Actual bumper stickers: * Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * All men are idiots, and I married their King. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * Montana -- At least our cows are sane! * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. * Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. * Where there's a will, I want to be in it. * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. * I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse. * Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. * Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? * Keep honking...I'm reloading Subject: adam and 'woman' One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?", The Lord replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you." "What's a 'woman', Lord?" "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice. "Sounds great." "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies. "She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, and a ear." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks the Lord, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?" Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow. "Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." He replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days+ events, faced Jane and asked the big question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. - Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough," Said the game show host," CONGRATULATIONS!! On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky, you bitch." The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky, you slut." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours." Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard..." Subject: Microsoft to buy the U.S. Government REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone". Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer. In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft. Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing". When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place". Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products. About Microsoft Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day. About the United States Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation. A Walk in the Garden A few days letting Adam and Eve settle in, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand for a walk in the garden. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam again took Eve for a walk in the garden. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam began to take Eve for another walk, but this time he reappeared in only seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'" A comparison of World Religions Taoism: Shit Happens. Confucianism: Confucius say: "Shit Happens." Buddhism: If shit happens, is it really shit? Zen Buddhism: What is the sound of shit happening? Hinduism: This shit happened before. Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama rama ding ding. Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah. Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else. Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it. Judiasm: Why does shit always happen to us? Unitarianism: What is this shit? Pentacostalism: Praise the shit! Jehovah's Witness: *knock* *knock* "Shit happens." Mormonism: Shit happens again and again and again. New Age: Shit happens and it happens to smell good. Atheism: I don't believe this shit. Rastafarianism: Let's roll this shit up and smoke it! Satanism: We caused this shit to happen. One day a priest was listening to confessions. One man said, "Father, last weekend I did a terrible thing. I went downtown and got a blowjob." The sheltered priest was not sure what the man meant, and asked, "What's a blowjob?" The man replied, "Oh, about twenty bucks." The priest didn't want to appear really ignorant, so he dropped the subject. But later that day, he saw the Mother Superior and asked her, "Mother Superior, what's a blowjob?" She replied, "Twenty bucks - same as downtown." A LESSON IN COMPUTER ACRONYMS PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms ISDN It Still Does Nothing SCSI System Can't See It DOS Defective Operating System BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM I Blame Microsoft DEC Do Expect Cuts CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too. WWW World Wide Wait MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers RISC Reduced Into Silly Code What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off of you when you die. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they mess up everything forever. What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. Lawyer's Creed: A man is innocent until proven broke. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk of course; the other 3 don't exist. It was so cold last winter...(How cold was it?) It was so cold...that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. A man walked into a lawyer's office and asked, "What are you rates?" "Fifty dollars for 3 questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?" You are trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with 2 bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice--to make sure he's dead. Redneck Computer Glossary Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods Bar Code - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick Byte - What your pitbull dun to cusin Jethro Cache - Needed when you run out of food stamps Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in Computer Terminal - Time to call the undertaker Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited Digital - The art of counting on your fingers Diskette - Female Disco dancer Fax - What you lie about to the IRS Floppy - What you don't want to see on your honeymoon Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos Internet - Where cafeteria workers put thier hair Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers Modem - What ya do when the grass gets too high Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test ROM - Where the pope lives Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons" :-) means a smile and :-( is a frown. Well what about those "ass icons"? (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_._) A flat ass (_*_) A sore ass (_!__) A lopsided ass {_!_} A swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around (_O_) an ass that's been around even more (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) Leave my ass alone (_zzz_) A tired ass (_o^o_) A wise ass (_13_) An unlucky ass SOME IMPONDERABLES FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong? If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? What was the best thing before sliced bread? After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confess, " I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor. The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke ........ The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for? ---------------------------------- Things NOT to say during sex... Is it in? That's it? Hurry up, the game's about to start! Are you trying to be funny? Are those real? Is that smell coming from you? You're so much like your sister.... What's your name again? I knew you wore a padded bra!! Cover me boys, I'm going in!!! DIVE! DIVE! DIVE! Hold on, let me change the channel... Suck my d!ck, bitch How much do I owe you? Can you hold this sandwich for me? Wanna see me take out my glass eye? Can I tell my friends about this? Mooooo!! Fire in the hole!!! Don't squirm, you're spilling my beer! Let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t -------------------------------- Sick Jokes! Very very stupid: A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...like a telephone...on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender ... "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy, spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper stuck up his ass. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just receiving a fax." -------------------------------- Little Bobby every night hears a thumping coming from his parents bedroom, so one night he opens the door and sees Mommy on top of Daddy. Mommy is freaked out that Bobby sees this. The next morning Bobby asks Mommy what she was doing on top of Daddy, so Mommy says "I jump on Daddy every night to flatten his belly because he is so fat." Little Bobby says "Mommy it won't work because after you leave in the morning the lady from next door comes over and blows him back up!" BOB LEVEY'S WASHINGTON POST We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights: 1. Said he was so well qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent. 2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application. 3. Brought her large dog to the interview. 4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles. 5. Candidate kept giggling through serious interview. 