Two blondes were high fiving each other, "Only 57 days...."  "Whoo Hoo"

and walked into a bar.  They told the bartender to line up the shots.

Another high five, "Whoo Hoo, only 57 days...."    The bartender pours

them each a shot as they slam it down still celebrating.   

The bartender says, "What are you celebrating about?"

"We just completed a jigsaw puzzle," says one.  "and the box said 3 to 5

years....and we did it in 57 days...."







MISC

----



Two men walked into a bar. You'd think the second one would have seen

it.



You know what the problem with a lot of people is? Overpopulation.



Rule of thumb for evaluating computer technology: If it works, its

obsolete.





Phone Answering Machine Messages 



* My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave

your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.



* Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right

now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it

up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a

message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.



* A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're

not here. So leave a message.



* Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the

money.  If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my

financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are

my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have

plenty of money.



* (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the

telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of

toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at

incredible  speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort

is in vain.  The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.



* Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.

Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.



* Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave

me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.









So you think your life is bad.

Just think how bad the life of the egg is...

You only get laid once!

You only get eaten once!

It takes 4 minutes to get hard

2 minutes to get soft

You have to share a box with 11 other guys

And the only chick who ever sat on your face

was your mother.

(Now don't you feel better)









Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was

from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the

end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. 

When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey,

we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and

give me a bid." 

So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He

took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well

I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my

crew, and $100 profit for me." 

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and

pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this Job

for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."



Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as

moving the contractor says, $2700." 

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure

like the guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" 

"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you

and we hire the guy from Missouri." 











A man was driving along the highway and saw a large rabbit hopping

across the middle of the road.  He swerved to avoid hitting it, but

unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The

driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled  over

to the side of the road to see what had become of the rabbit.

        Much to his dismay, it was dead. A blonde driving down the

highway saw the man at the side of the road and pulled over, stepped out

of her  car and asked him what was wrong.

        "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit

and killed it."  The blonde told the man not to worry.  She knew what to

do.  She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked

over to the limp, dead creature and sprayed the contents of the can

onto it.



Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the

two humans and hopped down the road.  25 yards away the rabbit stopped,

turned around and again waved at the two humans.  As he continued to hop

merrily on its way, he  would stop, turn and wave at   the smiling

blonde and the perplexed man, until he was completely out   of sight.



The man was astonished.  He couldn't figure out what substance could

be in the blonde's spray can!  He ran over to her and demanded, "What

was in your spray can?  What did you spray on that rabbit?"  The blonde

turned the can around so he could read the label. It said:

        "Acme Hair Spray restores life to dead hair. Adds a permanent

wave..."











100 reasons it's great to be a guy: 



1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 

3. You know stuff about cars. 

4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. 

5. Monday Night Football. 

6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives. 

7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 

8. You can open all your own jars. 

9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight. 

10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind. 

11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every

	shot of someone crying. 

12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 

13. All your orgasms are real. 

14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. 

15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. 

16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 

17. You understand why Stripes is funny. 

18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group. 

19. Your last name stays put. 

20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. 

21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone

	secretly hates you. 

22. You can kill your own food. 

23. The garage is all yours. 

24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 

25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. 

26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. 

27. You never have to clean the toilet. 

28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. 

29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 

31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still

	be your friend. 

32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. 

33. The National College Cheerleading Championship 

34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. 

35. You don't have to shave below your neck. 

36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite. 

37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices. 

38. You can write your name in the snow. 

39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 

40. Everything on your face stays its original color. 

41. Chocolate is just another snack. 

42. You can be president. 

43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. 

44. Flowers fix everything. 

45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 

46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 

47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 

48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough. 

49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 

50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. 

51. Foreplay is optional. 

52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 

53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room. 

54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 

55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is

	coming by. 

56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 

57. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 

58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 

59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without

	even thinking (He must be mad at me) 

60. The world is your urinal. 

61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover

	is about to leave you. 

62. You get to jump up and slap stuff. 

63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 

64. One mood, all the time. 

65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to

	look like him. 

66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this

	one's just too yucky. 

67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 

68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing. 

