These three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally get through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who takes them to a small room with a one way mirror in it looking into another room. They bring the first guy's wife into that room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the first man and says "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room but comes back out 1 minute later and says "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail out - get out." They then bring the second guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the second man and says "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee takes the weapon , goes into the next room but comes back out 3 minutes later and says "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail out - get out." Finally, they bring the third guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the third man and says "Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room where there is silence for 1 minute. Suddenly, there are two gunshot sounds followed by a huge commotion in the room. The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and says, "Good job, asshole! You gave me blanks - I had to choke the bitch!" Sorority Girl Jokes =================== What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive? Her ankles. What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball? You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball. You could eat a bowling ball if you had to. You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball. How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike? You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they always come back for more. What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers ? Sorority girls cost less per score. What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant? About 40 lbs. How do you equalize the two? Feed the elephant. What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning? Walks home. What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic? Only 1500 went down on the Titanic. How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm? She drops her nail file. What's a sorority girl's favorite wine? "Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi." What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape? Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do... Why is a sorority girl like a door knob? 'Cause everyone gets a turn. How do you get a sorority girl in your bed? Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a twinkie on the bed. Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll? You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand. How I Got Into Heaven... ------------------------ Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..." A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. Bartender: "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her. Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightning roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?" Why Dogs Are Better Than Men By Jennifer Berman Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss you when you're gone. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong. Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with. Dogs don't criticize your friends. Dogs admit when they're jealous. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw). Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence. No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas. You can train a dog. Dogs are easy to buy for. Dogs are good with kids. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams. Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous. The worst social disease you can get fron dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.) Dogs understand what no means. Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization. Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species. Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside. Dogs do not read at the table. Dogs think you are a culinary genius. You can house train a dog. You can force a dog to take a bath. Dogs don't correct your stories. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner. Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair. Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair. Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving. Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake. Dogs admit it when they're lost. Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff. Dogs look at your eyes. Dogs like your size. Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs. Dogs take care of their own needs. Dogs are color blind. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. Dogs are nice to your relatives. Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them. How Dogs and Men Are the Same Both take up too much space on the bed. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. Both are threatened by their own kind. Both like to chew wood. Both mark their territory. Both are bad at asking you questions. Neither tells you what's bothering them. Both tend to smell riper with age. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. Neither does any dishes. Both fart shamelessly. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. Both like dominance games. Both are suspicious of the postman. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone. Neither understands what you see in cats. Why Men Are Better Than Dogs Men only have two feet that track in mud. Men can buy you presents. Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block. Men are a little bit more subtle. Men don't eat cat turds on the sly. Men open their own cans. Dogs have dog breath all the time. Men can do math stuff. Holiday Inns accept men. little johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with johnny about this." so johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. - first, johnny, i want you to take off my blouse... so unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. - ok, now take off my skirt... and he takes off her skirt. - now take off my bra... which he does. - and now, johnny, please take off my panties. and when johnny finishes removing those, she says, "johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!" A young biker has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer asks if he would like the extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he does not have the extra money and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet. The dealer tells him not to worry. There is an old biker trick that will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains & everything will be fine. The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves. A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family. And no one says a word... Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And no one says a word... Now he is getting desperate so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. And no one says a word... By now he is getting very worried and is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley so he reaches in his back pocket for his Vaseline And the father says "Okay damnit I'll do the dishes!" One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?", God replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you." "What's a 'woman', Lord?" "This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you," replies the heavenly voice. "Sounds great." "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies. "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?" The rest, as they say, is history. A little boy asked his father to help him with his school project. He was supposed to learn about government and asked his father to explain it to him. His father thought for awhile and said, "Well, it works something like this." Mommy, runs things so she is like the Head of Government. I'm management, because I see to it that things run smoothly Linda, the Nanny is Labor, because she does most of the work. And your baby brother is like the people because we all work to make sure he has what he needs. The father asked his son if he understood the examples. The little boy said "No" The father say, "I understand its complicated, why don't you go to bed and I'll try to explain it again in the morning. During the middle of the night the little boy got up to get some water on his way to the bathroom, he passed the Nanny's room and saw his father on top of her making love. The boy goes into his mother's room and she is sound to sleep with a mask over her eyes and the radio playing. Next the boy looks in on his little brother. The baby is in its crib, its diapers are all soiled, and it is all tangled up in its blankets. The next morning the father says to the boy, okay let me try explaining government to you again. The boy said, that's okay dad, I think I understand. Management is screwing Labor The heads of government are blind and dumb to what's going on And no one gives a damn about the people. 20 Reasons Barfing Is Better Than School Food 20. After you barf, you feel better 19. You can barf whenever you want 18. When you barf, you don't have to wait in line 17. Barf is always warm 16. You don't have to sneak barf out of the cafeteria 15. When you're barfing, a bent spoon is an advantage 14. You can lose weight barfing 13. You don't have to pay to barf 12. Barf is SUPPOSED to look like that 11. When you barf, you don['t have to come back for seconds 10. You don't have to barf everyday 9. Barfing can never cause you to eat school food afterward 8. You can barf without a photo ID 7. Barf is organic and biodegradable 6. They don't ration barf. 5. After you barf, at least you know what you've eaten 4. Plastic barf is funny; plastic school food is redundant 3. You don't have to barf the same thing five days in a row 2. A dog will eat barf 1. After you barf, at least there is some taste in your mouth =================== CONFUCIOUS JOKES =================== Man who sells Kotex, crack salesman. Blond girl have black hair by cracky. Man who lay girl on hill not on level. Boy who plays with himself pulls boner. Better to sleep with old hen than pullet. Man with athletic finger make broad jump. Virgin like baloon: one prick, all gone. Man who plays with titty gets bust in mouth. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to it. Man who have titty in mouth make clean breast. Woman pilot who fly upside down have crack up. Man who lays girl in field gets piece on earth. Man who have hole in pocket feels cocky all day. Woman who slides down bannister makes monkey shine. Woman who puts rooster in freezer have frozen cock. Girl who goes to bed with detective must kiss dick. Man who screws cook in pantry often gets ass in jam. He who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs. Wife wo puts man in dog house may find him in cat house. Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss. Man who marries girl with no bust have right to feel low down. Boy who goes to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand. Squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts; man lay on crack and rock nuts. Girl should not marry basketball player: he dribbles before he shoots. Woman who springs on innerspring this spring gets offspring next spring. Baby conceived on back seat of automobile with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard. BRUSSELS, Belgium (AP) -- The European Union is taking unity to new lengths: Condoms must now be at least 6 4/5 inches long to earn the EU stamp of approval. ``If it's not long enough, you can endanger the health of the consumer,'' Suzanne Larque, of the European Committee for Standardization, said Wednesday after the EU set the new size standard for condoms sold in 18 European countries. Testing will be standardized to ensure the safety of condoms, used to prevent pregnancy and the transmission of HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. They must be filled with water to check for holes, and mechanically stretched and inflated to test strength. The guidelines probably will be in force by the end of the year in all 15 EU nations, as well as Norway, Liechtenstein and Iceland, Ms. Larque said. Under the directive, the width of Euro-condoms can vary from 1 3/4 to 2 1/4 inches. Ms. Larque said the rules would still allow for some variety in shapes, designs and colors. The committee has already set standards for 2,500 products and plans directives on 9,000 others. -- Father O'Leary was performing confesisons all Sunday. Around four, he really was feeling the need to relieve himself. After each confession, he looked outside his chamber looking for one of his colleagues to take over. After a half an hour he was in agony. Finally, one of the janitors happened by. The father pleaded with him to take over for 10 minutes. The janitor was dubious; he was a devout Catholic but knew nothing about religion. The priest said it was no problem, just look in the book and pick the appropriate number of Ave Marias. The first person admitted to lying. He got 5 Ave Marias. The second coveted his neighbor's car and swore. He got 10 Ave Marias. The third person said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have committed sodomy." The janitor searched and searched the book, but couldn't find sodomy listed anywhere. He started to sweat then panic. He charged outside to find the priest for help, but couldn't find him anywhere. Coming around the corner he spotted the head alter boy. "Quick" he said, "What does Father O'Leary give for sodomy?" "Two cokes and a hershey bar" came the reply. What do you get when you cross an Athiest an Insomniac and a Dyslexic? Someone who lays awake all night wondering if there really is a DOG! The Biggest Lies The check is in the mail. I'll respect you in the morning. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you. It's only a cold sore. You get this one, I'll pay next time. My wife doesn't understand me. Trust me, I'll take care of everything. Of course I love you. I am getting a divorce. Drinking? Why, no, Officer. I never inhaled. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing. I never watch television except for PBS. ..but we can still be good friends. She means nothing to me. Dont worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty." I gave at the office. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone. I'll call you later. We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year. Read my lips: no new taxes I've never done anything like this before Now, I'm going to tell you the truth It's supposed to make that noise. I *love* your new ! ..then take a left. You can't miss it. Yes, I did. Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile.