Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a lamp. He picked up the lamp and rubbed it. Behold, a genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got 3 wishes? The genie told Bill that due to inflation and tough economic times, only 1 wish could be granted. Bill thought a minute and said I wish for peace in the Middle East. See this map ? I want these countries to stop fighting. The genie looked at the map and said, You must be from Arkansas ! These countries have been fighting for thousands of years. I'm good, but not that good, I don't think it can be done. Go ahead and make another wish. Again, Bill thought a minute and said, "You know people really don't like my wife. They think she's a real bitch and ugly as sin . I wish that she be made the most beautiful and well liked woman in the whole world. The genie thought for a minute and said, " Can I see that map again?" A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. So a couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?" Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean): 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.") 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.) 5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) ....and the Number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means): 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that "male perspective" thing.) ________________________________________________________________________ Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean): 10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.) 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.) 6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.) 5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.) 2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.) ....and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means): 1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.) On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process. This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiousity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?" "Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it." The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought to himself, Hey, why not?' So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony,#166# jumps off, and whooooooooooooo, splat. The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk." THE HORSE AND THE RABBIT A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche. Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?" Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit , mother Superior." Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?" Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants." Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?" Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks: "What the (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb) did you say?" "A prostitute!" Sheila repeats. Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent. The convent is in a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several prostitutes approach and proposition him. "Twenty bucks a trick!" These solicitations embarass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on until he gets to the convent. Once inside he displays his naivete by asking the Mother Superior, "What is a trick?" She answers, "Twenty bucks -- just like on the outside!" MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK ************************************************************************ The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. The boss is always right. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy. In case of an atomic bomb attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...) If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. People are always available for work in the past tense. People don't make the same mistake twice, they make it three times, four times, or five times. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. No one gets sick on Wednesdays. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. Following the rules will not get the job done. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" No matter how much you do, you never do enough. The longer the title, the less important the job. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. Around here, progress is made on alternate Tuesdays. An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. The employee who has performed his duties faithfully and without fault for five years will be given an increase of five cents per day in his pay provided the profits allow it. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure. MAN, I'M GLAD I'M A MAN, MAN Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man instead of a broad When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee I go to a barber, not a beauty salon Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts I use my turn signal, I understand sports Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don't go through a faze every 28 days Man, I'm glad I'm a man I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john I don't throw a fit when I break a nail I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don't face the pain of water-weight gain Man, I'm glad I'm a man Let me tell you ladies Listen to me ladies I love those things inside of your blouse I love your pretty faces Your warm and soft embraces But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date I don't play with dolls unless they inflate When someone asks me my age, I never lie After sex in bed, my spot's always dry I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie This is the same underwear I wore yesterday Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill Man, I'm glad I'm a man Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin' Man, I'm glad I'm a man Pierre, a french fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!". So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie. "Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!" His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says : "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre, what are you doing?" "My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her crotch. He grabs a match and lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?" "My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!" *File Description: Slogan Translation* >From "American Demographics" magazine: Here is a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans into foreign languages: When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked." Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea." Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate." When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is "f," which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration." Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No Va" means "It Does Not Go" in Spanish. When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave." When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that the characters used meant "Bite The Wax Tadpole." They later changed to a set of characters that mean "Happiness In The Mouth." When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA--with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what is inside since most people can not read.