A young single guy on a cruise ship is having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?" "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks. "Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does. Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm nailing!" Sally and Eric are in their hotel room on their wedding night, preparing to consumate their marriage. Sally says, "I have one thing to tell you before we get in bed--I've had sex with one other man before I met you." Eric ponders that for a minute and says, "That's no big deal. Who was it?" She lowers her eyes and replies, "Jack Nicklaus." They jump into bed and have a good session. Afterwards, Eric gets out of bed and begins to put on his underwear. "What are you doing?" asks Sally. "I thought I'd get dressed and get some coffee." Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that." "No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?" "He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again." "All right!" he says, "let's go." They have another pretty good session, a little longer this time. Wearily, Eric gets to his feet and begins to put on his underwear. "What are you doing?" asks Sally. "I thought I'd dress and get some coffee." Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that." "No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?" "He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again." Eric climbs back into bed, and this time a virtual marathon takes place. Afterward, he slinks out of bed, braces himself against the bedpost, and tries to get a leg in his underwear. "Now what are you doing?" asks Sally. "I'm gonna get dressed and have some coffee." Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that." "No?" says Eric, "WHAT WOULD JACK HAVE DONE NOW?" "He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again." Eric plods to the nightstand and picks up the phone. "Who are you calling?" Sally asks. "Jack Nicklaus. I want to find out what par is on this goddamn hole!" Three men die and get sent to heaven, where they meet St. Peter, who asks the first man what he had done with his life. The man replied, "I worked in the emergency room as a doctor, helping injured people." St. Peter said, "That is a fine life to have lived. Come inside and welcome to heaven." St Peter asked the second man what he had done with his life. The man replied, "I worked as a family physician. I tried to keep whole families well and in good health." St Peter said, "That is a noble profession. Come inside and welcome to heaven." St Peter turned to the third man and said, "What did you do with your life?" The man answered, "I worked for an HMO Company." St Peter went to his computer and typed on the keys for awhile, then went to several thick reference books, and then made a few phone calls, at the end of which he turns to the third man and says, "O.K. You can come in for five days." A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area: However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you want?" The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight." The old Chinese man says, "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter" The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning." The old Chinese man counters, "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man." "OK, OK", the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering),he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather, and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself,"Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience." Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying: "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb. rock on your chest". "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock was another sign saying: "2nd Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle". The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying: "3rd Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost". "722-4822" by Patrick Hanifin Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, 'You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!" And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 722-4822. The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front. I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up. The jerk said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah.." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up. Then I called Jerk #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jerk!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away. A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, "We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!" It was suppose to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed. It was Christmas eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners. Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN"T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?" Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year???" And thus the tradition of Angels perched atop the Christmas trees ame to pass. . . . . THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO TEACHERS IN THE ALBURQUERQUE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BY PARENTS OF STUDENTS: Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits. So, it seems this man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's sitting there, the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some peanuts and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the man, "Did you see what your monkey just did!" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pooltable, whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the man. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later the man is in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did this time?", he asks. "Oh, no, now what?" "Well, he stuck a cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the man. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed the damn cue ball he always measures it first!" A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a few minutes later with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me so as much as a glass of water." Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity." St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day." Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and gets in and.. I don't?!!!" "Sorry, Dolly, but a royal flush beats a pair any day." WHAT IF CONDOMS HAD CORPORATE SPONSORS? ======================================================== Nike Condoms: Just do it. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling. Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby. Uh-Hunh. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker. Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman. Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple. Ford Condoms: The best never rest. Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock. Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did? New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey -- you never know. California Lotto Condoms: Who's next? Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever. EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going ... KFC Condoms: They're finger-licking good. Coca Cola Condoms: Always the real thing. Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one. Campbell's Soup Condoms: Its mm, mmm good. Absolut Condoms: Absolut Boner. Pontiac Condoms: We build excitement. MicroSoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today? Arch Deluxe Condoms: The condom with the grown up taste. M&M's: Melts in your mouth not in your hands. VW: Drivers wanted. BASF: We don't make the condom, we make the condom moister. GE: We bring good things to life. A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she she came upon a Chinese doctor (sex therapist) named Dr. Chang. When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor". She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me", and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem". The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease....that when your FACE look ZACHARY like your ass!" A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436" ENERGIZER BUNNY OBITUARY It is with great remorse that I inform you all of the sad news of something that happened to someone very dear to us all. Last night, at approximately 8:42 pm the energizer bunny, after going and going and going for so long, unfortunately passed away. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner reported the cause of death as acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual overstimulation.. Apparently, someone had put Mr. Bunny's batteries in backwardds, and he kept COMING AND COMING AND COMING. Bear Hunting Henry the hunter goes out with his trusty six shooter to hunt bears. Henry spots a huge black bear and aims, and fires.. BLAMO !!! The smoke clears, and no bear, he gets a tap on the shoulder, he turns around, and there is the bear...The bear says "nice shot weenie, you got 2 choices, i can either eat you for dinner, or you can bend over, and (ahem) let me do my "thing" Well Henry does not want to die, so he drops his drawers, and the bear goes to town on him. Henry waddles home, and finds a rifle. "I'll get that S.O.B." he says as he waddles back to the woods. Henry sees the bear again, holds up the rifle, and fires... *BLAMO* !!! The smoke clears, and he gets a tap on the shoulder...The bear says "Ha, ha, buddy, same two choices" Henry crawls home this time to grab the biggest rifle he can find, goes back to the woods. He sees the bear and fires... BLAMO, BLAMO, BLAMO Trees fall, the smoke clears, Henry gets a tap on the shoulder, and the bear says... "You ain't in this for the hunting are you ???" There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma." The student takes some notes on that and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. "What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?" Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan." Off to the Races ALFRED RACEWAY Time: Midnight Distance: All the way Purse: $200.00 Weather: Very Drunk Track: Drippy Name Odds Name Odds ---- ---- ---- ---- Bare Belly 2-1 Silk Panties 2-1 Passionate Lady 5-1 Clean Sheets 100-1 Conscience 100-1 Big Dick 3-1 Heavy Bosom 6-1 Thighs 5-1 Cherry 3-1 Jockey Shorts 5-1 Favorites --------- Douche Bag 1-1 THEY'RE OFF Conscience is left at the post. Silk Panties and Jockey Shorts are off with a rush. Bare Belly is beginning to show. Heavy Bosom with Clean Sheets at the back. Douche Bag is completely lost. AT THE RAIL It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open up a hole and Big Dick is going in. Heavy Bosom is hard pressed. Passionate Lady is coming strong and Conscience is completely lost. AT THE TURN It's Cherry between Big Dick and Passionate Lady. Thighs working hard and Bare Belly is under terrific pressure. AT THE STRETCH Cherry cracks under the strain as Big Dick goes in for the kill. Passionate Lady is doing her best and Bare Belly is close up. Big Dick passed Thighs by a full length and Passionate Lady is almost overcome. AT THE FINISH Big Dick rushes in, but Passionate Lady takes all he has and it's a dead heat. Heavy Bosom folds, Bare Belly is all lathered up at the finish. Thighs pull up and Clean Sheets never had a chance while Conscience wasn't even in the race from the start. Big Dick unexpectedly gives a quick spurt and Passionate Lady kept coming. Douche Bag came in last to clean up the track. A man who worked for a fire company came home from work one day and told his wife "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks. From now on, we're to run this house the same way. When I say "bell 1", I want you to strip naked. when I say "bell 2" I want you to jump in bed, and when I say "bell 3", we're going to screw all night. The next night he came home from work and yelled "Bell 1" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2" and his wife jumped into bed, "Bell 3" and they began to screw. After 2 minutes, his wife yelled, "Bell 4". "What's this 'Bell 4?', " asked her husband. "More hose," she replied, "You're nowhere near the fire!!!!" 1000 persons attended the recent International Psychic Society conference. Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?" (Over 80% of the hands were raised) Moderator: "How many have actually seen a ghost?" (58% of the hands were raised) Moderator: "How many believe that a ghost can be solid?" (23% of the hands were raised) Moderator: "How many have ever physically touched a ghost?" (3% of the hands were raised) Moderator: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?" (After some pause one lonely hand at the back of the hall went up) Moderator: "May I ask where you are from, sir?" Attendee: "I am from Romance, Arkansas." Moderator: "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?" Attendee: "Oh, I thought you said "goat." WHY BICYCLES ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN * Bicycles don't get pregnant. * You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month. * Bicycles don't have parents. * Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong. * You can share your Bicycle with your friends. * Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden. * When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time. * Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have. * Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles. * Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines. * You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself. * If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it. * If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it. * If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it. * You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle. * If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again. * You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore. * You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated. * Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it. * Bicycles don't get headaches. * Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider. * Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles. * Bicycles don't care if you're late. * You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle. * If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts. * You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother. * The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet. * When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle. WHY BICYCLES ARE BETTER THAN MEN! * Bicycles don't work late. * Your Bicycle stays as clean as you want it to. * Bicycles don't have parents or kids. * Bicycles don't get sick. * Bicycles don't get overweight, except as per your convenience. * If your Bicycle goes flat, you can fix it. * If your Bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it. * You can check out the guy who works on your Bicycle. * If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again. * Your Bicycle always has time for you. * Bicycles don't complain and don't ride away from you when the road gets rough. * Bicycles don't watch TV. * Bicycles don't shave. * Bicycles don't snore. * Bicycles don't leave a mess in the kitchen or bathroom. * Bicycles are better protection in a bad neighborhood. * If you don't like the size of your bicycle you can get a new one. * You can try out as many bikes as you like before you get your own. * You don't have to feed your bicycle. * Bicycles never argue, you are always right. * Bicycles never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason. * Bicycles never try to show you off to their friends. * Bicycles don't come home drunk after a night out with its buddies. * Bicycles don't sneak around with other bicycles. * Bicycles don't care what you look like or what your age is. * Bicycles don't care and don't comment about what you spend your money on. * Bicycles don't care if you have to work late. * When you go riding, your bicycle doesn't care if other bicycles are bigger or better. * Bicycles don't care about their performance. * Bicycles don't get you pregnant. * Bicycles don't have mothers. * When you've finished a ride, you can get off. * You don't have to praise a bike after a ride. * Bicycles don't sulk. * Bicycles don't bore you. * Bicycles don't abandon you at gatherings for more interesting riders. * Bicycles don't have to prove anything. * Bicycles don't try to change you once you've bought them. * Bicycles don't get jealous of your male colleagues. * Bicycles never interrogate you. * Bicycles don't fart in bed [or elsewhere!]. * Bicycles don't leave smelly inner tubes lying around on the floor. * Second hand bikes don't brag about previous owners. * Second hand bikes don't go to see previous owners for a ride when you're out of town. * You don't have to explain to a bike if you don't feel like a ride. * Bicycles never put you down. * Bicycles don't complain if you wear "sensible" clothes. * Bicycles don't have egos. * Bicycles don't refuse to ask for directions when they're lost. * Bicycles don't need remote control units. * When you're lost you don't have to argue with it about stopping for directions. * When it's going too fast into a curve you can slow it down. * When you need someone to ride with it's happy to go. * You buy the tools it needs; it doesn't buy tools that never get used. * You don't have to explain to it the need for matching jersey and shorts. * You don't have to continually assure it that its crank length is just right. * You determine the length and frequency of the rides, and you're always on top. * It never finishes before you do. * It doesn't complain about you going out to dinner with your women friends rather than staying at home with it. * You never get helpful suggestions from its mother. * It will ride with you even on Super Bowl Sunday. * It never complains if you put on a few pounds. * When its dysfunctional you know how to get it fixed (and know that it can be fixed). * If you decide to get a new bicycle you don't have to give up more than half of everything you have. * It will never earn more that you do for the same job just because it's a bicycle. * It never spends a "night out with the bikes" and comes home with a strange rash on its saddle. * It will never turn into a beer bellied blob of metal on the couch in front of the TV. This elderly gentleman lived in a nursing home. One day he remarked to his friend that he hadn't had any for quite awhile, and he was sure getting horny. A blue haired lady at the next table overheard his remark, and when he was alone, she invited him up to her room later that night. When he arrived, he knocked on the door. The lady opened the door, and stood there bare naked, and said "I should tell you, I do have acute angina." He quickly replied, " Ya, and your tits look pretty good too!" A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt. The woman watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right, Billy-Bob, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm." "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle "They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers. "The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents "When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge "It's like deja vu all over again." -Yogi Berra "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -Former French President Charles De Gaulle "The loss of life will be irreplaceable." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -A congressional candidate in Texas "It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody." - Richard M. Nixon "The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet." -Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars. "When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots "Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." -Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower "A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." -Everett Dirksen "A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." -Samuel Goldwyn "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. " -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -John Wayne "Half this game is ninety percent mental." - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -General William Westmoreland "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste" "If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his dick. A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth & the doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine & asked if they'd like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother & give it to the father to ease the mother's burden. Well, they thought that was a good idea & decided to give it a try, so the doctor set it on 10 percent to begin with, telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he'd ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling & asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to 20 percent & when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50 & finally 100 percent. After it was over, the man stood up, stretched a little. Both he & his wife felt fine. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep. 2 men hiking were getting sick of each other after 4 days together. They decided to split up for a day; one going north the other south and to meet up in the evening. That night the first man tells of his day,"Today i hiked into a beautful valley, followed a stream into a canyon and ate lunch on the edge of this rock pool whilst watching the wildlife wander by"....."Well," the 2nd man begins"i went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks with a beautiful woman tied to the tracks. I cut her free and we had sex in every imaginable way. When I got tired i came back here"..."Wow!"says the first guy,"Did you get a blowjob?"..."No," says the 2nd guy'" I couldn't find her head"