A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "Pig!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "Bitch!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from. The mother was amused and said "Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl then explained, "Well...the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's wiener stands way up high, and the mommy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy's wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy's mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's where babies come from." The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from." Quotes from Sports Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye." New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school." Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes." Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro." Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992) Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982) Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981) Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966) Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co- captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981) Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991) Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986) Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991) Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996) Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " (1991) Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991) Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." There were two Indians and a redneck fellow walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up this hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave. The redneck fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something. "No", said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you. Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", off came the clothes and into the cave he goes. The redneck started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!" Well...he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of esctasy and grandure. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave. Here are a few examples of BEFORE and AFTER you fall in marriage Before - You take my breath away After - I feel like I'm suffocating Before - Twice a night After - Twice a month Before - She loves the way I take control of a situation After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac Before - Ricky & Lucy After - Fred & Ethel Before - Saturday Night Live After - Monday Night Football Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done... Before - Don't Stop After - Don't Start Before - The Sound of Music After - The Sounds of Silence Before - is that all you're eating? After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey Before - Wheel of Fortune After - Jeopardy Before - It's like living a dream After - It's a nightmare Before - $60/dozen After - $1.50/stem Before - Turbocharged After - Needs a jump-start Before - We agree on everything! After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own? Before - Victoria's Secret After - Fruit of the Loom Before - Feathers & handcuffs After - Ball and Chain Before - idol After - idle Before - He's lost without me After - Why can't he ask for directions? Before - When together, time stands still After - This relationship is going nowhere Before - Croissant and cappuccino After - Bagels and instant Before - Oysters After - Fishsticks Before - I can hardly believe we found each other After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you? Top Ten Actual e-mail Addresses: 10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu < mailto:ihadcock@tru.com An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again. White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (formerly of the Monkees). In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax, and correct itself. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself. 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. A whale's penis is called a dork. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs-it will let you go instantly. Reindeer like to eat bananas. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. No words in the English language rhyme with month, orange, silver, and purple. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. The most common name in the world is Mohammed. The word "samba" means "to rub navels together." Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam." Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson." More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes. A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "THIS IS A BIRTHDAY SUIT INSPECTION!!! I wanna see you all formed up outside butt naked NOW!" So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly... The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells. "No, Sir!" came the reply. "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear. "Did THAT hurt?" "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick. "Did THAT hurt?" "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!" The Miracle of a Brother's Song Like any good mother, when Karen found out that another baby was on the way, she did what she could to help her 3 year old son, Michael, prepare for a new sibling. They found out that the new baby was going to be a girl, and day after day, night after night, Michael sang to his little sister in Mommy's tummy. He was building a bond of love with his little sister before he even met her. The pregnancy progressed normally for Karen, an active member of the Panther Creek United Methodist Church in Morristown, Tennessee. In time, the labor pains came. Soon it was every five minutes, every three, every minute. But serious complications arose during delivery and Karen found herself in hours of labor. Would a C-section be required? Finally, after a long struggle, Michael's little sister was born. But she was in very serious condition. With a siren howling in the night, the ambulance rushed the infant to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at St. Mary's Hospital, Knoxville, Tennessee. The days inched by. The little girl got worse. The pediatric specialist regretfully had to tell the parents, "There is very little hope. Be prepared for the worst." Karen and her husband contacted a local cemetery about a burial plot. They had fixed up a special room in their home for the new baby -- but now they found themselves having to plan for a funeral. Michael, however, kept begging his parents to let him see his sister. "I want to sing to her," he kept saying. Week two in intensive care looked as if a funeral would come before the week was over. Michael kept nagging about singing to his sister, but kids are never allowed in the Intensive Care. Karen made up her mind, though. She would take Michael whether they liked it or not! If he didn't see his sister right then, he may never see her alive. She dressed him in an oversized scrub suit and marched him into ICU. He looked like a walking laundry basket, but the head nurse recognized him as a child and bellowed "Get that kid out of here now! NO children are allowed!" The mother rose up strong in Karen, and the usually mild-mannered lady glared steel-eyed right into the head nurse's face, her lips a firm line. "He is not leaving until he sings to his sister!" Karen towed Michael to his sister's bedside. He gazed at the tiny infant losing the battle to live. After a moment, he began to sing. In the pure hearted voice of a 3-year-old Michael sang: "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray." Instantly the baby girl seemed to respond. Her pulse rate began to calm down and become steady. "Keep on singing, Michael," encouraged Karen with tears in her eyes. "You never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away." As Michael sang to his sister, the baby's ragged, strained breathing became as smooth as a kitten's purr. "Keep on singing, sweetheart!" "The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my hands..." Michael's little sister began to relax as rest, healing rest, seemed to sweep over her. "Keep on singing, Michael." Tears had now conquered the face of the bossy head nurse. Karen glowed. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. Please don't take my sunshine away...." The next, day..the very next day...the little girl was well enough to go home! "Women's Day Magazine" called it "The Miracle of a Brother's Song." The medical staff just called it a miracle. Karen called it a miracle of God's love! Never give up on the people you love. Love is so Incredibly powerful. Please send this to all the people that have touched your life in some way. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world! A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!" "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!" Special Occasion Napkins This is more embarrassing for my mother than for me because I wasn't quite 4 years old when it happened. My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake). One day I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet door was ajar.I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belongin the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told methat those were for special occasions. Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for Dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. You guessed it! When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each placesetting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate,with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge. My mother asked me why I used these and of course my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!! Something To Offend Everyone. . . Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future, either. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying, "Yo" What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp. Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, Along with a recipe. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! What's the Cuban national anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit... It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!" Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!" Why did the chicken cross the road?? PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out. RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I've never known any chickens. DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes!>The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability. SADDAM HUSSAIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justifidein dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN: What chicken? CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system. EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road...or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please? IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history. JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: they the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.) I must also add the answer given by my Drivers Ed instructor: "To show the squirrels how its done." There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!" Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys???" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in...and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!" The Knob There's this middle aged lady who goes to her cosmetic surgeon to see what her options are concerning her rapidly sagging face. "We can give you an old fashioned face-lift," he says, "or we can use a new high-tech procedure called 'the knob.'" "What's 'the knob', doctor?", she asks. He replies, "It is a procedure where we install a knob under your hair on the back of your head. We then connect it to the facial muscles which sag, and whenever you start to notice any new wrinkles and sagging, just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin will be nice and tight again." "Oh, YES, doctor! That is what I would like to have", she says excitedly. The operation is a complete success and she looks 15 years younger. As time passes, whenever she notices any new sagging, she simply tightens the knob and VOILA! Her face is again beautiful. One day about 8 years later she wakes up one morning and sees two very large bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she calls her doctor and reports the bags. "Come down to my office right away and let me check it out!" the doctor says. After examining her, he says, "You've been tightening the knob WAY too much!! Those bags under your eyes are your breasts." The lady says, "Well! I guess that explains the goatee! THINGS MEN KNOW Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman. Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house. Men know that if she looks like your mother, run. Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth. Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win. Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted. Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game. Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them. Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself. Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them. Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how to cook them. Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Tracy... Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed. Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there. Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At Hell's gates he meets Judgment. Judgment tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be replacing one of the current inhabitants. Clinton will be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell. Three doors appear before Clinton. The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He's being worked over with a blow torch. Upon seeing Newt in this predicament, Clinton cringes and says, "That looks painful. I don't think this is for me!" The second door opens. Behind it is Ted Kennedy. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. Grimacing at the bloody scene, Clinton says, "I don't think so." The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He's naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. "I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically. "Very well," says Judgment. "Monica, you may go. ARE NORTHERNERS "BLUE-NECKS"? By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins: YOU JUST MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF: 1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside." 2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY! 3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly. 4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits. 5. You don't know what a moon pie is. 6. You've never had an RC cola. 7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled. 8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork. 9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips. 10.You have no idea what a polecat is. 11.You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle. 12.You don't have bangs. 13.You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags. 14.More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut. 15.You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show. 16.Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women. 17.You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent. 18.You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show. 19.You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach. 20.You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. 21.The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway. 22.You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores. 23.The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus. 24.You call binoculars opera glasses. 25.You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping. 26.You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt. 27.You don't know what applique is. 28.You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, et al). 29.You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one. 30.You've never been to a craft show. 31.You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you. 32.You can do your laundry without quarters. 