Cultural Differences Explained ============================== Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad. Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad. Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad. Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club. Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves. Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job. Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer. Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness. Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them. Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem. Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box. Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels. Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels. Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them. Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball. Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby. Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball. Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in. Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English". Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English". Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans. Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid. Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country. Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country. Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer. Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer. Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss. Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it. Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect. Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things. Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers. Recently, the Minnesota Orchestra was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims..... Now at this point, you must understand two things: 1. There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page. 2. There is a night club right across the street from the Minnesota's Orchestra Hall, rather favored by local musicians. It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and drink a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late." Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other." So they had another round, and finally returned to the Opera house, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! And why not? After all... It was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied. sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and he is finally sick of the stress. he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in west virginia; as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. after 6 months or so in total isolation, he is finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. he opens it and there stands a large pot-bellied hillbilly with a long red beard and rotten teeth. "names enoch...your neighbour from four miles over the ridge...havin a party saturday night....thought you might like to come" "great!" says sam "after 6 months of this i'm ready to meet some local folks" as enoch is leaving he says "gotta warn you...there's gonna be some drinkin" sam says "no problem...after 25 years in the computer business i can drink with the best of them" again, he starts to leave and stops again... "more than likely going to be some fightin too" "shit" sam thinks "tough crowd" "well, i get along with people. I'll be there...thanks again!" once again enoch turns around as he is leaving... "i've seen some wild sex at these parties, too" "now that's not a problem" says sam "remember that i have been alone for 6 months! i will definitely be there.....by the way.....what should i wear? enoch stops at the door and says... "whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us" A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with a kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white snow would provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line; began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. Now, if you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. SHe had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiiers. The women skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broker her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last, her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital. In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man, with an obviously broken leg, was put on a bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the damndest thing you ever saw", he said. "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy women skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare butt hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees." "I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift? "So, how'd you break your arm?" matter of interpretation ************ When I take a long time I am slow When my boss takes a long time He is thorough ---------------------------------- When I don't do it I am lazy When my boss doesn't do it He is too busy ---------------------------------- When I do something without being told I am trying to be smart When my boss does the same That is initiative ---------------------------------- When I please my boss I'm ass-kissing When my boss pleases his boss He's co-operating ---------------------------------- When I do good My boss never remembers When I do wrong He never forgets ---------------------------------- QUOTES ON THE NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...." Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things." Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time." John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others." Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it." Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest." Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing." Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for." Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe." Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed." Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge." Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." Businessman goes to Vegas. Loses all his money. He's trying to get a ride to the airport, and a taxi stops. He asks the driver for a favor, and he promised to pay him back. The cab driver tells him to go fuck himself. So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?" "What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok, fine" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.