Tora ena anegdoto apo tous Belgous: Pia ine i diafora metaxi tou psigiou kai tis gineks? ...........................to psigio ....den cani thorivo otan bgazis apo mesa "meat"... Ti ipe o tiflos otan perase to psaradiko?........."HELLO GIRLS". "Bill Clinton comes back from his X-Mass holidays. The chopper lands on The White House lawn and Bill appears carrying a pig under each arm. A marine meets him and can't help but comment "nice pigs Mr. President" "Nice pigs!!" Bill replies,"these are Arkansas pot bellied razorbacks --THE BEST!!" He continued, "I got one for Hillary and one for my Chelsea." "Mr. President, may i say what a great trade I think that was ... " "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 --------------------- "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 --------------------- "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 --------------------- "But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. --------------------- "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 --------------------- "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876. --------------------- "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. --------------------- "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.) --------------------- "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. --------------------- "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." --------------------- "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. --------------------- "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. --------------------- "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. --------------------- "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads. --------------------- "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer. --------------------- "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work. --------------------- "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus. --------------------- "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. --------------------- "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. --------------------- "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. --------------------- "Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. --------------------- "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 --------------------- "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873. --------------------- "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981 --------------------- On March 21, 1995, the state of Mississippi ratified the Thirteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution and officially abolished slavery. --Harper's Index, July, 1995 Dolly Parton and Princess Di both happen to turn out at the pearly gates on the same day but St. Peter says that there is only room for one of them. Dolly opens her bra and says: "These are the best tits god ever gave a woman and he deserves to see them," Peter nods and looks at Di. Di pulls out a bottle of Perrier lifts her skirt and gives herself a quick douche, puts the bottle away and smiles at St. Peter. He nods his head and says "Di you're in" Dolly exclaims "That's disgusting, how does that let her win?" "Well" says St. Peter, "I don't know where you've been all your life Dolly, but a royal flush always beats a pair!" SANTA'S CORPORATE NEWSLETTER The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by oneof Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he isknown to be under executive stress. As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. [The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.] The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other preciousmetals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will bea good one. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number. * 'The Newt Before Christmas * by Dean Bakopoulos 'Twas the night before Christmas and through the White House Al Gore was looking at Hillary's blouse. The Secret Service was guarding the premises with care, for a whole host of Democrats were vacationing there. Little Chelsea was nestled all snug in her bed After locking out Kennedy and the thoughts in his head. And Bill in his sportcoat (a heavy grey tweed) had just fried his brains on some Mexican weed. When out in the garden came a roaring of noise, all drunken and rowdy: 'twas Gingrich and the boys! Bill jumped to the window, tore open the sash, And cried "Fellas, a raid! Quick, go hide my stash!" The pot in his blood and the moon on the snow gave a psychodelic haze to the objects below. When what to Bill's frantic eyes should appear, but a slew of Republicans with a keg of ice beer, with a big old leader, all lively and fat; He knew it was Newt, "Proponent of GATT!" As vicious as vipers, the Republicans came, and Bill recognized them and called them by name. "Hey Helms! Hey Thurmond! Hey Packwood and Hatch! Hey Dole and Pataki, it's time for a bash!" A collective cheer rose out from the crowd: "Let's listen to Nugent, and turn it up loud!" Together Dems and Rebublicans danced in good cheer -- "Screw Health Care and Haiti, it's time to drink beer!" When down the chimney, in a cloud of black soot, Danced Limbaugh from the fireplace in a red Santa suit. He moved through the crowd, then held up his hand and when all was silent, he did a keg stand. And the crowd raised their cups, as Newt bowed down in prayer, and champagne flowed freely, just like welfare. As Kennedy and Reno romped in the Green Room, The other crooks planned their Agenda of Doom: "We'll pray in schools, we'll shove it down their throats!" "More welfare, more taxes, we'll still get the votes!" And they drank, hugged, and danced, they crossed party lines, They said, "It just doesn't matter, we're all bastard swines!" So they threw out allegiance and partisan crap and took turns sitting on the president's lap. And Gephardt and Dole passed out on the lawn, and awoke in the morning without their pants on. And Packwood gave Tipper a pat on the rear, while the Judge and Anita went out for more beer. Then the partiers saw a sight touching and cute, The President asleep, snuggled up next to Newt. Santa Limbaugh smiled and threw up on his boots -- "A Merry Clinton to all, and to all a good Newt!" _______________________ Copyright 1994, by The Michigan Review, Inc. All Rights Reserved Subject: legal story 1994's MOST BIZARRE SUICIDE At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS president Don Harper mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story: On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald opus And concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this. Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by and elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and pellets went through the window striking opus. when one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald opus. There was an exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son . , one Ronald opus, had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the tenstory building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window. The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. 'I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law., - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes' 'They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits., - Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank Scandal. 'He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech., - Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands 'It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position., - John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job. 'I didn't accept it. I received it.' - Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan. 'I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying." - Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned the US 'I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes.' - President Richard Nixon 'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.' - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign 'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward 'I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate.' - Vice-President Dan Quayle ,outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.' - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC 'Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.' - Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane 'Are you any relation to your brother Marv?" - Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator 'Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.' - Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid 'The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.' - Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust 'In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent...- John Connally ' Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an early seventies speech, as reported in a contemporary 'American Scholar' 'Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.' - Chicago Rotary Club journal, Gyrator' 'The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe., - Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia 'I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted. - Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third world countries 'The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector.' - Knight Ridder News Service dispatch 'After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.' - Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington Rhode Island 'The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.' - Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series *In Canada there is another word for Sushi....... BAIT! ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (Check appropriate box) Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Un-employed Spouse's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle ( ) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_ Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know