A little boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. *Not yet*, said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?* he asks. *Well*, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning. Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, *Are You going to tell him, or should I ??* IRAQI TV GUIDE MONDAY 8:00 Husseinfeld 8:30 Mad About Everything 9:00 Suddenly Sanctions 9:30 Allah McBeal TUESDAY 8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror 8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right 9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things 9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers WEDNESDAY 8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer 8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy 9:00 Just Shoot Me 9:30 Veilwatch THURSDAY 8:00 Everybody Loves Achmed 8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H 9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses 9:30 My Two Baghdads FRIDAY 8:00 Judge Saddam 8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things 9:00 Achmed's Creek Island Life There are beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman 2 New Zealand men 1 New Zealand woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions. The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them 'bloody wankers". One New Zealand man is having sex with the New Zealand woman, the other Kiwi is searching the island for sheep. The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any. Funny One Liners What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. ~*~ What's the definition of macho? Jogging home from your own vasectomy. ~*~ I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me. ~*~ What's the weather like in Tahoe? Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree. ~*~ Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. ~*~ What's Slick Willie's new nickname? President-erect. ~*~ What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name? Unibanger. ~*~ What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton? Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference. ~*~ What is the difference between Monica Lewinsky and a Hoover vacuum? Where the DirtBag attaches. ~*~ If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest which one would win? Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that harass is one word. ~*~ What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic? We know how many went down on the Titanic. ~*~ What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a greedy politician? Chelsea! ~*~ What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton? His faces. ~*~ The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it. DO U KNOW HOW TO MAKE LOVE CAKE ? Ingredients : 2 laughing eyes 2 loving arms 2 well-shaped legs 2 firm milk containers 2 large nuts 1 large banana 1 fur-lined mixing bowl Method : 1. look into laughing eyes and fold in loving arms. 2. spread well shaped legs 3. squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased, check frequently with middle finger. 4. add banana 5. work in and out until creamed 6. cover the nuts 7. squeeze generously with whipped cream. 8. cake is done when banana is soft. Note : 1. Be sure to wash mixing utensils 2. Shake well after & before use 3. Don't lick the Bowl after creamed. Warning : If cake rises, leave town immediately. Da Wittle Birdy Once upon a time there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper mister?" "A bird" the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and next thing I know I'm here." The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow? " After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs and set its nest on fire. Think About It... Life is sexually transmitted. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that). Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself). When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. A closed mouth gathers no feet. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Closest Thing to a Husband A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law." Why you should drink beer: A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That`s why you always feel smarter after a few beers. HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM * One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago * One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York * One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston * One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A. * Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. * Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy * One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle * One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male * One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male * One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female * Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia * Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida Top 25 Things A Wife Won't Say 1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste. 2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? 3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy! 4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies? 5. That was a great fart! Do another one! 6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. 7. You're so sexy when you're hungover. 8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. 9. Let's subscribe to Hustler. 10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? 11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses. 12. I'll be out painting the house. 13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too. 14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see! 15. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again? 16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed. 17. Your mother is way better than mine. 18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs. 19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever. 20. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Heather over for a threesome! 21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint! 22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8. 23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings. 24. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust! 25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya... RED NECK LOVE POEM Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue, And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flappin' in the breeze. Softer than Blue's, and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excites me in May. You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway. You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yore as fragrant as SunDrop, right out of the can. You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits, Well, I'm in hawg heaven! Plumb outta my wits! And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore. 