A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead. "Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?" The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage. "Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead." Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?" "That will be $330." the vet replied. "I don't believe it!!!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330???" "Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan." FAMOUS QUOTES USING THE WORD FUCK: "What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima "Thats not a real fucking gun." John Lennon "Who's gonna fucking find out?" Richard Nixon "Heads are going to fucking roll." Anne Boleyn "What fucking map?" Mark Thatcher "Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein "It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso "How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Michaelangelo "Fuck a duck." Walt Disney "Why?- Because its fucking there!" Edmund Hilary "I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc "Scattered fucking showers my ass." Noah "Let the fucking woman drive." Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger" "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." John F. Kennedy A Glossary of English/German Motoring Terms Indicators Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken Bonnet (Hood) Die Pullnob und knucklechopper Exhaust Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben Clutch Die Kulink mit schlippen und schaken Puncture Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken Learner Die twatte mit ellplatz Estate Car Der Bagmerroom furschagginkinauto Parking Meter Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenqweer Windscreen Wiper Der Flippenflappen muckenschpredder Footbrake Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenquick Gear lever Bigenschticken fur Kangarooshtoppen Breathalyser Die Puffitintem fur Pistenarsen Rear View Mirror Der Yokhunter Tucklosen Seat Belt Der Klunkinklikker Frauleintrapper Headlights Das Dipperenderdazzlubastad Exhaust (old cars) Der Kaffenundschpitpolluter Highway Code Der Wipenfurarsen Fog Warning Die Puttenfootdownen und fukkit Traffic jam Die Bluddifukkinnk Dammundblast Rear Seat Der Schpringentester mit Fraulein Tyres Flahttfarts Backfire Der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen Juggernaut Der Fukkengrett Trucken Accident Der Bledinmess Garage Der heiway Robberung Cyclist Der pedallpushinink Pillocken Skid Der Banannan Waltzen Double White Lines Overtaken und Krunchen Near Accident Der Fukken ner Schittenselfen A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist." Q: What does an eighty-year-old have between her breasts that a twenty-year-old doesn't? A: A belly button. THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY: 10. Could our relationship be more Physical? I'm tired of just being friends. 9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way. 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy. 7. Hey, get a whiff of that one. 6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute. 5. This diamond is way too big. 4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow. 3. Wow, it really is 14 inches! 2. Does this make my butt look too small? 1. I'm wrong, you must be right again. THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY 10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker. 9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer? 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy. 7. Her tits are just too big. 6. Sometimes I just want to be held. 5. That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody. 4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom. 3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse. 2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown. 1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions. A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks. Q: What are the 70 things women love most? A: 69 and shopping ----------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbit died in a car crash? A: Some dick cut her off. -------------------------------------------------------- A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York = City restaurant. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that = the 3 men are furiously masturbating! She asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?", to which one of the = men replied, "We all berry hungry"! She responds, "But why are you whacking off?" One of the three says, "Because menu say "first come, first served!" Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells. St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates. St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?" 1st nun : "Adam and Eve" The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates. St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?" 2nd nun : "An apple" The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates. And finally it came the turn of the last nun. St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?" After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!" The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates! **BONUS** Sherlock holmes stood at the gates of Heaven pulling at his pipe awaiting his turn. "I'll let you in", said St. Peter, "if you'll tell me who among these was the first mortal". "Thats elementary, my dear St. Peter", said the great detective, "He's the one without a bellybutton". Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them." The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small world." NOAH's ARK - A Modern Tale --------------------------- And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark," said the Lord. And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis. "Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. "Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. "Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS (The tax authorities) has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. "I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully. "Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood. Something Man invented himself." "What's that?" asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke: "Government." A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so she is over come with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next." Jerry Seinfeld: ON DATING: Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?" What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later." ON SEX: Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements. If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm -- all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong direction. "I was first." "Let me through." "You're on my tail." "That's my spot." They're like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very cool: "Well, who's it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. I'm not swimming anywhere." THE RELATIONSHIP: Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy . . . Get off here, now!" But the man is focusing on sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can make it." Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't. Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the engine. He's sitting on the curb all alone, "I guess I didn't realize how many miles I was racking up." The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy. ON CLOTHES: I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!" TRAVELING: I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch. You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each. Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit ..."