Just imagine if all these were condom manufacturers, how successful their ad campaigns would have been !!! Nike: Just Do It Toyota: Oh! what a feeling! Diet Pepsi: You got the right one, baby Pringles: Once you pop, you can't stop Mentos: The freshmaker Flintsone Vitamins: Ten million strong and growing Secret: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman Macintosh: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple Ford: The best never rest Chevy: Like a rock Dial: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did? New York Lotto: Cause hey! - you never know! California Lotto: Who's next? Avis: Trying harder than ever KFC: Finger - Licking Good! Coca Cola: Always the real thing Lays: Betcha can't have just one Cambell's Soup: Mmm, mmm, good General Electric: We bring good things to life! AT&T: Reach out and touch someone Bounty: The quicker, picker, upper Microsoft: Where do you want to go today Energizer: It keeps going and going and going... M&M: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands! MCI: For friends and family Doublemint: Double your pleasure, double your fun! Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border Sears: One coat is good enough for the entire winter Delta Airlines: Delta is ready when you are United Airlines: Fly United Star Trek: To Boldly Go where No Man Has Gone Before Top 10 Reasons Why Trick or Treating's Better Than Sex 10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave u candy. 6. Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else. 5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months. 4. If you wear your Batman mask, no-one thinks you're kinky. 3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2. Less guilt the next morning. And, the #1 reason trick or treating's better than sex... 1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door! A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard president's outer office. The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge. She frowned. "We want to see the president," the man said softly. "He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped. "We'll wait," the lady replied. For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't. And the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted doing. "Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes, they'll leave," she told him. And he sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern-faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple. The lady told him, "We had a son that attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. And my husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus." The president wasn't touched, he was shocked. "Madam," he said gruffly. "We can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery." "Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard." The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard." For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. He could get rid of them now. And the lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a University? Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. And Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the University that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about. You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who can do nothing for them or to them. And I thought that Alan Dershowitz was the only thing that Harvard should feel embarrassed about!!! Some time ago Mr Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named John. The president voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the president noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook , but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the president was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, John, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disoriented that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a berely audible voice, "sack my cook"... And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred. These useful quotes were reportedly taken from actual Federal employee performance evaluations: "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." "I would not allow this employee to breed." "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be." "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together." "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless." "He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier." "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." "He’s been working with glue too much." "He would argue with a signpost." "He has a knack for making strangers immediately." "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." "When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell." "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one." "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." "A prime candidate for natural deselection." "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming." "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it." "If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week." "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change." "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." "It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." "One neuron short of a synapse." "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." "Takes him 1 ½ hours to watch 60 minutes." "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."