TAKE CARE OF YOUR MAN A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied. One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying, they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then the young man shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied "From the smell of his fingers,... our son in-law!" A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, " Daddy, what's Sex? ". " OK " He thinks this day was bound to come, and I am not going to let my little princess learn about Sex from the streets. So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wetdreams. Then she asks: Daddy what is " A Couple "?. And he carries on: a couple are the two people involved in the sex, but this can be two males also, where they penetrate from the ass, or two females which we call lesbians, where they use the tongue on the vagina..., and goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, sex toys etc... The father finally asks: "So why did you want to know about " a couple " and " Sex" ? " Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs... " An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife "Notice anything different, Bessie?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Sam says excitedly "Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks again, "Nope." Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?" Bessie looks up and says "Sam, what's different? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why it is hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because its looking at my new boots!!!" Bessie replies "Should'a bought a hat, Sam. "Fascinate" A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'" Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'" Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons." The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence." Little Johnny continued, "But her tits are so big, she can only fasten-eight." Skilled Labor -------------- Sven and Ole worked together, were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Ole goes in and sits down with the lady. She asked Ole his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Ole $600 a week. When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay. The clerk explained: when I looked it up, panty stitchers were unskilled laborors and diesel fitters were skilled laborors. "What skill?" yelled Sven. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter". A Frenchman, a Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce Indian tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's terrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???" The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!" Success is: At age 4, success is......................not peeing your pants. At age 12, success is.....................having friends. At age 20, success is.....................having sex. At age 35, success is.....................making money. At age 60, success is.....................having sex. At age 70, success is.....................having friends. At age 80, success is.....................not peeing your pants Q: How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike? A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end You lose your house. Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT: If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter? If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times does he become disoriented? Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? What do chickens think we taste like? What do people in China call their good plates? What do you call a male ladybug? What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there Interstates in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited? Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work? If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door? Why is a bra singular and panties plural? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight? If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil? If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose? If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM? Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? If Noah had lived in the United States in the 1990's or even 2000), the story may have gone something like this: And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. "Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls. The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. "When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending. Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe. Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe. "Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard. The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'. "And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years." Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arced across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has." The real reason for the weak EURO Wim Duisenberg meets Alan Greenspan in Washington. They have lengthy discussions about the weakness of the Euro. Finally Duisenberg says . You know, what is bothering me most, is that some people start blaming me for the problems the Euro has, but that is impossible, I am one of the smartest men in Europe, but I am not so sure about the other people at the ECB. Greenspan says . Well I am very sure I have only outstanding people in my team, cause I do test them all! Duisenberg asks &What does your test look like? Greenspan calls McDonough in his office and asks him the following question .Who is it, it is the child of your parents but it is neither one of your sisters nor one of your brothers ? McDonough says, well that is easy Alan, that s me. Duisenberg is very impressed about this test and when arriving back in Frankfurt decides to test Trichet immediately. He calls him into his office and asks him the same question &Jean-Claude you are supposed to be my successor, but I have to test you first, who is it, it is a child of your parents, but it is neither one of your sisters, nor one of your brothers?Trichet is thinking for a while and then says Wim, I cant answer that question at the very moment, but I will think about it and I will tell you tomorrow. Trichet thinks about it for hours, but cant find the answer. So late in the evening he decides to call his old friend Hans Tietmeyer to help him out. Tietmeyer immediately replies well Jean-Claude that s so easy, the child of my parents, that is neither one of my sisters nor one of my brothers, that s me. The next morning Trichet walks proudly into Duisenbergs office. Duisenberg says &Well Jean-Claude did you find out now ? Trichet says & Sure I know, it is Hans Tietmeyer! Duisenberg gets angry and answers &You idiot, of course it is not Tietmeyer, it is Mc Donough ! Top Ten Reasons to Dread "Smart" Appliances With plans in full swing for the appliances of tomorrow--from networked water heaters to refrigerators that order groceries--we consumers must prepare for the inevitability of these sci-fi devices in our everyday lives. But smart appliances may do more than save time. Our top ten reasons to dread them: 1 Over the Limit The bathroom scale keeps telling the fridge to stop ordering food. 2 Tattle Snooze Your smart pillow talks to your PC, which emails your boss with a message that, yep, you've overslept again. 3 Brand Name Not only does your stovetop grill know when steak is cooked to your exact specifications, but it sears a nice flying Windows logo onto each side. 4 Buying on Spec Sunglasses combine UV protection with real-time stock quotes, but laugh maniacally when you approach margin calls. 5 Car Talk Your dashboard computer insists on making blonde jokes about your driving. 6 Rotten Sense of Humor The perky "kitchen assistant," an animated onscreen spatula, keeps calling your mobile phone and asking, "Is your refrigerator running?" 7 Lack of Privacy Your mailbox keeps asking why you get so many plain brown packages. 8 No Dim Bulbs Your lamps are so full of bright ideas you have to pay for their MENSA memberships. 9 High Maintenance Your appliances secretly open a joint bank account for repairman kickbacks. 