This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.  Needless to say 

the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing 

the  WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".



Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee: 



"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" 

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." 

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" 

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." 

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" 

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" 

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?" 

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it 

have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power 

cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into

the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were 

two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" 

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the 

other cable."

"....... Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the 

back of  your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" 

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" 

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because 

it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming 

in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then." 

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outrage."

"A power... A power outrage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do 

you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer 

came in?"

 "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like 

it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it 

from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" 

"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer." 



     

     

    











Bank robber story:



Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank.  After several

days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get

to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to

their planning.  Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is 

full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately.

They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of

vanilla pudding inside.



The Head Ganster says "Okay, well, at least we can eat it."

So they eat the pudding.  They drill and pry open the second

Safety deposit box and there sits another puding.

They decide to devour it too.



Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the

rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have 

been opened.



They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes.

Disappointed the head gangster said "Well, at least they

left something for us to eat"



The next day, while listening to the news they hear

"Yesterday the largest sperm bank in the USA was robbed

by an unknown group of people













 THIS IS A TRUE STORY!!!!!!

 

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the

moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant

leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual

com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic

remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."  Many people at NASA thought it was a

casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.  However,

upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American

space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as

to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong

always just smiled.



On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL, while answering questions following

a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old  question to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil

Armstrong felt he could answer the question.  When he was a kid, he

was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.  His friend hit a fly ball which landed outside his neighbor's bedroom window.  His

neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.  As he leaned down to pick up the

ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky,  "Oral

sex? You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door

walks on the moon"













A man and his secretary are having an affair, so one afternoon they get a motel room and have strenuous sex. He's not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake up until about 8:30 that  night, at which time he realizes it's late and that he has to get home.



He says to his secretary, "Quick! While I get dressed, you  take my shoes outside and drag them around through the grass and mud."  Puzzled, the secretary complies. When the man gets home about 9:30 his wife confronts him and asks him where he's been. The man says, "I cannot lie to you. I spent the better part of the day doing my secretary in a motel room, then I fell asleep, woke up later, and came right home."



The woman looks down at his shoes and says,  "You lying  bastard, you've been out playing golf again!"











When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other

Professionals To Engineers/Scientist

 

 DOCTORS

 ------------

 Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your

relationship to last more than 5 years.  Eventually, he'll run off with  a nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is

pretending to be sick.  He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this.  This is not a problem with your Engineer husband.  He had  a hard enough time meeting you.  It is unlikely he'll ever meet

another woman in his profession.

 

 

 LAWYER

 ------------

 Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying?  Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse.   He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.

 

 

 SALESMAN

 ------------

 See honesty segment under Lawyer.  Plus, he will be traveling to trade

shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy

individuals.  Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show.  The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.

 

 

 HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER,

 CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.

 ------------

 Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long.  This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you  will be a blur.  He will remember you

as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and when you  ask "Honey, were you looking at her?", he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.

 

 

 TEACHER

 ------------

 The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be

surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him.  He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.

 

 

 PRIEST

 ------------

 See Teacher and substitute the word "girls" with "boys".















  

Are you feeling old?

If not, read on...



* The people who are starting college this fall across the nation

were 

born in 1980.

* They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.

* They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

* Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great

Depression. 

* Their world has always included AIDS.

* Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes; 

they may have heard of

an 8-track, but probably never actually seen (or heard) one.

* The digital Disc was presented to Wall street when they were 1

year 

old. 

* From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once

and 

threw away.

* As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents. 

* Few, if any, have lived without an answering machine.

* Few have used a TV set with only 13 channels.

* Some use the word "clickers" for "remote control", yet they do not



know why they say it.

* They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony .

* The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to 

them.





You're Probably Aged 25 to 35 If...

*You wore anything Izod, especially those windbreakers that folded

up 

into a pouch you could wear around your waist.

*You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans 

were cool.

*You remember LeFreak by Chic

*In your sophomore class picture, you're wearing an Izod shirt with 

the collar "up."

*"All-skate" and "change directions" means something to you.

* In high school, you and all your friendsdiscussed elaborate plans

to 

get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by

Prince 

over and over again. 

* You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars 

behind you in the "tail gunner" position.

* Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned

the 

English language.

*You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran

Duran, 

Madonna, Rick Springfield, or Cyndi Lauper video.

* You actually know who Rick Springfield is.

* You're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that 

maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad



idea after all.

* You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon 

* Bo and Luke Duke.

* There was nothing strange about Bert n' Ernie living together. 

* You remember that John Stamos actually started out as Blackie, 

Frisco's drummer in his band

* Knickers and leg warmers were cool

* You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still 

carry the emotional scars to this day.

* You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the

guitar 

and choreographed "Dancing Queen" by yourself in your room.

* You were afraid of the Sleestaks on Land of the Lost.

* The first time you ever kissed someone was at a dance during

"Crazy 

for You" by Madonna.

* You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation. 