69. Same work....more pay. 

70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character. 

71. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. 

72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 

73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. 

74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's

	population in 15 tries, at least in theory. 

75. You don't mooch off others' desserts. 

76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 

77. The remote is yours and yours alone. 

78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 

79. ESPN's sports center. 

80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. 

81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers. 

82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 

83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 

84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 

85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell

	your friends you've changed. 

86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 

87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!" 

88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you

	might become lifelong buddies. 

89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary. 

90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 

91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not

	in the mood. 

92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. 

93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer

	and throw it across the room. 

94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 

95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 

96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 

97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. 

98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice

	anything different?"

99. Baywatch 

100. There is always a game on somewhere 













A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the

sin of lying.  To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read

Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister

asked for a show of hands.  He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.  The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only

sixteen chapters.  I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of

lying."















Newsflash!



Details:



The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby

English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, 

which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her

Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room

for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be 

known as "EuroEnglish":



In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will

make

the sivil sevants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor 

of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 

less letter.



There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the

troublesome

"ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf"

20% 

shorter.



In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted

to

reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have 

always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the 

horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they



should go away.



By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"

with

"z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd

from

vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer 

kombinations of leters.



After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no

mor

trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.



ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!















A man was driving home late at night. He was also driving above the

speed limit. He noticed a police car [with its lights whirling] in

his rear view mirror. He says to himself, "I can outrun this guy." He

floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway-

70, 80, 90 miles an hour.  Finally, as his speedometer passes 100,

the guy sighs aloud and gives up.  He pulls over to the curb.



The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He

leans down and says, "Listen, mister. I've had a really lousy day and

I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran

off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view

mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give

her back to me!"

The officer let him go.













Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at

the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led

such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go

back to Earth and be anyone you want."

                 

The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and <poof!

she's gone.

                 

The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and <poof! she's gone.

                

The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."

                 

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

                 

"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.

                 

St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name

just doesn't ring a bell."

                 

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it

to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands

it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline

laid by 500 men in 7 days'! "











Most people worry about getting AIDS from sex.

Bill Clinton worries about getting sex from aides.







Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, which is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.













If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a

sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is

contaminated with bacteria.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over 1

million descendents.

You are more likely to be struck by lightning that to be eaten by a

shark. You are more likely to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria than

you are to be struck by lightning.

If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you may

encounter the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish is known to

follow a stream of urine to its source, swim inside the body, and flare

is barbed fins. It will remain firmly embedded in the flesh until

surgically removed.

When a pilot light in a gas barbecue fails to ignite the gas jets

properly, it is easy for you to inhale gas accidentally while trying to

light it by hand. If this has happened, when the match does light,

sometimes a trail of flame will blaze from the jet onto your mouth,

filling your lungs with fire.  Oddly enough, you would suffocate before

burning to death as the flame would consume the oxygen in every breath

you would take.

The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm, moist

environment in the ear canal that is ideal for breeding bacteria.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your

ear by 700 times.

On a plane, if the passenger in your seat on the incoming flight had

serious gas, then you are sitting on a cushion full of disease-causing

microbes.

Homely criminals get 50% longer jail sentences, on average, than

good-looking criminals.

Four sunken nuclear submarines sit at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

One, a Russian sub resting in deep water off of Bermuda, holds 16 live

nuclear warheads. Scientists and oceanographers are unsure what the

impact of the escaping plutonium will have, but warn that corrosion

could create the proper chemical environment for a massive nuclear chain

reaction.

In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby cellular

telephone captivated a power wheelchair at a scenic vista in Colorado,

sending the passenger over a cliff.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14,

Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16,

1969, make it illegal for U.S.  citizens to have any contact with

extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

More people working in advertising died on the job in 1996 than died

while working in petroleum refining.

     The longest one-syllable word in the English language is

"screeched."

        On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the

Parliament Building is an American flag.

        Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

        All of the clocks in  Pulp Fiction  are stuck on 4:20.

        No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,

silver or purple.

        "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

        All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial

on the back of the $5 bill.

        Almonds are members of the peach family.

        Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

        Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

        There are only four words in the English language which end

in"-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

The longest place-name still in use is

        Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronuku

pokaiwenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.

        Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina

de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can  be abbreviated to 3.63% of its

size, "L.A."

        A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

        An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

        Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

        In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed

on a watch is 10:10.

        Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

        The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

        The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses

II who fathered over 160 children.

        When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at

home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.

                The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were

named after

                Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's

"Its A

                Wonderful Life"

        A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

        A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

        A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

        On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper

left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden

in the front upper right-hand corner.

        The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

        Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme?  Paul

Reiser himself.

        The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth

from 1.8 miles away. (pretty good trick)

        In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

        The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the

creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z,

hence "Oz."

        The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a rada

tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

        Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

        John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

        The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

        'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the

left hand.

To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement

made by swearing on their testicles.











Top 10 Benefits From a White House Internship:

10 First-hand knowledge of domestic affairs

9 Pay is lousy, but the hush money is great

8 Gives new meaning to MTV slogan "Rock the Vote"

7 Observe the President's commitment to young people first hand

6 Learn intricacies of statutory rape law

5 Have president chase around desk brandishing his 'subpoena'

4 President tells you he really wants you on his staff

3 Try out JFK's legendary rocking chair

2 Have president introduce you to his 'special investigator'

1 Find out what a politician means when he says he's been

                polling his constituents









Bill Clinton Jokes





                 What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? 



                I'll be home in twenty minutes. 



         ---------------------------------------------------------

                Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? 



                To keep his ankles warm. 



         ---------------------------------------------------------

                Seen on an Arkansas Car Bumper 



                "Honk, if you haven't had sex with Bill 

                Clinton"

         

         ---------------------------------------------------------

                What's the recipe for Clinton stew? 



                A small weenie in hot water.

         

         ---------------------------------------------------------

                What do Monica and Bill Clinon have most in 

                common?



                They're both going down. 



         ---------------------------------------------------------

                Bill Clinton is a life member of Weight 

                Watchers



                He is thoroughly convinced that "Eating 

                isn't cheating anymore".



         -------------------------------------------------------

                What did Ms. Lewinsky was allegedly say when 

                offered a position at the the U.N?



                Would that, then, be a "missionary 

                position?"



         --------------------------------------------------------

                How did 500 women sampled at random respond 

                when asked if they would have sex with Bill 

                Clinton?



                86% responded "Not again!" 



         --------------------------------------------------------

                During Nixon's administration we had a crisis 

                involving "Tricky Dicky"



                Now we have a crisis involving "Licky 

                Dicky"



         ---------------------------------------------------------

                Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmarks? 



                He just bends over the pages! 



         ----------------------------------------------------------

                Why does Bill drink so much coffee? 



                He is required to "stay up" for many

                hours to satisfy the needs of his staff 



         ----------------------------------------------------------

                Why did Bill get into this problem? 



                He didn't know that harass was one word. 



         ----------------------------------------------------------

                President Clinton, what do you want to do about 

                this abortion bill?



                He replies, "I guess...pay it!"

         

         ----------------------------------------------------------

                Clinton Presidential Anthem-



                Kneel to the Chief

         

         ----------------------------------------------------------

                Who's handling the case? 



                "Intern"al Affairs 



         ----------------------------------------------------------

                 Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an

                improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky? 



                Pres: Improper? ... Ain't nothing

                improper about that. That was one of the 

                the sweetest interns I've ever had.

         

         ----------------------------------------------------------

                What's the difference between Watergate and 

                Zippergate



                At least this time, there's no doubt 

                about the identity of "Deep Throat." 





----------------------------------------------------------

                 How did Bill reply regarding questions of 

                "coaching" Monica's testimony?



                "It wasn't words that I put in her 

                mouth".

         



----------------------------------------------------------

                Why is Chelsea upset about Zippergate? 



                Her dad is getting more dates than she 

                is.





---------------------------------------------------------

                Why did Monica Lewinsky accept an offer to work 

                on the White House staff?



                She didn't understand know what STAFF he 

                really meant.



         ---------------------------------------------------------

                What is Revlon calling it's new Presidential 

                winter line for 1998?



