Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking." There are these three guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "Ok, if you can really grant wishes, than double my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done." Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q." The merrmaid says: "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc. The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my I.Q." The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider." The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five,and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," says the mermaid "You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something else...a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it's usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done." And he became a woman. Man Weds After Friends Pick Bride Filed at 7:30 p.m. EDT By The Associated Press BLOOMINGTON, Minn. (AP) -- David Weinlick had known for years that he wanted to get married Saturday. He knew where the wedding would be held and who the guests would be. He just hadn't picked out a bride. A couple of dozen adventurous women from several states showed up Saturday at a ``bridal candidate mixer'' to brave questioning by Weinlick's friends and relatives, whose votes determined that Elizabeth Runze would be his bride. Soon after the selection, the two 28-year-olds exchanged vows at the Mall of America. About 2,000 shoppers lined the rails to watch from the three upper levels of the mall's rotunda. Runze, a slender redhead, wore a short-sleeved white dress with a full skirt and a fitted bodice embroidered with flowers, a short veil and elbow-length gloves. Her father walked her down the aisle and her parents, who are divorced, gave her away. The groom wore a black tuxedo. A minister friend of Weinlick's conducted the brief ceremony. Balloons fell from the ceiling and the crowd cheered as the couple kissed. ``I can hardly stand much less talk,'' Runze, a pharmacy student at the University of Minnesota, said shortly after she was selected. ``This is the most incredible day of my life.'' Before the wedding, Weinlick said he was ``elated'' and called the event ``an enormous success.'' ``This is almost exactly what I could have hoped for,'' he said. Weinlick's friend Steven Fletcher said the two had similar interests and senses of humor and were a good fit intellectually. ``You can see the chemistry between these two,'' he said. ``Those two just look right together.'' Annette Runze said her daughter talked to Weinlick, a tall thin blond who sports a ponytail, for the first time Monday when she dropped off her application. She said she and Elizabeth's father support the marriage. ``She's very serious about it. She's very committed to the idea and so is he. They'll probably be married 67 years.'' The four finalists, two from Minnesota, one from Florida and one who refused to give her hometown, were among the five bridesmaids. Weinlick is a graduate student in anthropology, and his marriage plan played out like some sort of weird social experiment. Four years ago, Weinlick said, he grew tired of being asked when he was going to get married, so he came up with a stock answer: June 13, 1998. With the deadline upon him Saturday, friends and relatives interviewed the candidates. ``The first question I always ask is, `Why should I let you marry our Dave?''' said Kathi Diehl, a friend of eight years from Omaha, Neb. Weinlick's sister, Wenonah Wilms of Minneapolis, said all of the candidates were nice but she was looking for something more. ``I'm picking a sister-in-law,'' Wilms said. ``I have to pick someone who is going to be there at Christmas.'' The suggestion that Weinlick try love democratic style and let his pals pick the bride came from his friend, Fletcher. When Weinlick accepted the challenge, Fletcher became his wedding campaign manager, touting his man's education, good credit and cleanliness. Weinlick's parents divorced when he was 5. His father, who criticized the event, did not attend. His mother, Sylvia Lambert, watched from the front row and issued a statement saying she supported her son's decision. ``I really have enjoyed this, much to my surprise,'' Lambert said. Despite the ceremony, the match wasn't exactly binding. Minnesota requires a three-day waiting period for a marriage to become official. The couple planned to attend a reception at one of the mall's nightclubs, America Live, but were unsure about their wedding night or honeymoon plans. Asked whether they would spend the night together, Weinlick said: ``We're going to have to consider that as two consenting adults. At this point, I'm assuming somebody will want to film it if it happens.'' Find a minute to do this.... _______________________________________________________ Try this in Microsoft Word. Does Bill Gates have a problem we don't know about? 1. Open a new document in Word 2. Type "Unable to follow directions" (without the quotes) 3. Highlight the entire sentence you just typed 4. Click Tools; Language; Thesaurus (or hit shift-F7 to open the thesaurus) ***This also seems to work for "Unable to find my Viagra" Hmmmm.. It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' THE CLUB An elderly gentleman walks into a health club to inquire about the exercise programs, club facilities, and perks of the establishment. He walks up to the counter where he is greeted by a Herculean body builder. "I'd like some information about the club." "Well", says the body builder, "this is a great club. We have a number of exercise and recreational areas for you to experience, and the fees are $5,000 per year." "$5,000!!!!" , the old man nearly passes out. "We have a free trial period that you can take advantage of," says the body builder, "but before you enter you'll have to remove your clothes, because this is a nudist club." The old man thinks about it for a moment, but figures, "why not?" The old man walks out to the pool area where he finds a lounge chair. He sits back and looks at all the beautiful women, naked women, all about him. The sight begins to stimulate him and he develops the largest erection he has had since he was a teenager. Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde runs over to him and jumps on his lap. She proceeds to do every imaginable sexual act with him. An hour later the old man, sweating, breathing hard, staggers into the lobby and slaps down the $5000. "You know," says the body builder, "you have a week to make up your mind about joining. Why are you paying now?" The old man tells the story, "This place is great. I haven't had an experience like this in years." Feeling good about himself, the old man walks back out to the pool area and orders a cigar. Walking back to his lounge chair, he drops the cigar. While bending over to pick it up, he is suddenly tackled from behind by a homosexual. "Auuugh, stop, stop, screams the old man, but to no avail. Ten minutes later it's over. The old man staggers back to the lobby where he demands his $5,000 back from the body builder. "But why? A few minutes ago you were all excited about the club. What has changed your mind?" After hearing the explanation from the old man, the body builder begs the old man to reconsider. "Think about the women you can meet. Don't let this one incident effect your decision." "Son", says the old man, "I get an erection maybe once a month, but I drop my cigar at least three times a day!" ANOTHER CAMEL JOKE Back in the days of the glorious British Empire, a young officer arrived at his first posting, the command of a tiny fort in the middle of the desert, twenty miles from the nearest town. His new second-in-command is showing him around the base, when just outside the fort's walls they come across a decrepit, flea-ridden old camel. "What's this bloomin' camel for?" asked the officer? "Well, sir," his second-in-command replied, "the troops, stuck out here in the desert for months at a time, have certain... er... manly needs, from time to time. And when they need to do something about them, they use old Deirdre the camel here." The officer, rather embarrassed, says nothing, and continues with the tour. A few months go by, and the officer is beginning to feel those 'manly needs' himself. So he calls his number two and says: "I feel I may... er-um require the services of Deirdre the camel tonight. Tell me, when the men... er-um... use her, do they have her bathed first?" "Yes, sir." "Well then, see to it that she is bathed." "They also have her flea-powdered, first, sir." "Very good, see that that is done, too. And I couldn't help but notice that she is a rather tall animal. Tell me, do the men use a ladder when they, er-um mount her?" "Yes sir, always." "Very well, see to it that a ladder is provided." "Very good sir. She'll be prepared for you within the hour." After an hour, the officer is escorted to the side of the fort, where Deirde waits, powdered, washed and with a ladder by her side. The officer moves the ladder to the back of the animal, climbs it, drops his pants and begins furiously ramming into the backside of the animal. He motions to his second-in-command: "Tell me, is this how the men do it?" "Well, no sir, they normally ride the camel to the nearest town and pay for a prostitute, sir."