As all the animals were filing into the Ark,...Noah said very loudly,"listen up you filthy animals, there will be NO sex on this trip, got it?". "All males must take off your penises and hand them to my sons before boarding. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land you will get your penises back." After a day on the Ark, Mr. rabbit stormed into Mrs. Rabbit's cage and was very very excited. "Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window. "Sorry, no land yet." "Shit!" said Mr. Rabbit and out he went, clearly very upset. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit finally got fed up with him and said "What the hell is the matter with you? You know it will rain forty days and nights! Only after the water drains will we be able to see land. Then you'll get it back....can't you wait, and why are you acting so excited every day?" "Here, look", said Mr. rabbit with a sinister grin on his face as held out a piece of paper, "this is why.....I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!" Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically,he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot", sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus." THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY? So you think you're having a bad day. The following is taken from a Florida newspaper: A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm. An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone. Three guys, an Asian, a Klu Klux Klan member, and an African are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish; that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Asian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer,and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Asia." With a blink of the Genie's eye, POOF, the land in Asia was forever made fertile for farming. The KKK man was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around a separate continent with nothing but pure White Anglo Saxon people in it, so that no infidels, Blacks or Jews, can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, OOF, there was a huge wall around a new continent. The African asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out." The African says, "Fill it up with water." This guy is sent to hell. Satan gives him three doors to choose from to suffer eternity. Behind door # 1 there's people screaming and burnin with fire comming outta there mouths. "No thanks says the guy" I'll pass. Behind door # 2 the people are slidding down a 50 ft razor into a pool of alcohol. "Gee.. No thanks again says the guy" Think I'll pass here too. Behind door # 3 there's all these people standing knee deep in shit drinking Coke. The guy say's... "I think I can spend eternity standing knee deep in shit drinking Coke." "I chose door # 3" The guy goes in..get's Coke.. Then Satan comes in and says. OK..Coke Breaks over..."BACK ON YOUR HEADS". Three chemical engineers are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now, one of the guys just does not believe it, and says "Ok, if you can really grant three wishes, then double my IQ". The mermaid says, "Done". Suddenly, the guy starts reciting fluid mechanics equations flawlessly and analyzing them with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid: Triple my IQ. The mermaid says: "Done". The guy starts to spew out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping the scientists in various disciplines of porous media; low tensions; coating and drying problems,. etc. The last chemical engineer is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my IQ". The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider. The guy says "Nope, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free. "Please", says the mermaid. "You don't know what you're asking .. it'll change your entire view on the universe .. won't you ask for something else .. a million dollars... anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five time its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said - "Done". . . .and he became a woman. Painters A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!" The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, "I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"! This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?" The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street." Occasionally, airline attendants make in-flight safety lectures and other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some actual examples: As the plane was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella - WHOA!" After a particularly rough landing at Memphis: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell, everything has shifted." "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines!" "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane. "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately." Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." Then, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft." Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight." "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants." Following a long pause: "Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault.....it was the asphalt!" Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." As he said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. A part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways!" A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." If Men TRULY ran the world... If Men TRULY ran the world... 1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it. 2. Birth control would come in ale or lager. 3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. 4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. 5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. 6. Garbage would take itself out. 7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. 8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle". 9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps". 10. Tanks would be far easier to rent. 11. Two words..."Ally McNaked". 12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off". 13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. 14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again. 15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. 16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. 17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. 18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!". 19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. 20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you". 21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. 22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. 23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you wouldjump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. 24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. 25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. Learn Chinese in 5 minutes... [English phrase] -------- [Chinese Interpretation] Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man -- Dum Gai Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan? I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim? Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting? That was an unauthorized execution. -- Lin Ching I thought you were on a diet. -- Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song? You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi? Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao? Our meeting was scheduled for next week. -- Wai Yu Kum Nao They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile. -- Wa Shing Ka Your body odor is offensive. -- Yu stin ki pu The Real Man Test Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they carefully review the "C" answers. 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: A. Present it to the President of the United States. B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations. C. Take it apart. -*-*-*-*-*-*- 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? A. Innocence. B. Idealism. C. Cherry bombs. -*-*-*-*-*-*- 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.) C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. -*-*-*-*-*-*- 4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: A. A cat. B. A dog. C. A dog that eats cats. -*-*-*-*-*-*- 5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen. -*-*-*-*-*-*- 6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. C. Tell her what? -*-*-*-*-*-*- 7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: A. "Do they need to eat or anything?" B. "They're in school already?" C. "There are three of them?" -*-*-*-*-*-*- 8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her). -*-*-*-*-*-*- 9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? A. He was being tested. B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. C. He refused to ask for directions. -*-*-*-*-*-*- 10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? A. Democracy. B. Religion. C. Remote control GREEK GARDENING, BY LOU LOUTHI GREEK JOURNALISM, BY EFFIE MERITHA GREEK COOKING, BY PAT STICHIO & LOU KOUMADES GREEK READING COMPREHENSION, BY DAN KATALAVENO GREEK CONFECTIONARY, BY MA STIHA GREEK SHOEMAKING, BY PA POUTIS GREEK YOGA, BY GURU NEE GREEK PENCILMAKING BY MOE LEVY GREEK DANCING =INDIAN STYLE, BY CHIEF TETELI GREEK DIAPPEARING ACTS, BY ANNA HATHIS An accountant decided to leave his wife one day. He left her a note saying: "Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild in my life. So I'm leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We'll be staying at the Sheraton." He then packed his things, picked-up his new girfriend, and left for the hotel. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read: "Dear John, I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I'm sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18." Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, asked during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?" Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of this," and sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct Miss Johnson." said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment. An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. "Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?" "They're for the funeral." FEMALE COMEBACKS Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and so will this one if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing MEN FIGHT BACK How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... Wedding cake. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." SIGN LANGUAGE Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea. Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times!" The Woman, The Frog, And Three Wishes Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I forgot to mention that there was a condition to your wishes- that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better." The woman said, "That would be fine." For her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to him." The woman replied, "That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, poof - she's the most beautiful woman in the world. For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be 10 times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine..." So, poof, she's the richest woman in the world. The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." AN OLD WOMAN AND PERFUME An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says,.................... "Broccoli - .49 cents a pound." A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?" An old man had a doctor's appointment As he was a little of the deaf side, his wife had to accompany him to make sure she knew what was going on and also to explain to her husband in case he didn't hear the doctor. "OK," said the doctor, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." The old man didn't hear the doctor so he turned to his wife and yelled, "What does he want?" The old lady yelled back to her husband, "He wants you to leave your underpants here." The wife of a preacher talks to her Sunday School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had last week. The other day I went up to the local Christian book store where I saw a "Honk if you Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at church, so I bought that bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car. I'm really glad that I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I did not notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus or I may have never noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD, Go! . . . . Go! Jesus Christ! Just Go!" Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. "There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenager son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst into laughter. Why, even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their car and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but that is when I noticed that the light had changed so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection. I was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them and all that love that we had shared so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such a wonderful experience. Honk if you love Jesus!!! Below you will find instructions on how to access a little flight simulator that was inexplicably hidden by precipitation-maddened programmers deep inside Excel 97. 1) Open Excel 97 2) Open a blank worksheet 3) Press F5 4) Type X97:L97 in the "reference" box 5) Click OK 6) Hit your tab key once (you should end up in cell M97) 7) Hold down CTRL + SHIFT and click once on the chart wizard icon (the one on the tool bar with the blue-yellow-red bar chart) Welcome aboard!! After a few moments you should be flying. Steer with the mouse, accelerate and decelerate with the left and right mouse buttons respectively and look for the monoliths with the programmer credits. Enjoy the flight... A turkey was chatting with a bull: "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. HIS & HER ATM MACHINES HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt 5. Drive away HERS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Back up and pull forward to get closer 3. Shut off engine 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it 9. Enter PIN number 10. Study instructions. 