Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one". The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!" "Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer. "Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to pee in the BOAT!" It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question". The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy".The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy answered first. Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut". The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?" Sing the song below to the tune of "Summer Lovin'" from the musical "Grease". Bill: "Summer intern, had me a blast" Monica: "White house intern, happened so fast" Bill: "Met a girl, crazy for me" Monica: "Met the prez, down on my knees" Bill: "Summer days, sucking away, oh, i, but those summer nights" Investigation Committee: "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh. Tell us more, tell us more" Linda Trip: "try to remember your best" Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more" Kenneth Star: "Did he come on your dress?" --------------------------------------------- Bill: "Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp" Monica: "The prez is sexy - he makes my panties damp" Bill: "She gave me head, right in the White House" Monica: "I said OK, just don't come in my mouth: Investigation Committee: "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh. Tell us more, tell us more" Linda Trip: "he sounds like a swell guy" Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more" Kenneth Star: "Did he tell you to lie?" --------------------------------------------------- Bill: "Press found out, it turned into a mess" Monica: "He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress" Bill: "She promised to lie, she made a vow" Monica: "Wonder who is servicing him now" Bill & Monica: "Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams, But.........oh, Those White House Nights" -----chorus---- -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things" from "The Sound of Music" Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places, Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces, Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring, These are a few of my favorite things. Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers, Horny young interns who while 'way the hours, Profits from futures that Hillary brings, These are a few of my favorite things. When that Jones bites, When Ken Starr stings, When I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad. Beating the draft board and getting elected, Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected, Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing, These are a few of my favorite things. Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury, Falling down drunk that required knee surgery, Stars in the White House who come here to sing, These are a few of my favorite things. Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony, States of the Union with lots of baloney, Winning debates and the joy of my flings, These are a few of my favorite things. When that Jones bites, When Ken Starr stings, When I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so baaaaaaaad. , August 25, 1998 8:15 AM THE SPEECH THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN. "Members of Congress, people of America, I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like, and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Cambell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary, I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd STILL be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files,smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Chinese wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability', and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my little Billy showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter unless, of course, she's a cutie-pie with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine." Subject: Johnny Cochrane represents Clinton >From the law offices of Johnny Cochrane, Esquire, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States v. William J. Clinton: 10. If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess 9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate 8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit 7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal 6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore 5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses 4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life 3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof 2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane: 1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral This is from an actual contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the words Lewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners: FIRST PLACE: There once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky Twas "Hail to the Chief" On this flute made of beef That stole the front page from Kaczynski. SECOND PLACE: Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you look such a mess, Use the hem of your dress And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky. THIRD PLACE: Lewinsky and Clinton have shown What Kaczynski must surely have known: That an intern is better Than a bomb in a letter Given the choice of how to be blown. THE PERFECT MAN THE PERFECT MAN IS GENTLE NEVER CRUEL OR MEAN HE HAS A BEAUTIFUL SMILE AND KEEPS HIS FACE SO CLEAN. THE PERFECT MAN LIKES CHILDREN AND WILL RAISE THEM BY YOUR SIDE HE WILL BE A GOOD FATHER AS WELL AS A GOOD HUSBAND TO HIS BRIDE. THE PERFECT MAN LOVES COOKING CLEANING AND VACUUMING TOO HE'LL DO ANYTHING IN HIS POWER TO CONVEY HIS FEELINGS OF LOVE ON TO YOU THE PERFECT MAN IS SWEET WRITING POETRY FROM YOUR NAME HE'S A BEST FRIEND TO YOUR MOTHER AND KISSES AWAY YOUR PAIN. HE NEVER HAS MADE YOU CRY OR BATTERED YOU IN ANY WAY TO HELL WITH THIS ENDLESS POEM THE PERFECT MAN IS GAY. > A gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in a restaurant. The American, as all of them, is very proud to be an American, so he starts the following conversation. He asks the Frenchman, "When you eat bread, do you eat all of it?" "Mais oui, of course!" replies the Frenchman. "Well", says the American, "we only eat the soft part of it. The rest we collect in containers, take it to a factory and put it trough a mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell in France. And what about steaks?", he continues. "Do you eat all parts of them?" "Bien sur we do!" means the Frenchman. "You don't say!" says says the grinning American. "We don't! We only eat the meaty part of the steak. The greasy part we collect in containers, take it to a factory and put it trough a mill. What comes out are little steaks that we sell in France." By now the Frenchman is really riled. So he asks: "And what do Americans do with their used condoms?" "Hey, we throw them away, of course", says the American a little bit confused about the strange question. "Ha!", exclaims the Frenchman, "We collect them in containers, take them to a factory and put them through a mill. What comes out is chewing gum that we sell in America!" A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton." The good news . . . Here's another variation on a tale that's been making the rounds. (In an earlier version the punchline was delivered by Dr Mahathir Mohamad): Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates meet God. He tells them: "I need three important people to send my message out to everyone - Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth." Mr Yeltsin tells his cabinet: "I have two really bad announcements. First, God really does exist, and second, tomorrow he will destroy the Earth." Mr Clinton addresses Congress: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God does exist, and the bad news is that he will destroy the Earth tomorrow." Bill Gates tells Microsoft staff: "I have two fantastic announcements! First, I am one of the three most important people on Earth, and second, the Year 2000 problem has been solved!"