"The vast majority of our imports come from outside

the country."

         ....George W. Bush, Jr.



"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of  failure."

 ....George W. Bush, Jr.



"Republicans understand the importance of  bondage

between a mother and child."

   ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.



   "Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." 

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.



   "Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same

   distance from the Sun, which is very important.  We have seen

   pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there

 is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can

   breathe."

   ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 8/11/94



   "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our

nation's history.  I mean



 in this century's history. But we all lived in this 

century. I didn't live in this century."

   ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95



   "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward

more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

   ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/22/98



   "One word sums up probably the responsibility of

any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

   ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 12/6/93



   "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." 

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 11/30/96



   "I have made good judgments in the past. I have

made good judgments in the future."

   ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.



   "The future will be better tomorrow."  

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.



   "We're going to have the best educated American

people in the world."

   ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/21/97



   "People that are really very weird can get into

sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."

   ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.



   "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

   ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93



   "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part

of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

   ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.



   "Public speaking is very easy."

   ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to reporters in 10/9



   "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican" 

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.



   "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer

people going  to the polls."

   ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr



   "When I have been asked who caused the

   riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been

direct & simple:  Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame.

   Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.

 ....George W. Bush, Jr.



   "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in

terms of  not having it."

   ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/20/96



   "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or

may not occur."

   ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/22/97



   "For NASA, space is still a high priority."  

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93



   "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession

that teach our children."

   ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/18/95



   "The American people would not want to know of any

misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."

   ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.



   "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care

to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

   ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.



   "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.

 It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

   ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.



   "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

 ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.





















What Women Really Mean 



What women say... ...What they mean... 

Can't we just be friends? There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again. 

I just need some space ...without you in it 

Can you help me with my homework? If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me. 

Do I look fat in this dress? We haven't had a fight in a while 

No, pizza's fine. Cheap bastard 

I just do not want a boyfriend now. I just do not want (you as a) boy-friend now 

I don't know; what do you want to do? I can't believe that you have nothing planned 

Come here. My puppy does this too 

I like you but... I don't like you 

You never listen. You never listen 

We're moving too quickly. I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy in Bio has a girlfriend 

I'll be ready in a minute. I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will. 

Oh, no, I will pay for myself I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch 

Oh Yes! Right there Well, near there; I just want to get this over with 

I'm just going out with the girls. We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends 

There's no one else. I am doing your brother 

Size doesn't count... unless I want an orgasm 



















CONCESSION PHONECALL TRANSRIPTS



Want to hear what Al said to George?  An anonymous source has given

MediaTrip a recording of the concession phone call everyone is talking 

about.  Click below to hear history in the making: 



http://www.mediatrip.com/shows/phone_flash.html

<http://www.mediatrip.com/shows/phone_flash.html 





            OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT

            Phone Conversation #1:

            Governor George W. Bush

            Vice President Al Gore

            November 8, 2000

            2:35 AM EST



George: George W. Bush, next president of the United States, who is this?

Al: Uh, it's, uh, Al Gore here, George. I guess you know why I'm calling.

George: Well probably 'cuz you're a loser, right loser?

Al: Well now hold on just a second there, George, I think we could be civil

about this. Now, for whatever ungodly reason, the American people have

apparently chosen someone of an inferior intellect

George: Who you callin' infurios?

Al: Unbelievable. You really do butcher the language.

George: Get to the point, guy who isn't President.

Al: Well, uh, how do I say this? I'm calling to officially conce. To

conceeceeeceeeceee.

George: Come on say it, say it! Spit it out Mr. Smarty pants interlectoral.

Al: Okay, just gimme a second here, alright I mean I really wanted to win

this thing.  Damn Ralph Nader to hell!!!

George: (OFF PHONE) Daddy. Tennessee boy's gonna cry! Just like you said.

Daddy Bush: Knew he would. I told ya, he's weak. Weak! Hey Dubya, did I tell

ya the time

George: (OFF PHONE) Quiet down daddy, this is my moment to shine. (to PHONE)

Go ahead nature boy. I wanna hear ya cry uncle!

Al: Alright, I CONCEED okay! There, I said it! Are ya happy, ya half wit

Texas kook!!! (OFF PHONE) Tipper pack our bags. We're moving to the

rainforest.

George: Go ahead, we're gonna cut it down and drill for oil! How do you like

that?

Al: You bastard! This isn't over!!!! Not by a long shot.

George: Sure it is! Bye bye loser! Time for a drink everybody! Woohoo! Mas

Taquila! Jeb, pour me a shot. Bushes are back in office! Wooh.. where's the

beer? 



            OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT

            Phone Conversation #2:

            Governor George W. Bush

            Vice President Al Gore

            November 8, 2000

            approx. 3:00 AM EST



George: President George W. Bush speakin'! Whooo, that sounds good don't

it?!?