'Cuz you married me, back in '74. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape, yore there fer yore man, To patch up life's troubles, and stick 'em in the can. Yore as strong as a four-wheeler, racin' through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger, named Naomi Judd. Yore as cute as a junebug, a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like no far ant, upon which I oft' tread. Cut from the best pattern, like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life, like a Rattletrap shad. When you hold me real tight, like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'. And when you get old, like a '57 Chevy, Won't put you on blocks, and let grass grow up heavy. Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank, We go together; like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate, for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart; it's romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day From the cooler at Kroger; "That's impressive," I say. Some men buy fine diamonds, from a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, these will not do. For you are too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, Better than diamonds; It's a new trollin' motor! DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE ENGLISH & AMERICANS: John Cleese was on American TV recently and was asked for the difference between English and American people. In reply he said that there were three differences: 1. We speak English and you don't. 2. When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries. 3. When you meet a head of state in England, you only have to go down on one knee. EURO SOPHISTICATES LAUGH AT PRUDISH AMERICANS While the Lewinsky scandal continues to rage on the front of American newspapers, a much different reaction has developed on this side of the Atlantic. To world-wise, sophisticated Europeans, the spectacle is a curious sideshow and another reason to mock and disdain the puritan morals of their American counterparts. "You feelthy Americans, you make me seek," says sneering French graduate student Serge Tati, 47, expressing a common sentiment. Fashionably clad in a horizontal stripe t-shirt and skin-tight Speedo, he was recently relaxing on the Lido with his mistress Yvette LaFleur, 43. Like thousands of fellow French graduate students, he was enjoying his annual 28-week vacation. "Beel Clinton, he is Euro, no? He eez moderne, he eez "now". He has joie de vivre. He ravages zee young geerls. In my country, we geeve heem a medal, no?" asks Tati, deeply drawing on a clove cigarette. "Oui, like Jerry Lewees," adds the topless LaFleur, carefully combing her leg hair. "And yet you treat heem like a common creeminal," noted Tati. "Ptui! You I speet on you, pheelistine American peegs! Wiss your 'amburgairs and your soap! Ha-ha, we laugh at you!" he added, shaking his pinched fingers in a Euro-expression of disgust. The interview abruptly ended when a nearby sunbather was angered after being slapped by one of Tati's errant hand gestures. Tati and the sunbather proceeded to engage in a furious kicking and slapping fight, beforefleeing in terror after spotting a German tourist. At EuroDisney in Fontainbleu, many visitors were likewise perplexed by Americans' scandal obsession. "Mitterand, he eez to having many affairs, no? We adore heem as a god," explains Jacqueline Robspierre, 28, an adverb specialist at the French Ministry of Language Purity. "You puny insignificant Americans, you treat Beel Clinton as eef he were a mere mortal." Herve Souci agrees. Like thousands of other EuroDisney workers, Souci, 39, is on strike demanding government designation as an 'artiste,' which, if granted, will translate into a 47 week annual vacation. "Zee American -how you say?--right-wingair, he eez blind. He cannot see zee simple beauty of Beel Clinton, of zee Jean-Luc Goddard feelm, of zee European football," says Souci, removing the head of his Mickey Mouse costume for a drink of wine. "Merde! How I pity and despise you," he adds, pausing to kick two children attempting to cross the picket line. Across the English Channel and long accustomed to their own lurid sex scandals, Britons appear to find the Lewinsky affair somewhat boring. At the Rat and Arse, a picturesque pub in London's Mayfair section, a group of locals discusses the scandal over a traditional lunch of boiled sheep pancreas, bitter spleen pie, rancid chocolate and warm beer. "We do have a 'special relationship' with you Yanks, but I must say you have gone a bit bonkers over this Lewinsky business," laughs Nigel Ealing, 32, a quality reduction engineer at Jaguar. "It reminds one of your obsession with plumbing, dentistry and shampoo." Collin Framinghampton-Smythe, an unemployed soccer hooligan for the Third Division Shitechestershire United football club, agreed. "Bloody 'ell, you 'aven't got a single snapshot of 'er knickers." "Shut your bloody gob, ya great girl's blouse," added his friend Derek Hobson, playfully smashing a pint glass into Framinghampton-Smythe's face, dislodging four of his remaining teeth before vomiting on the snooker table. In Amsterdam, perhaps Europe's most cosmopolitan city, the locals openly laugh at the perceived Puritanism of their American cousins. "Americans, they must have hangups, many many hangups, not like we open minded Dutch," says leather-hooded, whip-wielding Mistress EriKa, 67, a performer at Amsterdam's Elderslutz, a government-operated live sex show featuring senior citizens. The show was created by the Dutch government to provide jobs for unemployed elderly prostitutes. Bart TenBoek, 42, a government-employed heroin addict, agrees. "Bill Clinton is a hero. He is a model of Eurostyle for the backward Americans. No. Wait a minute. He is a tree. A big glowing, pink tree. Flying across the sky making a beautiful, beautiful rainbow," notes TenBoek, drooling uncontrollably as he collapses into a fetal position. In Milan, where 'amore' is way of life, the citizenry is solidly behind President Clinton. "Si, Beel Clinton is magnifico," says Giancarlo Leone, 32, an unemployed movie extra and father of twelve. "He is - how you say- my-a hero." "Ciao, bella! Bellisima, Bellisima," he compliments a passing girl, pausing to make smooching sounds as he pinches her hindquarters. "Ow!" he adds painfully, fleeing on his rusting Vespa to avoid another flowerpot from his wife, who is screaming from a nearby balcony. Helga Ericksson, 54, an official with the Swedish Ministry of Furniture and Suicide in Stockholm, agrees. "Yah, Americans are fascists. They moost embrace Clinton. Like ve Svedes embrace depression and death." Germans Dieter Schaden, 28, and Igo Sturmunddrang, 34, have a message for scandal-obsessed Americans. "Ja, get mitten der twentiest century," says the couple, between acts of their bondage and discipline show at a dark Berlin discotheque. Jane Kirschner, style editor at the New York Times and a longtime Europhile, feels embarrassment over American scandalmania. "All across the continent, they are laughing at our backward, prudish, puritan morals. I almost feel too ashamed to go to there anymore," she say, sipping a cup of black espresso. Kirschner thinks the continentals are on to something. "We have a lot to learn from them. Americans need to become more open-minded and jaded. We need to adopt sophisticated European ways, like $8 per gallon gasoline and 145% tax brackets." The recent election gives Kirschner some hope, though. "Apparently, Americans aren't as hung up on this scandal as the media thought." "Thankfully, we are becoming more like the Europeans." RICHARD NIXON, JIMMY CARTER, AND BILL CLINTON ARE ON THE TITANIC. When it starts to sink... CARTER: "Quick, save the women and children!" NIXON: "Fuck the women and children." CLINTON: "Do we have time?" ------------------------------------------------------------------ Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and and Bill Clinton get caught up in a tornado and transported to the Yellow Brick Road, where they make their way to the Wizard of Oz. The Wizard asks what each wants. "I want a brain," says Quayle; "I want a heart", says Gingrich. "Where's Dorothy ?" asks Clinton. ------------------------------------------------------------------- What did Arafat say to Clinton? "Sheep don't talk, my friend" ------------------------------------------------------------------- What did Clinton say when he heard Paula Jones was speaking to the press? "NOW she opens her mouth" ------------------------------------------------------------------- -- What's the definition of an Arkansas virgin? Any woman who can run faster than the governor. ------------------------------------------------------------------- What does bill clinton say to Hilary after sex ? "Hi honey, i'll be home in 20 minutes." ------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the similarity between Bill Clinton and a carpenter? One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart. ------------------------------------------------------------------- The National Opinion Bureau of the United States (NOBUS) has today published an opinion poll conducted amongst female staff in the White House on Friday. They were asked 'Would you ever sleep with the President?' Of the 97 replies, 2 reponded "yes", 4 "never" and the other 91 "never again." ------------------------------------------------------------------- Do you know why Clinton doesn`t play his saxophone anymore? `Cause he is playing with his horeMonika. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Clinton is sitting in the Oval Office when one of his aides comes rushing in... "Mr President, Sir, What are we going to do about this abortion bill?" "Just pay it" says the president. ------------------------------------------------------------------A question for Bill Clinton: "What was Miss Lewinsky's most memorable feature?" Answer: "She has the whitest teeth I've ever come across" ------------------------------------------------------------------- Hillary Clinton's new name: Cleopatra - queen of denial ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why does Bill drink so much coffee and Coca-Cola? He is required to "stay up" for many hours to satisfy the needs of his staff. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is Chelsea upset about Zippergate? Her dad is getting laid more often that she is. And she's in college! In California! ------------------------------------------------------------------- What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name? Unibanger ------------------------------------------------------------------- If Clinton gets impeached, it will actually be the first time a president was BLOWN out of the White House ------------------------------------------------------------------- -- What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume? "Sat on the Presidential Staff " MEN How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them. __________________ Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time. __________________ Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop to ask directions. __________________ What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being. __________________ How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer. __________________ What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature. __________________ Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them. __________________ How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened. __________________ Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends. __________________ What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow. __________________ When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it. __________________ What are a woman's four favorite animals? A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all. __________________ Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. __________________ __________________ How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes. ___________________ What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that. ___________________ What did God say after creating Eve? "Practice makes perfect." ___________________ How are men and parking spots alike? Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small. ___________________ What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married. ___________________ Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you. Let there be Dogs and Cats It is reported that the following part of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?" And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it come to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility. And the Lord said, " No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cats eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other. tax UPdate: The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time, it's hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it's pissed off, 30% of the time it's hard up, 10% of the time it's in the hole. On top of all this, it has two dependants, and they're both nuts. Accordingly, starting January 1, 1999, penises will be taxed according to size !!! To determine the category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on page 2, Section 7, Line 3, of the standard 1040P form. 10 to 12 inches......Luxury Tax.............$ 50.00 8 to 10 inches......Pole Tax...............$ 30.00 6 to 8 inches......Privilege Tax..........$ 15.00 4 to 6 inches......Nuisance Tax...........$ 5.00 PLEASE NOTE : Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION! ***** Males exceeding 12 inches must file Capital Gains Sincerely, Pecker Checker Internal Revenue Service.