To all of my East Coast friends (with a warm cc to my West Coast buddies): Dear Diary Aug. 12 Moved to our new home on the East Coast. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see snow covering them. Oct. 14 The East Coast is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animal on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here. Nov. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here. Dec. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snow ball fight (I won!), and when the snow-plow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love the East Coast. Dec. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snow-plow did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here. Dec. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snow-plow. Dec. 22 More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow-plow hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole! Dec. 25 Merry Fucking Christmas. More friggen snow. If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow-plow I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the Fucking ice. Dec. 27 More white shit last night. Been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway every time after the snow-plow goes through. Can't go anywhere because the car's stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10" of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is? Dec. 28 The Fucking weatherman lied! We got 34" of that white shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before the summer. The snow-plow got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the shit he pushed into my driveway, I broke my last one over his Fucking head. Jan. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to buy food and on the way back a damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those Fucking beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November. May 3 Took the car to the garage in town . Would you believe the thing is rusting out from that Fucking salt they put all over the roads. May 10 Moved to California. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live on the God-forsaken East Coast. THE FIVE LEVELS OF DRINKING LEVEL 1; It's 11;00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.". LEVEL 2; It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.". LEVEL 3; One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.". LEVEL 4; Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an....after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ..................cool. LEVEL 5; Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!" The Farside comes to life in Oregon. I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass was placed on the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects. So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan--remember, I am not making this up--of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking is that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten by seagulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal. So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty of understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of ...MY GOD!" Something smears the camera lens. Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign of the seagulls who had no doubt permanently relocated to Brazil. This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the institute, we watch it often, especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety. This is a time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway Division and ask them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an estimate on the US Capitol. MA AND PA FARMER One night, a farmer couple are lying in bed and the old man is feeling frisky, so he rolls over and grabs his wife's breast and says "You know Ma, if these things gave milk, we could get rid of the cow." As they are messing around some more , the old man grabs his wife's pussy and says "You know Ma, if this thing laid eggs we could get rid of the chickens." This time the old lady is pissed, so she grabbs the old man's dick and says "Yeah Pa, and if this thing got hard, we could get rid of your brother." --------------------------------------------- 3 things you don't say in a gay bar: 1. fuck me its hot in here 2. shall we toss for who buys the drinks 3. excuse me, can I push your stool in TORONTO (Reuter) 2/5/96 7:16 PM For those with a taste for some wild romance this Valentine's Day, the Toronto Zoo is holding a dinner where it will spill the beans on the the sex secrets of the animal kingdom. The $145-a-plate fundraiser for the zoo's reproductive technology research center will unveil some surprising truths about the animal kingdom, spokesman Toby Styles said on Friday. The dinner is almost sold out, Styles said. ``One researcher in Africa observed a male lion that in 55 hours mated 157 times,'' said Styles. ``I've heard a lot of guys brag, but 157 times in two days...'' Styles said guests will also learn that blue whale penises measuring seven feet, pale by comparison with fleas and mosquitoes, which are endowed with the largest reproductive technology for their size in the animal kingdom. Styles also recommended avoiding calling someone a gorilla in bed. ``That's the worst insult,'' he said. ``A big, handsome male gorilla like our Charles, fully aroused, measures 3/4 of an inch.'' Instead, humans might admire the rhinoceros, now considered responsible for the adjective ``horny,'' Styles said. Researchers only recently discovered that sudden, vicious fights by the ungainly beasts are actually a test of male stamina initiated by the female. The male rhino mounts the female for about 45 minutes an hour for a day and a half, climaxing once every thirty seconds. ``One can only assume some ancient looked at this and wondered: 'Why can he do this and I can't? Must be that damn horn,''' Styles said. On a train bound for a conference on religion in Budapest, an Irish father and a Jewish rabbi are enjoying some wine in their coach cabin. After a few rounds, the Irishman looks accross to his friend and asks " My frd, we've known each other a long time, tell me , I know in your religion it is forbidden to eat pork. But, to one old frd to another, tell me, have you ever had any pork in your life?? " The Rabbi stroked his beard, thought for a while and replied," well my frd in truth as one frd to another, yes, I have on one occassion many years ago, at the wedding reception of my nephew's uncle in-law. The taste was not bad, quite pleasant. However only this once. After a few moments, the rabbi stroked his beard again, looked up and asked..... My dear frd now that we brothers are revealing secrets. and know of many temptations. Tell me, in your religion, you are to remain celibate. This is true yes ?" The Irishman smiled , yes it is my frd. " The Rabbi asked " tell me my frd have you ever ah... ever experienced a woman?? had,....you know .......relations ?? The Irishman replied,..... "well as one man of the cloth to another, one honest frd to another , well, yes once or twice when i ws a young priest, but never again...... the rabbi leaned accross, with his glass raised for a toast. He smiled and said " This woman, she , she .... certainly tastes better than pork No ? TRUE STORIES OF SOME OF THE DUMBEST CROOKS ON EARTH: A man suspected of stealing money from vending machines paid his $500 bail....completely in quarters. Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately. Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter. England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag. Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto." Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail. Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years. (Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask. (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.) (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ... Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it. (Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. RE: don't say no Here is another excerpt from the book I am reading on trading psychology ("The Disciplined Trader" by Mark Douglas)...the meaning in this story is obvious: always be in a learning mode...be open minded, don't let past experiences define everything. "...I was watching a local television program in spring 1987 called 'Gotcha Chicago'. It was about some local celebrities who played practical jokes on other Chicago notables. In one segment of the program the TV station hired a man to stand on the sidewalk along Michigan Avenue holding a sign that read 'FREE MONEY -- TODAY ONLY'. (For those of you who are not familiar with Chicago, Michigan Avenue is home to many of the most expensive and fashionable department stores and boutiques in the city.) The man's pockets were stuffed with cash, and he had been instructed to give money to anyone who asked for it. Considering that Michigan Avenue is one of the busiest areas of the city, how many people do you think took him up on his offer and asked for the money? Out of all the people who walked by and read the sign, only one person stopped and said, 'Great! May I have a quarter to buy a bus transfer?' Otherwise, no one would even go near him. Eventually he grew frustrated and started crying out, 'Do you want any money? Please take my money. I can't give it away fast enough.' Everybody just walked around him as though he didn't exist. He approached a businessman asking, 'Would you like some money?' And the man responded, 'Not today.' The 'plant' said, 'How many days does this happen?' as he tried to give him a handful of cash, while continuing to say 'Would you please take this?' The businessman responded with a terse 'no' and walked on. THE POOP LIST Ghost POOP- The kind where you feel the POOP comes out, but there's no POOP in the toilet. Clean POOP- The kind where you POOP it out, see it in the toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper. Wet POOP- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain. Second Wave POOP- It happens when your done POOP-ing, and you have pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to POOP some more. Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-POOP- The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you almost have a stroke. Richard Simmons POOP- You POOP so much you lose 30 pounds. Lincoln Log POOP- The kind of POOP that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush. Gassy POOP- It's so noisy everyone within earshot is giggling. Drinker POOP- The kind of POOP you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the treadmarks on the bottom of the toilet. Corn POOP- Self Explanatory! Gee, I Wish I Could POOP, POOP- It's the kind where you want to POOP real bad, but all you do is sit, cramp, and fart a few times. Spinal Tap POOP- That's where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways. Wet Cheeks POOP (The Power Dump)- The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water. Liquid POOP- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splatters all over the toilet. Mexican Food POOP- It smells so bad the room is condemned. Upper Class POOP- The kind that thinks their POOP doesn't stink. Fisherman's Bobber POOP- That's the kind where you're in the public restroom, and there are two people waiting for your stall. You POOP and flush two times, but several golfball-sized pieces are still floating on the water. I Just Found My Pee-Pee POOP- The kind where a young teenage boy goes into the bathroom with the new Victoria's Secret catalog, and comes out 10 minutes later without flushing the toilet. The VanGough POOP- That's where after you POOP, you are shocked to see all the different colors in your POOP, and try to figure out what you ate to do it again. The Show-And-Tell POOP- You're so impressed with you own POOP, you leave it in the bowl so all your friends can appreciate it too. Half POOP- That's the kind that breaks off too soon, so half falls in to bowl and half stays hanging........ ( a.k.a....The Wipers Nightmare) Suprise POOP- That's when your in public and you think you have to fart, but you get a suprise POOP as a bonus. Paralyzing POOP- When you're sitting POOP-ing so long your legs fall asleep. He Just POOP, POOP- When you get done POOP-ing, you put your shorts back on and go out in public with those identifying bright red pressure circle on the back of your legs for all to see. RE: SUPERSTITIONS This is an excerpt from a book I am reading on trading psychology ("The Disciplined Trader" by Mark Douglas)...just imagine the humor in this story if you actually carried out what Mark thought he should have done: "...One morning I went into the men's bathroom at the Chicago Mercantile Exchange, and as I approached the only urinal in use, a floor trader using the urinal next to the one I was about to use turned his head, looked at me, and said in a very cautious tone, 'Don't use that one, you can wait for mine, I'll be done in a second.' I gave him a puzzled look, and he then pointed to a penny that was at the bottom of the urinal. I gave him another puzzled look because I didn't have the slightest idea about what he was trying to communicate to me. As I proceeded to use the urinal with the penny in it, he turned with a nervous expression on his face and strode away from me as quickly as he could. Later on that day, I told one of my floor trader clients about this experience and asked if he knew what was going on. He said certainly, that is was very common knowledge that money at the bottom of a urinal is a bad omen and certainly something to be avoided. After I thought about it for a moment, I wondered what would happen if I went through the entire exchange and put pennies in all the urinals."