Al: Well not as good as President Albert Gore!

George: What? Is this you again loser?

Al: Uh yeah, about that whole losing thing.Um, I'm gonna have to go ahead

and retract my concession.

George: Retract? (OFF PHONE) Daddy, What's retract mean?

Al: Let me help you on that one, Dubya. What it means is that the fat lady

hasn't sung yet.

George: Fat lady? Who the hell's the fat lady? (OFF PHONE) Daddy, who's the

fat lady? Whaddya talkin' about Gore!!! (OFF PHONE) Hey, shut up back there!

Everybody quiet down!!! (GUNSHOTS)

Daddy Bush: Put the gun down, junior! Ya had one too many!!!

Al: Uh, do have a permit for that gun?

George: You can't take it back, crackerhead!!! You're an Indian giver!

Daddy, do somethin', you said I could be President. Ya promised me!

Al: Well, it sounds like you've got your hands full. I've got some ballots

to count, so I'll give ya a buzz next week from the Whitehouse okay Dubya!

George: NOOOOOO!!! (GUNSHOTS)

Daddy Bush: Jeb's down! Jeb's down! 



















The Poopie List



GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.



CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.



WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.



SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.



POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.



LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.



GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.



DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.



CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.



GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.



SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.



WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.



THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.



THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

















Nine Things that Piss Me Off - Adam Sandler:



   1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I

    know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at

    my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

    2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has

    no dick.

    3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the

    entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV

    and change the channel manually.

    4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too."

    Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?

    5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of

    course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found

    it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

    6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?"

    No ASSHOLE, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the

    friggin ceiling up there.

    7. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"..... Didn't

    really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

    8. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then

    there has never been anything before it. If it's an

    improvement, then it must not be the first one!!

     9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast

     you were going? You should know asshole you fucking pulled me over!



















Top Ten Times in History...when using the "F" word was appropriate...

  

   10)"What the *&%# was that?"  -  Mayor of Hiroshima

   

    9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?"  - Custer

   

    8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that."  - Einstein

   

    7) "It does so *&%#ing look like her!"  - Picasso

    

    6) "How the *&%# did you work that out?"  - Pythagoras

   

    5) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?"  - Michaelangelo

   

    4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain."  - Joan of Arc

   

    3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!"  - Noah

   

    2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" -  JFK

   

    1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?"  - Bill Clinton





















The Moral of the Story



  In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to

  the kids, "Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to

  them." She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for

  volunteers. Little Suzie raises her hand.



 Suzie: " I live on a farm and we

 have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more

 chickens but only 6 of them hatched" 



 Teacher: "That's a good story, now what is the moral?"



 Suzie: " Don't count your chickens before they are

 hatched"



 Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyone else?" 



 Ralphie: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my

 bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke"



 Teacher: "That's a nice story, what is the moral?"



 Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."



 Teacher: " Very good Ralphie, anyone else?" 



 Little Johnny: " Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when

 she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only

 a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she

 drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of

 them with her knife."



 Teacher: "Very interesting Johnny, what is the moral to

 your story?" Little Johnny: "Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's

 drunk"













For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California,

here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do,

study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture)

are unique in Los Angeles, you

    may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles

has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los

Angeles Metropolitan Area.



   Here it is:



   GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:



   Name:___________________   Stage name: ____________________

   Agent:___________________  Attorney:_______________________



   Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both



           *If female, indicate breast implant size:  _______

            Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely

            operate a motor vehicle in any way?           Yes___  No ___



       Please list brand of cell phone:  ________.

          *If you don't own a cell phone, please

             explain:________________________



       Please check hair color:

           Females:    [  ] Blonde [  ] Platinum  Blonde

           Teenagers:  [  ] Purple  [  ] Blue  [  ] Skinhead



      Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that

     apply)

          [  ] Eating

          [  ] Applying make-up

          [  ] Talking on the phone

          [  ] Slapping kids in the back-seat

          [  ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs

          [  ] Tanning

          [X ] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)

          [  ] Watching TV

          [  ] Reading Variety

          [  ] Surfing the net via laptop



      Please indicate how many times

           a)  you expect to shoot at other drivers  _____

           b)  how many times you expect to be shot at while driving  _____



      If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:

          a)  Call the police to report the crime

          b)  Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car

                   on the news in a high-speed chase

          c)  Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone

               company for 911 call not going through

          d)  Call your therapist

          e)  None of the above (South Central residents only)



      In the event of an earthquake, you should :

          a)  stop your car

          b)  keep driving and hope for the best

          c)  immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones

          d)  pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4



      In the instance of rain, you should:

          a)  never drive over 5 MPH

          b)  drive twice as fast as usual

          c)  you're not sure what "rain" is



      Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week:  ______.



      Are you presently taking any of the following medications?

          a) Prozac

          b) Zovirax

          c) Lithium

          d) Zanax

          e) Valium

          f) Zoloft

              *If none, please explain:  __________________.



      Length of daily commute:

          a)  1 hour

          b)  2 hours

          c)  3 hours

          d)  4 hours or more



      When stopped by police, you should:

          a)  pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready

          b)  try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway

          c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus

              ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit. 

















A few Greek books by authors you should know.



Greek House Work, By Dan Boro

Delayed Reactions, By Percy Psofise & Feto Mirise

Treating Blindness, By Stavro Mara

Greek Sweetening Techniques, By Zachary Boliki

Greek Orthodoxy, By Kyri Eleison

Greek Motivational Techniques, By Boris Natokanis

Exorcisms, By Damon Ismenos

Greek New Years, By Basil O'pita

Greek-Turkish Relations, By Su Vlisetous & Ashton Diaolo

Astrology, By Kouta Mares & Apa Teones

Weight Loss, By Elle Afrono

Greek Vows Of Silence, By Voula Seton

Greek Campfire Song Lyrics, By Ollie Girostinfotia

How To Sit Down, By Kathy Sekato

Scepticism, By Dan Pistevo

How To Handle A Mob Of Enraged Greeks, By Lisa Smenoi

Greek Families, By Sim Petheri, Kou Niades & Koo Baros

Greek Architecture,  By Archie Tectonas

Greek Street Directory, By Pamela Thosdromo & Anna Hathis

Orthodox Archbishops, By Archie Episkopi

How To Treat Hostage Situations, By Austin Eleftheri

How To Resist Interrogation, By Miles Tipota

Greek Gardening, By Lou Louthi

Greek Journalism, By Effie Meritha

How To Find Four Leaf Clovers, By Gary Falo & Kalli Tichi

Greek Cooking, By Pat Stichio & Lou Koumades

How To Seem Fierce, By Dexter Tadontiasou

Greek Reading Comprehension, By Dan Katalaveno

Greek Confectionary, By Ma Stiha

Greek Street Gangs, By Al Ites & Pal O'peda

Greek Shoemaking, By Pa Poutsis

Greek Humour, By Anne Ekdota & Polly Plaka

Greek Yoga, By Guru Nee

Greek Starvation Diets, By Nero Kepsomi

Greek Pencil making By, Moe Levy

Greek Dancing Indian Style, By Chief Teteli

Balancing Eggs On Noses, By Augustine Miti

Greek Disappearing Acts, By Anna Hathis

How To Cry At Will, By Cleo Polee

Indecisive Greek Girl, By Tina Kano

What To Do When You Have Been Fooled, By Angela Sthis

Greek Guy With Vulgar Eating Habits, By Scott Anafas

Greek Guide to Homosexuality, By Fay & Troy Boutsos

Greek Bra Maker, By Sue Tien

Greek Bus Safety, By Leo Foreo

Greek Valiant Maintenance, By Mick Hanicos

Home Electrical Tips, By Alec Trologos

Handy Hints for Insomniacs, By Kim Ismenos

Chinese for Greeks, By Ken Ezos

Map reading for dummies, By Ollie Hathicame

Reducing Stress, By Dan Meniazi

Unemployment Tips, By Tam Bellis

Dealing with Short People, By Con Doss

Easy BBQ Recipes, By Lou Kaniko

Hair Care on a Budget, By Mal Liaros

Vegetarian Cooking, By Mel Inzanes

Killing Time, By Perry Meno

Drink Less and Enjoy Life, By Al Kaholicos

Greek Rug Making, By Flo Kati

How to use "Messon" in Greek Law, By Judge Tziki

The wonders of vine leaves, By Dolly Mades

World of watches, By Roy Loyi

Greek dips, By Tara Mosalata

101 Greek Olives, By Elle Yes

How to cook Calamari rings, By Sue Pyes

Scary adult movies, By Boo Tsos

Don't buy a Valiant !, By Mitso Bishi

Dealing with Indigestion, By Klaston Heston

Greek LoveMaking, By Sue Benni and Sue Viyeni

Lifes Ups & Downs, By Annie Fora & Katie Fora

History Of Greek Films, By Kim Matografos

Sleeping with the Enemy, By Pana Gamithis

101 Poultry Recipes, By Troy Kota

Dealing with Obesity, By Lee Margos

A Guide to Workplace Safety, By Con Penstation

How to get ahead in life, By Jim Bookie

Travelling around Greece, by Con Tiki

Greek Nympho, By Connie Malakia

Waking up early, by Jim Bless





















Fancy Dress Party



A California man decides to have a party and invites lots of people,

telling them to bring their friends. 



On the invitation he put, 'Themed Party Come as a Human Emotion'. On the

night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a

guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. 



He says to this guy, 'Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?'

and the guy says, 'I'm green with envy'. 