6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to the music and me at the same time. 7. Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece. 8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle. 9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate. 10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office. 11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview. 12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president. 13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. 14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions. 15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police. 16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office. 17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him. 18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet. 19. Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left. 20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him. 21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal. 22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much. 23. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold. 24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview. 25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer. 26. An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus. 27. His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume. 28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped. 29. He took off his right shoe and sock, opened a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time. 30. Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one. 31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking. 32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security. 33. She threw up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened. 34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk. 35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview. The Washington Post Report from Week 228, in which you were asked to tell Gen-Xers how much harder you had it in the old days: Second Runner-Up: In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today. (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the winner of the velour bicentennial poster: In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Honorable Mentions: In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) In my day, attitudes were different. For example, women didn't like sex. At least that is what they told me. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had real doggie-do, and no one thought it was a damn bit funny. (Brendan Bassett, Columbia) Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. (Russell Beland, Springfield) In my day, we didn't have days. There was only time for work, time for prayer and time for sleep. The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a comet. (David Ronka, Charlottesville) In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the damn way to the Silver Spring station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar. (Russell Beland, Springfield) In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. (Diana Hugue, Bowie) In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did. (Peg Sheeran, Vienna) Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) In my day, we wore our pants up around our armpits. Monstrous wedgies, but we looked snappy. (Bruce Evans, Washington) Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal 60-year-old guys. (Russell Beland, Springfield, & Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him. (Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover) Are you feeling old? If not, consider this: The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980. The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were conceived. They have no memory of a time before MTV. "New Wave" is their PARENTS' musical generation. Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, the Pretenders, and the Kinks are all old music they have heard of, if they have heard of it at all. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era. They were pre-pubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. If they have heard the name "Oliver North," it was probably as a losing Congressional candidate, or perhaps in some obscure survey history text's reference, such as might be made to Huey Long or Teapot Dome. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. Their world has always included AIDS. Having not lived through the Disco Scare, they can romanticize the 1970s. They see "Family Ties" as something middle aged ladies watch. They watched "Star Wars" years ago, when they were kids-on video. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes; they may have heard of an 8-track, but probably never actually seen (or heard) one. From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once and threw away. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents. The oil crisis is history of which they probably know nothing-and why anyone WOULDN'T buy a Suburban is beyond them. --------- Something to think about...Billy Idol was in a band called"Generation X" that had multiple gold records in the 70's before breaking up in 1981. The term "Generation X" came from a sixties paperback novel; referring to post-boomer kids born in the late fifties and early sixties who "talked openly about sex, drugs, and rock and roll". When "Gen X" ended, this year's college freshmen were 1year old. An elderly priest invited a young rabbi over for dinner. During the meal, the young rabbi couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young rabbi's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since your young rabbi friend came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Rabbi: I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a silver gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here." Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young rabbi which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now." The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the drawer. If the pig is drawn: Toward the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic. Toward the middle, you are a realist. Toward the bottom, you are pessimistic, and have a tendency to behave negatively. Facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember dates (birthdays, etc.) Facing right, you are innovative and active, but don't have a strong sense of family, nor do you remember dates. Facing front (looking at you), you are direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions. With many details, you are analytical, cautious, and distrustful. With few details, you are emotional and naive, you care little for details and are a risk-taker. With less than 4 legs showing, you are insecure or are living through a period of major change. With 4 legs showing, you are secure, stubborn, and stick to your ideals. The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are. The bigger the better. The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life!!!! (And again more is better!) THE MICE Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot of whiskey and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot of whiskey. The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those rat poison tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat." TRUISMS...... If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. He who hesitates is probably right. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. Two wrongs are only the beginning. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Don't sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things. A fool and his money are soon partying. Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade! Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you! Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. OK, so what's the speed of dark? Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Black holes are where God divided by zero. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand HOW TO TELL YOU'RE AN E-MAIL JUNKIE 1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 2. You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom. 3.You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap ...and your child in the overhead compartment. 5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. 6. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems. 7. You start using smileys in your snail mail. 8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com 9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 10.You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. 11.You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. 12.You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask. 13.You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. 14.You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html 15.You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 16.After reading this message, you immediately E-mail it to a friend. 17.You are on a joke list like this one.