at A-1. Irish Prayer ````````````` Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Irish Shopping" `````````````````` McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "You've Been Out Drinking Again" ```````````````````````````````````````` An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?" "The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I've Lost Me Luggage" ``````````````````````````` An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman. ``````````````````````````````````````````````````` "Water to Wine" ``````````````````` An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The Reunion" ```````````````` A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," says the second. Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin." "Of course" The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you attend?" "Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62." "This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union. About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The Brothel" ``````````````` Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation." Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Lost at Sea" `````````````` Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat." G.W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth II, who says: "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you." She calls Tony Blair in and asks "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?" Tony Blair replies: "It's me!" So G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says: "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?" And Cheney says: "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you." So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?" And Colin Powell says: "It's me!" So Cheney calls Bush and says: "It's Colin Powell." And Bush replies: "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!" Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that that wasn't the case, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" Presidential Pardon -------------------- The White House January 20, 2001 Mr. John Hinkley St. Elizabeth Hospital Washington D.C. Dear John, Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land. Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man. As such, I have granted you a Presidential Pardon. You may be released from hospital confinement effective immediately. Best wishes, Bill Clinton P.S. George W. Bush is screwing Jodie Foster. After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that Russia had a telephone network one thousand years ago. So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug down 300 metres, and headlines in the US newspapers read: US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that early Americans had advanced high-tech digital telephones 1000 years earlier than the Russians." One week later, the Greek press reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, a Greek scientists has found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago the Greeks were already using mobile phones!!!" A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explain to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh, and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they kept going. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman." The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ... promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times.I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh fu*k," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power." Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're real lucky, mine's still alive." How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying! A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!" Subject: An Expensive Room A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have." Christmas is just around the corner so here are some gift ideas for those special men in your life! Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems. Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why. Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts. Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big- screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer. Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy. Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.") Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?" Rule #12: Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." everyone knows why. Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker. Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why. Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why. A florist goes to the barber for a haircut and when he goes to pay, the barber says "I can't accept any money, I am doing a community service." The florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: "I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service". The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door. A Greek guy goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies:"I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service". The Greek guy of course is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, he finds a dozen Greeks waiting for a haircut ... There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: - "Hello?" - "Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?" - "Yes." - "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" - "What's the price?" "Only $1,500.00" - "Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..." - "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." - "What price did he quote you?" - "Only $60,000..." - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." - "Great!, before we hang up, something else..." - "What?" - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." - "How much are they asking?" - "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." - "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" - "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" - "Bye... I do too..." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: - "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?" "Revenge of the United Air Lines Employee" ------------------------------------------- A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!" The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate." With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore, "Fuck you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!" Republicans announced today they are changing their emblem from an elephant to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives a sense of security while screwing others. Rejection Letter Rebuttal! -------------------------- The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer, just send them the following: To Whom It May Concern: Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment at this time. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [Name of the Company]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately. I look forward to working with you. Best of luck in rejecting future candidates. Sincerely, [Your Name] Old is.... --------------- OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to have my fiber today. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee! OLD IS WHEN...... Your doctor tells you that you should be thinking about "the hereafter." And you tell him "I do all the time. Why just the other day I went to the garage and thought "What the hell am I here after." Fun things to do in an elevator!! -------------------------------- When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?" Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play. Ask, "Did you feel that?" Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally. Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up,all of you, just shut up!" Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask,"Got enough air in there?" Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on." Things That Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving But Aren't 10. Reach in and grab the giblets. 9. Whew... that's one terrific spread! 8. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist. 6. Talk about a huge breast! 5. "And he forces his way into the end zone." 4. She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down. 3. It's cool whip time! 2. If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst. 1. It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out. The Queen asked me to circulate this. NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit". 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Thank you for your cooperation. THE TENT POLE ------------- Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife, but his wife wasn't there. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil 'the moment' by getting up, so he called in his 4 yr old son and sent this note to his wife: * THE TENT POLE IS UP, * THE CANVAS IS SPREAD, * TO HELL WITH BREAKFAST, * COME BACK TO BED. The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read: * TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN * PUT THE CANVAS AWAY * THE MONKEY IS BLEEDING * NO CIRCUS TODAY So he sent another note down. It read: * THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP * AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD * SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING * AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD To which she replied: * I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S * THE BEST IN THE LAND * BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW * SO DO IT BY HAND! Drive Thru Banking!!! Please note that the HSBC Bank is installing new "Drive-thru" cash point machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time. MALE PROCEDURE 1 Drive up to the cash machine. 2 Wind down your car window. 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt 6 Wind up window 7 Drive off FEMALE PROCEDURE 1 Drive up to cash machine 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine 3 Re-start the stalled engine 4 Wind down the window 5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 6 Turn the radio down 7 Attempt to insert card into machine 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car 9 Insert card 10 Re-insert card the right way up 11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 12 Enter PIN. 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 14 Enter amount of cash required 15 Check make up in rear view mirror 16 Retrieve cash and receipt 17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside 18 Place receipt in back of check book 19 Re-check make-up again 20 Drive forwards 2 meters 21 Reverse back to cash machine 22 Retrieve card 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided 24 Restart stalled engine and pull off 25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles 26 Release handbrake Take this test. Let's see how good you are on "COMMON KNOWLEDGE." No cheating! No looking around; no using anything on or in your desk. Can you beat 18 right? (The average.) Write down your answers and check answers (which are on the bottom of e-mail) after completing all the questions. Remember now No Cheating! It is not as easy as it seems! 1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom? 2. How many states are there? (Don't laugh, some people don't know) 3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch? 4. What 6 colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label? 5. What 2 letters don't appear on the telephone dial? (No cheating!) 6. What 2 numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them? 7. When you walk does your left arm swing w/your right or left leg? 8. How many matches are in a standard pack? 9. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white? 10. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? 11. Which way does water go down the drain, counter-or clockwise? 12. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run? 13. How many channels on a VHF TV dial? 14. Which side of a women's blouse are the buttons on? 15. On a NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom? 16. Which way do fans rotate? 17. Whose face is on a dime? 18. How many sides does a stop sign have? 19. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side? 20. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel? 21. How many sides are there on a standard pencil? 22. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing? 23. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package? 25. On which playing card is the cardmaker's trademark? 26. On which side of a venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats? 27. On the back of a $1 bill, what is in the center? 28. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits? 29. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip? 30. Does a merry-go-round turn counter- or clockwise? Don't look at answers until you complete all the questions: Answers: 1. Bottom 2. 50 (please tell me you at least got this one!) 3. Right 4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black, and gold 5. Q, Z 6. 1, 0 7. Right 8. 20 9. Red 10. 88 11. Counter (unless you happen to be south of the equator) 12. Towards bottom right 13. 12 (no #1) 14. Left 15. Top 16. Clockwise as you look at it 17. Roosevelt 18. 8 19. Left 20. 5 21. 6 22. Bashful 23. 8 24. Did you notice there wasn't one ? 25. Ace of spades 26. Left 27. ONE 28. *, # 29. 3 30. Counter So how did you do? Try this on your friends they will love it. >