33.None of your fur coats are homemade. A couple was celebrating their Golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, " explained the husband."We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'" Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your mom. Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? A: Say, "Nice dick." Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life? A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends." Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection? A: An itchy, twitchy twat. Q: Are birth control pills deductible? A: Only if they don't work. Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts. Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? A: Because they have cotton balls. Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster? A: A cock that stays up all night. Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? A: Palm Sunday Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob? A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? A: Miracle Whip. Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A: A bingo machine. Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob! Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob? A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place: First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her." They continued to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guyhas not said a word. So they ask him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Golf course or Intercourse?" and she said "Wear your sweater." Funeral Procession A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Could I borrow that dog?" "Get in line." A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. . . After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the pigs. So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all. Then he brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, does each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drives them out to the woods. He spends all day with the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are standing around or laying in the mud. "Neither," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn." 1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING. 2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two. 3. When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left." 4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak slower so you can understand what they're saying. 5 When they talk about how great it is up north, tell them "Delta's ready when you are." 6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball. 7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke; every motorcycle as a "Honder," etc. 8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus. 9. Offer to send them a bottle of fresh air. 10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names (e.g. Lisa Marie, Jim Bob, etc.). 11. Frequently bring up the "War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War," always interject that "there was nothing civil about it" 12. Address all males as "son" and all females as "little lady." 13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: "It's "pee-can."" 14. Put Tabasco on everything. 15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say, "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!" say "Well, I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!" 16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies ... banana ones. 17. Name all of your children "Bubba." 18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence. 19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut off" lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something. 20. Never simply "do" something. Always be "fixin to do" something. 21. Tell them you don't have an accent; they do. 22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations. 23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into an Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there. "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town..." 24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend. 25. Call 'em a Yankee. Works every time. A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, where as women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. He said, "What?" Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old, and wheelchair bound. Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's penis and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much, but it was all they had. One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds. She confronted him and said "Where were you these past couple of nights?" He replied "If you must know, I was with another woman." "Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?". "We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered. "Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked. "Nope; she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied. "Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked. Bill smiled slyly and said "Parkinson's disease." A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221." A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will." One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynocologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?" Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No,Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle." There's a man stranded on a desert island and one day a lady gets washed up onto shore. They get to talking and get to know each other. Later on that day the woman asks him 'I don't suppose you smoked before you were stranded here did you?' And the man replies, 'Yes.' So she produces from her bag a cigarette and they smoke together. A little while later she says to him, 'I don't suppose you drank before you were stranded did you?' The man says, 'yes.' The woman produces a flask from her bag and they drink. More time passes and the woman says, 'So you've been on this island for 10 years without a woman huh?' The man replies ' Yes'. The woman says, 'I don't suppose you'd like to play around.' The man shouts, 'Good God lady, you have a set of clubs in that bag too!' Three men were drinking at a bar - a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring." As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's birthday I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet." As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!" Day 1--Just celebrated our 25th anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Day 2--Today he told me he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me some thing I DON'T know! I mean,give me a break! He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp!! Day 3--This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs you know! Sometimes I need something too! Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears! Day 4--A miracle has happened!! There's an new drug on the market that will fix his "problem". It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He asked me if this time I would say HIS name at the glorious moment". Day 5--Oh what a glorious morning!! The sun is shining, the birds are singing. My needs have been fulfilled. Everything is perfect. Day 6--Again? Day 7--This Viagra thing is going to his head. (No pun intended) Yesterday, at Burger King, the kid behind the counter asked him if he wanted a whopper. He told him, "No thanks. I've already got one." Day 8--I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new "friend" as a weed wacker. Day 9--Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working anymore. What am I going to do? Day 10--I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker. Day 11--I wish he were gay. I've bought him 20 Liza Minelli albums and the Sweatin' to the Oldies tape and he keeps coming after me. Day 12--Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Everytime I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack!! It's like going to bed with a scud missile! Day 13--I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing works. I even started dressing like a nun. He says penguins turn him on. Day 14--I can't take it anymore. I think I'm going to have to kill him. I just worry about one thing-how will they ever get the lid to close on his casket?? Hard Lessons Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, age 10 When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, 16 Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, 14 Stay away from prunes. Randy, 9 Never pee on an electric fence. Robert, 13 Don't squat with your spurs on. Noronha, 13 Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. Emily, 10 When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. Taylia, 11 Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your School assignment. Traci, 14 Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. Mitchell, 12 Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. Andrew, 9 Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. Kyoyo, 9 You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Armir, 9 Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. Kellie, 11 If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. Naomi, 15 Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. Lauren, 9 Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, 10 When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, 13 Never try to baptize a cat. Eileen, 8 THE RIGHT TOOL FOR THE JOB There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The idiot says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK!!- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so. When he returns, without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --BONG!!-- bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold. The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears." The Italian Who Went To Malta (MUST BE READ WITH AN ITALIAN ACCENT, PREFERABLY OUT LOUD) One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy. One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender. "We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first." How To Shower Like A Woman: 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat. 4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. 9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash 10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). 11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. 12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure. 13. Turn off shower. 14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. 16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. 17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed. How To Shower Like A Man 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff. 4. Get in the shower. 5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one) 6. Wash your face 7. Wash your armpits 8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. 9. Wash your privates and surrounding area. 10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar. 11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner) 12. Make a shampoo Mohawk. 13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. 14. Pee (in the shower) 15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time. 16. Partial dry off. 17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size. 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. 19. Leave bathroom and fan light on. 20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her. 21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes getting dressed. THIS FARMER HAS ABOUT 200 HENS, BUT NO ROOSTER, AND HE WANTS CHICKS. SO HE GOES DOWN THE ROAD TO THE NEXT FARMER AND ASKS IF HE HAS A ROOSTER. THE OTHER FARMER SAYS, "YEAH, I'VE GOT THIS GREAT ROOSTER, NAMED RANDY; HE'LL SERVICE EVERY CHICKEN YOU GOT, NO PROBLEM." WELL, RANDY THE ROOSTER IS A LOT OF MONEY, BUT THE FARMER DECIDES HE'D BE WORTH IT. SO, HE BUYS RANDY. THE FARMER TAKES RANDY HOME AND SETS HIM DOWN IN THE BARNYARD, GIVING THE ROOSTER A PEPTALK. "RANDY, I WANT YOU TO PACE YOURSELF NOW. YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF CHICKENS TO SERVICE HERE, AND YOU COST ME A LOT OF MONEY AND, I'LL NEED YOU TO DO A GOOD JOB. SO, TAKE YOUR TIME AND HAVE SOME FUN!" THE FARMER SAID WITH A CHUCKLE. RANDY SEEMED TO UNDERSTAND, SO THE FARMER POINTS TOWARD THE HENHOUSE AND RANDY TOOK OFF LIKE A SHOT. -WHAM- HE NAILED EVERY HEN IN THERE THREE OR FOUR TIMES AND THE FARMER IS JUST SHOCKED! RANDY RUNS OUT OF THE HEN HOUSE AND SEES A FLOCK OF GEESE DOWN BY THE LAKE. -WHAM- HE GETS ALL THE GEESE. RANDY'S UP IN THE PIGPEN- HE'S IN WITH THE COWS. RANDY IS JUMPING ON EVERY ANIMAL THE FARMER OWNS. THE FARMER IS DISTRAUGHT, WORRIED THAT HIS EXPENSIVE ROOSTER WON'T LAST THE DAY. SURE ENOUGH, THE FARMER GOES TO BED AND WAKES UP THE NEXT DAY TO FIND RANDY DEAD AS A DOORKNOB, STONE COLD, IN THE YARD. BUZZARDS ARE CIRCLING OVERHEAD. THE FARMER, SADDENED BY THE LOSS OF SUCH A COLORFUL ANIMAL, SHAKES HIS HEAD AND SAYS, "OH RANDY, I TOLD YOU TO PACE YOURSELF. I TRIED TO GET YOU TO SLOW DOWN. NOW LOOK AT YOURSELF!" RANDY OPENS ONE EYE, NODS TOWARD THE SKY AND SAYS, "SHHH, THEY'RE GETTING CLOSER...." Sex Quiz Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points. If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin. "CLUES" 1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. 2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. 3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. 4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open. 5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. 6. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. 7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. 8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. 9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. 10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. 11. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. 12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. 13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it. 14. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush. (Answers below) 1. nose 2. peanut butter 3. crane 4. Titanic 5. tent 6. dentist 7. wedding ring 8. elevator 9. chewing gum 10. newspaper boy 11. glove 12. arrow 13. attorney 14. bird How To Shower Like a Woman: 1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you slept in because there was a distinct chill in the air at bedtime due to the temperature having dropped below 70 degrees. 2. Walk to the bathroom wearing a long robe and a towel on your head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban jokes, and then rush to the bathroom. 3. Turn on the hot water only and let run. 4. Look at your womanly figure in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat. 5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam, and adjust the water to a temperature slightly below it's boiling point. 6. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 7. Wash your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 8. Rinse. 9. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 10. Rinse. 11. Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 12. Rinse. 13. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. 14. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw. 15. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. 16. Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. 17. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that it has all come off). 18. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered, and anyway, the hair helps keep you warm. 19. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10. 20. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of hot water. 21. Turn hot water on full and rinse off. 22. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country. 23. Check entire body for the remotest sign of age spots. Attack with expensive cream if found. 24. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore juvenile turban jokes, and then rush to bedroom. How To Shower Like a Man: 1. If you wore clothes to bed last night, take them off while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (no) 4. Turn on the water. 5. Check quickly for pecs again. (no) 6. Get in the shower. 7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one) 8. Wash your face. 9. Wash your armpits. 10. Wash your privates. 11. Wash your butt. 12. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner) 13. Make a shampoo Mohawk. 14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror. 15. Pee. 16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. 