* You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding 

* You know who shot J.R.

* This rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me." 

* You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut

* You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed 

"8-6-7-5-3-0-9" to see if Jenny would answer.

* You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to

wear. 

* You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers 

and you had to move the selector switch accordingly. 

* You could sing "99 Red Balloons" in English and in German. 

* Feathered hair 

* Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those "brick-sized" 

packages of Bazooka gum.

* The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with

laughter.















SOME HELPFUL ROMANCE ADVICE



In the world of romance, one single rule applies : make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and

points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she

expects.Sorry, that's the way the game is played!



Here's a guide to the point system :



SIMPLE DUTIES



You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)

When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)

When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)

You go out to buy her Spring-Fresh Extra-Light Panty Liners with Wings

(+5)

...but return with beer (-5)

You check out suspicious noise at night (0)

...and it's nothing (0)

...and it's something (+5)

......you pummel it with a six iron (+10)

.........it's her father (-10)



SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS



You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college

drinking buddy (-2)

...named Tiffany (-4)

......Tiffany is a dancer (-6)

......Tiffany has implants (-8)

When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly (+1)

When mingling, you introduce her as "the old ball and chain" and pat her

on the rump (-5)

When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you

think she's attractive, you say "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as

you" (+1)

...you say "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed." (-6)

......that woman is her sister (-90)

You have one drink and that's it (0)

You have more than a few drinks and perform the tango with a poodle (-2)



You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted (-18)



SATURDAY AFTERNOON



You go to the mall together (+3)

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car (+4)

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports

bar (-2)

You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it (+3)

You spend the day shopping for furniture and nap on a sectional (0)

You spend the day at a wholesale club buying in bulk (+3)

...most of it chips and beer (-6)

You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den (+15)

...or refinishing the floors (+16)

...or rewiring the basement (+17)

...or adding a second floor (+18)

...or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket (-6)

......and you're tickled pink about it (-15)

You visit her parents (0)

You visit her parents and actually make conversation (+3)

You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the TV (-3)

...and the TV is off (-6)

You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear (-6)

...and you didn't even go to college (-10)

......and it's not your underwear (-15)



HER BIRTHDAY



You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

...okay, it is a sports bar (-2)

......and it's "all-you-can-eat" night (-3)

.........and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

You go to a nice pricy restaurant, hire a guitar player, and get up and

sing (+4)

...if you stink (+2)

...if you're not half bad (+5)

...if you sing a Barry Manilow song and are escorted out to much

applause (-2)

You give her a gift (0)

...it's a small appliance (-10)

...it's not a small appliance (+1)

...it's not chocolate (+2)

...it's something you'll be paying off for months (+30)

You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day (-10)

...with her credit card (-30)

...and it's two sizes too big (-40)



THOUGHTFULNESS



You forget her birthday completely (-120)

You forget your anniversary (-30)

You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-45)

...which is in Newark, New Jersey (-50)

......and the pouring rain completely dissolves her leg cast (-60)



A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS



Go out with a pal (-5)

...and the pal is happily married (-4)

...and the pal is frighteningly single (-7)

......and he drives a Mustang (-10)

.........with a personalized license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)

You have a few beers (-9)

...and miss curfew by an hour (-12)

......and you didn't call (-20)

You get home at 3 am (-30)

...smelling of booze and cheap cigars (-40)

......and not wearing any pants (-50)

.........is that a tattoo?!? (-200)



HER NIGHT OUT



You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friends from work

(+5)

She goes out with her annoying friends from work and she comes home late

 (+10)

...you wait up (+15)

She comes home late and drunk and you put her to bed (+20)



A NIGHT OUT TOGETHER



You take her to a movie (+2)

...a movie she likes (+4)

...a movie you hate (+6)

...a movie you like (-6)

......it's called "DeathCop 3" (-3)

.........which features cyborgs having sex (-9)

............you lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)



A NIGHT AT HOME



You watch TV together (0)

You rent a movie (+2)

...it's "Sense and Sensibility" (+3)

......you stay awake throughout (+5)

......you fall asleep (-1)

......you fall asleep and drool (-2)



FLOWERS



You buy her flowers only when it's expected (0)

You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the heck of it (+20)

You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself (+30)

...and she contracts Lyme disease (-25)



YOUR PHYSIQUE



You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

...and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

...and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-5)



FINANCES



You spend a lot of money on something impractical (-5)

...something she can't use (-10)

......such as a motorized model airplane (-20)

.........and she got a small appliance for her birthday (-40)



DRIVING



You lost the directions on a trip (-4)

...and end up getting lost (-10)

......in a bad part of town (-15)

.........and meet the locals up-close and personal (-25)

............and you know them (-60)



THE BIG QUESTION



She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) sensitive questions always start with a

deficit

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)



COMMUNICATION



When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what

looks like a concerned expression (0)

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen for over 30 minutes

(+5)

...without looking at the TV (+10)

......she realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)