Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. "You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either." A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally they ask him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows." "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something white at its rear end." "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball ....stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake. "What did you do?", asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife. "Hey, this looks like yours!" A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer. A lawyer marriedaa a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him! ..But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the lawyer, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" useless trivia: -------------------- Debra Winger was the voice of E.T. Pearls melt in vinegar. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/two communications) The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple. "I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.) Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired." Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white. If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom. Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene. Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th." James Doohan, who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott on Star Trek, is missing the entire middle finger of his right hand. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Good: Your husband and you agree no more kids. Bad: You can't find the birth control pills. Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them. Good: Your son studies in his room a lot. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden in there. Ugly: You're in them. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you. Good: Your son's finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you. Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer. Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Her best clients are your co-workers. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: It's your best friend. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. A group of particle researchers at the University of Minnesota have discovered the heaviest particle known to science, known as "Administratum". The new element has no protons or electrons, it does however have a neutron, 125 Assistant Neutrons, 75 Vice Neutrons, for a whoppiung atomic mass of 312. These particles are held together by a force calles "morons" which are surrounded by vast quantities of particles called "peons". Administratum is inert, however it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact. Administratum has a normal half-life of about three years. It does not decay but undergoes a reorganization in which some of the assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places, and some of the morons inevitably become neutrons. Some think Administratum is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass". You will know this element when you see it. (Editor's comment: "I wonder why it took so long to discover it!" ) The Hunter? Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex." Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said: "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?" RICH OR POOR???? One day a father and his rich family took his young son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing him how poor people can be. They spent a day and a night at the farm of a very poor family. When they got back from their trip the father asked his son, "How was the trip?" "Very good, dad." "Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked. "Yeah", replied the son. "And what did you learn?", the father asked. The son answered, " I saw that we have a dog at home and they have four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden, they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lamps in the garden, they have the stars. Our patio reaches to the front yard, they have the whole horizon." When the little boy was finished, his father was speechless. His son added, "Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are." What Really Happened In The Garden Of Eden: The Untold Story: One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man,' Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly. "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" "Yeah, well...you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first... So, just remember...it's our secret...woman-to-woman. Gender of computers A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like "chalk" or "pencil" have a gender association, although in English these words are neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?". The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and divided the class into two groups; one group all male, the other all female. They were to decide which gender should be applied to "computer" and give four reasons for their decision. The results: The group of women concluded computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model... The group of men decided computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:. 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory banks for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The 5 questions most feared by men are: 1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat? 4. Do you think she's prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you" Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me? Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not" Among the incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not". Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality. b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner. c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age. d. Define pretty. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines: WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them, she's left-handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: shit. Vacation Time !!! Joan, a rather well proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She had hardly begun, when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, Miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Indeed," said the man, "but, we would prefer you didn't lie on the dining room skylight." EQUAL OPPORTUNITY BASHING: Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lb. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A: Sexual harassment. Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A: $3.99 a minute. Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead? A: The sex is the same but you get the remote. Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A: Because those men already have boyfriends. Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Q. What do you call a smart blonde? A. A golden retriever. Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A. A mechanic. Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? A. She is the one who can eat the last donut. Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A. A battery has a positive side. Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock. Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths? A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting. Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? A. Two mothers-in-law. A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee when he noticed a really unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He respectfully approached the solitary man walking the dog and said " I am sorry for you loss and I know this is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?" The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife,". "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her. "He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. "Could I borrow that dog?" The solitary man points to the back and said, "Get in line." Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked 1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" 2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. 3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources. 4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." 5. Stops those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse. 6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume. 7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them. 8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. 9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. 10. No one ever steals your chair. Ten-dollar Jar A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the bartender and asks him, "What's up with the jar?" The bartender tells him, "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money." "What are the three tests?" "Pay first. Those are the rules." So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills. Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do.... First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her." The man responds, "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I can't do all that... it's impossible! "Well, you asked, and I told you... those are the rules, and your money stays in the jar." Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually total silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped to shreds and big scratches all over his body. "Now," he says, "where in the hell is that woman with the sore tooth?" Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left." God then addresses Bill Clinton: "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right." God then addresses Bill Gates: "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?" Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair." Bloopers from notices posted in Churches... 1. The Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. 3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. 4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. 5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." 6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. 7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams. 11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. 16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child. 17. The Lutheran Men's gro up will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. 18. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan l ast Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." 19. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High." 20. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help. 21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 23. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 24. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. A few years ago I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all others system activities. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications such as Frequent Golf Outings 10.3, Boys Night Out 2.5, and Skiing Weekend 5.0. They no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but the uninstall is grayed out. Can you help me, please?!?! Thanks, A TROUBLED USER TO: A TROUBLED USER This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by it's creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "WARNINGS - Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program c:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command c:\APOLOGIZE. In any case, avoid excessive use of c:\YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the c:\APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Good luck, Weightwatchers be aware!! Sex is the most practical and funniest way of losing weight. Look how many calories you can burn: * TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES With her agreement..............................12 cal Without her agreement..........................187 cal * TAKING OFF THE BRA With both hands..................................8 cal With one hand....................................12 cal With one hand being slapped...............37 cal With the mouth...................................85 cal * PUTTING ON THE CONDOM With erection....................................6 cal Without erection............................315 cal * PRELIMINARIES Trying to find the clitoris.......................8 cal Trying to find G spot...........................92 cal Without caring at all.............................0 cal * WHEN DOING IT Holding her up..................................12 cal Just on the floor.................................8 cal * POSITIONS daddy-mummy...............................12 cal 69 laying.........................................8 cal 69 standing up..............................112 cal Trolley..........................................216 cal Italian chandelier...........................912 cal * HAVING AN ORGASM Real...........................................112 cal Fake..........................................315 cal * POST ORGASM Staying in bed...........................................18 cal Jumping off the bed....................................36 cal Explaining why she jumped off the bed.........816 cal * GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION Between 16 and 19 years of age.......12 cal from 20 to 29...................................36 cal from 30 to 39..................................108 cal from 40 to 49..................................324 cal from 50 to 59..................................972 cal over 60.........................................2916 cal * PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES Quietly........................................................32 cal Being in a hurry............................................98 cal With her husband opening the door.............1218 cal I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think. I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do. I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. Meeting Etiquette In case you are bored..... Bored during meetings? Why not try some of these neat little exercises. Not only will it make meetings more interesting but your fellow work mates will become suddenly more alert and maintain a respectful distance: During a meeting: Discreetly clasp hold of someone's hand and whisper: 'can you feel it?' from the corner of your mouth Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute half a biscuit to each of the attendees. Wear a hands free phone headset throughout. once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: 'I don't care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!' Write the words 'he fancies you' on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen Respond to a serious question with: 'I don't know what to say, obviously I'm flattered, but it's all happened so fast' Use Nam style jargon such as 'what's the ETA?', 'who's on recon?' & 'Charlie don't surf' Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs then avoid sitting on it when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out. Announce that you 'love this dirty town' Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for 1 minute Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat Reflect sunlight into everyones eyes off your watch face Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice while moving your hand like a chattering mouth Hum 'We'll meet again' throughout Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes Drop meaningless & confusing management speak into conversations such as: 'what's the margin, marvin?' 'When's this turkey going to get basted?' 'If we don't get this brook babbling we're all going to end up looking like doe-eyed labradors' Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids Announce that you've run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand out pieces of paper that read: My secret agenda 1. Trample the weak 2. Triumph alone 3. Invade Poland. Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch When referring to someone in the room always call them your 'honey' Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject shout 'I AM NOT FINISHED ' Three Corporate Lessons... Lesson Number One A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson Number Two A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson Number Three A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! The morals of this story are: 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut. The list keeps getting longer and longer. 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means the borough of Manhattan. 2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building, but love Coney Island. 3. Hookers and the homeless are invisible. 4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 5. You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price to be charged without a gun held to your head. 6. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple." 7. Your door has more than three locks. 8. Your favorite movie has DeNiro and Pacino in it. 9. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn. 10. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression. 11. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard. 12. You complain about having to mow it. 13. You consider Westchester "Upstate." 14. You think Central Park is "nature." 15. You're paying $1,500 a month for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal." 16. You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times. 17. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent. 18. You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid. 19. You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed. 20. Your closet is filled with black clothes. 21. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents. 22. You actually take fashion seriously. 23. Being truly alone makes you nervous. 24. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone. 25. Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip." 26. You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form. 27. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you. 28. You haven't cooked a meal since helping Mom last Thanksgiving with the turkey. 29. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise. 30. $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag. 31. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories. 32. You don't hear sirens anymore. 33. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air quality and what it's doing to your lungs. 34. You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns. 35. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watchseller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian. 36. You wouldn't want to live anywhere else-until you get married. GETTING DRUNK Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself. He says: "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me." His friend says: "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc. Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says: "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me - he'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty bucks for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket." She looks in his breast pocket and says: "But this is forty bucks." "Oh, yeah," says the man, "he shit in my pants, too." VERY BAD HUMOR Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your Mom. ========================================================== How do you know when you're REALLY ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. ========================================================== What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? Say, "Nice dick." ========================================================== How do you know you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends." ========================================================== Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? Because they have cotton balls. ========================================================= Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday ========================================================== Why is being in the military like a blowjob? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. ========================================================== What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? Miracle Whip. ========================================================== What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts? Her navel. ========================================================== What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine. ========================================================== What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? The porcupine has pricks on the outside. ========================================================== Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people have a chance to have sex too. ========================================================= What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? " Are you sure it's mine?" ========================================================= What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck. ======================================================== What three two-letter words denote "small"? "Is it in?" ======================================================== Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. ====================================================== If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings, most likely. ====================================================== Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA. ============================================================= A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." ========================================================== And Something To Offend Damn-Near Everyone. . . How can you tell the Irish guy is in the hospital? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan ======================= Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. ======================== What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. ======================= What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring. ======================= Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. ======================= Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future, either. ======================= What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp. ====================== Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. ====================== What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe ====================== How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! ======================= What's the Cuban national anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" ======================= What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit Knowledge From Movies -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies ; During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. All beds have special L-shaped sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk them down. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before then. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language, a German accent will do. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. Breeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: ENTER PASSWORD NOW Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Yankee Stadium. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. The green wire disarms them. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you're visiting. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the dance steps. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any alien civilization. Passwords are guessed in three attempts. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage and nobody involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment and it is not necessary to listen to the complete news bulletin. Here's something for you to do and DON'T CHEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Read this sentence: FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE- SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF- IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS. Now count the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE: do not go back and count them again. See below... Answer below: There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"'s. The human brain tends to see them as V's and not F's. Pretty weird, uh? It fools almost everybody.