A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspary, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma." A sixty year old man walks into a big drug store and walks up to the girl at Checkout #3. He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?" She says, "Sure. What size are you?" "I don't know," he replies. "Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then she says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO ISLE THREE PLEASE, EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO ISLE THREE." They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves. Then, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to Checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?" He says "Well, I don't know." She says, "Just let me check here." She unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs, and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO ISLE THREE PLEASE, LARGE CONDOMS TO ISLE THREE." Someone brings the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves. Later, a sixteen year old guy comes into the store and goes up to the girl at Checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell any condoms here?" "Yep," she says, "what size do you need?" "I don't know" he says. She unzips his zipper for a feel and then says over the intercom, "CLEAN UP TO ISLE THREE PLEASE, CLEAN UP TO ISLE THREE." So this old guy is about celebrate his 80th birthday, His sons have planned a big party for him at a swank hotel in NYC. The night of the party comes and the sons decide that for his present they are going to get their father a hooker. The father goes to the party, has a wonderful time and at about midnight retires to his room. He gets undressed, gets into bed and just as he is about to turn off the light he hears a knock on the door. "Who's dere", he asks. A very sweet voice replies....It's Darlene...your sons sent me up to give you super sex.... "Oh" replies the 80 year old man...." Well, I 'll take the soup" Shortly after Christmas, the teacher of a grade-school class announced that, if they wanted to, each child would be given the opportunity to tell about ONE special gift they had received. The first little girl stood and said "I got a Bow-Wow from my Daddy. The teacher addressed the class and sternly told them that they were certainly old enough to know and use the correct names for things, and that she didn't want to hear any more baby talk. She then asked the little girl if she could think of another word for her gift, one that grown-ups would use. The little girl replied, "I got a puppy-dog from my Daddy." The teacher praised her lavishly and went on to the next child, a boy. "I got a Choo-Choo for Christmas." he beamed. Again the teacher chided the little tyke, and asked him to think of another name to describe his gift. "I got an Electric Train for Christmas!" he said after mulling it over. The teacher praised him for his efforts. The next little boy, a normally very quiet kid, stood, said "I got a book." and sat down. Seeing an opportunity to draw him out a little, the teacher asked "And what was the title of your book?" The little guy hesitated, and then, with a serious face and a knitted brow, began obvious mental efforts. After a couple of minutes of deep thinking his face brightened and he replied, "Winnie The Shit." King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week. A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" But Sir Galahad was speechless. A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit Las Vegas". They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks,"what do you think I should bet?" The frog reply, "Ribbit $3000 black 6." Now,this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room". Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila says, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!" A prostitute!" Sheila repeated. Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and saying, "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant" This raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the convent one day, when this man jumps out from the bushes and has his way. Then the man said, "What will you tell the Holy Father now, Sister?" She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped me twice, unless you're too tired." A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent. The convent is in a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several prostitutes approach and proposition him. "Twenty bucks a trick!" These solicitations embarrass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on until he gets to the convent. Once inside he displays his naivete by asking the Mother Superior, "What is a trick?" She answers, "Twenty bucks -- just like on the street." Grandfather and grandson are out fishing. Grandad takes out a ciger. Grandson asks if he can have one. Gramps says "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" Grandson say no. Gramps says "No cigar for you then" Later on, Gramps takes out a beer. Grandson asks if he can have one. Gramps says "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?." Grandson say no. Gramps says "No beer for you then" After the day of fishing, they go to the general store. Each buys a lottery ticket and scratch them off. Gramps doesn't have any luck, but grandson wins 50 thousand bucks. Gramps says "Grandson, you're going to give me half of that, aren't you?" Grandson says "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" Gramps says "Well, yes, yes it is" So grandson says "Good, then go fuck yourself" The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question, "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?". "No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not". "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions. "No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy." "Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, "Dopey did a penguin, Dopey did a penguin." Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." A missionary was trying to educate an indigenous tribe in the ways of the modern world. As part of this education, he attempted to teach them English. One day the missionary was out walking with the tribe's chief, trying to show him the meaning of English words. As they walked through the forest, the missionary would point to various objects and say, "That is called a tree" or "That is named a monkey". Suddenly they heard some noises emanating from behind a bush. As they approached, the missionary soon saw that it was a native man and woman fooling around. The chief looked inquisitively at the embarrassed missionary, who stuttered a bit before finally blurting out, "That is a man riding a bike." The chief then pulled out his poison bow and arrow, aimed, and fired at the man. The missionary, stunned, exclaimed, "Chief, why did you do that?!" The chief answered, "My bike". There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits. An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20 th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." Next day - the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also. At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!" 50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class 1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises. 2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop. 3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!" 4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop. 5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?" 6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy". 7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?" 8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk". 9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird". 10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat. 11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo. 12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it. 13. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board. 14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions. 15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine." 16. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer. 17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz. 18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth. 19. Address students as "worm". 20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment. 21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals. 22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch. 23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number. 24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done. 25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song. 26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally. 27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands. 28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear. 29. Growl constantly and address students as "matey". 30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove". 31. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects. 32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements. 33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?" 34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles". 35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it. 36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals. 37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours. 38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture. 39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside. 40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes. 41. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk". 42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style. 43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene. 44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class. 45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book. 46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie. 47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams. 48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class. 49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field". 50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!" There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated. The Waiter It seems that a man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis,go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon." Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks sadly, "What is the treatment?" "Well" the doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks about it for a while then says, "The thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it." A few weeks after the operation Jack is given the green light to use his improved equipment. So he plans a romantic evening with this girl that he's been meaning to ask out for a while but didn't dare until now. They go to this vary nice restaurant in the city. In the middle of dinner Jack feels this stirring between his legs that continues to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the pressure he unzips his fly under the table thinking nobody is going to see anyway. But his penis immediately springs from his pants, grabs a dinner roll from the table and returns to his pants. His date was completely stunned at first but then says with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?" To which Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."