The host replies, 'Brilliant, come on in and have a drink'. 



A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to

see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped

round her most intimate parts. 



He says to this woman 'Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?'

And she replies, 'I'm tickled pink'. 



The host says, 'I love it, come on in and join the party'. 



A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the

host opens the door to see two guys from New York, stark naked, one with

his dick stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his dick stuck in a

pear. 



The host is really shocked and says, 'Christ, guys, what the hell are you

doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the

street. What emotion is this supposed to be?' 



The first guy replies, 'Well, I'm fucking disgusted, and my friend here

has come in despair.'















HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN



  Compliment her

  respect her

  honor her

  cuddle her

  kiss her

  caress her

  love her

  stroke her

  tease her

  comfort her

  protect her

  hug her

  hold her

  spend money on her

  wine and dine her

  buy things for her

  listen to her

  care for her

  stand by her

  support her

  hold her

  go to the ends of the Earth for her.





  HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN



  Show up naked.

  Bring food.

















Darwin Awards 2000 - They have finally been released!  For those not

familiar with the Darwin Award, It's an annual honor given to the person

who provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting

killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way.  As always, competition

this year has been keen again.  Some candidates appear to have trained their

whole lives for this event!



DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES

1.  In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in

two feet of water after squeezing head first through an18-inch-wide sewer

grate to retrieve his car keys.



2.  In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who was always

"totally focused when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged

off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.



3.  Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug

into the sand caved in as he sat inside it.  Beachgoers said Daniel

Jones,21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been

sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it

collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.  People on the beach, on

the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to

Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him.  It took

rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while

about

200 people looked on.  Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.



4.  In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he

fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.

Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to

keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the

floor.



5.  According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was

stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was

trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flakvest Berrena was

wearing.



6.  Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, as

he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with

four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.



7.  In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta,

27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie

in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.



DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS

1.  In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede

with a shot from his 22-calibre rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock

near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.



2.  In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out

cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane

torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his

house.



3.  Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in

September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of

dynamite that blew up in their car.  While driving around at 2 AM, the

bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see

what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the

window was closed.



MORE ALSO RANS TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several

friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped

from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic.  The conversation

grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the

bridge at 4:30 am.  Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they

discovered that no one had brought bungee rope.  Bingham, who had

continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay

nearby.  One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the

other end was tied to the bridge.

His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off

at the ankle.  He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and

was rescued by two nearby fishermen.  "All I can say," said Bingham, "is

that God was watching out for me on that night.  There's just no other

explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.



......AND THE WINNER:



PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his

constipated elephant 'Stefan' 22 doses of animal laxative and more than 

a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up elephant finally

let fly and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the

ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him

like a dump truck full of mud.  "The sheer force of the elephant's

unexpected defecation knocked Mr.

Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay

unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top

of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.  "With

no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour

before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated.





















This goes beyond bad. . .



What was the worst date you ever had? I bet it doesn't compare to this one.



This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College.

For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester 

and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never

had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home

and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for

Saturday night. On Friday night, this guy goes out with all his buddies, 

and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape 

that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either

throwing up or using the bathroom.



After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is

still running to the toilet every 20 minutes.



He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever

talk to her again.



So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about

a 30 minute ride).



They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers

to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go

back again during the entrees.



They decide to get dessert. During dessert our hero feels another

rumbling, but doesn't want to look like he still has a bit of gas stored e decides to let this little bit

of gas fly right there at the table discreetly, of course). 

Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another

little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks(and feels).



Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately

leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. 

He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert,trying to

figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b)

start to show stains on the outside.



He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the

way, he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.



"Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last

week?" he asks. "No problem, I'd like 

to look around too," she replies They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at

the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. 

They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within

reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most

closely resembles his current outfit,

he bring both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on

the other side of the store) to make

sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the

sweater, so he says through

clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away)

"Just the pants." "What?" asks the

Gap girl. "Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl:

"Oh, OK." He pays for the pants and

walks over to his date, then they leave the store.



They board the train just before it leaves the station and find their

seats in the middle of the car. Without

sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the

back of the car. He gets to the

Bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer

shorts. He rolls them into a ball

and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the

Gap bag and pulls out ...



Just the sweater.























He's Doing "Woman's Work"



Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he

never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework.

That, he declared, was "woman's work!"



One evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a

load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on

the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers.  She was

astonished, and immediately wanted to know what was going on.



It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that

suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they

weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to

holding down a full-time job.



The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office.



"How did it work out?" they asked.



"Well, it was a great dinner,"  Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up,

helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put

everything away. I really enjoyed my evening."



"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.



"It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."

























A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this

problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are

always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in

your office. You didn't  know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." 



The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."



The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what

the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly." 

 

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's

work on your hearing."















