Santa's Diversion Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch. Santa declined, saying "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know." Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear. "OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she begged. Taking a long look, Santa sighed and delivered a not too believable, "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know." Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said in the sexiest voice imaginable, "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?" With a very pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said very slowly, "Ho - ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know." And with that, he turned and left. Two minutes passed, and Santa reappeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful girl. "Santa! You decided to stay!" she exclaimed gleefully. Santa grinned and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!" THE HOLIDAYS A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!" Fun With Saddam & Bill Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for a round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!" A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?" A man and woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married, his new wife told the man "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it". In all their 40 years of marriage he honored her request and never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of him and he cautiously lifted the lid and peeked inside the box. In the box he found 3 empty beer bottles and $187.25 in small bills. He closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that he knew what was in the box, curiosity was doubled as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the man could no longer contain his curiosity and confessed, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was just too much. I gave in and looked in the box. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?" The woman thought for a while and answered "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." The man was stunned and said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess during those years when I traveled away from home on business temptation would happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the man asked his wife, "What about all that money in the box?" To which she answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in." " TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE IMPEACHMENT " by Chris Duel 'Twas The Night Before Impeachment, when all through the House, All the Congress was stirring, even Livingston, the louse. The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care, In hopes that Saint Bubba would be trapped in the lair. The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds, While visions of perjury danced in their heads. And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap, Had just settled in for a long evening's nap. When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter They clicked on CNN to see what was the matter. When what to their wondering eyes should appear But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer. With a Presidential address, so lively and quick, They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick! More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came, And he whistled and shouted and called them by name: "Now Conyers, now Gephardt, let's forget about The Vixen! On Barney! On Maxine! I'm no Richard Nixon!!!" "From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall, Now dash away, dash away, dash away all !!!" And then the Republicans heard on the roof The prancing and pawing of each little hoof. As they scratched their heads and were turning around The resilient Saint Willie scored another rebound. No longer was he eating from his humble pie, While assaulting Saddam with his bombs from the sky. A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq, It looked once again like Slick Willie was back. His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry. His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, And the hair on his head was as white as the snow. The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth, And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath. He had a broad face and a little round belly That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly. He was chubby and plump - a right jolly old elf, And the Republicans wept, in spite of themselves. And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head Soon gave them to know they had something to dread. He spoke the right words and went straight to his work Hard to believe that an Intern once called him "The Jerk." And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose, By "Wagging The Dog," up the polls he rose. He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle, Then they cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile. They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight, "Happy Ramadan to all, and to all a good night." This blonde is at a vending machine, so she inserts money, pushes a button and out comes a Coke. She is somewhat amazed by this and she proceeds by inserting another coin, pushing a button and getting her Coke. This time she is extremely excited. She sets the two Cokes down and continues to buy more and more and more until she had over 50 Cokes surrounding her. Two guys walk by and witness her at the vending machine surrounded by cans of Coke. Curious, one asks the blonde, "What are you doing?" The blonde turns to them, rolling her eyes, and replies, "Duh! I'm winning!" Subject: Fw: the body All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. "I should be in charge", said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen". "I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away". "I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy". "I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal". All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss. The moral of the story? You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole. This story occurred on a Melbourne, Australia radio station lastoliday to the Bahamas. Last week the competition went like this: Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ? Brian: Yeah, sure. Presenter:- O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex? Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning. Presenter:- And how long did it go for, Brian ? Brian: Errrrr .... about 10 minutes. Presenter:- 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate ? Brian:- Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that. Presenter:- There's a holiday to the Bahamas at stake here Brian Brian:- O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table. Presenter:- (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one - now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ? Brian:- Yeah, alright. DIALING .... Ring, Ring.... Presenter:- Hi Sharelle, how are you ? Sharelle:- Hi, Good thanks. Presenter:- (Explains competition again) We've got Brian your husband on the other line, say hello. Sharelle:- Hi Brian. Brian:- Hi Sharelle. Presenter:- Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to the Bahamas. Brian:- Just tell the truth Honey. Sharelle:- O.K. Presenter:- Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ? Sharelle:- Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio. Brian:- Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them. Sharelle:- O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning, before Brian went to work. Presenter:- Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle.. ? Sharelle:- (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes. Co-Presenter:- That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman. Presenter:- O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it.? Sharelle:- Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no. Presenter:- There's a trip to the Bahamas on the line here. Brian:- Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway... just tell em. Sharelle:- Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse ! Radio Silence Advertisement Presenter:- Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break....... Three married men were waiting at Heaven's gates. They were all in line to get the vehicle they would be driving around in Heaven for the rest of eternity. The first guy steps up to a little desk where a short angel asks the man, "How many times have you cheated on your wife?" "Well," the man said, "only ten." So the angel gives the man a beaten up Chevy Pickup. The next guy steps up to the desk and admits to the angel that he cheated on his wife five times. The angel gives him a Subaru Outback. And finally, the last guy stands there and tells the angel proudly, "I've never, ever cheated on my wife." So the angel gives the man a Dodge Viper. A few weeks later the three men meet at an intersection. The two guys with the bad cars notice the man in the Viper with his head down and looking all bummed out, so they walk over to the Viper and ask the man, "What's the matter? You got the best car in Heaven!" The man sadly replies, "I just saw my wife riding a bicycle!" ************** A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow." *********** A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog regrettably is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$350." "$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would have only charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan." _____________________________________________________________ A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so". "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the frontdoor? They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake." He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "Hello............. Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead? I don't think so." REDNECK BIRTH CONTROL After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger doublewide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when henoticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.