11. Hit "cancel" 12. Reenter correct PIN 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for ballpoint pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. Stop 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in reverse 38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Drive 3 miles 41. Release parking brake ADELAIDE ISSUES SOS FOR SEMEN 6/18/99 0:21 Sydney (dpa) - A public spirited Australian is single-handedly keeping Adelaide's sperm bank in business, news reports said Friday. ``We have one donor who is actively donating at the moment, all the rest is from previous donations,'' Steve Robson, the head of the University of Adelaide's reproductive unit, told Australia's AAP news agency. ``We haven't had a single new donor in the past two years.'' Robson said advertising in a local football magazine had failed to entice community-minded young men to come to the aid of the 100 childless couples registered with the unit. ``We thought that might be a reasonable target audience but as it was we didn't get a single call so maybe we did have our target slightly wrong there,'' Robson said. Men from other states had not volunteered their efforts and the possibility of importing sperm from surplus countries was actively being considered. ``We really do have a very serious under-supply of donated sperm at the moment,'' Robson said. The identity of Adelaide's sperm donor is being kept a secret. dpa sa bo Three Irishmen are being treated by a speech therapist for stuttering. The therapist is a real looker and very curvy. She is finding it very difficult to make any progress with the three men and so she decides to try a reward system. She tells the three that she will have sex with anyone of them who can tell her where theywere born without stuttering. The first Irishman stands up, says, "B-B-B-B-Belf-f-f-f-ast" and sits down in disappointment. The second Irishman says "D-D-D-Dublin" and also sits down with a sad face. The third Irishman says "London". In amazement the therapist immediately grabs him, takes into the next room, from where there are sounds of frantic lovemaking. After half an hour they return and the Irishman has a stupid, satisfied grin on his face. Before restarting the session the therapist asks if there's is anything that any of the men would like to say. The third Irishman raises his hands and continues "d-d-d-d-erry" HEALTH INSURANCE The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan." RED NECK HUMOR Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen. What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved. What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? Nice tooth! Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky: "Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad." How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead." How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck. What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia? In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor. What is a Redneck's defense in court? "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence." Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools! What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A documentary. What do they call it in Kentucky? "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous." How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars. Why did God invent armadillos? So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell. ---------- Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? "There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" --------- A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?" The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?" The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable."Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?""After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday." "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day" "Does anyone know another word.""I do! I do!" replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word.""Saturday." says Mike."Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says,"Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful." "No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables." You Know You're Greek when: 1- You eat Vanilla with a spoon from the jar. 2- You have at least 2 kitchens in your house and a lamb roaster in your backyard. 3-Your parents keep the unclaimed $$$$$ under the siggie (sink) 4-Daughter(s) know how to keep the bathrooms sparkling clean but refuse to prove this. 5-Kids have been hit with 1 of the following objects in their life time: Wooden Spoon, badofla (Slipper), louri (Belt). 6-Make up your own Greek-american language :For e.g. Carro (car), Moovare (move), Aleveta (Elevator,) Washamashini (washer machine), bassi (bus). 7-You can always go to yiayia (grandma) or papou (grandpa) to curse out your parents and so you feel better. 8-Have caught being given the evil eye by your mother in public and you have mastered ignoring it. 9-You were the last one to get cable on your block, but the first to have it legally. 10-Dread kissing everone at family gatherings, because you wind up smelling like armpits at the end of the night. 11- Get embarrased by Mom or Dad in stores because they expect the Greek discount and asks to waive the tax if they pay in cash. 12- At Greek Weddings the karta (card) is determined on the amount of food, the type of band, if the couple is Greek and whether you are convinced the marriage will last. An advertising guru parks his brand new Porsche, and just as he swing the door open to get out, a truck speeds by and completely tears it off. The Ad guy, ready to kill, grabs his mobile phone, dials his assistant and tells her to dial 000 immediately! Soon a cop pulls up, but before he can begin to speak the Ad guy starts screaming hysterically - his car, a work of art, which he just picked up, was completely ruined, would never be the same, reduced to junk, he can't drive around in a piece of junk, does the cop have any idea who he is - and then he proceeds to list his credits, exaggerating the successes a little. The cop calmly listens until he runs out of steam, then shaking his head says, "I can't believe how materialistic you advertising people are. You're all so focused on your precious possessions that you notice nothing else." "How can you say such a thing?" fires back the insulted Ad guy. The cop replies, "Did you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down?" "Shit!!!!! - My Rolex!" Redneck Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad & the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl & Gomer, were sent for. Daryl went in & the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over & Daryl looked & said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him & said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over & Gomer looked down & said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician. Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes..."