A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man re-appeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar - as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!" A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor Told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. >When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Damm it, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!" The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes into the forest. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out just two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit." Subject: men vs women THE PERFECT DAY - HER 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses 9:00 5lbs lighter on the scale 9:30 Light Breakfast 11:00 Sunbathe 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1:45 Shopping 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30 lbs 3:00 Facial, massage, nap 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 10:00 Make love 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms THE PERFECT DAY - HIM 6:45 Alarm 7:00-7:30 Shower and massage 7:30-7:45 Blowjob 7:45-8:15 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys 8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club 11:30-12:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens 12:30-12:45 Blowjob 12:45-2:30 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini 3:30-6:15 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap 6:15-6:30 Blowjob 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit. 7:30 Shit, shower, shave. 8:00-9:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals). 9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettuchini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brulet, Louis XIV Cognac, Cohiba Lancero 10:30-11:30 Sex with 3 women (minimum of two with mixed racial origin). 11:30-12:00 Whirlpool, steam and massage Midnight Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Sleep. A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door." Bill, Hillary, and Al were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left." God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain." God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right." God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?" "I believe you're in my chair." Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, and Ross Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy." Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy." Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he chimes in, "I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy." This is classic....... In case you've ever wondered why ignorance rises in the corporate world, here is the mathematical proof: From the old adages: Knowledge is Power. Time is Money. And, from high school physics we all know: Power = Work / Time Thus, if Knowledge = Power and Time = Money then, Knowledge = Work / Money Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge Thus, Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero, regardless of the Work done. What this means is: The Less you Know, the More you Make. Theory Proven !! 19 Ways to Annoy A Public Bathroom Stallmate 1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?" 2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that." 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold." 5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!" 6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly. 8. Say, "Now how did that get there?" 9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus." 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!" 11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers." 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?" 13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me." 14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast. 15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot." 16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?" 17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!" What does Tiger Woods have that Princess Diana did not have? A Good Driver For all you dog lovers out there, here are some of the lessor known breeds that are being bred in different parts of the United States, Crossbeed Dogs: Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed The tale of Nurse Jenny... Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall, the hear: "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!" THE WORLD"S 25 SHORTEST BOOKS 25. Things I Wouldn't do for Money by Dennis Rodman 24. Human Rights Advances in China 23. The Differences Between Reality and Dilbert 22. The Book of Virtue by Bill Clinton 21. To all the Men I've Loved Before by Ellen 20. Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes 19. My Plan to Find the Real Killers by OJ Simpson 18. Al Gore: The Wild Years 17. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean 16. America's Most Popular Lawyers 15. Career Opportunities for History Majors 14. Detroit - A Travel Guide 13. Different Ways to Spell "Bob" 12. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches 11. Easy UNIX 10. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance 9. Everything Men Know About Women 8. Everything Women Know About Men 7. French Hospitality 6. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names 5. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel 4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA 3. Staple Your Way to Success 2. The Amish Phone Book And the Number One World's Shortest Book: 1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion