A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!" "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!" This is a true story. Pass it on!!! My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas & decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus Cookie". It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and the waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not." Well, I said, would you let me buy the recipe? With a cute smile, she said, "Yes." I asked how much, and she responded, "Only two fifty, it's a great deal!" I said with approval, just add it to my tab. Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and it was $285.00. I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe - $250.00." That's outrageous!! I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was "two-fifty," which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any *POSSIBLE* interpretation of the phrase. Nieman-Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund my money, because according to them, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe - we absolutely will not refund your money at this point." I explained to her the criminal statutes which govern fraud in Texas, I threatened to refer them to the Better Business Bureau and the State's Attorney General for engaging in fraud. I was basically told, "Do what you want, we don't give a crap, and we're not refunding your money." I waited, thinking of how I could get even, or even try and get any of my money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the United States with an e-mail account has a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus... for free. She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "Well, you should have thought of that before you ripped me off, and slammed down the phone on her. So, here it is!!! Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you can possibly think of. I paid $250 dollars for this... I don't want Nieman-Marcus to *ever* get another penny off of this recipe.... (Recipe may be halved.): $250 DOLLAR COOKIE RECIPE: 2 cups butter 4 cups flour 2 tsp. soda 2 cups sugar 5 cups blended oatmeal ** 24 oz. chocolate chips 2 cups brown sugar 1 tsp. salt 1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated) 4 eggs 2 tsp. baking powder 3 cups chopped nuts (your choice) 2 tsp. vanilla ** Measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder. Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies. A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live." A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No, Come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there awhile longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could see both of them together." Sara thinks about this and says, "What the hell," opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Great! Did he drop off the $200 bucks he owes me?" A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain". "Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin. After a few minutes she asked, "Does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...but my thumb still hurts like hell!" There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven." "You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment." "Is there anything which your holiness desires?" "Well yes," the Pope replied, "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologian through the ages, are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old?" "I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time." Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God. Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels game running to the Pope's side to learn the cause of his dismay. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', There's an 'R'!!!" "Look, the word is CELEBRATE!" A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although he had some doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second. The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and this time it won. The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent. The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a local farmer for $10. The headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS They buried the bishop the next day. Standardized Guide to the Bases ------------------------------- Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!" Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases. First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days. First Base: This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not. Second Base: Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact. Third Base: Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner. Home Run: This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases. Well, that system is OK, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado... The Standardized Guide to the Bases! On Deck: Having plans for a date. Strike-Out: Duh!! Walk: Kissing. Bunt: Masturbation. Single: Tongue kissing. Double: Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels. Triple: Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation. Inside the park home run: Oral Sex Home Run: SEX! Ground Rule Double: Would have sex, but no condom. Error: Condom breaks during sex. Banned for life for gambling: Sex without condom. Hall of Fame: Marriage Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now-a-days. Balk: Premature ejaculation. Pine Tar: KY jelly. Relief pitcher: Vibrator. Rain Delay: Parents/roommate return home unexpectedly. Box Seats: Waterbed. Seventh Inning Stretch: Unusual positions. Rookie: Virgin. Minor Leagues: Under 18. Loaded Bases: Menage-a-trois. Grand Slam: Sex three times in twelve hours. Foul tip: VD Three up and three down: Impotency. Now that we have the definitions, let's quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity. OLD WAY: We, ummm, got to third base I guess and then we, ummm, got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her. NEW WAY: First, there was a triple, then we got and inside the park home run, and I started thinking, it's hall of fame time. Or: So there I was, with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher. Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the confusion and helps you out. Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." "If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times" Man walking down the beach, sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie emerges. She says "normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son of a bitch, I am going to grant only 1". He thinks a minute and says "OK, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed". She says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle. Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance. Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: so that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here! And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it... "Roger", Elaine says aloud. "What?" says Roger, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have said... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.) "What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Roger. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says. "No!" says Roger. He's glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just tha... It's that I... I need some time," Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Roger. "That way about time," says Elaine. "Oh," says Roger. "Yes." (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Roger," she says. "Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.) The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing squash one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Bill, did Elaine ever own a horse?" A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy faints. The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?" The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'." How To Be Successful In Sales ======================= One summer, on a Friday afternoon, a young man was being trained by his supervisor on his first day as a salesperson at a large department store. His supervisor was trying to show him the amount of things he could sell to customers by making them feel they needed the items. "Watch this," he said and approached a man who has just entered the store. "May I help you, sir?" The man replied, "I just moved into my first house and I need some fertilizer for my lawn." So the supervisor said, "Well, we have five- and ten-pound bags of fertilizer. I recommend you go with the ten pound bag." "Why is that?" "The ten-pound bag will get you through most of the summer, but the five-pound bag won't," the supervisor answered. "Fine, " the man agreed, "I'll take the ten-pounder." "Very good sir. And would you like the stiff rake or the spring-rake with that?" "Rake? What do I need that for?" "Well sir," said the supervisor authoritatively, "if you don't rake up the old dead grass before you spread the fertilizer, it won't all reach the soil." "All right then. I'll get the stiff rake." "Very good sir. And would you like the fixed sprinkler or the oscillating sprinkler with that?" The man started to get a bit steamed and asked harshly, "Sprinkler? I just came in here for some fertilizer. What do I need a sprinkler for?" Calmly, the supervisor responded, "Well sir, if you water your lawn immediately after fertilizing, the fertilizer will sink into the soil more quickly and in no time at all, you'll have the greenest lawn in your neighborhood." This sounded pretty good to the man so he picked up the fixed sprinkler. "OK, then. I'll take all this." "Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that," asked the supervisor. Now the customer had about had it and he all but blew up at the supervisor. "LAWNMOWER? Look, all I wanted when I came here was a bag of fertilizer! You've already managed to sell me a rake and a sprinkler besides. Give me one good reason why I should get a lawnmower, too!" Calm as ever, the supervisor said, "Well sir, if you get a lawnmower now, then you'll be all ready to start trimming your beautiful green grass the minute it starts getting too long. Your lawn will look like a golf course and you'll be the envy of all your neighbors! Besides, they are on sale this week only, and you're going to need it either way." Well, the man figured that sounded OK and he really wanted to get out of there before he bought anything else so at last he relented. "Fine. I'll get the electric mower, but that's it!" "Very good sir. I'll ring that up for you." After the man had left the store with all his new purchases, the supervisor turned to the trainee and said, "So, do you think you could do that?" The trainee said that he thought he could and the supervisor directed him towards another customer. The trainee approached the puzzled-looking man and asked, "May I help you sir?" The man replied, "Yes. I need some tampons for my wife." Well, the trainee is totally thrown off by this request. He can't imagine what he could offer the man to go along with that. However, he wanted to impress his boss so he thought hard. Suddenly, he had it! "Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that?" "Mower? What the hell is wrong with you? I came in here looking for tampons. Why the hell should I get a lawnmower, too?" "Well sir," the trainee answered, "I figure your weekend is shot, so you might as well cut the grass!" A woman's husband dies and after a few months, she decides she wants a new husband. She submits a classified ad as follows: "Widow looking for a new husband. To be considered, you must conform to these three criteria... 1 - You can't beat me (as my first husband did). 2 - You can't run around on me (as my first husband did). 3 - You MUST be good in bed (as my first husband wasn't)." A few days later, the doorbell rings. She opens the door and a man with no arms and no legs is sitting in a wheel chair. She says, "Yes. Can I help you?" "I'm here about your ad in the paper." "Which ad is that?" "The one looking for a husband." She says, "Uhm, well, there were certain criteria..." "Yes, I know. Obviously, I could never beat you... I have no arms." "Well, yes, I see that... but there were other criteria." "And, as you can see, I could never run around on you... I have no legs." "Well, yes, that's true... but there was one other thing that is very important..." "Ah, yes, well, how do you think I rang the door bell?" A Little Boy's Letter to God --------------------------- A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00. After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby. "Let me tell you a story," said the Doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot." "Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear." "Exactly," replied the doctor. Well Known Facts About Men 1. Men like to barbecue. Men will only cook if danger is involved. 2. Men who have pieced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world in which there are more women then men, it pays to recycle. 4. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 5. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun. 8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. 9. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. 10. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. 11. If you're dating a man who you think might be Mr. Right if he (a) got older (b) got a new job, or (c) visitied a psychiatrist you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. 12. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. 13. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't loose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you. So I finally phoned and asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other." 14. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. 15. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened A little girl was telling Santa what she wanted for Christmas and as she listed one thing after another said, "and I want a G.I. Joe and Barbie, and .." "But honey," Santa interrupted "you mean you want a Ken and Barbie." "No, Santa!" she said. "I want a G.I. Joe and Barbie!" "But Barbie comes with Ken." Santa replied. "No!" the little girl exclaimed. "Barbie comes with G.I. Joe! She only fakes it with Ken." The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.) Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car? A: Always wear a condom. Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too ____-faced to find your keys. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.