A priest is walking down the street and sees a small boy at a doorstep trying to ring a doorbell. The little boy is jumping with all his might to reach the button. The priest goes up to the boy and pushes the doorbell for him. "Is there anything else I can do to help", asks the priest. As the boy turns and runs he says, "Yes, run like hell Father" There was a typical blond. She had long, blond hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blond jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "That's a nice flock of sheep," she said. "Well thank you," said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman. "Okay," replied the herder. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" asked the woman. "Sure," said the sheep herder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow," said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". "What is it?" queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?" *File Description: Jeffrey Dahmer Jokes* Did you hear that a man was found floating in the river with a banana stuck up his butt and a mouthfull of cornflakes ? They think it was a "cerial killer" -==- Did you hear that the F.B.I. was investigating dahmer???? They think he might have been selling arms to IRAQ. -==- When the police raided Dahmer's house they found him sitting by the frig singing "My boloney has a first name......" -==- What did Jeffrey tell his mother when she told him that she didn't like his friends? "That's Ok, Mom, Just eat the noodles! -==- What did Dahmer do when he finished his vegetables? He threw away the wheelchairs!!! -==- What are Jeffery Dahmer's favorite foods? A: Ground Chuck and Quiche Lorraine -==- What did they find in Jeffery Dahmer's medicine cabinet? Head and Shoulders -==- The judge was coming down real hard on dahmer, and dahmer said "come on judge have a heart -==- WHY DID JEFFREY DAHMER KEEP TESTICLES IN THE FRIDGE? A. SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT. SOMETIMES YOU DON'T One day at the end of class, little Billy's teacher asked the class to go home and think of a story and then conclude with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Bobby. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." Teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched." Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replies "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking." A guy and a girl met at a bar. They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. The girl looks at him and says, "You must be a dentist!" The guy all surprised says, "Yes... how did you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy... you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a GREAT dentist!" The guy was very very surprised, he says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy... I didn't feel a thing." Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Devine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her! Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune." Bill (with a chuckle): "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number. So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date. They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling God...now I know why you chose the name Devine." To with she replies: "Thank you Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name ..... Microsoft." A kid comes home from school and asks his dad to help him with his homework. He has to find out the difference between 'potential' and 'reality'. The kids dad says, "Go ask your sister if she'll have sex with the garbage man for a million bucks!". "I can't ask her that!", exclaimed the kid. "Just go and do it!", his old man insists. The kid comes back a few minutes later, wide eyed, "She said yes dad!" "Now, go ask your mother if she'll have sex with the garbage man for a million bucks!" "I can't ask Mum that!", says the kid. "Just do it!!!", replies the father. The kid disappears and returns, "She says yes!". The father smiles, "Now, go and ask your brother if he'll have sex with the garbage man for a million bucks!". The kid asks his brother, and returns, "Geez Dad! He said yes too!". "Well, now you see the difference son", explains his father. "You see, 'potentially' we have three million dollars in this family, but in 'reality' we have two sluts and a queer. A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica". The incidence of coincidence is so prevalent, that it can not be considered coincidence. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both their wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head. Both were shot in the presence of their wives. The Secretary of each President warned them not to go to the theater and to Dallas, respectively. Lincoln's Secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names have 15 letters. Booth ran from the theater and was captured in a warehouse. Oswald ran from the warehouse and was captured in a theater. To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trial. What do you think: Mystery or a statistical coincidence? -- A business man boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief "Hello"s and he notices she is reading a book about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book, It says that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish man have the largest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" The business man replies with a grin, "Tonto Kowalski." This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row because he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and Daddy making noise, and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him". His mom is taken by surprise and says. " "Oh,...... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat, and that makes him thin again. And the boy says, "That won't work." His mom says, "Why?". And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!" A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! One payday, Mr. Goodbar wanted a bit o' honey. So he took Miss Hershey behind the powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue. He began to feel her mounds. That was pure almond joy. It made her tootsie roll. He let out a snicker as his butterfinger went up her kit kat and caused a milky way. She screamed "Oh Henry" as she squeezed his peter paul and zagnuts. Miss Hershey said, "You are even better than the three muskateers." Soon she was a bit chunky and nine months later, Miss Hershey had a baby ruth. Newt Gingrich is on an airplane, flying back to DC. The woman sitting next to him is immersed in a book and pays no attention to Newt. Toward the end of the flight Newt asks: Newt: "What book is that you're reading? Woman: "It's called 'Deductive Reasoning'." Newt: "Sounds interesting, what's it about?" Woman: "Let me give you an example." Newt: "Okay." Man: "Do you have a dog?" Newt: "Yes, I do, as a matter of fact." Woman: "I would deduce from this, then, that you have a yard as well, no?" Newt: "Yes! I do have a yard." Woman: "Then I would further deduce that you have a house next to this yard?" Newt: "I do!" Woman: "Then I'll bet you have a family, don't you?" Newt: "Yes, a very nice family!" Woman: "And you're a heterosexual, aren't you?" Newt: "You betcha! I'm beginning to see how this works!" Later that week, Newt goes out and buys the book on deductive reasoning and is determined to read it cover to cover on his return flight. His plane takes off and he begins reading. Two hours later, the man sitting next to him notices how Newt is so engrossed in this book, and just can't keep himself from being impolite and interrupting: Man: "Excuse me, sir, what's that you're reading?" Newt: "It's called, 'Deductive Reasoning'." Man: "Oh. Then you must have learned how to use deductive reasoning, eh?" Newt: "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I have. Let me show you how it works." Man: "Okay." Newt: "Do you have a dog?" Man: "No." Newt: "Well, then, you must be a homosexual!" A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, Where are you going, Father?". "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!" THE WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ? (PAGE DOWN TO FIND ANSWERS) 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get catgut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) How long did the Thirty Years War last? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453. 2) Ecuador. 3) From sheep and horses. 4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours. 5) Squirrel fir. 6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs. 7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert. 8) Distinctively crimson. 9) New Zealand. 10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648. So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"