                Shades of the truth

         



-----------------------------------------------------------

                Why is President Clinton waiting to tell his 

                side of the story?



                He's waiting for Marv Albert to do the 

                interview.



         -----------------------------------------------------------

                Who's going to score first in the Super Bowl? 

                The Denver Broncos or the Green Bay Packers? 



                Bill Clinton 



         -----------------------------------------------------------

                What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name? 



                Unibanger 



-----------------------------------------------------------

         

                What's the difference between Gennifer, Paula, 

                Monica & Hillary?



                The first three prefer to sleep with men. 



         ------------------------------------------------------------

                How does Hillary feel? 



                She may be the FIRST LADY, but she won't 

                be the LAST



         ------------------------------------------------------------

                What advice did Yasar Arafat give President

                Clinton in their meeting on January 22, 1998? 



                "Bill....Goats don't talk!!" 



         ---------------------------------------------------------

                President Clinton said to Monica, "I didn't 

                tell you to lie in deposition . . .



                I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!" 



                ------------------------------------------------------

                What's the actual title of Hillary's book? 



                "It Takes a Village . . . to Satisfy my 

                Husband"

                ----------------------------------------------

                Realization of from another White House intern 

                . . .



                And all that time I thought that humming 

                was the shredder!

         --------------------------------------------------------

        How did Clinton exercise his position as

                Commander-in-Chief? 



                By barking out orders . . . like "Get 

                Under the Desk!" 

                -----------------------------------------------------

                Don't feel sorry for Monica...... 



She'll be back "on her knees" in no time!









Full of Bull



Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to

bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a

discussion among them.



First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we

settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows

would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going

to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine!"



Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3

years and have earned my right to the 50 cows  we've agreed are mine.

I'll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL  MY

COWS!"



Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have

only let me have 10 cows to 'take care of'. I may not be as big as you

fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY

cows."



They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler

pulled up the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT:

the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen!

At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the

steel ramp to the breaking point.



First Bull: "Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I

really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can

spare a few for our new friend."



Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just

stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly

not looking for an argument."



They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and see him

pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.



First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him

have  some of your cows and live to tell about it."



Third Bull: "Shit, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he

knows I'm a bull!"











A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car.



The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks.



After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate 

several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal."

Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream." 









An 81 year old man married his twenty-three-year-old secretary.

On their wedding night, she waited in bed while he got into his nightshirt.

Finally, he emerged, climbed into bed, and held up the five fingers on his  right hand.

"My goodness," she cried. "You want to do it five times?"

"No, he replied. "I want you to pick a finger."









There were a little boy and a little girl arguing on every single subject 

they can think of by the beach. The little boy kept on looking for a subject that he could make him win arguing since he had not won a single argument yet. 

Suddenly he got an idea. He pulled down his short and said, "Look! I bet you do not have one of these!"



The little girl ran crying to her mother. Not long after, she came back with a smile on her face. She took off her tiny bikini and said, "My mother says with one of these, I can have as many of yours as I like!" 













 An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana at 0600

  watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying 

  something big under his arm.  He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got 

  there?"

 Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" 

  Boy says "Catch some chickens."

  Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken 

  wire!"

  Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

  That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's 

  surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30

 chickens caught in it.

  Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and

 he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his 

 hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

 Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

 Boy says back "Catch me some ducks."

 Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck

  tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

  That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old 

  man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck 

  tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

  Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying 

  what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.  Old

 man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

  Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

 Old man says "I'll get my hat."











THEY ARE TALKING IN HEAVEN....



<< After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doingon Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "

Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner.  There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorrah.  But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex.  According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it.  Even four out of five dentists recommend it.

I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions.

    "Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to

what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?" 

    "I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex.  The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity." replied St. Peter.

       "That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of    punishing those who practice oral sex, we  should reward those who refrain  from it.  Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people.

   

   Do you know what the letter said?

    

         (scroll down)

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    No?  You didn't get one either, huh?



















An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by

     a bloodthirsty group of natives.  Upon surveying the situation, he

     says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm fucked."



     There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out, "No, you

     are not fucked. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head

     of the chief standing in front of you."



