"Squawks" are problems noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P) = Problem (S) = Solution (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire. (P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough. (S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft. (P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. (S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage. (P) Something loose in cockpit. (S) Something tightened in cockpit. (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed. (P) DME volume unbelievably loud. (S) Volume set to more believable level. (P) Dead bugs on windshield. (S) Live bugs on order. (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. (S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground. (P) IFF inoperative. (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. (S) That's what they're there for. (P) Number three engine missing. (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search. (P) Aircraft handles funny. (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious. (P) Target Radar hums. (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words The Perfect Worker 1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible. Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines. THE BEST CONGRESS MONEY CAN BUY... Based on records prior to the summer break, 29 members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse, 7 have been arrested for fraud, 9 have been accused of writing bad checks, 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses, 3 have been arrested for assault, 71 have credit reports so bad they can't qualify for a credit card, 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges, 8 have been arrested for shoplifting, 21 are current defendants in lawsuits, and in 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving, but released after they claimed Congressional immunity. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason! (Publisher's Note: They're both full of shit). Early times Translated from Latin scroll dated 2BC Dear Cassius: Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose. The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take 0ut loans. Its an ill wind.... As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops. If you have any ideas please let me know, --Plutonius HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE Suggestions: 1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) 3) Insist that your e mail address be : xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com 4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. 6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'. 7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. 8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.' 10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." 11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy". 12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way. 13) dontuseanypunctuationorspaces 14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 15) Ask people what sex they are. 16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". 17) Sing Along at the opera. 18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) 20) Send e mail to the rest of the company to tell them where you're going. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom. 21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. 22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 23) Hum when you ride an elevator. AnD tHe FiNal wAy tO aNnOy PeOple: Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you! Be smarter in 2000.... The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it. A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death. A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear. Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand. Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump." Marilyn Monroe had six toes. If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do. The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language. The continents names all end with the same letter with which they start. TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left. A snail can sleep for 3 years. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1000 and a size 108.7 acres. Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. No president of the United States was an only child. 30 cruel things to say to a naked man......... 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahhhh, it's cute. 3. Why don't we just cuddle? 4. You know they have surgery to fix that. 5. Make it dance. 6. Can I paint a smiley face on it? 7. Wow, and your feet are so big. 8. It's OK, we'll work around it. 9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 10. Oh no... a flash headache. 11. (giggle and point) 12. Can I be honest with you? 13. How sweet, you brought incense. 14. This explains your car. 15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 16. Why is God punishing me? 17. At least this won't take long. 18. I never saw one like that before. 19. But it still works, right? 20. It looks so unused. 21. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 23. Are you cold? 24. If you get me real drunk first. 25. Is that an optical illusion? 26. What is that? 27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 28. Does it come with an air pump? 29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 30. I guess this makes me the early bird. A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models." The old woman then asks: Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?" The clerk responds, "Yes we do". "Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?" Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !" "Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender. "See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home, and we stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails! "Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender. "Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak'. And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?" "Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood." "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really got to me." Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? "My goddamned forehead!" "Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !" The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off ? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!! The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. -Jeff Foxworthy I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it. -Bill Cosby There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." -Jerry Seinfield Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. -Lewis Grizzard You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" -Dave Barry Women complain about pre menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -Jay Leno Ah, yes, "divorce;" from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -Robin Williams Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -Billy Crystal According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. -Jay Leno In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? -Jay Leno We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler When the sun comes up, I have morals again. -Elayne Boosler If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. -Robin Williams A Riddle - Answer at the end: At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting oral sex from a 98 year old woman. They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking? The answer is below, but think about it. ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? Answer: Don't look down KN Another blonde joke A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?" "My car broke down," says the lady, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop. And she said... (This is good...) (Ready?) (Remember, she's a blonde...) "Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied. The Stud ~~~~~~~~ A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "Ok, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says "You can't handle all these chickens...look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike." The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start." The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you." They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" And the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to KFC heaven. He sadly shakes his head and says "Son of a bitch...third gay rooster I bought this week!" GREEK RESUME ------------ NICK DOMATOMAVROMICHALOMOUTSAKOPOULOS 45-56-36th Street Astoria, New York 11103 (718) 555-1212 E-mail: MegaloPoutso69@aol.com OBJECTIVE Find work and get out of the house before my parents drive me nuts. Saving $$$ for Greece isnt even that important to me anymore. EDUCATION St. Demetrios Greek-American Orthodox High School, Astoria, New York AWARDS Best Dressed Year Book Award Nicest Hair Year Book Award Coolest Car Year Book Award COMPUTER KNOWLEDGE Hardware: Gateway & Playstation Software: Windows and Works Internet: AOL EXPERIENCE Uncle Mikes Taverna Astoria, New York Waiter/Cashier/Busboy/Delivery Boy Sept 1980 - Present (on weekends) ¨ Stock heavy supplies in the basement back room ¨ Taking care of the store whenever my dad goes on hunting trips ¨ I do everything and anything in that place, I work like a freaking Mexican Byzantio Café Astoria, New York Waiter August 1999 - September 1999 ¨ Moved heavy tables back and forth ¨ Interacted with various local political figures ¨ I would still be working there, but my EX kept coming in and trying to step on my balls Three Way Plumbing Astoria, New York Stock Boy October 1999 - November 1999 ¨ Kept inventory of heavy ass pipes and plumbing supplies ¨ Worked the register ¨ I would still be working there, but my EX's dad kept coming in and trying to step on my balls LANGUAGE ¨ Fluent in conversational Greek ¨ Some Italian ¨ Can yell at dishwashers and bussboys in Spanish ACTIVITIES ¨Pretending to work out and trying to pick up girls at BQE ¨ Cruising around in a shit car with brand new rims and a 2000$ system, trying to race people ¨ Stalking my ex ¨ Standing around with the same empty beer bottle all night, trying to look tough in DNA, Venus and Stathmos ..Sitting around empty cafes, and talking shit about how the others are dressed ..Dressing like the 1990's never happened A baby harp seal walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The baby harp seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks." John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate, Julie, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates. "About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom" Lesson of the day; Don't Lie To Your Mother. Lessons I've learned... I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others-they are more fucked up than you think. I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do. I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning." Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or Should I?" Subject: Bill Gates & cars - start the day off with a bit of real truth! I think you will like this! At a recent computer show, Bill Gates compared the computer industry with the automobile industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving fifty dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the litre." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the highway for no reason. You'd just calmly accept this, restart your car, and then drive on. 4. Occasionally, doing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart. Then, you'd have to reinstall the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you'd have to buy more seats. 6. Apple Computer would make a car that was solar powered, more reliable, ten times faster and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on ten per cent of the roads. 7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before activating. 10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary) even though they'd neither want nor need them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department. 12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as before. 13. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off your engine. An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. A banker is like a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." A lawyer is someone who can go to court for you, or go to bed with you, and the result is the same. Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO 10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters. 9. Directions to your doctor's office include,"take a left when you enter the trailer park." 8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. 7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. 6. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a day." 5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. 4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo. 3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming. 2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "m"s on them. And the #1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO 1. When you ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape. Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects: 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits 4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game 5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too 6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His 7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First 8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking 9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging 10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire 11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up 12. Introduction to Parking 13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space 14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat 15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter 16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption 17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People 18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully 19. PMS: "Poor me syndrome" Your Problem . . . Not His 20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To 21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have 22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice 23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together 24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both 25. TV Remotes: For Men Only 26. The Toilet : You can learn to leave the seat up The Birth of a Tradition One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. God's email Subject: well, thats not good One day God was looking down to earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes, it is bad on earth, 95% of the people are bad and 5% are good people. He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel to get both points of view. So He called a male angel and sent him to earth to see what he could find. When the angel returned he went to God and told him, yes, the earth was in decline, 95% of the people are bad and 5% are good. God said this was not good. He decided to send an e-mail to the 5% that were good and encourage them, something to help them keep going. Do you know what that email said? ? ? ? ? ? ? Oh, you didn't get one, either? 45 Gems of Wisdom =================== 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses? 8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? 10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 11. Is there another word for synonym? 12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" 13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping? 24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 26. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. 29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 30. The older you get, the better you realize you were. 31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. 34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. 35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? 37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 40. If God dropped acid, would he see people? 41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? 44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? SAY IT IN Proper English... Greek English... Greek --------------------------------------------- No worries noworis kanena provlima Hello allaou yia I don't know eyerono Pou thes na xero? That's all right tsorait kala Yes mmm ame No mm mm tsou/oxi re pousti excuse me eyyyyyyy re malaka what's the time please otsi taim mazi to exoume to roloi Could I have a glass or water please wun wota plis ena nero grigora Could you tell me when the next bus is due?? when caming next bus miazo yia othigo?? Oh blast! fukyen shit gamimenoooo Oh well awell den gamiete You're very beautiful yiou very sexy ise mounara Would you like to come in for coffee?? yiou fukoffi ela, pame gia tsimboukia You awful woman fukyen bits kariola You're late cuman, otsi taim pou ise re pousti Thank you thengiou (No translation found) I'm sorry skiuped stravomara You idiot blar ry inthies kimismeno I love beautiful woman be youri ful ngel m'aresi na gamao You are a disgrace I kill you gamiese apo ton ngolo Where are you? where you are pou gamiese GOUTOUBAI IVORYBODY