1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea." 2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." 3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick." 4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read. 5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called "Cue", the name of a notorious porno magazine. 6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"(el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa). 7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave"... in Chinese. 8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as, "It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." 9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela" meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent Kokou kole translating into, "happiness in the mouth." 10. When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant." A bus stops and two Italians get on. They sit and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. 2 asses, they come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again, I come again, and peetwice. Den I come one lasta time". "You foul mouthed swine!" retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public." "Hey coola down lady," said the man, "Who talkin about sex? I'm justa telling my frienda here how to spella Mississippi". This is actually a true story: Normally when I hear embarrassing stories about my friends I sort of chuckle a little and let it pass. However, when my friend at CU Boulder wrote me this letter, telling me about her embarrassing experience, as sick as it was I could not help but become hysterical. I asked my friend if I could write it up, she didn't mind as long as I didn't use her name, so here it is: A girl, let's call her Jen, is a junior in college attending school Colorado. Like all college students, she is wrapped up in the partying and the wildness college life has to offer. Jen, being the computer science major that she is, does, however, have a lot of work to do on her computer. So when she's not out having a good time, she's working her butt off designing computer programs and installing software. One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was home alone on a Friday night for the first time in the three years they had been dating. She was sad, alone and depressed, so she decided to make a new homepage. While she was playing on the net, she decided to get onto a chat line. Being the wild psycho she is, she logged onto a sex line. Over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as Jeremy. She started playing with him, gave a false name, saying her name was "Katie," and started getting into detail about what she would like to do to him with her tongue. He responded by telling her to picture being naked while his hands ran over every square inch of her body. Soon they were having cybersex. This went on for awhile, and then she got off the line agreeing to meet him back on the line the following night. Saturday night rolls around, and Jen, as 'Katie,' is on the line with Jeremy again. They become even closer this night, and they continue like this for a week. At the end of the week, they started talking about other things and got into very intimate issues and feelings. They became close, exchanging details about their lives, but Jen didn't tell Jeremy she was in college, because she was afraid of sounding like an immature college girl. She felt guilty, but after a few weeks, she really liked this guy. The virtual relationship carried on like this for months, and the months turned into a year. By the end of the year, they had exchanged their most intimate thoughts, but had never even spoken on the phone. They were afraid of ruining the mystery. 'Katie' & Jeremy had done everything sexually possible over the net, and they were affectionate as well, waiting for the day that they could someday be together. Finally the time had come; they had to meet each other. They were in love. They didn't care about age or looks, but only for each other. Jeremy told Jen he thought she could be his next wife. Jen was wary at first, but decided she didn't care how old or ugly he might be. She loved him, and he was the only one she could feel comfortable with. They planned a trip to meet in Vail, Colorado. They were finally going to see each other and spend the rest of the weekend together. As Jen didn't want the hassle of trying to recognize someone she's never seen, she said, "Why don't you just get a room? We'll meet there, and that way there will be no mistake." Jeremy agreed. Jen showed up at the resort first and checked in, telling the desk lady to hold a key for the next party. She then went up to the room. Wanting things to be special, she lit some candles and put on some music. She stripped naked and climbed into bed under the covers, deciding to surprise Jeremy when he got there. The lights were out and the mood was right when she heard a key in the door. She heard someone walk in and around the corner. She whispered, "Jeremy?" A voice replied, "Katie?" "Yes," she said, so he fumbled for the light and turned it on to see Jen on the bed naked before him. Then next thing heard around the world were two blood curling screams. Jen covered herself up, and in her most humiliated voice said, Dad?" Now realize this really did happen. The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: "One of them's a cannibal" The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some. They not only expected amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing. Speedbird 206: ?Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active." Ground: ?Guten morgan, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops. Ground: ?Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: ?Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now." Ground (with typical German impatience): ?Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): ?Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop" Check your Horoscope and see whats in store for you !!! AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk. PISCES (February 19-March 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit. ARIES (March 21-April 20) You are the pioneer type and think most people are nincom-poops. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are an asshole. TAURUS (April 21-May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn Nazi. GEMINI (May21-June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorius for thriving on incest. CANCER (June 21-July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding of other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer. LEO (July 23-August 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos are thieving cretins and spend most of their time kissing mirrors. VIRGO (August 23-September 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while having sex. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps. LIBRA (September 23-October 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably homosexual. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are prostitutes. All Libras die of venereal disease. SCORPIO (October 23-November 21) The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered. SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. Nixon was a Sagittarius. You are not worth the time of day. CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself. Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only one ticket. ?How are > three people going to travel on only on ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee. ?Watch and you'll see", answers an Apple engineer. They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, ?ticket please". The door opens just a little and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was a clever idea. After the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they know how) on the return trip and save some money (being cleaver with money and all). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket. ?How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee. ?Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer. When they board, the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, ?Ticket, please..."