Hi..here is a list of frees stuff..All you have to do is take some time and 

call them up..Do what I did..print this list up..



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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?



VICE PRESIDENT GORE

I fight for the chickens and I am fighting

for the chickens right now.  I will not give up on the chickens

crossing the road!  I will fight for the chickens and I will not

disappoint them.



GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH

I don't believe we need to get the

chickens across the road.  I say give the road to the chickens and

let

them decide.  The government needs to let go of strangling the

chickens so they can get across the road.



SENATOR LIEBERMAN

I believe that every

chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own

way.

Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be

denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way.



SECRETARY

CHENEY

Chickens are big-time because they have wings.  They could fly if

they

wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road.  They don't need

help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the

road myself.



RALPH NADER

Chickens are misled into believing there is a road

by the evil tire makers.  Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society

pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures

chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them.  Down

with the roads, up with chickens.



PAT BUCHANAN

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.



JERRY FALWELL

Because the chicken was gay!  Isn't it

obvious?  Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face?

The chicken was going to the "other side."  That's what "they" call

it

- the "other side."  Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay.  And, if

you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.  I say we boycott all

chickens until we sort out this  abomination that the liberal media

whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

That chicken should not be free to cross the road.  It's as plain and

simple as that.



DR.

SEUSS

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The

chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!



ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die.  In the rain.



MARTIN LUTHER

KING, JR.

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without

having their motives called into question.



GRANDPA

In my day, we

didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.  Someone told us that

the

chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for

us.



ARISTOTLE

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.



KARL MARX

It was a historical inevitability.



SADDAM

HUSSEIN

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified

in

dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.



RONALD REAGAN

What

chicken?



CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.



FOX MULDER

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.

How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?



FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the

road reveals

your underlying sexual insecurity.





BILL GATES

I have just released

eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs,

file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and

Internet Explorer is an  inextricable part of eChicken.



EINSTEIN

Did the chicken

really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?



LOUIS

FARRAKHAN

The road, you will see, represents the black man.  The chicken

crossed

the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.



THE

BIBLE

And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,

"Thou shalt cross the road."  And the chicken crossed the road, and

there was much rejoicing.





BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT

chicken.  What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken",

please?



COLONEL SANDERS

I missed

one?





















European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American Men

By Alyssa Lerner

Junior, Boston University



I just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, and let me tell you, it

truly was the most magical, amazing experience of my entire life. The

French countryside was like something out of a storybook, the Roman ruins

were magnificent, and the men, well, European men are by far the most

romantic in the world.



You American men all think you're so suave and sophisticated. Well, think

again! European men make you look like the immature, inexperienced little

children you are. They really know how to make a woman feel special over

there. Unlike the so-called men here in the States, European men know how

to treat a woman right.



For one thing, European men aren't afraid to come up and talk to you.  And

they know how to start slow, with a nice cup of Italian espresso or a long

walk on some historic street. They know the places you can't find in any

tourist guide. They know the whole history of the cities in which they

live-who the fountains are named after, who the statues are.

I remember one unforgettable night in Athens, I sat and  listened to a

Greek sailor for hours as he told me about the countless men who fought

over Helen back in ancient times. Afterward, he told me he loved his

homeland even more now that he'd seen it through my eyes.  I ask you,

would an American man ever say something as deep and beautiful as that?

European men know the most romantic little cafes and bistros and

trattorias, candlelit places where you can be alone and drink the most

fantastic wine. They tell you what's on the menu and what you should try.

(If it wasn't for a certain young man in Milan, I never would have

discovered fusilli a spinaci et scampi.) And the whole  time, they're

looking deep into your eyes, like you're the only woman on the entire

planet. What woman could resist a man like that? Then, after a moonlit

stroll along the waterfront and a kiss in the doorway of their artist's

loft, you find yourself unable to-well, I'll leave the rest to your

imagination.



I'll never forget my magical semester abroad. One thing's for sure - I'm

ruined for American men forever!



------



American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy

By Giovanni Di Salvi



I'm a 25-year-old carpenter living in Rome, and I don't mind telling you

that I get all the action I can handle. I'm not all that  handsome or

well-dressed, and I'm certainly not rich. In fact, my Italian countrywomen

could take me or leave me. But that's just fine, because Rome gets loads

of tourist traffic, and American co-eds traveling through Europe are without

a doubt the easiest lays in the world.



Being European gives me a hell of an advantage. I'm not sure why, but

there's something about the accent that opens a lot of doors. All you have

to do is go up to them, act a little shy and say, "Whould you like to go

with me, Signorina, for a cafi?" I actually have to thicken up my accent a

little, but they never, ever catch on.



