TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP WHEN YOUR PULLED OVER 10 Back off Barney, I've got a piece. 9 Wanta race to the station, Sparky? 8 I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout! 7 On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack. 6 You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy! 5 Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes! 4 Hey wasn't your daughter a pork queen? 3 How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me. 2 Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me? 1 I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special! MORE OF THE BEST OF CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT (from "Carson's Comedy Classics," weeknights at 11:00pm eastern on the Family Channel) ANSWER: Gatorade. QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare? A: Bible belt. Q: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants? A: Milk and honey. Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder? A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday. Q: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles. A: Black and white and twenty feet tall. Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong. A: Ben Gay. Q: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids? A: An unmarried woman. Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952? A: Disjoint. Q: What was dat hippie smoking? A: The Laughing Policeman. Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself? A: Dustin Hoffman. Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman. A: Until he gets caught. Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve? A: Old wives tale. Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest? A: Rub-a-dub-dub. Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub? A: Shareholder. Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be? A: Skalliwags. Q: What does your skalli do when it's happy? A: David Frost. Q: On a cold morning what forms on your david? A: Head and shoulders. Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car? A: Hickory Dickory Dock. Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory? A: "Rose Bowl." Q: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley? A: That darn cat. Q: Who ruined that darn rug? A: High rollers. Q: Describe a stoned bowling team. A: Gunga din. Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga? A: "Follow the yellow brick road." Q: What are good directions to a urologist's office? A: At both ends. Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles? A: Igloo. Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off? A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S. Q: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"? A: Grape Nuts. Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo? A: Supervisor. Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes? A: Crabgrass. Q: What do crabs get high on? A: Shake-N-Bake. Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno. A: Blazing Saddles. Q: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch? A: Flypaper. Q: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper? A: Deep freeze. Q: Name an Eskimo porno film. A: Bedbug. Q: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker? An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next? God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man!" Four days and 2000 miles (3200km) later, I have somehow survived the Great Snowboard Massacre of 1996 -- but snowboarding (as a topic) will have to wait; *this* opener's topic is "TRAVELING WITH KIDS." For all the parents on the list, let me put this weekend into perspective: 1. Me 2. Two kids: my eleven-year old niece and thirteen-year-old nephew 3. Two nights 4. Eight hundred miles in the car No sweat, right? Wrong. I am a bachelor. I'm also a firm believer in what I call the "Rent-A- Kid"(tm) concept: you check out one or two children for a day (preferably related, although any children -- neighbors' kids, etc. -- will suffice in a bona fide Rent-A-Kid(tm) emergency), take them someplace fun for a while, and check them back in once you've reaffirmed your commitment to remain single and childless. Sometimes, this can take as long as twenty minutes. This weekend was particularly unique, though, in that I've never checked the kids out for more than twelve hours, nor have I ever soloed more than one child at a time. The trip was two days and 800 miles in the car, and -- being new to this sport -- I was not previously aware of the need for "child activities." Needless to say, I need a vacation. So does my car. Let's talk kids. First, there's my niece, Megan. Megan is, very objectively, very beautiful. Eleven years old, and absolutely drop-dead gorgeous. (Fully-grown women hate her already, and she can't figure out why.) She is also not my brother's child; most likely, she was accidentally switched in the nursery at birth. "Why," you ask, "do you say that?" Easy. If you'd ever seen my brother or his ex-wife, you'd realize that there's simply no way either of them could have produced this child. Somewhere, there is a supermodel couple wondering how their kid got screwed over by the gene pool. However, Megan *does* follow the conservation-of-looks-and-brains theorem (I'm gonna burn for this one), which states that the sum of a girl's "appearance" figure (scale of 0 - 10) times ten plus her I.Q. equals a constant somewhere around 150. In Megan's case, this formula leaves only about 50 points available for I.Q. For example, here is a typical Megan conversation -- and one that actually occurred this past weekend: Megan: Me: Megan, is something wrong? Megan: I can't find my sunglasses ... Me: They're on your head, sweetheart. Megan: Oh. Okay, so perhaps she *is* my brother's child. But the similarity ends there. Then there's my nephew, Justin, who (at thirteen) is just beginning to outgrow the "whining" stage -- something he'll grow back into once he's married, I'm sure. Justin is, unfortunately, living justification of women's claims that males can (and do) out-whine females; Justin doesn't even leave us room for argument. Sixteen hours in the car with him, and you realize why some animals eat their young. Actually, I had fifteen and a half hours to contemplate that thought, since it was first consciously considered about thirty minutes out of port. The trip was not without its high points -- I did, after all, learn some very important things about traveling in the car with children. I'd like to share some of them with you, as they may be of use to other bachelors planning to expand the daily Rent-A-Kid(tm) plan into a weekend getaway: 1. Keep them separate! Yes, if the children's ages differ by less than five years, you will need to put some space between them. The following formula provides a good rule of thumb: safe_distance = 5.0 / (age_of_older_child - age_of_younger_child) Note that this measurement is made in miles. Thus, for two children who are two years apart, 2.5 miles should be a safe distance. Twins should never travel within the same solar system. 2. Keep them occupied. Anything that can hold a child's attention for more than five minutes will work. For girls, the license-plate game is always loads of fun. And for boys, I've found the "hit the other car with the paint bomb" game to be very effective, despite its potential liability. Warning: Some people have no sense of humor. Use a fast car. 3. Bring duct tape. Don't use common clear-plastic tape, as it is easier for the children to remove (or bite through). Duct tape also absorbs a great deal of sound. 4. In case all else fails, carry cyanide pills. Not for them; for you. (For those who are interested/concerned at this point: Yes, at the combined suggestions of the Department of Health and Human Services, the Environmental Protection Agency and the Maryland State Department of Corrections, I have decided to *not* have any children of my own. Plus, it's so much fun terrorizing OTHER people's kids.) Seriously, though, it's really not all that bad. In fact, there are some really *nice* things about being away with the kids for a weekend; for example, it's (ironically) easier to meet women when you have kids with you. Why, just look at this sample conversation: Woman: Hey, what are you doing in here? Me: Sorry. My niece had to go to the bathroom. Megan: Uncle Vinnie, isn't she the one you said had "a really nice butt"? Me: Shush, Megan. Heh ... 'Kids'! No telling *where* they get their crazy ideas from, huh? Woman: If you don't get out of here ... Me: Sorry, Miss, but she can't go to the bathroom alone, yet. She'll be out in just a minute ... Megan: But Uncle Vinnie, I *told* you I could go to the bathroom alone. I've been going to the bathroom by myself for *years* ... Me: *Quiet*, Megan! Woman: I'm calling the police ... Me: Does this mean that dinner's out of the question? See? In no time at all, I managed to strike up a meaningful conversation with a total stranger -- a conversation that, years from now, I'll be able to look back upon fondly and say, "Yes, Mr. Warden, Sir, I *do* believe that I have served my debt to society and that I should be eligible for parole." Sure, I could have managed that *without* Megan's help, but it's just so much easier when you have kids with you. Traveling with kids also provides a great learning opportunity for them. Justin, for example, learned how to read maps and project E.T.A.s on this trip. Megan learned her phone number. And every kiddie question is *not* merely an annoyance, but an opportunity to help expand their knowledge: Q: Where are we? A: We're in Egypt, Megan. Do you know where *that* is? Q: What river was that? A: That was the Amazon River. Do you know where *that* is? Q: Wow, I can see *mountains*! Are those the Anna-pla ... Appa-lay ... Appalachians? A: No, dear, those are the Himalayas. Q: Is that where we're going skiing? A: Yes -- we're going skiing in the Himalayas. Q: Isn't that where Bigfoot lives? A: Yes, it is. And did you know that he likes to eat small children while they sleep? Never pass up an opportunity to further a child's education. :-) SOME IMPORTANT THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS ARE ANSWERED IF WE THINK OF GOD AS A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER. Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life? A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables. Q: Why does God allow evil to happen? A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs. Q: Does God know everything? A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes on in the overnight job. Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs? A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow. Q: Did God really create the world in seven days? A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him. Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended? A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase. Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang? A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but doubt that it will ever be implemented. Q: Who is Satan? A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant. Q: What is the role of sinners? A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof. Q: Where will I go after I die? A: Onto a backup tape. Q: Will I be reincarnated? A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching backup files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost. Q: Am I unique and special in the universe? A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version. Q: What is the purpose of the universe? A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack senseless features onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever. Q: If I pray to God, will he listen? A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program. Q: What is the one true religion? A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down. Q: How can I protect myself from evil? A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday. Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true? A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail. Q: Some people say God is Love. A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a question. Abort, Retry, Fail? I was told this as a true story. A woman called the phone company to check her phone line. It seems that her daughter complained that she had to ring her mother's phone many times before she would finally answer. The mother said she only heard it ring 1 to 2 times before she answered. The repair person (politically correct) knew something was up when the mother said she felt her dog was psychic. The dog would start barking just before the phone would ring. He found that someone (politically correct not to accuse) had disconnected the phone ground line and used it to tie off the dog's chain to his metal collar. Apparently when the call came in, the dog would see the >90 volts DC, but was not a good enough ground to allow the ring. That occurred when he urinated and made a good ground. An 81 year old man married his twenty three year old secretary. On their wedding night, she waited in bed while he got into his nightshirt. Finally, he emerged, climbed into bed, and held up the five fingers on his right hand. "My goodness," she cried. "You want to do it five times?" "No, he replied. "I want you to pick a finger." A lady approaches a priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?", the priest asked. "They only know how to say `Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'" "That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." "Thank you." said the lady. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BEADS AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!" What The Professor Really Means You'll be using one of the leading I used it as a grad student. textbooks in the field. If you follow these few simple rules, If you don't need any sleep, you'll do fine in the course. you'll do fine in the course. The gist of what the author is saying I don't understand the is what's most important. details either Various authorities agree that... My hunch is that... The answer to your question is beyond I don't know. the scope of this class. You'll have to see me during my office I don't know. hours for a thorough answer to your question. In answer to your question, you must I really don't know. recognize that there are several disparate points of view. Today we are going to discuss a most Today we are going to discuss my important topic. dissertation. Unfortunately, we haven't the time to I disagree with what roughly consider all of the people who made half of the people in this field contributions to this field. have said. We can continue this discussion outside 1. I'm tired of this - let's of class. quit. 2. You're winning the argument - let's quit Today we'll let a member of the class I stayed out too late last lead the discussion. It will be a good night and didn't have time to educational experience. prepare a lecture. Any questions? I'm ready to let you go. The implications of this study are I don't know what it means either, clear. but there'll be a question about it on the test. The test will be 50-questions The test will be 60-questions multiple choice. multiple guess, plus three short-answer questions (1000 words or more, and no one will score above 55 per cent. The test scores were generally good. Some of you managed a C+. The test scores were a little below Where was the party last night? my expectations. Some of you could have done better. Everyone flunked. Before we begin the lecture for Has anyone opened the book yet? today, are there any questions about previous material? According to my sources... According to the guy who taught this class last year... It's been very rewarding to teach I hope they find someone else to this class. teach it next year. A man wanted a hundred dollar bill tatooed to his penis. So he goes to a Tatoo Shop and makes the request. The Tatoo designer tells him that it would cost him $1000.00 to do the special bizarre request. The guy thinks for a while and decides that its a fair price. The designer starts the tatoo-ing and in the middle of the job asks the man, "Why are you doing this?" The man replies, "That's personal." With that, the designer continues to do the tatoo. The designer intrigued by such a bizarre request he tells the customer, "I'll waive the $1000.00 if you tell me why you are doing this." The man thinks again and replies, "Okay, that's reasonable." The man continues, "There are three reasons, first I like to play with money, second I like to watch money grow, and third and the most important, if my wife wants to blow a hundred, well, she can do right at home" Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering it's hull and sinking the vessel within minutes. They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet. why arent there many irish lawyers? b/c they cant pass the bar. Kids say the darnedest things. Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples: - The future of "I give" is "I take." - The parts of speech are lungs and air. - The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. - A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population. - Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. - (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water. - A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot. - The general direction of the Alps is straight up. - A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator. - Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris. - The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums. - The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. - We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk. - One of the main causes of dust is janitors. - A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities. - One by-product of raising cattle is calves. - To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat. - The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. - The climate is hottest next to the Creator. - Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings. - The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. - Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners. - The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other. - In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon. - Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. - In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah. - A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter. This one guy was at a theater and he was sprawled out over 3 seats. The usher came by and told the guy to move. The guy mumbled but didn't answer. He went and got the manager. The manager said to the man, "Sir, if you don't move, I'll call the police to have you removed." The guy mumbled, but didn't answer. So the manager called the police and a cop came over. The cop said to the man, "Hey mister. What's your name?" The man said,"Pete." The cop asked,"Where ya from, Pete?" He said, "The balcony." BEER AND DRINKING ----------------- Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder. Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomaches. --David Daye Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --Oscar Wilde When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? Beer is good food. You don't like jail? Naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there. --Charles Bukowski If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank. Life is too short to drink cheap beer. Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore Beer: Nature's laxative. Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother! One more drink and I'd be under the host. --Dorothy Parker All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow. --Dave Barry When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. --Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time. --A Wolverine is Eating My Leg The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer. If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take the nothing... Draft beer, not people! Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat. --David Geary Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton A drink a day keeps the shrink away. --Edward Abbey People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI Put it back in the horse! --H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, after he drank his first American beer at a bar. Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the tree. The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friend, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in." Interesting Facts: The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane. Emus cannot walk backwards. The United States government keeps its supply of silver at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, NY. There are only thirteen blimps in the world. Nine of the thirteen blimps are in the United States. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie. Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of "F." Camel's milk does not curdle. Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P. Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants. Since 1896, the beginning of the modern Olympics, only Greece and Australia have participated in every Olympics. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. It takes a lobster approximately seven years to grow to be one pound. Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonald's. Giraffes have no vocal cords. The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category. Roger Ebert is the only film critic to have ever won the Pulitzer prize. Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church. Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes. The first Ford cars had Dodge engines. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. The most common name in the world is Mohammed. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver". In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw it as competition. The only two days of the year in which there are no North American professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburg. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass. Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled. The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled. Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger' going to shake his peter at you." A KID WALKS BY A BAR WITH A CROWBAR, OLD MAN AT THE BAR SAYS TO THE KID WHATS THAT ,KID SAYS "ITS ACROWBAR " OLD MAN SAYS " WHERE YOU GOING WITH THAT KID "IMGOING TO GET SOME CROWS WANNA GO "NO SAIS THE OLD MAN" AN HOUR LATER THE KID COMES WALKING BACK WITH A BUNCH OF DEAD CROWS. THE KID COMES BACK HALF HOUR LATER THE OLD MAN SAYS "WHATS THAT" KID SAYS" ITS DUCT TAPE IM GOING HUNTING FOR SOME DUCKS 'WANNA GO" NOTHANKS SAYS THE OLD MAN KID COMES BACK HE'S GOT ABUNCH OF DUCKS STRAPPED TO HIS BACK. HALF HOUR LATER THE KID COMES BACK . OLD MAN SAYS" WHATS THAT YOUGOT THEIR. KID SAYS" ITS SOME PUSSYWILLOW" OLD MAN SAYS "ILL GET MY HAT. Here are some highlights of ER admissions to Chicago General over the past year: - A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode. - A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least-- during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch". - The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint. - A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After 30 minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" - A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly "You mean like having sex with our dog?" - A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. She went to the bathroom and "gagged myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either." DIO PONTI , KAI I DIO MARANGI DOULEVANE SE ENA SPITI PAI O MARANGOS NA KOPSI ENA KOMATI KSILO. OPOS TO KOVI TOU PEFTI TO PRIONI KAI KOVI TOU ALUNOU TO AFTI . TOU FONASI O ALOS KAI TOU LAI RE MALAKA MOU BGALES TO AFTI TI NA KANO TORA. O ALOS TOU LAI ," AKOU NA TELIOSOUME TIN DOULIA KAI ISTERA THA TO PSAKSOUME NA DOUME POU EPESE" I IMERA TELIONI KAI PANE KATO NA VROUNE TO AFTI. PSAKNOUN KAI PSAKNOUN, KAI TOU LAI O ENAS " NATO TO BRIKA" TOU LAI O ALOS "BRE MALAKA AFTO THE EINAI TO DIKOMOU TO AFTI ,TO KOMOU EIHAI ENA MOLIVI ETHO PISO" DIO PONTI SE ENA EROPLANO SOCRATES KAI O LEONIDAS O SOCRATES KIMATE LEONIDAS:SOCRATE TO AEROPLANO PEFTI SOCRATES: ASSEME NA KIMITHO RE LEONIDAS: SOCRATE TO AEROPLANO PEFTI SOCRATIS:VRE ASSEME NA KIMITHO RE GAMMOTO LEONIDAS:VRE AKOU POU SOU LEON TO AEROPLANO PEFTI SOCRATIS MISOS KIMISMENOS: TI SE NIASIE BRE MALAKA EINAI DIKOSOU WHAT DOES MICHAEL JACKSON AND K-MART HAVE IN COMMON both have boys pants half off.