A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'...know how to make them truly happy..." The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?" The Beer Test Scientists have revealed that beer contains a small trace of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 males 12 cans of beer each and observed the results. 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional and couldn't drive. No further testing was necessary. You know you're getting old when . . . you bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes. Bad Quotes... Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but I can't remember what they are." -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22 "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C. "They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle "The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet." -- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars. "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."-- John Wayne "Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle POLITICIANS and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. "Yo mama so fat" jokes: - she lay on the beach and people ran around yelling: "Free Willy!" - when she wears a yellow raincoat people say: "Taxi!" - she had to go to Sea World to get baptized. - she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller. - when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge. - she's got her own area code. - she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book. - every time she walks on high heels, she strikes oil. - she fell and made the Grand Canyon. - she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in. - she got hit by a parked car. - she stands in two time zones. - when she wears a Malcolm X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back. - she was Miss Arizona - class Battleship. - when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up. - she's been declared a natural habitat for condors. - she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world. - when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride her. - sets of car alarms when she runs. - she was zoned for commercial development. - when she gets on the scale, it says we don't do livestock. - when she plays hopscotch she goes New York, L.A., Chicago... - the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures. - when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. Top 41 Little-Used Euphemisms For Sex 41. Trading "The Big Unit" to Houston 40. Taking the Holland Tunnel 39. Getting season tickets to the WNBA 38. Recharging the Dustbuster 37. Interning at the White House 36. Sinking the Titanic 35. Oral arguments before the Supreme Court 34. Shootin' hoops 33. Jumping the turnstile 32. Vacuuming under the Oval Office Desk 31. Sending out for sushi 30. Double-scoop of cookies'n'cream 29. Picnic on the grass 28. Carving a new president on Mt. Rushmore 27. Milkin' Bessie 26. Freeing the hostages 25. Supersizing your Big Mac 24. Doubling down on a hard 8 23. Building a bridge to the 21st century 22. Frosting the cruller 21. Wind surfing with Dick Van Patten 20. Ballot-stuffing 19. Researching a letter to Penthouse 18. Synchronized sinning 17. Swiping the ATM card 16. Vacationing Down Under 15. Catcher in the rye 14. Tethering the blimp 13. Having your Greg Dharma'ed 12. Waxing Air Force One 11. Downloading 10. Ordering potato skins 9. Team pushups 8. Winning Powerball 7. "You've got male" 6. Saving Ryan's Privates 5. Puff Daddy 4. Giving the one-gun salute 3. Quarter Pounder at the Golden Arches 2. www-ing until you dot com 1. Shaking hands with the President. MANLINESS ASSESSMENT: Please take the following Manliness Assessment..... 1) In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as: a. lovemaking b. screwing c. the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town 2) You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: a. your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship b. your blood-test results c. five tequila slammers 3) You time your orgasm so that: a. your partner climaxes first b. you both climax simultaneously c. you don't miss SportsCenter 4) Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: a. healthy, creative love-play b. not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to c. not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about 5) Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: a. the best part of the experience b. the second best part of the experience c. $100 extra 6) Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is: a. no concern of yours b. not a problem, she can join your gym c. a conservative estimate 7) You think today's sensitive, caring man is: a. a myth b. an oxymoron c. a moron 8) Foreplay is to sex as: a. appetizer is to entree b. primer is to paint c. a line is to an amusement park ride 9) Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship: a. "I hope we can still be friends" b. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep" c. "Welcome to Dumpsville; population, YOU." 10) A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: a. probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy b. is uptight and a waste of time c. shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place Evaluating the results: If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man. If you answered "b" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're more than a little confused. If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!" BASIC COMBAT RULES --If the enemy is in range, so are you. --Incoming fire has the right of way. --Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. --The easy way is always mined. --Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. --The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions --When you're ready for them; When you're not ready for them. --Teamwork is essential: it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at. --If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you. --If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. --Don't draw fire: it irritates the people around you. --When the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not our friend. --If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid. --When in doubt, empty the magazine. --Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you. --Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing. --Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. --Mines are equal opportunity weapons. --A Purple Heart just proves that you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive. --Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer. --The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small. --Five-second fuses only last three seconds Next time you think you're having a bad day recall that---- 1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale. 2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded. 3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off. 4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman. 5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And the capper....... 6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. Here's hoping your day is better than any of these Pssssst! This is a secret. When John Glenn returns from space, everybody dress in ape suits. Pass it on. We have 9 days to bury the statue of liberty A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around her, and tells her husband that he can get in the shower. As he enters the shower, the doorbell rings. The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs. When she opens the door, she sees her neighbor, Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form. He pulls out two new hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist. She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money. Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them if she will just let the towel go altogether. She figures she's come this far, so what the heck, and drops the towel to the ground. Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves. When she goes back upstairs, her husband has completed his shower and asks her who was at the door. She says "Just Bill." The husband replies, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?" Easter Eggs: Pleasure Or Problem? The recent publicity of an elaborate Excel 97 Easter Egg has rekindled the controversy. Read carefully an you will be amazed. In programming "Easter Eggs" are defined as "undocumented functions hidden in a program. Easter Eggs are secret 'goodies' that are found by accident or word of mouth." They often include animated credits listing everyone who worked on the program containing the Easter Egg. They’re frequently complicated and are sometimes quite amusing. The most recent stir is that an amazingly complex virtual-reality Easter Egg is hidden inside Excel 97. To activate the Excel 97 Easter Egg doing the following: - On a new worksheet, press F5. - Type X97:L97 and press the Enter key. - Press Tab once. - Hold Ctrl-Shift and click on the Chart Wizard button. At this point, your screen will go black and then fill with a surreal alien landscape. Your point of view is just above the surface, and you can “fly” by using the mouse -- the right button moves you forward, the left button puts you in reverse. You also can bank and change altitude by pushing the mouse around. Somewhere in this landscape (you have to fly around to find it), there’s a dark monolith with the Excel programming teams’ names scrolling up the slab’s inclined face. As Easter Eggs go, this is one of the most elaborate I’ve ever seen. It’s kind of cool. It’s certainly unexpected. It’s even fun. But it also consumes space within the program’s EXE or DLLs. And you have to wonder if the time and energy that went into the Easter Egg would have been better spent debugging or improving the application instead -- especially in light of the recent discussions about very serious flaws in some of today’s most popular software. Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - tower, elastic cord, insurance,etc... They travel to Mexico and begin to set up in the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. After they have everything ready, they decide to give the crowd a demonstration. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up, he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a pinata?" Barbie's Letter To Santa Dear Santa, Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown(and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1999. . . 1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite! 3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? if I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct. 4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct. 5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done. 6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery. 7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec! 8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum. 9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl. 10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it. Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple Yours Truly, Barbie ----------------------------------- Ken's Letter To Santa Dear Santa, I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night. Sincerely, Ken TOP 20 ANSWERS TO: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? #20 Colonel Sanders: I missed one? #19 L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out. #18 Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told! #17 Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. #16 Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. #15 Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. #14 Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. #13 Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability. #12 Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. #11 Ronald Reagan: What chicken? #10 Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. #9 Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? #8 Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. #7 Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. #6 Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Coop 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. #5 Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? #4 Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York. #3 The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken. "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. #2 Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. AND THE #1 MOST POPULAR ANSWER......... # 1 Andersen Consulting: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementing processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, process and chonology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of the road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportationindustry to engage in series of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a totalbusiness integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to be more successful. Once again, Andersen Consulting has provided CLARITY in a complex world.