After a cheap coffee, which to them always tastes better than anything

they've ever had, because they're in Europe, it's time to walk them.  Now,

all they know about Rome is what they've read in Let's Go, so you can

pretty much just make up a whole bunch of shit. It's fun to see how much

they'll swallow: As long as I refer to Italy as "my homeland" and other

Italians as "my people," they'll believe pretty much anything. I don't

know who most of the local statues are, so I tell the muffins they're all great

artists and poets and lovers. Once, just for the hell of it, I told a

psychology major from the University of Maryland that a public staircase

was part of the Spanish Steps, which she'd never even heard of. Another

time, I told this blonde from Michigan State that the public library was

the Parthenon, and she cooed like I'd just given her a diamond.



For dinner, I usually take them to some cheap little hole in the wall,

someplace deserted where not even the cops eat. American girls think

candlelight means "romance," not "deteriorating public utilities," so they

just poke their nipples through their J. Crew sweaters and never notice

that there's no electricity. Just as well, because Roman restaurants

aren't exactly the cleanest. After a bunch of fast-talk about the menu, I get

them the special, which is usually some anonymous pasta with spinach and

day-old shrimp, and whatever cheap, generic, Pope's-blood chianti's at the bottom

of the list.  By this time, they're usually standing in a slippery little

puddle.  Going in for the kill, I walk them past one of Rome's famous

2,000-year-old open cesspools. Then, as we open the door to my shitty

efficiency, I kiss them on the eyelids so they don't see the roaches,

making sure the first thing they see is the strategically positioned

artist's easel I bought at some church sale. That's usually all they need

to see and, like clockwork, they fall backwards on my bed with their

Birkenstocks in the air.



I mean, they're hardly Italian women, but we have a saying here in Europe:

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?





















On the morning show at a radio station in Chicago they play a

game for prizes usually vacations and such, called "Mate

Match." The DJ's ring someone at work and ask if they are

married or in a serious relationship.



If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions

that vary from couple to couple and asked for their

significant other's name and work phone number. If the

significant other answers correctly then they are winners.



This particular day it got interesting:



DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?



Contestant:(laughing) Yes I do.



DJ: What is your name? First only please.



Contestant: Brian



DJ: Are you married or what Brian?



Brian: Yes.



DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean you're married or what? Brian?



Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.



DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First

name only please Brian.



Brian: Sara.



DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?



Brian: She is gonna kill me.



DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?



Brian:(laughing) Yes she is.



DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you

had sex?



Brian: She is gonna kill me.



DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.



Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.



DJ: Atta boy.



Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well.



DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?



Brian: About 10 minutes.



DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have

said that if there weren't a trip at stake.



Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.



DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8

this morning?



Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm...



DJ: This sounds good Brian, where was it?



Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is

staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a

shower at the time.



DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!



Brian: On the kitchen table.



DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last

hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put

Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You

listen to this.



(Advertisements)



DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we?



Clerk: Kinko's.



DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?



Clerk: This is she.



DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with

Brian for a couple of hours now...



Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?



DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us.

Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose.

Soooooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?



Sara: No



DJ: Good.



Brian: (laughing)



Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?



Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly OK?



Sara: Oh, Brian...



DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3 questions and

if you answer what Brian has said then the 2 of you are off to

Orlando Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to

Disney World, Sea World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic

play. Get it Sara? SARA! GET IT Orlando Magic, they are on

strike Sara! Helloooooo, anyone home?!?!



Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes.



Brian: (laughing)



DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?



Sara: Oh God, Brian... this morning before Brian went to work.





DJ: What time?



Sara: About 8 I think. (Sound effect) DING! DING! DING!



DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?



Sara: 12,15 minutes maybe.



DJ: Hhmmmmm...



Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she

is trying not to harm his manhood.



DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did

you do it?



Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!



Brian: Just tell him honey.



DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?



Sara: Well, It's just that my mom is vacationing with us

and...



DJ: SHE SAW?!?!



Sara: BRIAN?!?!



Brian: NO, no I didn't...



DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your

answer?



Sara: Dear Lord, I cannot believe you told them this.



Brian: Come on honey, it's for a trip to Florida.



DJ: Let's go Sara, we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?



Sara: In the ass.



                  (Long pause)



DJ: We will be right back.



(Advertisements)



DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live

radio and these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are

off to lovely Orlando, Florida.

























1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the

truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.



2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two

days.



3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl...Let

"The

'real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.



4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous China.



5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a

crumpled-up piece of aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.



6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola

over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.



7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the

rusted bolt for several minutes.



8. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into he baking pan; wrap

the

ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished,

remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for sumptuous

brown gravy.



9. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy

clothes, add detergent and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will

help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze

from your windshield.



FYI:



1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It's pH is 2.8.

It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.



2. To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck

must use the Hazardous material placards reserved for Highly Corrosive

materials.



3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of

their

trucks for years!



NOTE:

Pepsi is even worse.























Who is the Boss?

