A lawyer defending a man convicted of burglary tried this creative appeal: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The gavel hit the bench with a thud. The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the table, and walked out. This is from a 1950s Home Economics textbook intended for high school girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life: 1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal -- on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed. 2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little happy and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. 3. Clear away clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. 4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them play the part. 5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him. 6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. 7. Make him comfortable. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and rewind. 8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. 9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax. 10. The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax. -- The updated version for the '90s woman: 1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood. 2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "Clinique" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card!) 3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Salvation Army box in the garage. 4. Prepare the children: Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriage. 5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked. 6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do. 7. Make him comfortable. Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show him you care. 8. Listen to him. But don't ever let him get the last word. 9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card). Familiarise him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out!" 10. The goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you. THESAURUS OF MEN: "I'M GOING FISHING" Translated:* I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "IT'S A GUY THING" Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical". "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH", "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR" Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated:* "I have no idea how it works." "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Translated:* "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra." "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated:* "Are you still talking?" "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, ... but I forgot your birthday." "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". Translated:* "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING". Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I CAN'T FIND IT." Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translated:* "What did you catch me at?" "I HEARD YOU." Translated:* "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Translated:* "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Translated:* "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving." "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again." "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Translated:* "I make the messes, she cleans them up." A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house, and heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?" "Yes, of course," she replied. "Well, I would have been released tonight." The Life of an Egg If you think life is bad.......How would you like to be an egg? * You only get laid once. * You only get eaten once. * It takes 4 minutes to get hard. * Only 2 minutes to get soft. * You share your box with 11 other guys. * But worst of all..... * The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up.....Your life ain't that bad!!! Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay, I mean day. Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded." The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio. Three men were all applying for the same job as a detective. One was Polish, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. Rather than ask the standard questions during the interview, the chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left. When the Polish man arrived for his interview, he was asked the exact same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow" When the Polish man arrived home, his wife asked "How did the interview go?" He replied, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder!" Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a man's manly man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and, without fear, turned, and calmly shouted: "Get me my brown pants." Twenty sure ways to tell you're either a prostitute or a consultant: 1. You work very odd hours. 2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your clients happy. 3. You are paid well but your boss gets most of the money. 4. You spend a disproportionate amount of time in a hotel room. 5. You would change employers at the drop of a hat for more money. 6. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded. 7. It's difficult to have a family. 8. You have no job satisfaction. 9. If a client beats you up, the boss just sends you to another client. 10. When people ask you, "What do you do?", you can't explain it. 11. If you don't do everything to please the client, the boss gets angry, your compensation suffers, and he might even ditch you for a better model. 12. Your clients always wants to know what they get for their money, and often make strict demands as an excuse to get their money's worth". 13. Your boss drives nice cars like Mercedes or Porsche. 14. Your boss encourages drinking to ease the pain of it all. 15. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell. 16. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal. 17. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling. 18. Your boss keeps close tabs on what you're doing, who you're doing it with, how much time you're spending with them, and your "productivity" levels. 19. You're always telling clients what they want to hear. 20. To feel better, you keep saying to yourself, "Well, I at least I'm not a lawyer." One day, a barber gave a haircut to a priest. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. That afternoon a policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "You protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. That same day a lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "You serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut. An Asian man walked into the currency exchange line in a New York bank with 8000 yen, and he walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 8000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week. The lady said, "Fluctuations." The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said................ "Fluc you Amelicans, too!" A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says."How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again."So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!""READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked,'So, is your daddy still messin" around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' " The father says,"Damn; I hope you SHOT that lyin' dog!""I sure did, Dad!" One day an expert in time management was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used a illustration those students will never forget. As he stood in front of the group of high powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz." Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide mouthed Mason jar and set it on the table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?" Everyone in the class said, "Yes." Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the space between the big rocks. Then he asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?" By this time the class was on to him. "Probably not," one of them answered. "Good!" he replied. He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in the jar and it went into all of the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is this jar full?" "No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good." Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?" One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard you can always fit some more things in it!" "No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all." What are the 'big rocks' in your life? Your children....Your loved ones ....Your education.... Your dreams...A worthy cause ...Teaching or mentoring others... ..Doing things that you love....Time for yourself.....Your health....Your significant other. Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never get them in at all. If you sweat the little stuff (the gravel, the sand) then you'll fill your life with little things you worry about that don't really matter, and you'll never have the real quality time you need to spend on the big, important stuff (the big rocks). So, tonight, or in the morning, when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself this question: What are the 'big rocks' in my life? Then, put those in your jar first. Once Bill Clinton visited a elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, "Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident". Then he said, "Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?" A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car." Clinton says, "No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try?" A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a busload of kids drove off a cliff." Clinton says, "No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?" A boy raises his hand and says and says, "If you and Mrs. Clinton was on a plane and it blew up." Then Clinton says, "Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy?" And the little boy says, "Well, it wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't have been a great loss." Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty pissed off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?" Clinton says "Oh Hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine." Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so...so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what's the really bad news?" The officer replies "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting." Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game. As the game is getting ready to start, Bill stands up, picks up Hillary, and throws her out onto the field. When he sits down, his chief advisor leans over and says, "You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you have to throw out the first pitch." Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk. Hillary says to Chelsea, "You have been going to college for a while now. Have you had sex yet?" Chelsea says, "Well, not according to Dad." Clinton died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate-approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter. "'It's me, Bill Clinton" "And what do you want?" asked St. Peter. "Lemme in!" replied Clinton. "Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?" Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury." After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over." The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons: - has to work hard; - has to work at great depths; - has to work upside down; - has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work; - has to work in a high humidity environment; - has to work at high temperatures; - does not get weekends and holidays off; - does not get time off after extra hours of work; - has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness. Request Denied.....for the following reasons: - does not work 8 hours in a row; - does not answer immediately to all requests; - after a short activity period, falls asleep at work; - shows no fidelity to the workplace; - retires too early; - does not work at all unless pushed from behind; - does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work; - sometimes leaves work, too early THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures........... Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole in the head. THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR: 1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. 2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones. 4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on. 5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?" 6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" 7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator. 8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment. 9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play. 10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking. 11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers. 12) Ask, "Did you feel that?" 13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally. 14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again." 15) Swat at flies that don't exist. 16) Tell people that you can see their aura. 17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it. 18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!" 19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?" 20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly. 22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. 23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope. 24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on." 26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space! Two hillbillies are havin the blue plate special at their favorite waterin hole, when they heard an awful chockin sound. They turned around ta see a lady, a few bar stools down, turnin blue from wolfin down a possum burger too fast. The first hillbilly said to the other, "Thank we otta help?" "Yep", said the second hillbilly. So the first hillbilly gets up and walks over to her and asks, "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head no. "Kin yew speak?" Again she shook her head no. With that, the hillbilly helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, and started lickin her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe with great relief. The first hillbilly turned to his friend and said, "Funny how that there hind lick maneuver works ever time!" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Thought for the day: The problem with the designated driver program is, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into it, have some fun with it.....At the end of the night, drop everyone off at the wrong house. One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatise the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mickey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Mickey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mickey, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!" The Haircut A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied... "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!" You know you're Italian when... 1) You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you. 2) Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Monte Carlo 3) You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro 4) Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives. 5) You consider dunking a pack of "S" cookies in milk a nutritious breakfast. 6) Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's brother-in-law. 7) Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just do me" tank top. 8) At least 5 of your cousins live on your street. 9) All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather. 10) A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of "professore" among your aunts. 11) You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners. 12) If someone in your family grows beyond 5 ft 6", it is presumed his mother had an affair. 13) There are more than 28 people in your bridal party. 14) You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion. 15) 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone. 16) You are offended when the wedding you attend serves less than 3 fish courses. THE SHOW The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them the Major called for this HOT number from the nearby town. She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes. For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G strings. This time the applause went for 10 minutes. The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quieten down for the grand finale. For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage. The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?" She replied, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with onehand?!!?" A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all of their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died. The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out. You see this frog was deaf, unable to hear the others plea. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time. This story teaches two lessons. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them. Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path. The power of words...it is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way. So from this day forward, think before you speak. Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDowell's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDowell himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!" THE POLITICAL PARTY ANIMAL A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town. The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck. He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?" "Yes, I do," replied the salesman. "Are you a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man. "A Republican," replied the salesman. "Get screwed!" yelled the old man as he sped off. The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off. The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican. "Democrat!" shouted the salesman. "Hop in!" replied the blonde. Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him. The wind blowing through her hair, perfectly heaving breasts, nipples pushing the fabric just so, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs, revealing that she wore no underwear. Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out. "What's the matter?" she asks. "I can't take it!" he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to fuck the brains out of a woman I've only just met!" Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved this morning, I cut my face." The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers." The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!" This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?" GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting." INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?" GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range." INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?" GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm!" INTERVIEWER: " But you're equipping them to become violent killers." GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?" ....The radio went silent and the interview ended. An old man was driving down the interstate at 22 miles per hour, never going faster or slower. A police officer noticed and followed him a while, then pulled him over. Before the officer could even get to the car the man was saying, "I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 miles per hour and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding." The police officer said, "I didn't pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going too slow." "But the sign says 22." The officer explained that he was on Interstate 22. As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were three older ladies in the back of the car. All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open and spit drooling down the side. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy. The police officer leaned toward the man and asked, "What's wrong with them?" "Well, we just came off of Interstate 134." A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed." 1945 And Now (Why the US doesn't win wars any more) 1945-Rifles were made of wood and steel, shot a .30 caliber bullet and killed the enemy. Now- Rifles are made of plastic and aluminum, shoot a .22 caliber bullet, and wound the enemy. 1945-The winning side used a US made .45 Caliber pistol, The losers used a European 9mm. Now-We use a European 9mm pistol. Nobody uses the .45. 1945-If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk. Now-If you smoke, you are sent outside and are treated like a leper. 1945-If you said "damn," people knew you were annoyed and avoided you. Now-If you say "damn" you better be talking about a hydroelectric plant. 1945-NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports. Now-Everyone has an internet computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done. 1945-We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home. Now-We put the real thing in the cockpit. 1945-Your girlfriend was at home, praying you would return alive. Now-She is in the same foxhole, praying your condom worked. 1945-If you got drunk off duty, your buddies took you back to the barracks to sleep it off. Now-If you get drunk any time they slap you in rehab and ruin your whole career. 1945-You were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him. Now-You spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you are out of ammo. 1945-Canteens were made out of steel. You could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them. Now-Canteens are made of plastic. You can't heat anything in them and they taste like plastic. 1945-Officers were professional soldiers first. They commanded respect. Now-Officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a wedgie. 1945-They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it. Now-They collect our pee and analyze it. 1945-If you don't act right, the commander might put you in the stockade til you straighten up. Now-If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever. 1945-Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own. Now-Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of the time. 1945-You slept in a barracks, like a soldier. Now-You sleep in a dormitory, like a college kid. 1945-You ate in a Mess Hall. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted. Now-You eat in a dining facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one. 1945-We defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan. Now-We cant beat Iraq or Yugoslavia. 1945-If you wanted to relax, you went to the Rec Center, played pool, smoked and drank beer. Now-You go to the Community Center and can still play pool. 1945-If you wanted a beer and conversation you could go to the NCO or Officers Club. Now-The beer will cost you $1.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink. 1945-You could buy quartermaster gas tax free because it was on a military reservation. Now-AAFES charges you the tax but pockets the money themselves because it is on a military reservation. 1945-The BX/PX had bargains for GI's who didn't make much money. Now-You can get better merchandise cheaper at Wal-Mart. 1945-We could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets. Now-We are wearing the Nazi helmets. 1945-An old Chief would sit in his office with a cigar in his mouth. Now-He> would be in less trouble if it was a penis. 1945-We called the enemy things like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them. Now-We call the enemy things like "opposing forces" and "aggressors" so we don't offend them. 1945-Victory was declared when the enemy was dead and all his things were broken Now-Victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry. 1945-If you killed an enemy soldier, you could bring home his rifle as a trophy. Now-If you bring home anything at all as a trophy you get a court-martial. 1945- A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people. Now- A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt. 1945-After the war, you could buy your own rifle off the government, cheap. Now-You can't be trusted with your own rifle, and you'll be jailed if you ever get one. 1945-Wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories. Now-Wars are planned and run by politicians with lots of important panty raids. 1945-We knew we were fighting for freedom. The country was committed to winning. Now-We don't know what we are fighting for. The government is committed to Socialism. 1945-All you could think of was getting out and becoming a civilian again. Now-All you can think of is getting out and becoming a civilian again. This is a fantastic mind teaser! Try it, it is funny! Solve the puzzles by saying them out loud,over and over,faster and faster,repeating the phrase,until you "hear" the answer. Example: LAWN SAND JEALOUS (place) Answer: Los Angeles 1. SHOCK CUSSED TOE (person) 2. SAND TACKLE LAWS (fictional character) 3. MY GULCH HOARD UN (person) 4. MOW BEAD HICK (book) 5. TALL MISCHIEF HER SUN (person) 6. CHICK HE TUB AN AN US (product) 7. THROUGH TIGHT AN HICK (thing) 8. AISLE OH VIEW (phrase) 9 TUB RAID HEAP HUNCH (TV show) 10. CARESS THROUGHER CLUMP US (person) 11. DOCKED HEARSE WHOSE (person) 12. THUMB ILL KEY WAKE OWL LICKS HE (place) 13. AGE ANT HUB BLOWS HEAVEN (fictional character) 14. THESE HOUND DOVE MOO SICK (movie) 15. BUCK SPUN HE (fictional character) Okay, the answers are below. Don't cheat. No! Don't hit the Page Down. Leave the Down Scroll alone. Give it a try first. keep going 1. Jacques Cousteau 2. Santa Claus 3. Michael Jordan 4. Moby Dick 5. Thomas Jefferson 6. Chiquita Banana 7. The Titanic 8. I love you 9. The Brady Bunch 10. Christopher Columbus 11. Doctor Seuss 12. The Milky Way Galaxy 13. Agent 007 14. The Sound of Music 15. Bugs Bunny Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work." Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?" Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all." Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?" Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either." Tech Support: "You did what sir?" Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit. So then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective." Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A:drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?" (At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.) Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?" Customer: "I said I put butter in my A:drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out." Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?" Silence. Tech Support: "Sir?" Customer: "Yes?" Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?" Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer" Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the A:drive and physically rip the disk out?" Customer: "Ummmm." Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?" Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!" Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day." ------------------------------------ At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up. ------------------------------------ One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $3,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book." ------------------------------------ Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message." Tech Support: "Did you install the update?" Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?" ------------------------------------ Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word." Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done." Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'." Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says." Customer: "It says 'IBM Restore and Recovery Disk'." Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk." Customer: "What?" Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?" Customer "No..." ------------------------------------ Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?" (This has actually happened to me quite a few times - EY) ------------------------------------ Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC." Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?" Customer: "I can't open the box." Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there." Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...." ------------------------------------ Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'." Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:\ and type 'dir'." Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'. Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again." Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'." Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place - it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?" Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'." Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?" Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter? ------------------------------------ At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars. Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network." Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage." Customer: "What is that?" Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer." Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ." ------------------------------------ And the best for last!!!! Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on your desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." Tech Support: (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.) Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?" Customer: "No. I wrote it on my desktop. I've done something dumb, right?"