     So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living

     crap out of the chief.  As he stands above the lifeless body,

     breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock

     on their faces, God's voice booms out again, "Okay. .... NOW you're

     fucked."











This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window.  "I want to open a fukin' checking account"

 

 To which the lady replied,  "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

 

 Listen up dammit.  I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now"

 

 "Sir,  I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank"

 

 The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about the situation.  They both returned to the tellers cage and the manager asked,  "What seems to be the problem here?"

 

 "There is no damn problem, "The man said.  "I just won 50 million in the

lottery and I want to open a fukin' checking account in this damn bank!"

 "I see sir ," the manager said  "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"











A local United Way office realized that it had never received a

donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge

of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our

research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you

give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the

community in some way?"



The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did our

research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and

has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"



Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."



"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a

wheelchair?"  The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an

apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a

traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving

her penniless with three children?!"



The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had

no idea..."



On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give

any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"











A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag

of

money.  She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank

to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"  After much

hemming and  hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the

president's office (the customer is always right!).



The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.

She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his

desk.



The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash,

so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash

around.

Where did you get this money?"



The old lady replied, "I make bets."



The president then asked, "Bets?  What kind of bets?"



The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your

balls are square."



"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet.  You can never win

that kind of bet!"



The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"



"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not

square!"



The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money

involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a

witness?"     "Sure!" replied the confident president.



That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a

long

time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side,

again and again.  He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure

that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would

win the bet.



The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared

with her lawyer at the president's office.  She introduced the lawyer to

the president and repeated the bet:  "$25,000 says the president's balls

are square!"



The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to

drop his pants so they could all see.



The president complied.  The little old lady peered closely at his balls

and then asked if she could feel them.



"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess

you should be absolutely sure."



Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head

against the wall.



The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your

lawyer?"



She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today,

I'd have The Bank of Canada's president by the balls."













My First Time

The sky was dark, the moon was high,

All alone, just her and I.

Her hair was so soft; her eyes so blue,

I knew just what she wanted to do.

Her skin so soft; her legs so fine;

I ran my fingers down her spine.

I didn't know how, but I tried my best;

I started by placing my hands on her breast. 



I remember my fear, my fast beating heart; 

But slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt so shame;

All at once the white stuff came.

At last it's all finished; it's all over now. 

My first time ever at milking a cow.











MEN

---





1.      Men are like department stores....

        their clothes should always be half off.

2.      Men are like vacations....

        they never seem to be long enough.

3.      Men are like computers...

        hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

4.      Men are like coolers...

        load them with beer and you can take them anywhere

5.      Men are like chocolate bars....

        sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

6.      Men are like coffee....the best ones are rich, warm, and can

keep you up all night long.

7.      Men are like horoscopes....

        they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

8.      Men are like plungers...they spend most of their lives in a

hardware store or the bathroom.

9.      Men are like cement.... after getting laid, they take a long

time to get hard.  (OUCH!!!!)



        10 Q: Why are men like laxatives?

        A: They irritate the shit out of you



        11 Q: Why did God create man?

        A: Because vibrators don't mow lawns



12 Q: What are two reasons men don't mind their own business?

A: No mind-No business

13 Q: How are men and parking spots alike?

A: The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped

14 Q: Why is it hard for a women to find men who are sensitive, caring

and good looking?

A: Because those men already have boyfriends

15 Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?

A: You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or

how long it will last

16 Q: Why are men given larger brains than dogs?

A: So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties

17 Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease?

A.: Because they're all pigs











Einstein's Speech

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit,  he

usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory

work.  One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken

dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat

resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said.  "I've heard you give this

speech so many times.  I'll bet I could give it for you."

        Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and

jacket and sat in the back of the room.  The chauffeur gave a beautiful

rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions

expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question

about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone

in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely

stare and said,  "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple  that I

will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it  for me."











A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down

the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do ANYTHING to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips

back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I means..." she whispers, "....I would do ANYTHING."

He returns her gaze. "ANYTHING?"

She replied, "ANYTHING."

His voice softens. "ANYTHING??"

She replied again, "ANYTHING"

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you..........Study?"