----------------------------------

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that

he wasn't getting any respect.  Later that morning he went and got  a

sign that read:  "I'm the Boss!"



He then taped it to his office door.



Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone

had taped a note to the sign that said:



"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"























as the Presidential debates draw to a close...



 Jim Lehrer:



 Welcome to the third presidential debate between Vice

 President Al Gore and Governor George W. Bush.  The

 candidates have agreed on these rules:



 I will ask a question.  The candidate will ignore the

 question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to

 appeal to undecided women voters.  The opponent will

 then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten

 senior citizens into voting for him.  When a speaker's

 time has expired, I will whimper softly while he

 continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for

 three more minutes.



 Let's start with the vice president.  Mr. Gore, can you give us the name

of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that

 strains the bounds of common sense?



 Gore:

 As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly

 made love the way we have so often during the 30 years

 of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a

 clear choice in this election.  My opponent wants to

 cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans.  I,

 on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent

 in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old people

 like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight.  Mrs. Frampinhamper has

 been selling her internal organs,

 one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to

 these debates and personify problems for me.  Also,

 her poodle has arthritis.



 Lehrer:

 Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.



 Bush:

 Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging

 people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo

opportunity

 exists.  I want to empower

 those crying people to make their own decisions,

 unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.



 Lehrer:

 Let's turn to foreign affairs.  Gov. Bush, if Slobodan

 Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in

 Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?



 Bush:

 The current administration had eight years to deal

 with that guy and didn't get it done.  If I'm elected,

 the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick

 Cheney confer with our allies.  And then Dick would

 present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would

 tell me which one to choose.  You

 know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough

 foreign policy decisions every day about how we're

 going to deal with New Mexico.



 Lehrer:

 Mr.  Gore, your rebuttal.



 Gore:

 Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly

 interested in.  I served my country in Vietnam.  I had

 an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War

 I.  I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was

 over, I came home and tenderly

 made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find

 romantic.  If I'm entrusted with the

 office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably

 with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in

 an ironclad lockbox.  Because the American people

 deserve a  president who can comfort them with simple

 metaphors.



 Lehrer:

 Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social

 Security system?



 Gore:

 It's a vital issue, Jim.  That's why Joe Lieberman and

 I have proposed hanging the laws of mathematics to

 allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen

 without having it cost the federal treasury a single

 penny until the year 2250.



 In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the

 next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens

 can have drugs delivered free to their homes every day

 by a federal employee who will also help them with the

 child-proof cap.



 Lehrer:

 Gov. Bush?



 Bush:

 That's fuzzy math.  I know, because as governor of

 Texas, I have to do math every day.  I have to add up

 the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill

 potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds

 to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state

 fairgrounds.



 Lehrer:

 It's time for closing statements.



 Gore:

 I'm my own man.  I may not be the most exciting

 politician, but I will fight for the working families

 of America, in addition to turning the White House

 into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.



 Bush:

 It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by

 electing no one but Republicans.



 Lehrer:

 Good night.

























Just try these on for size:

 

College Freshmen

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly

change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts

together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's

incoming freshmen.

Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did

not know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

There has been only one Pope.

They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.

They have never feared a nuclear war.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Tianamen Square means nothing to them

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

They have never owned a record player.

They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.

They may have never heard of an 8-track. The Compact Disc was introduced

when they were 1 year old.

As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen

a black-and-white TV.

They have always had cable.

There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They have never seen Larry Bird play.

They never took a swim and thought about "Jaws."

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II, and the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or

"de plane, de plane."

They do not care who shot J. R.  and have no idea who J. R. is.

The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

There has always been MTV.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies.





























A blonde walks into a bank in New York city and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to

borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of

security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls

Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.



Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as

collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good

laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a

$5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls

into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.



Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the

$5,000 and the interest,which comes to $15.41. The loan officer

says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this

transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a

multimillionaire.



What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"



The blonde replied, ........................



"Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?"



























I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was Always.

                   ____________



I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.  I don't like to interrupt her.

                   ____________



Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

                   ____________



The last fight was my fault.  My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"  I said, "Dust!"

                   ____________



In the beginning, God created earth and rested.

Then God created man and rested.  Then God created woman. Since then,

neither God nor man has rested.

                   ____________



Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

                   ____________



A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive

and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."  She looked at him and

said, "I wish I had your will power."

                   ___________



Do you know the punishment for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law.

                   ____________



Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a

man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

                   ____________



A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted".  Next day he

received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

                   ____________



The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

                   ____________



First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

                 ____________



How do most men define marriage?

An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

                   ____________



Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life

thinking they had no faults at all.

                   ____________



If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every

word you say, talk in your sleep.

                   ____________



Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was

until I got married; and then it was too late."

                   ____________



A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get

married?"  And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."



























THE MATH OF LIFE



Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Dumb man + smart woman = affair

Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there is no use in two people

	remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she  does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after

	that is the beginning of a new argument.





















This couple had only been married for two weeks.



The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town

and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll  be right back..."



"Where are you going coochy cooh...?" asked the wife.



"I'm going to the bar, pretty face.  I'm going to have a beer."



The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?"



Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different

kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India,  etc.



The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think  of

saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie...but the bar....you know...the frozen glass..."



He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the

wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?"



She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting  chills holding it.



The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar

they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long.

I'll be right back.  I promise.  OK?"



"You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh?"



She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:

chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.



"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words  and  all that..."



"You want dirty words cutie pie?...



HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR

FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT ASSHOLE?!!"

























Subject: English is a silly language....

 

There is no egg in eggplants, nor ham in hamburgers

neither apple nor pine in pineapple

And while no one knows what is in a hotdog

you can be pretty sure it isn't canine



English muffins were not invented in England

nor French fries in France

Sweet meats are candies, while sweetbreads,

which aren't sweet, are meat.



We take English for granted

But if we explore its paradoxes

we find that quicksand can work slowly

boxing rings are square

and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig



And why is it writers write,

but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce

and hammers don't ham



If the plural of tooth is teeth

why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?

One goose, 2 geese, So one moose, 2 meese?

Is cheese the plural of choose?

One mouse, 2 mice

One Louse, 2 lice

One house, 2 hice ?



If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables

What do humanitarians eat?

Why do people recite a play, and play a recital?

Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

Park on driveways and drive on parkways?



How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,

while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can the weather be hot as hell on one day

and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down

You will inform by filling it out

and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

You get in and out of a car

yet you get on and off a bus

When stars are out it is visible

but, when the lights are out, it is invisible.



And why, when I wind up my watch I start it

but when I when I wind up this essay, I end it?



English is a silly language.....

It does not know if it is coming or going.

























A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs

the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! 

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with

love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad

takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and

orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons

looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the

boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop!

A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons

chant -Take another drink-! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop!

Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs

his son to drink again. 

The patrons chant -Take another drink-!  The bartender ignores the

whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands

he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the  last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. 

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to  the left.... then to

the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck

runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father

moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says...









...That boy should have quit while he was a head.- 

























 A man walking along a California beach was deep

in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,

"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one

wish" 



The man said, "Build  a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I

want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the

logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the

bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it,

but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a

little more time and think  of another wish, a wish you think would honor and

glorify me." 



The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord,

I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel

inside, what they are  thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they

cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman

truly happy" After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"























A Columbine student wrote this, very compelling:



"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller

buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower

viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but

enjoy it less.



We have bigger houses, but smaller families; more

conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less

sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but

more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.



We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our

values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.



We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've

added years to life, but not life to years.



We've been all the way to the moon and back, but

have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.



We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've cleaned

up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the

atom, but not our prejudice.



We have higher incomes. But lower morals; we've become long

on quantity, but short on quality.



These are the times of tall men and short character; steep

profits and shallow relationships.



These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare;

more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.



These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce; of

fancier houses, but broken homes.



It is a time when there is much in the show window and

nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology can bring this

letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to make a difference.



Or just hit delete."

























Guess the words:







    1.        man

         -----------

             board























     Ans. = man overboard











  2.        stand

         ------------

            i

















     Ans. = I understand







   OK?....get the hang of it? Let's try a few now & see how you fare?











  3.  /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/





























     Ans. = reading between the lines















    4.        r

             road

              a

              d























    Ans. = cross road













    5.     cycle

           cycle

           cycle

























     Ans. = tricycle

     6.        t

               o

               w

               n























     Ans. = downtown















     7.    le  /

              / vel

             /

















     Ans. = split level















    8 .          0

            ------------

                M.D.

                Ph.D.



























   Ans. = two degrees below zero











    9.           knee

              ------------

                 light























    Ans. = neon light (knee-on-light)

















   10.        ii   ii

             -----------

               O  O

























     Ans. = circles under the eyes





















  11.      cover

         ---------

           cop































    Ans. = undercover cop























    12.       dice

            dice

































     Ans. = paradise























     13.      t

              o

              u

              c

              h

































     Ans. = touchdown































   14.         ground

           ---------------

               feet

               feet

               feet

               feet

               feet

               feet



























     Ans. = six feet underground

























    15.      he's / himself



































   Ans. = he's by himself



























16.      ecnalg





































    Ans. = backward glance





























17.    death / life

































   Ans. = life after death





























18.      THINK



































   Ans.  think big !!



























  19.     going

         ---------

          ccc































  Ans.  Going overseas

























And the last one is.............. see if you can guess this !!!





















   20.  ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb....



































  Ans.  long time, no c (see)