17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her. GOOD OLE BOY HUMOR Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen. What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved. What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? Nice tooth! Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky: "Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad." A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?" The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?" How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck. What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia? In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor. What is a Redneck's defense in court? Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence." "What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A documentary. What do they call it in Kentucky? "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous." How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars. Why did God invent armadillos? So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell. Louisiana Jokes A Louisiana State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-10. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What's long and hard on an LSU football player? A: First grade! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Louisiana State Lottery? A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Cajun Country? A: Everyone has the same DNA. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Baton Rouge burned down? A: Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A new law recently passed in Southern Louisiana: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What do a divorce in North Louisiana, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common? A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Why do folks in Breaux Bridge, Louisiana go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? A: 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -Robin Williams Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -Billy Crystal I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?" -Larry Miller You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" -Dave Barry According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful. -Jay Leno I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. -Bill Cosby In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? -Jay Leno My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. -Tim Allen We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. -Phyllis Diller There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -Jay Leno The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to Uzis. -Conan O'Brien There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." -Jerry Seinfield A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes.So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers! -Jay Leno Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. -Tim Allen If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked. -Bill Cosby I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street -Steven Wright After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." -Gary Shandling The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. -Jeff Foxworthy A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny and potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer, and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label, "Viagra Extra Strength," and says, "Here, if you take these you'll go wild for twelve hours!" The guy responds, "Great! Gimme three boxes!" The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, approaches the pharmacist, and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror at man's black and blue member. The man says, "I'm gonna need some Ben Gay cream." The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on THAT are you?" "Nope, it's for my arms... the girls didn't show up." A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter." One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand." Well, it seems that Bill Gates dies and goes before St. Peter. St. Peter looks him over and says, "Well Bill, yours is an un-usual case. On the one hand you put a PC in every home in America and on the other you gave the world that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something here that I have never done before. I'm going to let you decide weather you go to heaven or hell." Bill says, "Well, what's the difference?" St. Peter says, "I'll tell you what, I'll let you try each and then make up your mind." "Great. Which do I try first?" "Your choice." "Ok, let's see hell." With that, Bill is whisked off to hell. When he gets there it is a sunny day, he's on the beach, there are lots of girls in skimpy bikinis playing in the water, food to eat, booze and so on. "Wow, this is really great!" thinks Bill. After a while St. Peter comes back and takes Bill to heaven. There are clouds and angels playing harps. Everything is very peaceful and quiet. After a bit, St. Peter returns and asks, "Well, which will it be?" Bill ponders for about a half second and says, "Ok, St. Peter, send me to hell." In a blink of an eye, Bill Gates is whisked off to hell. About a week later, St. Peter decides to check on him. He goes to hell and finds Bill chained to wall being tormented by demons next to a lake of fire. "What happened to the beach and the girls and all that other stuff you showed me? This is nothing like that!" exclaims Bill when he sees St. Peter. "Oh, that was a demo." End of the World In a crash of thunder God yanked up to Heaven three influential humans: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates. "The human race is a complete disappoinment," God boomed. "You each have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world." With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on the Earth. Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news," he announced grimly. " The good news is that there is a God. The BAD news is, God's really mad and plans to end the world in a week." In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament - "Comrades, I have bad news and WORSE news. The bad news is that we were wrong: there is a God after all. The worse news is God's mad and is going to end the world in a week." Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and BETTER news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. " The better news is that we don't have to fix Windows 95!" The Penis Poem My nookie days are over My pilot light is out What used to be my sex appeal Is now my water spout. Time was when, on its own accord From my trousers it would spring But now I've got a full-time job To find the blasted thing. It used to be embarrassing The way it would behave For every single morning It would stand and watch me shave. Now as old age approaches It sure gives me the blues To see it hang its little head And watch me tie my shoes. CHILDREN'S LETTERS TO GOD! ***************************** Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones you have now? - Jane Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nan Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. - Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am) Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. - Bruce Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. - Denise Dear God, I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. - Sam Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. - Ruth Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying. - Elliott Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan Dear God, Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best. - Rob Dear God, My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right. He was just kidding, right? - Marsha Dear God, If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes. - Mickey Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. - Sincerely, James Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already. - Charles Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! - Eugene Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises... He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice... Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life. What is the moral of this story? THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH