Bear Hunting Henry the hunter goes out with his trusty six shooter to hunt bears. Henry spots a huge black bear and aims, and fires.. BLAMO !!! The smoke clears, and no bear, he gets a tap on the shoulder, he turns around, and there is the bear...The bear says "nice shot weenie, you got 2 choices, i can either eat you for dinner, or you can bend over, and (ahem) let me do my "thing" Well Henry does not want to die, so he drops his drawers, and the bear goes to town on him. Henry waddles home, and finds a rifle. "I'll get that S.O.B." he says as he waddles back to the woods. Henry sees the bear again, holds up the rifle, and fires... *BLAMO* !!! The smoke clears, and he gets a tap on the shoulder ...The bear says "Ha, ha, buddy, same two choices" Henry crawls home this time to grab the biggest rifle he can find, goes back to the woods. He sees the bear and fires... BLAMO, BLAMO, BLAMO Trees fall, the smoke clears, Henry gets a tap on the shoulder, and the bear says... "You ain't in this for the hunting are you ???" There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma." The student takes some notes on that and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. "What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?" Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan." Off to the Races ALFRED RACEWAY Time: Midnight Distance: All the way Purse: $200.00 Weather: Very Drunk Track: Drippy Name Odds Name Odds ---- ---- ---- ---- Bare Belly 2-1 Silk Panties 2-1 Passionate Lady 5-1 Clean Sheets 100-1 Conscience 100-1 Big Dick 3-1 Heavy Bosom 6-1 Thighs 5-1 Cherry 3-1 Jockey Shorts 5-1 Favorites --------- Douche Bag 1-1 THEY'RE OFF Conscience is left at the post. Silk Panties and Jockey Shorts are off with a rush. Bare Belly is beginning to show. Heavy Bosom with Clean Sheets at the back. Douche Bag is completely lost. AT THE RAIL It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open up a hole and Big Dick is going in. Heavy Bosom is hard pressed. Passionate Lady is coming strong and Conscience is completely lost. AT THE TURN It's Cherry between Big Dick and Passionate Lady. Thighs working hard and Bare Belly is under terrific pressure. AT THE STRETCH Cherry cracks under the strain as Big Dick goes in for the kill. Passionate Lady is doing her best and Bare Belly is close up. Big Dick passed Thighs by a full length and Passionate Lady is almost overcome. AT THE FINISH Big Dick rushes in, but Passionate Lady takes all he has and it's a dead heat. Heavy Bosom folds, Bare Belly is all lathered up at the finish. Thighs pull up and Clean Sheets never had a chance while Conscience wasn't even in the race from the start. Big Dick unexpectedly gives a quick spurt and Passionate Lady kept coming. Douche Bag came in last to clean up the track. A man who worked for a fire company came home from work one day and told his wife "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks. From now on, we're to run this house the same way. When I say "bell 1", I want you to strip naked. when I say "bell 2" I want you to jump in bed, and when I say "bell 3", we're going to screw all night. The next night he came home from work and yelled "Bell 1" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2" and his wife jumped into bed, "Bell 3" and they began to screw. After 2 minutes, his wife yelled, "Bell 4". "What's this 'Bell 4?', " asked her husband. "More hose," she replied, "You're nowhere near the fire!!!!" 1000 persons attended the recent International Psychic Society conference. Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?" (Over 80% of the hands were raised) Moderator: "How many have actually seen a ghost?" (58% of the hands were raised) Moderator: "How many believe that a ghost can be solid?" (23% of the hands were raised) Moderator: "How many have ever physically touched a ghost?" (3% of the hands were raised) Moderator: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?" (After some pause one lonely hand at the back of the hall went up) Moderator: "May I ask where you are from, sir?" Attendee: "I am from Romance, Arkansas." Moderator: "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?" Attendee: "Oh, I thought you said "goat." WHY BICYCLES ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN * Bicycles don't get pregnant. * You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month. * Bicycles don't have parents. * Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong. * You can share your Bicycle with your friends. * Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden. * When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time. * Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have. * Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles. * Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines. * You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself. * If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it. * If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it. * If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it. * You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle. * If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again. * You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore. * You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated. * Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it. * Bicycles don't get headaches. * Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider. * Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles. * Bicycles don't care if you're late. * You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle. * If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts. * You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother. * The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet. * When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle. WHY BICYCLES ARE BETTER THAN MEN! * Bicycles don't work late. * Your Bicycle stays as clean as you want it to. * Bicycles don't have parents or kids. * Bicycles don't get sick. * Bicycles don't get overweight, except as per your convenience. * If your Bicycle goes flat, you can fix it. * If your Bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it. * You can check out the guy who works on your Bicycle. * If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again. * Your Bicycle always has time for you. * Bicycles don't complain and don't ride away from you when the road gets rough. * Bicycles don't watch TV. * Bicycles don't shave. * Bicycles don't snore. * Bicycles don't leave a mess in the kitchen or bathroom. * Bicycles are better protection in a bad neighborhood. * If you don't like the size of your bicycle you can get a new one. * You can try out as many bikes as you like before you get your own. * You don't have to feed your bicycle. * Bicycles never argue, you are always right. * Bicycles never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason. * Bicycles never try to show you off to their friends. * Bicycles don't come home drunk after a night out with its buddies. * Bicycles don't sneak around with other bicycles. * Bicycles don't care what you look like or what your age is. * Bicycles don't care and don't comment about what you spend your money on. * Bicycles don't care if you have to work late. * When you go riding, your bicycle doesn't care if other bicycles are bigger or better. * Bicycles don't care about their performance. * Bicycles don't get you pregnant. * Bicycles don't have mothers. * When you've finished a ride, you can get off. * You don't have to praise a bike after a ride. * Bicycles don't sulk. * Bicycles don't bore you. * Bicycles don't abandon you at gatherings for more interesting riders. * Bicycles don't have to prove anything. * Bicycles don't try to change you once you've bought them. * Bicycles don't get jealous of your male colleagues. * Bicycles never interrogate you. * Bicycles don't fart in bed [or elsewhere!]. * Bicycles don't leave smelly inner tubes lying around on the floor. * Second hand bikes don't brag about previous owners. * Second hand bikes don't go to see previous owners for a ride when you're out of town. * You don't have to explain to a bike if you don't feel like a ride. * Bicycles never put you down. * Bicycles don't complain if you wear "sensible" clothes. * Bicycles don't have egos. * Bicycles don't refuse to ask for directions when they're lost. * Bicycles don't need remote control units. * When you're lost you don't have to argue with it about stopping for directions. * When it's going too fast into a curve you can slow it down. * When you need someone to ride with it's happy to go. * You buy the tools it needs; it doesn't buy tools that never get used. * You don't have to explain to it the need for matching jersey and shorts. * You don't have to continually assure it that its crank length is just right. * You determine the length and frequency of the rides, and you're always on top. * It never finishes before you do. * It doesn't complain about you going out to dinner with your women friends rather than staying at home with it. * You never get helpful suggestions from its mother. * It will ride with you even on Super Bowl Sunday. * It never complains if you put on a few pounds. * When its dysfunctional you know how to get it fixed (and know that it can be fixed). * If you decide to get a new bicycle you don't have to give up more than half of everything you have. * It will never earn more that you do for the same job just because it's a bicycle. * It never spends a "night out with the bikes" and comes home with a strange rash on its saddle. * It will never turn into a beer bellied blob of metal on the couch in front of the TV. This elderly gentleman lived in a nursing home. One day he remarked to his friend that he hadn't had any for quite awhile, and he was sure getting horny. A blue haired lady at the next table overheard his remark, and when he was alone, she invited him up to her room later that night. When he arrived, he knocked on the door. The lady opened the door, and stood there bare naked, and said "I should tell you, I do have acute angina." He quickly replied, " Ya, and your tits look pretty good too!" A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt. The woman watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right, Billy-Bob, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm." "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle "They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers. "The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents "When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge "It's like deja vu all over again." -Yogi Berra "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -Former French President Charles De Gaulle "The loss of life will be irreplaceable." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -A congressional candidate in Texas "It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody." - Richard M. Nixon "The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet." -Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars. "When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots "Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." -Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower "A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." -Everett Dirksen "A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." -Samuel Goldwyn "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. " -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -John Wayne "Half this game is ninety percent mental." - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -General William Westmoreland "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste" "If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his dick. Chicken Crossing & Andersen Consulting Why did the chicken cross the road? Plato: For the greater good. Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. Douglas Adams: Forty-two. Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you. Oliver North: National Security was at stake. Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence. Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. Aristotle: To actualize its potential. Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature. Salvador Dali: The Fish. Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death. Epicurus: For fun. Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it. Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast. David Hume: Out of custom and habit. Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason. Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? Ronald Reagan: I forget. John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity. The Sphinx: You tell me. Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life. Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. Stephen Jay Gould: It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation. Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette. Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained. Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas. Noam Chomsky: The chicken didn't exactly cross the road. As of 1994, something like 99.8% of all US chickens reaching maturity that year, had spent 82% of their lives in confinement. The living conditions in most chicken coops break every international law ever written, and some, particularly the ones for chickens bound for slaughter, border on inhumane. My point is, they had no chance to cross the road (unless you count the ride to the supermarket). Even if one or two have crossed roads for whatever reason, most never get a chance. Of course, this is not what we are told. Instead, we see chickens happily dancing around on Sesame Street and Foster Farms commercials where chickens are not only crossing roads, but driving trucks (incidentally, Foster Farms is owned by the same people who own the Foster Freeze chain, a subsidiary of the dairy industry). Anyway, ... (Chomsky continues for 32 pages. For the full text of his answer, contact (Odonian Press) Andersen Consultant: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful. A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth & the doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine & asked if they'd like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother & give it to the father to ease the mother's burden. Well, they thought that was a good idea & decided to give it a try, so the doctor set it on 10 percent to begin with, telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he'd ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling & asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to 20 percent & when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50 & finally 100 percent. After it was over, the man stood up, stretched a little. Both he & his wife felt fine. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep. 2 men hiking were getting sick of each other after 4 days together. They decided to split up for a day; one going north the other south and to meet up in the evening. That night the first man tells of his day,"Today i hiked into a beautful valley, followed a stream into a canyon and ate lunch on the edge of this rock pool whilst watching the wildlife wander by"....."Well," the 2nd man begins"i went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks with a beautiful woman tied to the tracks. I cut her free and we had sex in every imaginable way. When I got tired i came back here"..."Wow!"says the first guy,"Did you get a blowjob?"..."No," says the 2nd guy'" I couldn't find her head"