10 Anticompetitive Practices Your Microsoft coffeemaker monopolizes the countertop. One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God. "Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun. "There must be something you would have of me," said God. "Well, there is one thing," she said. "Just name it," said God. "It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop." "Consider it done," said God. "Blond jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you." "There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun. "Name it. Please," said God. "It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel." The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake." "The Rules for Driving in New York City" 1) When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass. 2) Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car. 3) The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. 4) Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. 5) Always look both ways when running a red light. 6) Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in. 7) Making eye contact revokes your right of way. 8) Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up, honk or yell obscenities loudly and chase him back upon the curb. Pedestrians have no rights. What if men and women could change their sex for a day? What would they do? Well, here are some options.... Top Ten Things Men Would Do If They Woke Up And Had A Vagina For A Day: 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do the splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. (Yeah!) 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too... And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina... 1. Finally find that damned G-spot. Top Ten Things Women Would Do If They Woke Up And Had A Penis For A Day: 10. Get ahead faster in corporate America. 9. Get oral sex. 8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat. 7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal. 6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently. 5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm. 4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem. 3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks. 2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement. ... And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis... 1. Repeat number 9. Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day, only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed, sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doin' dad?" His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed." To which Little Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, fuck him?" JOE?S HEADACHE Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. . ." "The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see. .size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see. . .34 sleeve And . . . 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see. . .9 and a half.. . wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure . . " The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . . " The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see. .. size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in. All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her. Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's Wedding Cake. Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-law. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. YOU KNOW YOU'RE GREEK IF... you have ever had loukoumades can distinguish between kefalotiri and kefalograviera you can spell kefalograviera are an adult and are forced to be with your family at 12 midnight on new years eve upon meeting another Greek, one of your first questions is, "What church do you go to?" your grandmother/mother/aunt has a miracle cure for everything your mother or father still feels the need to tell you, "katse kala" in public you have ever been hit with a pandofla can dance kalamatiano, tsiamiko, zebetiko without music go to church picnics pretending you're there for reasons other than to check up/gossip about other Greeks you or a family member has been photographed with a donkey you must name your children after your in-laws you have at least 5 Maria's and 9 Dimitri's in your family as a result of the above you have ever heard the phrase, "Sto leo yia to kalo sou" you have one or more porcelain figurines in your house you have ever broken one of those porcelain figurines and your mother still hasn't forgiven you your parents have ever made up the name of a street/store/tv show because they couldn't remember it or they couldn't pronounce it you still get scared when you hear the name "Baboola" upon meeting another Greek you try to find out what village they're from have ever been threatened by a Greek School teacher Still get threatened by a Greek School teacher even though you're 30 years old have ever been spanked by your friend's parents because your parents gave them permission to have ever been spanked by the whole neighborhood because your parents gave them permission to you know someone who always feels the need to point out how much something they bought costs you have a bottle of OUZO in your house right now know what a komboloi is when you were younger and going on car trips, you always had to sit on someone's lap in the front or back seat you have ever been threatened to be eaten by the mavro/baboola/yero/pontiki when you were little someone in your family owns any type of restaurant your family inheritance includes olive trees your entire house is a needlepoint warehouse ----------------------------------------- Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!! --Anonymous ----------------------------------------- An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. --Agatha Christie ------------------------------------- Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. --Oscar Wilde ------------------------------------------- Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. --Scottish Proverb ---------------------------------------- I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. --Sam Kinison ----------------------------------------- A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. --Anonymous -------------------------------------------- Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. --H. L. Mencken --------------------------------------------- Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. --H. L. Mencken ---------------------------------------- "A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle." -- U2 ---------------------------------------- Marriage is a three ring circus: --engagement ring --wedding ring --suffering ------------------------------- When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why. ------------------------------------- Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener. -------------------------------------- When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one: either the car is new or the wife. ---------------------------------- I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. ------------------------------------ I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" ------------------------------------------ We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. (I love that one!!!) --------------------------------- My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours That was only for the estimate. -------------------------------- She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. ------------------------------------------ She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!" ------------------------------------------- Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent. --------------------------------------- BaddTeddy recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get married. He says "the wedding rings look too much like minature handcuffs....." ---------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after you let him in! ------------------------------------- A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband." -------------------------------------------------- A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"