AND THE BEST HEADLINES OF 1997 ARE ... Include Your Children when Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine May Contain Rabies From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." ****************************************** Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -Age 13 I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. -Age 13 I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. -Age 15 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. -Age 6 My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth -- that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally -- but I didn't want to upset him. -Age 10 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for The Queen of England. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. -Age 8 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. -Age 10 Home is where the house is. -Age 6 I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. -Age15 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. -Age 5 I once thought that I heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." It was just a lawn mower. -Age 11 I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. -Age 14 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. -Age 15 Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook, It was time for some for some pussy, fuck reading that book. Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube. When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. "Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, hey Dickfore, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts." "Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and puked on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard something splatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I put on my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all covered with dip spit galore, He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore. "I'm all fuckin' shit-canned ," he said with a smile, "And Rudolf was farting the last half-a mile." He walked to the kitchen, for himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, as my wife turned around. Santa was hung half way to the ground. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a manual on how to pop zits. A dime bag of reefer was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind. A boarding school pisser, a penis extension, And several other things that I can't even mention. A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, And a bong that was wrapped with aluminium foil. "This stuff's not for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave it all here, and then I'll just split." He filled both our stockings, looked at my wife's cleave. And tucked my son's crack pipe up under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Made it out of the chimney, on my roof smacked his head. In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home, Rudolph, the night's been a bitch!" The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about college, is that the beer won't run out. A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she is very ill and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees to accomodate her, but the nun explains that she can't have sex with anyone who is married as that would be a sin. The bus driver says No problem, he is not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she will have to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again. Being the only two on the bus, they go to the back of the bus and take care of business. When they were done, and he had resumed driving, he said "Sister, I have a confession to make. I am married and have three children". The nun replies: "Thats OK. I have a confession too: My name is Dave, and I am on my way to a costume party". A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off" "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook." The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of their accident in the fewest words possible. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intentions. I thought the window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it. A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over an embankment. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone poll. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front of my car. What's the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. What's the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him. When does a person decide to become an accountant? When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker. What does an accountant use for birth control? His personality. What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own. What's an auditor? Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. Why did the auditor cross the road? Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year. There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can count and those who can't. How do you drive an accountant completely insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation. An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it." The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. News release: New Penis Study ... Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and a cost over $180,000. The result of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results of were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the U.S. study were incorrect. After three years and a cost on excess of $250,000 they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the WOMAN with more pleasure during sex... When the results of the German study were released, Turkey decided to conduct their own study. The Turkish didn't really trust the U.S. or German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75, the Turkish study was complete. The Turkish study came to the conclusion that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead ........... INSIDER'S GUIDE TO THE MALE VOCABULARY "Haven't I seen you before?" == "Nice ass." "I'm a Romantic." == "I'm poor." "I need you" == "My hand is tired." "I am different from all the other guys" == "I am not circumcised." "I want a commitment." == "I'm sick of masturbation." "You're the only girl I've ever cared about" == "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." "I really want to get to know you better." == "So I can tell my friends about it." "It's just orange juice, try it." == "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head." "She's kinda cute." == "I want to have sex with her till I am blue." "I don't know if I like her" == "She won't sleep with me." "I miss you so much" == "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good." "Was it good for you?" == "I'm insecure about my manhood." "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" == "Is my penis really that small?" "I had a wonderful time last night." == "Who the hell are you?" "Do you love me?" == "I've done something stupid and you might find out." "Do you 'really' love me?" == "I've done something stupid and your going to find out sooner or later." "How much do you love me?" == "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you now." "I have something to tell you." == "Get tested." "I'll give you a call." == "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again." "I've been thinking a lot." == "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk." "I think we should just be friends." == "You're ugly." "I've learned a lot from you." == "Next!!!!" Two Texans were standing at the bar, drinking shots, when a woman at the other end of the bar started to choke on a small piece of Bar-B-Que Chicken she had ordered. Tex said to Slim, "That gal looks like she's chokin' to death, Think we should help her?" Slim said, "yes siree bob!" So Slim runs down to the lady and says," Can you speak?" she shakes her head no. "Are you choking to death?", he asks. She nods her head yes. The lady is turning blue. Slim spins the lady round and slams her chest into the bar top. Bending her over he rips off her skirt. Then he rips off her panties.. Then Slim runs his tongue up the crack of her bare ass. With this she gasps loudly, spitting out the chicken. She begins to breathe. Slim walks back to the end of the bar and picks up his shot glass of whiskey and proceeds to take a drink.. Tex says, "that's great Slim." "Ain't nothing kid," said Slim, "That old 'Hind Lick Manoeuvre' works every time." > A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormonesxyou've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls." A nun and a priest are wandering, lost, in the desert, when all of a sudden their camel up and dies. Seeing nothing but sand around them for miles, they prepare themselves to meet their Maker. The Priest, knowing that he's mere hours away from death, says: "You know, I've never seen a woman's breasts before. Since it probably won't matter any more soon anyways, would you show me yours?" The nun agrees, and shows him. He asks, "May I touch them?" She agrees, and he tells her with complete sincerity that they're very nice. Next, the nun says that she's never seen a man's penis before, and would he mind showing her his. He agrees, and whips it out. "That's very nice!" She says. "May I touch it?" He agrees, and she fondles him, resulting, of course, in a large chubby. The priest, now overcome with years of pent-up lust, says: "You know, if I put my penis in the right place, it can give life!" She asks, "Is that so?" "Yes!" "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and let's get the hell out of here!" There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin... However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter! After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!! He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!" ...david copperfield is approaching the end of his show and asks the audience if anyone has a trick they would like to show. One guy puts up his hand and makes his way to the stage. "to perform my trick I need a table and the use of your assistant Claudia Schiffer" he tells Copperfield. A table is brought on stage and out comes Claudia. He asks her to bend over the table, whips his trousers down and starts pumping her from behind. "HeyHooo!!!!" cries Copperfield, "that's not a trick!!!!!" "No", says the man, "but it's fucking magic."!!!!!