A Bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says,"What'll it be? "The man says," I'll have a pint", and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have a pint as well" says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and says "I suppose you want a drink, too." "The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't payin'!" So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says, "That'll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change. A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket.The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. The cat orders up a half and says, "But I ain't payin'!" Repeat of yesterday. The bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket. This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again. "The same?" asks the barman. "Well", says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich enquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch... but I ain't payin'!" The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "That'll be seven pounds twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven and twenty out of his pocket. As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can't contain his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know... how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?" "Well", says the man, "it's a long story. But basically,several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes." "That's fantastic", says the barkeep, "What did you wish for?" "Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there." "That's brilliant," says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live." "That's right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did" As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir... err, your friends there... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinkin' in here...?"The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy." Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust,tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter." One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!" Jungle Adventure A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air. The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up behind this "King of the Jungle" and slipped him the old sausage. So the gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips and starts pumping him in the butt as hard as he can. Then, he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off. He thinks it is the funniest thing he's ever done in his life, screwing the "King of the Jungle" in the rear end. The lion is shocked and upset, lets out a mighty ROAR and chases the gorilla through the jungle. Now, the gorilla can't run very fast and the lion keeps getting closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into a campsite, puts on some safari clothes and pith helmet, picks up a newspaper, sits down and holds it up to his face, and makes like he is reading it. Just then, the lion comes busting through the jungle. "RRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!" he says. "Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?" The gorilla starts shaking behind the paper. "Uh, you mean the one that just s-s-s-screwed you in the ass?" he stutters. The lion sits up with a start and says, "Jesus! It's in the paper already?" A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?" Taco Bell Lovers...TRUE STORY....... You'll never eat fast food again! This girl was really in a hurry one day so she just stopped off at a TacoBell and got a Chicken soft taco and ate it on the way home. Well that night she noticed her jaw was kind of tight and swollen. The next day it was a little worse, so she went to her doctor.He said she was just having an allergic reaction to something and gave her some cream to rub on her jaw to help. After a couple of days the swelling had just gotten worse and she could hardly move her jaw. She went back to her doctor to see what was wrong. Her doctor had no idea, so he started to run some tests. He scrubbed out the inside of her mouth to get tissue samples, and he also took some saliva samples.Well he found out what was wrong. Apparently her chicken soft taco had a pregnant roach in it that she ate!!!! The eggs then some how got into her saliva glands and she was incubating them. They had to remove a couple of layers of her inner mouth to get all the eggs out. If they hadn't figured out what was going on, the eggs would have hatched inside the lining of her mouth!!!!!!!!!! She's suing Taco Bell. The article can be found in the Nov. 19th NY Times. Grandma was dissatisfied with her sex life, so she went to Victoria's Secrets one day, looking for a new pair of panties. When the sales lady heard why she wanted them, she suggested a pair of bright red crotchless panties. Grandma decided to take them. Grandma rushed home with her new-found treasure of pleasure. She then put on the panties (and nothing else), lay down on the bed, and waited for grandpa to get home. When he arrived, Grandma called him to the bedroom. To Grandpa's surprise, he found Grandma laying on the bed with her legs spread wide open. She smiled at him and said, "So, Grandpa, you want some of this?" Grandpa replied, "Lord, NO, it ate a hole right through your panties!" 50th Wedding Anniversary There was this old couple getting ready to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. The old man went out shopping to find a really nice present for his wife. When he returned home, he found his wife standing on her head naked. For the life of him, he could not figure out what in the hell she was doing , so he asked,"Honey...what in God's name are you doing naked ,standing on your head??" "Well dear," she replied, "it is our 50th anniversary, and I was feeling kind of romantic...we are getting old, and I figured since you can't get it up anymore, you might as well drop it in." Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the spoon?" "Well, the restaurant owner hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analyses, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift." As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed; the waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flys. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter... "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of ... you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%" "Okay, that makes sense, but ... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others,...but I use the spoon." Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink. How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...." How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven! Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in! One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!" All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told! How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them. What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months-I don't like to interrupt her. Women are so unreasonable! My wife gets mad because every Saturday night I take a bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should she? What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them! Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep! Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!! Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering. Corporate Language Company Memo It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers, therefore, a list of TRY SAYING new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this? TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible. INSTEAD OF: No fucking way. TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me. TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with ... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit. TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit. TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in that project. INSTEAD OF: Its not my fucking problem. TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?!?! TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work. TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner? TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem? INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares? TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass. TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die motherfucker. TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass. TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary. TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass. TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks. TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss? TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Blow me. TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it. INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!!!! TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem. INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit. TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick. TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball busting bitch. TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing Ôhree nuns go to the zoo. They visit all the exhibits and then return to the gorilla for one last look. Sudddenly the gorilla goes wild! Hew crashes through the bars and has sex with one of the nuns repeatedly until the zoo keepers force him back in his cage. Well the nun goes ot hospital and spensd several days in recovery. On her last day her friends arrive to see how she is. Not surprisingly she is crying. The nuns ask......"Stop worrying sister you will recover" TO which the nun in hospital remarks "FORGET!!!! How can I forget........he has his way with me .......and for several days he does not ring ....he does not write....he does not visit....I feel so used!" Three Wishes As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a fairy godmother suddenly appeared and offered three wishes. "Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich." *****POOF**** Her rocking chair was turned to solid gold. "And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess." ****POOF***** She became an exquisite young woman, with a priceless crown of jewels. "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse woof. "Could you possibly make my dog a handsome prince?" ****POOF***** Before her stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared in awe, completely smitten. As he approached her knees weakened. He bent toward her, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered." A Koala bear picked up a hooker and took her to a hotel room. Once inside, the hooker removed her clothes, climbed onto the bed and said "What's your pleasure?" The Koala climbed onto the bed, parted her legs and went down on the hooker. The hooker was amazed at the Koala's oral skills and actually had a great time but, after all, business is still business. As the hooker was getting dressed, the Koala started heading for the door. The hooker said, "Excuse me darlin', aren't you forgetting something?" The Koala was puzzled. The hooker grabbed a dictionary, looked up "prostitute" and handed it to the Koala, pointing to the entry. PROSTITUTE: a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual practices in exchange for money. The Koala read this and looked up at the hooker with frustration. Indignantly, the Koala bear flipped through the dictionary to find "Koala" and handed it back to the hooker, pointing to the entry. KOALA: An Australian marsupial about two feet long that eats bushes and leaves. Ohe Horse and the Chicken: A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer cannot be found. The chicken drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his horse friend and drives the car forward, pulling the horse from the mud and saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So the horse stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my penis, and pull yourself up." The chicken did, and pulled himself to safety. THE MORAL OF THE STORY: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks. A man comes home and says to his wife, "Honey, I just won the Lottery. Pack your bags." The wife responds, "Should I pack for warm weather or cold?" "I don't care. Just be out of the house by noon." Insider's Guide To The Male Vocabulary: "Haven't I seen you before?" = "Nice ass." "I'm a Romantic." = "I'm poor." "I need you" = "My hand is tired." "I am different from all the other guys" = "I am not circumcised." "I want a commitment." = "I'm sick of masturbation." "You're the only girl I've ever cared about" = "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." "I really want to get to know you better." = "So I can tell my friends about it." "It's just orange juice, try it." = "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head." "She's kinda cute." = "I want to have sex with her till I am blue." "I don't know if I like her" = "She won't sleep with me." "I miss you so much" = "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good." "Was it good for you?" = "I'm insecure about my manhood." "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" = "Is my penis really that small?" "I had a wonderful time last night." = "Who the hell are you?" "Do you love me?" = "I've done something stupid and you might find out." "Do you 'really' love me?" = "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later." "How much do you love me?" = "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now." "I have something to tell you." = "Get tested." "I'll give you a call." = "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again." "I've been thinking a lot." = "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk." "I think we should just be friends." = "You're ugly." "I've learned a lot from you." = "Next!!!!" A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge." She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?" "No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead." Little Lucy Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy". "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven". Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy! "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy. ___________________________________________ Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota." The 25 Shortest Books of All Time -------------------------------------------- 25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson 24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres 23. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton 22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert 21. Human Rights Advances in China 20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman 19. Al Gore: The Wild Years 18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean 17. America's Most Popular Lawyers 16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors 15. Detroit - A Travel Guide 14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob" 13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches 12. Easy UNIX 11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance 10. Everything Men Know About Women 09. Everything Women Know About Men 08. French Hospitality 07. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names 06. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel 05. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette 04. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA 03. Staple Your Way to Success 02. The Amish Phone Directory And the number one World's Shortest Book: 01. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion Body Builder A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says "What a great chest you have", The bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite". He takes off his pants and the woman says "What massive calves you have", the bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite". He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment. The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up to her and asks her why she ran out of the apartment. The woman replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw what a short fuse you have". Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'. The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'". The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, and the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is 6'2"... he has plenty of money... broad square shoulders... terribly handsome... dresses very well... tight muscular body... tight hard buns... and a very nice bulge... and whenever he walks into a room...women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'." Different Views An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes Crimes of Intelligence A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. ------------------------------------------------- A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. ------------------------------------------------- Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself. ------------------------------------------------- Oklahoma City-Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying, and then said, "I should have blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence. ------------------------------------------------- R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri. ------------------------------------------------ A man walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. ------------------------------------------------- A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. Headache It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache." Subject: Darwin Awards Once again it is time to start thinking about casting your vote for the 1998 Darwin Award winner! As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who contribute to the gene pool by dying in spectacularly stupid ways before they breed (thankfully).The 1998 nominees are: NOMINEE No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." NOMINEE No. 3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas". Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized. NOMINEE No. 6: [The News of the Weird.], Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. NOMINEE NO. 7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited. NOMINEE No. 8: [AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death. NOMINEE No. 9: [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him. NOMINEE No. 10: [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. MD Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it, Payne said: "It wouldn't go off" and this guy said, "'I'll show you how to set it off." NOMINEE No. 11: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a birdfeeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. NOMINEE No. 12: [UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday that an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, OR. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that if Robert had tried to pull the arrow out he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." NOMINEE No. 13 The Calgary Sun Saturday, December 28, 1996, VANCOUVER (CP)-A man arguing over a love triangle accidentally shot himself in the groin, taking off his testicles and part of his penis. Police said the man was waving a .357 Magnum revolver around during the shouting match early yesterday. But when he stuffed it back in his pants the gun went off. Police were called to the hospital after the man in his 20s was brought in by friends. Charges are pending against the victim, who is expected to survive. AND FINALLY, NOMINEE No. 14!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his _____ off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Japanese Personality test: This is a simple personality test, supposedly developed in Japan. No one here claims to be learned in the social or psychological fields, but it is a fun test. Give it a try, then compare your results with your friends! You are in a desert. You have with you the following five animals: Lion Monkey Sheep Cow Horse To escape the desert you are going to have to get rid of one of your animals. Which one do you drop? Write it down on a piece of paper. You have 4 animals left. The desert is burning up! It goes on for miles. Sand is everywhere. You realize, to get out,y ou are going to have drop another animal. Which do you drop? You have 3 animals left. Walk, walk, walk. Hot, hot, hot. Disaster! The Oasis that you were looking for is dried up! You have no choice but to drop another animal. You have 2 animals left. Ok, it's a long hot walk. You can see the edge of the desert way on the horizon. Unfortunately, you can only leave the desert with ONE animal. Which one do you drop? These answers are based on Japanese Archetypes. The desert represents a hardship. The animals represent . . . Lion Pride Monkey Your Children Sheep Friendship Cow Basic Needs Horse Your Passion So, in the face of hardship, you will sacrifice each of these things in turn. Your last animal represents that thing which you cling to at the expense of all others. Never underestimate the woman behind the man. Bill and Hillary are out for a drive in the countryside back home near Little Rock. They're low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the First Couple's tank. While he's pumping. he looks into the passenger window and sees a familiar face. "Hey, Hillary. Do you remember me? We used to date in high school," he says. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays for the gas and the First Couple drives off. A few minutes later Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "So, you used to date that guy?" he says smugly. "Just think what life would be like if you had married him." Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President." JET FUEL A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar in Atlanta Airport; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other "Man, have you got anything to drink?" "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel that'll kinda give you a buzz." So they do, get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinkin' buddies can. The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up. But it doesn't. He gets up and feels good; in fact, he feels great - NO hangover! The phone rings; it's his buddy. The buddy says "Hey, how do you feel?" He said, "I feel great!!" The other guy says, "I feel great, too!! You don't have a hangover?" The first guy says, "No. No hangover. That jet fuel is great stuff! We ought to do this more often." Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Did you fart yet?" "What??" "Did you FART yet??" "No..." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix. How to annoy people HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice) Find out where your boss shops, and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Insist that your e-mail address be: mailto: zena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. Suggest that the Coke machine be filled with beer. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'. Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. For a relaxing break, get away from it all in the fish tank with mask and snorkel. If no one notices, ditch the snorkel and see how many fish you can catch in your mouth. Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc. in the break-room. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that." Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." Practice making fax and modem noises. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then give them to your boss. Finish all your sentences with: "in accordance with the prophecy." Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way. Dont use any punctuation As often as possible, skip rather than walk. Ask people what sex they are. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'. Stomp on plastic ketchup packets. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Honk and wave at strangers. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, then eat the complimentary mints by the cash register. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE. type only in lowercase. Sing along at the opera. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. And the final way to annoy people: Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this. Penis Names This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck", he says, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy own at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies." The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job 1." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!" The following are the top four winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine. "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter" ******************************************************************** "It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone "As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled,'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again." -Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, NewYork ******************************************************************* One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" ******************************************************************** A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there could be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family... A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter... When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand... ******************************************************************** Sing to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies... Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill; Da poor president couldn't keep his willie still; Den one day he was workin' at his desk, When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest... Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's. Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees, Mouth open wide and as happy as you please; Bill sez, "oh yeah now-don't say a thing," "If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling." Blow job, that is. Phalli osculation. Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress, He said, "Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess, And you're invited here to dis fine locality, To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C." Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff. So week after week, Monica is on her knees Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please, But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far, And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr. Bad girl, that is. Cigars. Bodacious ta ta's. Well it weren't too long till we all knew the score, 'bout da stuff dat went down behind da oval office door; Da country's in da toilet and da people cry, "No More" But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, den we gotta live with Gore. Boob, that is. Great big one. Head stuck up his rear. So now ya know da story 'bout Bill our president, Wonderin' if dis fling's gonna cost him every cent; So da moral of da story is to do it quietly, And stay outta trouble with dat bitch named Hillary. Bill and Hillary Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colorful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes, he does," the manager told her. "But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" she asked. "Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whorehouse and his language is terrible." "Well, I want him," she said. "Suit yourself," the manager shrugged. When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam." Hillary laughed. Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. "New house, new whores," the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hillary explained about the bird's history, they too, laughed at him. A few minutes later the President entered the living quarters. The parrot looked up from his feeder and said " Hi Bill". FIVE LESSONS ON LIFE The Important Things Life Teaches You... 1 ~ Most Important Question During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'. "I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy. ~2 ~ Pickup in the Rain One night, at 11:30 PM, an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her - generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxi cab. She seemed to be in a big hurry! She wrote down his address, thanked him and drove away. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes but my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others." Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole ~ 3 ~ Always remember those who serve In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it. "How much is a dish of plain ice cream?" he inquired. Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely. The little boy again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed. When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies - her tip. ~ 4 ~ The Obstacle in Our Path In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the big stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. On approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. As the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many others never understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve one's condition. ~ 5 ~ Giving Blood Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at Stanford Hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save Liz." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?" Being young, the boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood. Attitude, after all, is everything. After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences. 1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling. 3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf. Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. DIXIE DOODLE The top things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening... 40. "Oh I just couldn't, hell, she's only sixteen." 39. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex" 38. Duct tape won't fix that. 37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. 36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. 35. We don't keep firearms in this house. 34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? 33. You can't feed that to the dog. 32. I thought Graceland was tacky. 31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 30. Wrasslin's fake. 29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 28. We're vegetarians. 27. Do you think my gut is too big? 26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 25. Honey, we don't need another dog. 24. Who's Richard Petty? 23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 21. Spittin is such a nasty habit. 20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 19. Trim the fat off that steak. 18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 17. The tires on that truck are too big. 16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. 15. I've got it all on the C drive. 14. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? 12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. 9. Checkmate. 8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? 6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 5. I don't have a favorite college team. 4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. 3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. 1. "Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight." THE PANTS IN THE FAMILY A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants, "she said. "That's right," said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said' "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your f***ing attitude changes!" CANDIDATES It is time to elect a world leader and your vote counts. Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates. Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college, and drinks a quart of brandy every evening. Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs. Which of these candidates is your choice?? scroll down Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt Candidate B is Winston Churchill Candidate C is Adolph Hitler Kind of scary, eh?