A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?" WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, GA announced today that the President of the United States has PROVEN that you CAN get sex from aides. What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer? 'Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency!' There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon. It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory. Did you hear that when this scandal is over Monica plans to sell her story? She said she'll tell it blow by blow. What's Monica Lewinsky going to title her memoirs? "How to suckseed in the Oval Office without really trying!" Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? To keep his ankles warm. Q: Why can't they prosecute Bill Clinton? A: Monica Lewinsky swallowed the evidence Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks? She's withholding evidence. What's the difference between Clinton and a screw driver? A screw driver turns in screws and Clinton screws interns. Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Clinton? Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face. Bill was recently overheard complimenting Monica's appearance. "She's got the whitest teeth I've ever cum across!" Bill's nickname for Hillary is, "My little buttercup" His nickname for Monica? "My little suction cup" What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common? They both have slots that say "Insert Bill" here." Know your Presidents 1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack? 2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant? 3. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office? 4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister? 5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"? 6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband-and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign? 7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else? 8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's personal secretary? 9. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House coat closet-at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them? 10. Which president made love in a closet while telling his lover about the *other* president who made love in a closet (the one in Question 9)? 11. Which vice president was cheesed off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the president's? 12. Which future president, while a college student, loved showing off his manhood (which he named "Jumbo")? -------------------------------------------------------- ANSWERS 1. John F. Kennedy 2. Bill Clinton 3. Lyndon B. Johnson 4. Thomas Jefferson 5. Bill Clinton 6. Andrew Jackson 7. George Washington 8. Franklin D. Roosevelt 9. Warren G. Harding 10. John F. Kennedy 11. Lyndon B. Johnson 12. Lyndon B. Johnson ZACHARY DISEASE: A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date nor any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see a Dr. Chang, the well known sex therapist. So, she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Chang said "OK, take off all your crose." "Now, get down and crawl reery fass to the other side of room." So, she did. Dr. Chang then said. "OK, now crawl rerry fass to me." So, she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "You problem vewy bad. You haf Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. That why you not haf sex or dates." Confused, the woman asked, "What is Zachary Disease???" Dr Change replied, "It when your face rook zachary rike your ass." The following are questions actually asked of witnesses by lawyers during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?" 4. "Were you alone or by yourself?" 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 6. "Did he kill you?" 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collisions?" 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?" 10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?" 11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?" 12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" 13. Q: "Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?" 14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?" 15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?" 16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work." 17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people." 18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral." 19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?' A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." 20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel." 21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood." 22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere." Two friends die, one goes to Heaven, the other goes to Hell. The guy in Heaven feels bad and decides to check on his friend. So he looks down, and to his surprise, the friend is sitting in a chair with a beer in one hand and a georgous gal in the other. All in a rage, he goes to God and says, "Lord, it just isn't fair. I was good and now I'm in Heaven, and he was always bad, so he's in Hell, but he has all the luxuries. What's up with this??!!" God replied, "Look a little closer son, the beer has a hole in the bottom, and the gal doesn't!" One morning, two priests head to the showers and it isn't until they are already in the shower they both realize they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap, so he checks out the hallway. There's no one around - so rather than get dressed, he decides to make a run for it. He checks the hall before heading back to the showers. All clear. So he makes a break for it. Just as he turns the corner to the showers, he spots three nuns walking towards him. With nowhere to go, he stands perfectly still, holding the two bars of soap, hoping the nuns will think he's a statue. The nuns approach. "Oh my, look at that. Isn't that the most life like statue you've ever seen?" the first asks. She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's weeny. Startled, he drops the 1st bar of soap. "Oh heaven's." she exclaims" I got a bar of soap". The 2nd nun, amazed at how realistic the statue looks, steps closer and again, a couple of yanks of the priest's weeny and he drops the other bar of soap. ''My goodness. I got a bar of soap too". The nuns can't believe it. The 3rd nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a couple of tugs to the priest's weeny. "My God, this IS amazing" she says. "I got hand soap!" INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIVING 1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully. 2. Memorize your favorite poem. 3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want. 4. When you say, "I love you," mean it. 5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye. 6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married. 7. Believe in love at first sight. 8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. 9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. 10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. 11. Don't judge people by their relatives. 12. Talk slow but think quick. 13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?". 14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk. 15. Call your Mom. 16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze. 17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. 18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions. 19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. 20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. 21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice. 22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, his/her conversational skills will be as important as any other. 23. Spend some time alone. 24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. 25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. 26. Read more books and watch less TV. 27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time. 28. Trust in God but lock your car. 29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home. 30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past. 31. Read between the lines. 32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality. 33. Be gentle with the earth. 34. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it. 35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered. 36. Mind your own business. 37. Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss them. 38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before. 39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction. 40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck. 41. Learn the rules, then break some. 42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other. 43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. 44. Remember that your character is your destiny. 45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.